Adoptees, which is better?

Question

After the stuff that went on yesterday, I have to ask. I find that I'm pretty protective of the people I care about, and I'm pretty sure that when I have children, if anyone says hurtful things to them in my presence, I'll be saying a few choice words. But I've seen some answers where adoptees say this isn't necessarily the best way to go.

So, adoptees, when you were little and someone said something horribly insensitive and idiotic, like some of the things people were saying yesterday, what did your parents say? How would you prefer they handle it? Because I can kick some major...well, you know.

Answer 1

My mother raised me to know I was adopted from when I understood what it meant.  I never had an issue with it, it was like, OK I have blonde hair, like it was just a fact.

My mother said she bought me at the baby store, and I was a special little girl because my mother choose me.  My mother and I  have the day before Thanksgiving as our anniversary (thats the day they brought me home), and we call each other each year on that day, even if we have spoken the day before.

Most adoptees deal with insecurities and rejection issues.  So adopted parents can make adoption be a beautiful thing if they let their child know that they are the most special gift they have ever received.

Answer 2

Follow their lead.  

I find, generally, it's less important to get in someone's face, and more important to provide support for the person hurting.  Yesterday, for instance, I was less concerned with attacking people who were hurtful and more interested in being a shoulder to lean on, if that was wanted.  

In general, I think that's for the best.  Rude people aren't going to change because someone gets upset with them.  But people who are hurting can benefit from support.

Having said that, I know what you mean, Gaia.  I have really gotten my bristles up when someone I care about is hurt.  It's hard not to fight back.  

But I've come to realize that that isn't always the best way to help.  (And sometimes it is.)

Thanks for the question.

ETA:  Oh, I need to work on it, too!  :)

Answer 3

It's so hard not to just want to jump down peoples' throats when they hurt those about whom we care.  I try hard to say what I have to say without being really mean, although it's difficult.  

In real life, I usually do a very quick chastising of the offender, then take the offended person away from the offender to offer comfort.  My amom put up with a lot of c**p from my afather, so she didn't put up with it from people outside the home.  People knew it, too.  So, it was incredibly rare that anyone ever say anything hurtful about her children in front of her.  She had no problem putting the person in his/her place if an offense occurred.

Answer 4

You need to keep in mind that a majority of the comments made yesterday were made by one person who has a miserable life and multiple accounts.  She was just "having a lark" with people's emotions.

I know there are people out there who do discriminate against us adoptees but yesterday's affair was the work of one sad and lonely person who was simply bored and felt like cyberbullying because her own life is so pathetic and sad.As in all things you learn to have a thick skin.  That's all.

Answer 5

G it was usually my a mother that was saying the horrible, insensitive, idiotic things. I used to have to run to my aunt in tears and she would curse my mother out for whatever racist remark had come out of her mouth that time so at least i had a protector for a while.

My aunt died when i was 19 and my mother has been making up for lost time ever sense.

I just wish she had never adopted me at all. maybe i would have been in a home forever, but then again maybe she wouldn't have made me feel completely worthless either

Answer 6

Just be sure you don't assume the stuff you read here is how your child is going to feel.  You are smart enough to know that....you may adopt 3 kids from the exact same birth family, raise them in your exact same home, and have three kids who view it VERY differently.

Some are thrilled to be adopted some are thrilled to have a "forever family" and embrace that title....some on a level they can't even identify will resent you for being what their birth parents weren't....it is common....

I've done adoptions with kids who suffered HORRIBLE abuse who came through to be normal, average kids and adults, and babies who were taken at birth from abusive settings who never heal.

I think you have to gauge your kids.....what is even more scary is the stuff people say when they aren't trying to be mean......here's what kills me....

For example, when an adoption is going through a rough patch..."Have you thought about returning them?"  These are children, not bath towels that didn't fit into your powder room.  I do not print out receipts with a 90 day exchange policy on my children that are adopted.

One of my clients was told she was virtually infertile, and her husband was totally infertile......they adopted triplets, two identical twins and a fraternal.....she left the hearing to throw up.... thought it was nerves.......nope...it was her son......

So after assuring people that the child was indeed her husband's (yes his mother implied otherwise)........people asked if they were returning the triplets......more than a few people said....."EVEN the one who doesn't MATCH?"

I know this because the biological brother of the triplets was adopted by my cousin (long before I EVER worked for the agency).

People say stupid things...on purpose and on accident.

You're very talented and have a way with words....maybe after you adopt you should keep a journal of things and write a book educating people, teachers and the like of how these things are hurtful....that would be constructive!

Answer 7

You should probably be more specific about "what people said yesterday". Not everyone reads the same questions.

Answer 8

Gaia,

    LOL I think I would advise you not get into a knock-out-drag-down fight over the issue.  (Although you may feel like you want to!)  You can share your experience and correct people when necessary. I hope you have a thick skin. Because you will encounter some purposely rude people and others that just do not know better.

KWIM?  

Fight the good fight and recognize you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink!

Answer 9

I am not completely sure what things went on yesterday, however, I think I may know what you  are referring too-  when someone would say something insensitive to me, my parents always stood up for me, and I do the same with my children- however at the same time, we have to be careful how much we say- because we don't want to stoop down to the level of the person doing the insulting do we?

Answer 10

believe it or not i am human and i am extremely protective of my children! i would not allow anyone to upset my kids its a mothers instinct biological or not! and iasabel a it was 2 ppl yesterday one with a few accounts and me with one! sorry for wanting to learn more about doption and how it works in America!!!!! i would actually like to adopt one day! and you never know i might actually learn something here!!!!!!!!

OH and i wouldnt return a child EVER !!!! i would help it through the tough times and give it love!