Adoptees, do you feel heard here?

Question

Kristy, I think a better question would be why AREN'T YOU trying to gain the respect of adoptees? After all, you're raising one.

Answer 1

I can't talk about my wonderful adoption story without getting told I'm just in denial. But I'll admit, I just can't see the big deal about being adopted and why it is so horrible so I'm sure some of the other side doesn't get heard from me either.

tlk- I really enjoyed reading your post. It sums up a lot of how I feel also.

Answer 2

I do feel listened to.  If anyone wants information on finding siblings, I can at least help list the options. :-)

Answer 3

Sometimes I feel heard, but seriously it feels like there are people here - including other adoptees - who only want to hear the positive stories, so mine works for them, and then there are others - including adoptees - who only want to hear negative stories and thus discount and *thumbs down* everything I have to say. I think that there are people here who are only here to spread their own agenda, people here who don't think they have anything to learn but have a whole lot to say, and people here that are actually open to hearing and learning - and that goes for aparents, bparents, and certainly adoptees.

Answer 4

I don't agree with "ten negative....for every one positive". Being an adopted man and graduating in 3 months, my experience has been like it never happened.

Any negative response I've seen (no offense to those that may have had one) has been bogus. I knew a girl that was the most obnoxious, annoying, self-centered brat I've ever seen. When someone asked her why she acted that way, she immedietly spouted off "I'm adopted, blame my adoptive parents..."

Now, I took mega offense to that. To me, that means that EVERY adopted person is going to turn out that way. It's a shame that some people blame others for their own problems. Granted, from the scoop I got from the girl's close friends, her parents weren't the best in the world, but does that honestly give the girl permission to go around acting like an immature 5 year old?

I think not....

As to whether or not I'm heard, as a person in real life, I'm a mentor and a natural-born leader. My voice and actions are recognized by my peers and my own mentors alike. Whether or not people decide to listen to me is none of my business, and none of my concern. If people choose to listen to me, power to them. If they don't, power to them.

If I come off harsh or hard, I apologize. I've been raised as a very independant person and I'm not swayed by the opinion of others. In general though, I don't let the fact that I'm adopted get in the way of anything, and I expect the respect of others to do the same.

Answer 5

Hi hope I am ok to answer here. (just pass through now and again) I think that its pretty typical of a forum like this to have alot of mixed feelings. Alot of people on this whole site, have their own little opinions and when different people and different opinions mix, it can blow into a full blown war of words! I think its a case of just saying how you feel in a respective way, and letting people respond to that in a respective way also. Afterall most of us here are adults.

There seems to be no positive or negative, just alot of shouting and protesting. No happy medium. No one really working together to share their experiences properly. I dont think it will change. Especially when you have people alover the globe answering here.

Answer 6

I sometimes feel that a lot of the people on here that are adopted are just out there to make sure people don't adopt because their experience wasn't a pleasent one.  So I think I get heard, but sometimes I do feel like I am drowned out by other responders yelling and screaming about how evil adoption is.  

I don't mind them sharing their viewpoint, but I prefer it when people are open to the fact that yeah some adoptions do go bad, and some are wonderful, just like a child being born into their biological family.

Answer 7

Gaia, you're so right.  That backhanded form of a thank you is almost as bad as the out and out hostility.  It's kind of like an insult (or a reprimand) to other adoptees reading it, as if to say their answers were rude and not as valid.  Like the person is saying, "See how nice little Susie plays with us.  Why can't you all play nice like she does?"  Barf.  

I get the feeling that a lot of people on here think we're still kids.  We may have been adopted as babies, people, but I assure you, we are not children!  I had one woman answer my question one time, saying "We all need to be respectful, and the same goes for you, too, My Dear."  I felt like my Mom was talking to me.  

On second thought, my Mom gives me a lot more respect than some of the people in here, she would never talk down to me like that.  Unlike those people and some others  that are even more nasty (ahem..red spandex, cough, cough)  my Mom is a real class act...In fact, both my Mom's are.   And so are you, Gaia, thanks for the question.

Answer 8

One of the advantages to being an adoptee is that we're used to feeling grateful for any small crumb! ;-P So, yes, when I can see that one or two people learn something new that helps them make more educated decisions with regard to adoption, that makes me feel that adoptees are being "heard."

In particular, I have appreciated reading your responses, where you explain in detail how your understanding has grown from being in this forum.

Do I think that the majority of people here change their minds and their behaviors based on what adoptees say? No, but that's life. Most people here sound like kids, to be honest, so I don't think they're really interested in being educated anyway.

Answer 9

I don't quite know what you're referring to here.

I'm adopted. I've always had a positive experience, and I understand that for those who haven't, it easy to get lost in the negative.

However, for every adoption there are at least 3 stories, 3 different takes on that one adoption.

But like I said, I really don't know what you're referring to.

---------

Personally, I think more people on here want to see/hear the worst in ANYTHING. A lot of people feel that adoption is a terrible thing, and sometimes that does get to me. Young, pregnant women come on here asking if they should adopt, and of course they won't if they are bombarded with people saying "NOoo! Don't give your child away to a stranger who could abuse them!"

I think it's easy to get lost on Y!A in anything in any subject, which is very sad.

Answer 10

IT'S NOT ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT I HAD GOOD ADOPTIVE PARENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...

Now, maybe I'll be heard?  Doubt it.

ETA:

Yes, there are people who hear me here.  But, when I have to repeat ad nauseum that it's not about my "adoption experience" (aka: whether or not I had good adoptive parents,) I know there are those who cannot or will not hear.

Answer 11

there are a very few people here that i feel really listen to adoptees.  the ones that actually listen make it worth coming here.

the ones that do not listen seem to be stuck in a fairytale and a weird need to have their adoptee never go through what normal adoptees go through.

very frustrating.

Answer 12

I'm an adoptee.  Talk and talk and talk as I do, I don't think anyone can understand what it is like unless you've lived it....same with bparents, same with aparents.  This is an issue that you feel (or don't) in your bones--and that is just the way it is.  However, that doesn't mean we can't TRY to be heard, TRY to make our thoughts/feelings understood.

Answer 13

I didn't take the time to read this but I give you a A+ ^_^

A for Adoption

Answer 14

You know what.... You are right.  Too many "buts" in answers here.  I hear you...  

Not that I answer very much here, but if I do I'm going to answer in a better way which acknowledges what you are asking or what you are saying without the "buts".

I think it's just human nature to start talking about yourself and your experiences instead of just listening.  I have been guilty of that.

Answer 15

As an adopted woman who graduated more than a decade ago, (just offering that for tlk, as that seems to be relevant to something?)

I don't really expect to be heard here, the mythology surrounding adoption is steeped and murky, strangely it is only in very recent times it has been seen as a positive thing, the older myths, Oedipus a shining example are all tragedies.

But I am digressing, most people who read adoptees will dismiss them out of hand out of their own self-protection, the thing is though, once they have heard these stories, they will not forget them entirely, and my hope is down the road, if someone in their own life is adopted expresses hurt, or confusion, or curiosity, it is then they will remember these stories and not dismiss their irl friend, child, sibling, with some of the many cruel and dismissive  things that have been said to most of us throughout our lives, "you were chosen"  as anyone with half a brain knows we weren't, "you should be glad not to be an abortion" subtext, "you don't even deserve to be alive, much less have an opinion about anything"  I am well into adult hood, being heard or not heard by strangers on Y! A isn't going to change my experience much.

Hopefully, it will have a positive impact on younger adoptees and help dispell some of the b.s. younger adoptees have to go through.