Adoptees, what's the difference between how you feel about your adoptive parents....?

Question

And your natural parents? How did each set of parents contribute to who you are today, and how do you feel about each?

Answer 1

I was adopted at 6 weeks old.

My adoptive parents are all I have ever known and loved. They have given my a happy life and They are my parents.

My birth mother cant call herself my mother, as she did not bring me up nor knows anything about achievements in my life.

Figure it out.

My adoptive parents are my parents and cant be replaced with someone who gave birth to me then wanted rid of my so she could "party".

She is not my mother, just a woman who gave birth to me. That does not give her the title to be my mother.

Answer 2

Well my  parents the ones that raised me since I was 3 weeks old, are my parents, I love them. They are the ones that have taught me good morals what is right and wrong etc. We have things in common, but we are all our own persons and respect that.  Biological parents  I don’t have any feelings for them outside the fact the Lord tells us to love everyone. The only think they contributed was genetic material and birthmother gave me a much better life having placed me for adoption. The I would have had if I had lived with her. I’m thankfully for life so I’m glad she opt to have me.

Answer 3

Hey, I'm on my sisters account (I'm a guy just to clear up the girl picture thing) and figured I'd answer this.

I'm adopted and honestly, to me my parents are my parents.

Oh, and I mean my adopted parents. They are my family first! They grew me into the man I am today. They loved me, gave me a home, a sister I don't know what I'd do without sometimes, and always pushed me to dream and follow the stars. Heck, I swear if they didn't adopt me, I'd never have met my wife (who was also adopted, we met at the adoption agency to do the same thing, which was a blessing.)

My bio parents weren't there, and therefore had no contribution until I decided to go searching for them .. and they (the bio) don't really care. My dad was completely rude and admitted to having a son years ago and said he hoped he was dead, and slammed the door in my face (nice guy!) And my mom (nice lady) put me up cause she couldn't handle being a teenage mom. She was really sweet, and though I'd like to have her in my life, at least to see her grandson, it's to weird for her still she says, and is so glad to see I did well. We write letters to check up on eachother, and I send pictures from time to time, which she likes.

So I feel this way: My bio parents gave me life, and though they weren't there for it, they gave me a better life by letting me go somewhere better. My adoptive parents are my true parents, and I stand that they are my family, and the parents I was meant to have.

Answer 4

I have never met either of my natural parents, but my n'mom sent me some photos that suggest much of my appearance comes from her.  She was never willing to tell me who my n'father was, so he remains an unknown quantity.  My feelings about her are decidedly mixed.  I have no idea who I would have been had she raised me.

I love my a'parents and they did help make me who I am today.  My a'mom probably has a lot to do with my love for the arts, particularly drawing and painting, theater, and classical music.  She also encouraged my love of animals.  My late a'dad taught me integrity, humor, and tolerance, and he encouraged my ear for all sorts of music.  He is also the person whose parenting skills I would have sought to emulate if I'd had kids of my own, as he was a nurturing, loving soul.  Both a'parents are probably responsible for my love of debate and argument.  I suspect they encouraged tendencies already present in me, but I may never know.

Personality traits I can't trace to either a'parent I tend to attribute to my n'father, as it seems to me my n'mom and I have very little in common.

Answer 5

I do not have an answer for you as I am not an adoptee but rather a bio mom. I just wanted to commend the man who answered this question first on his sisters account. You are one of the few it seems that actually get why someone would give a child away and seem to have a healthy attitude toward the whole situation. I am sorry things did not work out better for you and your bio parents but maybe in time they will.

Your aparents are your parents and you seem to be able to count the blessings that have been bestowed upon you because of both a and b parents actions. It is refreshing to hear someone talk about adoption the way you do.

Answer 6

I am like Healing adoptee.  I have not met my natural parents.  My adoptive parents allowed me to be who I was.  I am strong in mathematics where as my adoptive sisters are not.  I suspect that I get that from my natural parents.  Its really hard for me to say who I get what from who.  I haven't met them yet.  I love them the same though.

Answer 7

I feel no different between each (except my bio dad he's just one of those guys who are all into s*x and sleezy women and such) I love my moms the same my bdad too but I don't wish to meet him.

My b mom wasnt really a part of my past from when she lost me. I was adopted through MCFS and so I didn't know who she was until recently but My birth mom has something my amom can never give me. my b mom has my history my family adn who I am. Like it or not I am the odd one out in my a family my afamily likes shrimp and seafood wheras my bsisters don't, i have certain family history that I want to know its a natural curiosity and My a fam can never give me that.

Answer 8

I think I'm going to have trouble with this.  

Let's start with the following...  How do adoptive parents (here and elsewhere) talk about how the feel about their adopted children versus their bio children?  Are both kinds of children their children?  Yes?

The same applies for me with my parents.  Both my first parents and my adoptive parents are my parents.  If my adoptive parents told me that I was wrong, I would be devastated.  And if my first mother told me I was wrong about this, I would feel rejected again.  I love them both.  I don't have to pick one parent to love more than another.  And thankfully, they are all mature enough not to try to make me pick a favorite.  

(An aside:  Why do some adoptive parents AND first parents feel so defensive about this?  Is it because they can't imagine loving more than one set of people with the same depth of feeling?  I will never understand this insistence of who the "real" parents are.  Are the other parents "unreal"?)

As for the nature versus nurture question...  I remember back to my undergraduate days.  The psych prof said something that struck me...  Genetics probably sets the range for IQ, and environment determines where, within that range, the person will fall.  I think that's a good picture for how I feel about my own development.  Having found my first mother, I realize how many interests we have in common.  I don't share many of those interests with my adoptive parents.  But they were willing to let me pursue things they didn't always understand.  

I know that there are differences in what I feel, and the baggage I carry, for all my parents.  I feel differently about my adoptive mother than I do about my adoptive father.  And I feel differently about each of them than I do about my first mother.  But I love them all very much.  And it is difficult to put into words what the real differences are.  (Or maybe it's not all that difficult, but it's difficult to put succinctly, and I'm getting a little tired of the judgmental comments.)

Answer 9

my adoptied parents are my parents. pretty  much what ^ said. they're the ones who made me who i am. ive never met my birth mother. and wont till im 18. i totally respect my bio mom for what she did. she was in college when she had me & she knew she couldnt give me the life she wanted me to have.

Answer 10

The question is very easy to answer for me-  I love my birth mom for giving me life, and I respect her highly for choosing to give me life- instead of aborting me- also I have 2 adopted kids, and we all love their birth moms as well, a matter of fact my 19 year old son (you noticed I said my son) is on his way to visit his birth family for a month as I write this. However, speaking for myself- I consider my adopted parents my parents and the woman that gave birth to me- my birth mom.  I am very thankful for my birth mom's love, and I had great parents- so my experience was wonderful.

Answer 11

Wow - it's a complicated answer!  

My adoptive parents are my (so called) 'real' parents because I grew up with them.  Even though I grew up in a dysfunctional (abusive) home.  Good, bad or indifferent, my 'parents' are the ones who raised me.  

When my daughter was a year old, my parents tried to convince me many times to give her up for adoption.  Then they tried unsuccessfully to have her taken from me. I cut my parents out of my life for nearly 5 years. I reconnected with my adopted parents after meeting my birth mom. Finding her helped me forgive.  

I was a "daddy's" girl.  I love my (adopted) dad and miss him very much.  He loved me.  In his mind, I was HIS daughter.  There was no doubt.  Nothing could change my feelings for him.  

I disconnected completely from my adopted mother over 10 years ago, a couple of days after my dad died.  She basically "unadopted" me, leaving the message on voice mail.  We never did form a bond, though I desperately wanted to/tried to growing up.  She had biological kids (my brother & sister) and reluctantly agreed to my adoption.  I refer to her by her first name, or as a 'step' parent, if anything.  But I have no contact with her AT ALL.  

Both of my biological parents died several years ago.  I'm grateful that I had the chance to get to know them both.  When I first met them, they were kinda like long lost friends that I'd missed, yet didn't really know.  We couldn't magically make up for 20 years of separation.  I think my birth mom always felt that I was her baby, though.    

Because I know ALL my parents, I know that I am a blend of nature AND nurture.  My personality traits and even certain gestures, expressions, etc., I inherited from my birth parents.  I know this from the siblings I've met.  

Some of my personality traits were enhanced and/or encouraged by the family I grew up with.  Some traits were minimized.  

For example; my birth father was in Mensa, very bright.  A dreamer, he lacked having both feet on the ground.  My dad also had a high IQ, but was more practical.  He grounded me.  I imagine if I had grown up with my birth father, I would have been more flighty than I am.  = )

One can never make up for the years lost to adoption. Nor can we fully comprehend "what might have been".  It' too complex of a reality to get our minds around.

PS This is a great question!  It's solicited a more complete answer regarding the complex emotions surrounding adoption.  Hopefully those who have criticized adoptee's for wanting to know their history, or expressing concerns about the adoption industry "get it" a little better.

PSS Thanks to everyone who's responded! I have loved reading your answers!!

Answer 12

I have only known my adoptive parents. They are the ones that raised me and made me into the person I am today. My biological mother gave birth to me, she gave me life. I am very thankful for her in doing so. I understand the decision she made and why she gave me up. But I never loved her the same as my adoptive mother. My adoptive mother is my mother like my adoptive father is my father. My biological parents really just contributed the DNA that made me.

They had no say so in my upbringing. I still talk with my biological family but I don't love them in the same way as my adoptive family.

Answer 13

I think of both sets of parents as my parents, even though they were parents in different capacities.

Since my adoptive parents raised me, they had most of the influence in contributing to much of what has occurred in my life.  For example, because neither of my natural parents went to college, I may not have chosen to go to college if I'd stayed with them.  My adoptive mother did go to college, so she wanted my brother and me to do the same.  My natural  father didn't go to college, but made a good living starting as a very young person, and eventually owned his own business.  Of course, I can't say for sure.  

Of course, my adoptive family gave me the things I needed as a young child to survive and to have a stable home.  They were the only parents I knew.  I had no reference point for my natural parents, so I really had no idea what growing up with them would have been like.

My natural parents contributed what I call my "core" -- my natural abilities and talents, such as my musical talent and scientific interests and abilities.  Neither of these leanings or abilities came from my adoptive parents.  They did, however, encourage my use and practice of some of my natural leanings.  They also contributed much of my basic personality and manners of expression.

So, it's a combination of what each contributed to who I am today.  Since I'm reunited, my natural family is a close and much enjoyed addition to my life.  I very much appreciate what both sets of parents contributed (and contribute) to my life and to who I am.  Adopted persons are capable of enough love in their hearts for both sets of parents, just as other persons can love many people.

Answer 14

Everything Tara's brother said is true.

When people find out I'm adopted, they always have 2 questions.

1. Do you know your real parents?

Answer: Yes, they are the people who raised me.

2. Do you want to meet your real parents?

Answer: see above for my answer to 'real' parents. However, do I want to meet my *biological* parents?? Sometimes I think it would be nice to thank them for giving me a chance in life. They were teens - mother was a senior in high school - and not ready for the pressures of parenthood.

I obviously couldn't be raised with the saying 'blood is thicker than water' because I didn't know any of my 'blood'. I was raised to believe that family is how you choose to define it. Some people - my father's girlfriend included (my mom passed away 3-1/2 years ago) - have difficulty with this concept. As an adoptee, I have no other choice but to believe this. And, it has made for a much larger family. My friends are truly my family, thanks to this definition.

One thing I will say about the contribution my biological parents made to who I am today ... it was a huge one. They were selfless in making the decision to give me over to 2 loving people who couldn't have a child of their own. That is something I carry with me and remind myself of when I feel selffish. It's something that keeps me grounded and giving to those who are less fortunate. I think that is a fairly big contribution, no?

Final note - I love both sets of parents (even though I've never met my biological set) for very different reasons. My 'real' parents for being there for me during my own personal crisises growing up. My biological parents for being brave enough to go through a pregnancy then give the child up.

Peace.

Answer 15

I don't have any interest in either sets of them. I consider my son my only blood relation, and even he doesn't look anything like me. All of them are very irrational and some might say "dumb" and even though I can get along with anyone, I just feel sick that they've all abandoned reason and live their lives in a self-delusional dependency on their religion and religious friends, or remain in a deep depression, and are constantly judging and criticizing me, not allowing me to even chat with them without some misunderstanding.

Mama and Papa abandoning me and my adoptive parent's criticism and controlling personalities and all their expectations that were impossible for me to meet as an adopted child, both are equally responsible for my current PTSD and chronic depression, although I've come so far in the past few years, corresponding with my decision to leave them behind and prevent all further abuse.