Adoptees, what could your aparents have done differently?

Question

I'm not saying they did anything wrong, but like Laurie says, there's always room for improvement.

Answer 1

Nothing - absolutely nothing.

Of course, if you had asked me when I was 16, I would have explained that my curfew was unreasonable and I shouldn't worry about grades. Does that stuff count? (Yes, I am just kidding...)

Answer 2

I wish that my a-mum was more confident in herself to allow me to know more about my bio family.

I was never trying to replace her - I just needed to know that side of my family.

I asked - and she asked me not to talk about it - as it upset her!

I spent hours and hours daydreaming about where I came from - who was my mother - why I was relinquished.

Hours wasted - just because she didn't want to tell me things.

Then after she died - I've spent hours and hours feeling guilty for wanting to search.

I just needed to know.

She didn't know any better - they were told we didn't need to know back in the 60's and 70's.

Other than that - she was an awesome mum.

She died of cancer when I was 18 (my a-dad died before I was one) - and I still miss her every single day.

Answer 3

Not been abusive alcoholics. But that has nothing to do with them being my "adoptive" parents. It just has to do with them being parents...PERIOD.  I can separate the two. Can other people?

Answer 4

Specifically related to adoption?  (I mean what kid doesn't have any complaints about their parents?)

Specifically related to adoption, I wish they had been more wiling to talk about it.  I wish they had been more understanding of the ambivalence that I felt around adoption.  I wish they had understood, if not why I was different, at least that I was different.  I wish they could have acknowledged that it was a meaningful event in my life that had an effect on me.  I wish that they could have put whatever insecurities it created for them aside long enough to have a real conversation about it.

Answer 5

My aparents were given false information by the adoption agency.  The agency later admitted it.  They were told that my nparents were abusive and that the state took me from them.  None of it was true.  

That said, the one thing I wish they'd done differently was not speak poorly of my nparents in front of me.  It made me very uncomfortable and made me feel like there was something wrong with me, since I came from them.  Sometimes when my nmom was frustrated with me, she'd say I was just like "those people."  Not a good choice of things to say to an adopted child, especially when the child now believes her nparents to be abusers.  It hurt very much.  Don't get me wrong.  I understood them feeling upset if they thought I'd been abused, but if they were going to discuss it, I wish it would have been away from me.

If this aspect had been removed, I'd say they did the rest pretty well regarding adoption.  They were very otherwise honest, they understood that I had spent time in foster care so didn't have stability early on.  They, especially my nmom, were willing to talk about it.

Answer 6

Seriously everything. I was beaten and abused as a child so quiet honestly anything would have been better for me. I just don't think they realised what raising children was all about. I was a good kid that did everything I was told even cooking and housework when I was 7.

Answer 7

no my mom gave me up for a reason she couldn't take care of me she would rather i be cared for and safe than have to live with her because she new she could never provide me with what i needed

Answer 8

The ONLY thing that they could have done differently would have been to adopt me sooner!  This was my 3rd adoption and I was only a year old.  I don't blame them though.  I believe they were right on time.  If I were to blame anyone, it wouldn't be the foster homes but the agency that kept placing me in unstable homes.  They should have checked things out a WHOLE lot more than what they did.  By the time I was 2, I had separation anxiety b/c of all the moving around and such.  Other than that, they were great.

Answer 9

I just wish they had lived longer.  Watching your dad die of his 4th heart attack and caring for your mother while she dies of cancer, all before you turn 23, is something I wouldn't wish for anyone to have to go through.

Not that they had any control over it, but that's the ONLY thing I would ever change.

Answer 10

I would have preferred that my AP's had been less controlling and a little more supportive in the search. They were in the end but i mean in the earlier years.

I wish that they had of known about counseling specifically for adoptees and their parents

I wish my Mother hadn't died :(

Really none of which was their fault but I still wish those things