Adoptees, were you completely truthful with your adoptive parents?

Question

Growing up, when you were asked how you "felt" about adoption did you tell the truth? Or if you were asked if you wanted to "find" your parents, were you honest with your adoptive family?

I had wonderful parents and, as a kid, when they wanted to talk or asked how I felt about searching, I didn't want to hurt their feelings so I told them I had no interest.

Answer 1

i was absolutely honest with them, and they were with me.  they supported me 100% when i searched, too.

Answer 2

This is the dilemma that children are put in when surrendered by their parents and then parented by adoptive parents.  They then have "two" sets of parents and have divided loyalty.  It is unfair but it is what it is.  So it is so hard for a child, no matter what age, to be completely honest with either parent.  When asked by a birth mom do you hate me?  They say no but may actually have hate in their hearts.  When asked by an adoptive parent do you want to search, they may say no but they might really be curious.  This is the permanent division that some adoptees feel, but not all.  This was created by being surrendered by the person that all of society says would protect and care for us above all others. Then we have to make some kind of sense out of this when there are few examples of how to do this.  Examples of total protection and fierce love are around us.  But how do we justify being given up?  That is tough and takes a pretty stable,  healthy, giving and mature mind and heart. Not everyone in life has that.  Therefore, some of us lie, some of us struggle, and some of us find ways to heal.  

Answer 3

I did the same as you.  I was filled with fear that if I told them how I really felt (you know, in those moments of self-reflection) that there was a risk of being abandoned or rejected - again.

It wasn't their fault, they're good people and the perceived abandonment/rejection would never have happened.  I know that now, but as a child I wasn't even going to risk it.

As adults we are very open and secure in talking about it and my adoptive family has been incredibly supportive through my search and reunion - the best.   They just wish I'd been able to discuss it with them sooner and feel sad that I was afraid to speak about it when I was a child, despite their best efforts and reassurances

Answer 4

my moms a saint I would never lie to her

Answer 5

My APs don't really talk about feelings. They're not very good at that kind of stuff.

I always said I wanted to search and they knew that. But I have never & probably won't ever tell them truly how I feel about adoption. It took me years to even ask them why they didn't help me when I was being bullied in school. I never even considered asking them why, until someone suggested it.

My amom has always described me as quite a private person, but its incredibly hard to be open and honest about your feelings when you've already been abandoned by one set of parents and don't trust anyone to be there for you no matter what.

Answer 6

I was usually truthful about how I felt, although, like many have already answered, I was never asked.  If I talked about how I felt, I was the one who brought it up.

Nobody in my adoptive family ever asked about wanting to search for my natural mother/parents/family.  I didn't start talking about that until I was 14 and then I would 'be silent' about it -- outwardly -- for years at a time.

Making our home 'peaceful' was a really big deal to my a-parents, so it became a really big deal to me.  'Peaceful' meant -- as I understood it -- that we only talked about things that we all agreed on or felt good about or the weather.  So, there were lots of taboo subjects in my home -- not just adoption -- but with 3 of their 4 children having been adopted, they could have done better by us.

Just for giggles...we also didn't talk about: God (except my a-parents version of God), s*x, sexuality, sexual orientation, politics, values, ethics, beliefs, abortion, violence, discipline (except when it was being 'administered' -- they didn't want to know what "other parents" did), philosophy, biology...the list goes on and on.

What we did talk about: architecture (my Dad's field), education (my Mom's field), church (*Note this is "church" not "God" or "beliefs" -- and only 'our' church), the weather, our relatives, our (the kids') friends, our extra-curricular activities, history (especially U.S. history), and several others.

Interesting Q, thanks for asking!

Answer 7

I was never asked how I felt about being adopted if or if I was interested in searching.

I didn't offer any information on my feelings.  But, I wasn't one to talk much about my feelings anyway.

Answer 8

Never. Even though my amom was amazing and supportive in every way I was terrified of hurting her. When my brother was about 4 he yelled at my mom "I wish my real mom had kept me!". It was the only time I saw my mother cry, through a prolonged illness including major experimental medications and brutal treatments I never saw her shed a tear except that one time with my brother. How could I share my own regrets and pain when I knew it would cause pain for someone I loved so much?

I talk to my adad about adoption once in a while but never about my own emotions. I don't feel safe about it. My emotions have always come second to those around me.  

Answer 9

No never. It just wasn't ever talked about so there was no opinion to be had.

I was adopted in 1960 and talking it about it wasn't the done thing, so I always tried not to think about it.

The rare conversation I did have about it where usually silenced very quickly.

It was a bit easier to talk to my father but generally I didn't have an opinion.

To talk to my mother about it would have been seen as un grateful and cruel really.

You have to understand that they weren't bad people, that's just how it was at the time.

The attitude at the time was that it was better not to talk about it and start afresh.

Only my father is alive and I still don't really talk about it with him.

I have plenty of opinions about it but its still hard to talk about it with him.

Especially with everything that has become public about how back then children where simply taken from their mothers by force.

I was put in an orphanage because my mother had an affair and so was "immoral" and incapable of caring for a child.

They never knew that and I would like to ask what they think.

My father did say it was awful what used ot happen and I would like to have a proper talk about it but would break his heart.

Answer 10

Yep.

I don't like the fact that I was relinquished with no explanations, never have.  As a four year old I put my hands on my hips, stomped my foot and said, "I don't want to be adopted!".

At first it really irritated my adoptive mother but eventually, she decided not to take it personally and helped me deal with my angst.   She is my biggest advocate and my greatest source of strength.

And I doubt that will ever change.

Answer 11

I was NEVER asked how I felt about adoption.  And even if I had been asked, I really don't think I would have been able to articulate my feelings in a convincing manner.  I mentioned once in a great while that I wanted to find my bparents...and was told that it was impossible, the records were sealed, and that I had a birth certificate that said my aparents were my progenitors.  I grew up thinking that I was the only adoptee in the world who wondered and wanted to search.  I searched when I was in my 40's.  And I have never told anyone in my afamily that I searched and have contact; and I have no intention of ever doing so.

Answer 12

i dont get the question?

Answer 13

No, I wasn't. I felt like our relationship depended on her/their happiness, and their happiness depended on me not needing my other family. It was like that for a very long time. Keep them happy, life is good. Make them unhappy, life consists of more therapy and guilt trips than I'd like to remember.

Answer 14

When I was asked?...never happened, well not that I recall, had the books and all but never asked how I felt about it. Occasionally when I was really bad amum would mention she should have given me back etc. Now once I started searching I only told my amum because she knew it was happening (she worked where the legislation was changed). But was I or am I any more honest about my feelings...yes and no.

I do sometimes talk honestly about my feelings but then  I catch the look in her eyes and decide maybe telling her I felt like cr*p and never fitted in is not the best thing for our relationship.

My adad never knew I had searched until I got married 11 years after first searching and finding nfamily…only because my sister was going to be there and I told him about a day before the wedding. Have never discussed in  the 4 years since because I know he would be so hurt to know how outcast I feel from my afamily - despite the fact I attend every family event.

Answer 15

Yep

We've talked about it ever since I was adopted (I was three, so I was old enough to remember.) We talked about the orphanage, my friends at the orphanage, how I felt about the orphanage (sometimes there was no food, I went hungry, so I got into the habit of hoarding food as a child), how I liked New York, if it was a lot different from Israel, if they could get me anything that would make me feel more at home, if I remembered my biological parents (I didn't, they died a long time ago), and later, if I wanted to see my extended biological family (I did) and how we (parents&I) would make it happen.

They always told me that I shouldn't be afraid of hurting their feelings by expressing my opinions (in a respectful way) because they had to be grateful to me for letting them be my parents and not the other way around, and that they would never expect anything out of me that they didn't expect from their biological children (which they didn't - they expect good grades, respect, responsibility, discipline, and hard work from all of us.) I guess they paid attention in adoption class..?

Because of the way they treated it, adoption has never been a big deal in my life. Each time you ignore the elephant in the room it gets bigger, sometimes so big that it becomes stifling. That never happened in my family, which is why I have such a hard time relating to other adopted people.

Answer 16

I was never asked.

My adoption was a taboo subject to talk about.

It was the big elephant sitting in the living room - that everyone tried to pretend didn't exist.

* sad *

Answer 17

These are good questions.  My parents never really talked to me about it.  I was never asked by them if I wanted to find my parents.  (My a-mom asked me after college, and I was honest with her.  My a-dad never asked me.)  We never really talked about adoption at all.  In the end, this made me worried that they would be upset if I were to talk about it with them, so that tradition (of avoiding the subject) has continued.

Answer 18

I had to lie to keep safe. If I said anything wrong, she's hit me or worse.

She'd ask if I loved her and I'd say yes, to not hurt her feelings.

Answer 19

My adopters didn't respect my rights as a human being enough to even TELL me I was adopted.

But when I found out two years ago, you better believe I was completely truthful about my feelings about that.  

I don't consider them my parents any more.

Answer 20

I never askend my daughter if she was happy about being adopted.  For our family, it was just a fact of life, like eye color, height, etc.  

Answer 21

The only people to inquire about adoption were strangers upon first meeting me.  Because I was sheltered, my parents were always right there.  Nobody ever asked me how I "felt" about it.  Instead, they framed the questions in such a way that there was no answer I could possibly say except what corroborated their own conclusions.  

For example:

"you must feel very lucky such nice people adopted you, don't you?"

Meanwhile, mommy and daddy are standing right next to me smiling, nodding, and expecting me to nod too.

People were not really asking me how I felt.  People were really praising my parents and admonishing me to feel grateful.

With that much pressure and so little interest in what I actually felt, honesty was never really an option.  

The truth is, I didn't know how I felt about adoption.  

The truth is, every time that question came up it paralyzed me.  

The truth is, I wanted to believe with all my heart adoption was great and wonderful.  

Even during all those years I was being abused, I wanted to believe with all my heart adoption was great and wonderful!

The truth is, I had to search for and settle for breadcrumbs and leftovers of affection and it was anything but wonderful.

If I could have verbalized the truth I felt, my truth would have been that having the distinction of being adopted made me feel like the loneliest child on the planet, because I was the only adopted person I'd ever met.

The truth is, I knew no one wanted to know the truth.  

As for being asked about looking for my birth parents, the only people who ever asked were new friends.  I always felt other people were living out some talk show investigative adventure fantasy through me, and I didn't want to contribute to that.  I didn't want to be a novelty, a freak or oddball.  I already felt odd enough as it was.  The truth was I was the odd man out.  I was the only person of color I knew.

When I actually did consider searching for a moment, I would look at the sea of white faces around me that I didn't know and think about the impossibility of finding a Korean face, thousands of miles away, in a sea of black hair and black eyes, in a country I couldn't remember and couldn't speak their language, and be sad that I could say, "all asians look alike."  They were all aliens to me.  The possibility of finding my mother was absolutely futile and hopeless to me as a child.

Still later, when asked that same question, I would reflect on the many years of abuse I'd put up with and how I'd been abandoned to begin with and think, "families suck."  So finally, as an teenager when people asked me, I would say "i can't handle one family.  How can I handle two?  No.  I don't need the heartache."  

It wasn't until my parents died two years ago that I could finally be truthful publicly about how I feel about adoption.  It took over a year to wrestle with a lifetime, over four decades, of being a brave solider and suppressing never being allowed to express how I really felt about adoption.

Today I am forty four.  Ask me today and I will tell you how I feel.

Adoption hurts.

Answer 22

It was hardly ever talked about.

But when it was, I lied.  I didn't want to hurt their feelings.  and my parents were jerks.