Adoptees, would you be angry?

Question

So, I've decided not to take the open adoption agreement and continue fighting for my son. My only worry is that if I don't get him back, he will be angry with me later in life for opting to fight rather than accept something that would give me contact with him. Adoptees, would you be mad at a first parent for this?

Answer 1

I would wonder what you were thinking in the first place, was it an issue that the child was taken away from you, did you give him up willingly, is your situation one where you could raise a child in a healthy environment? These are all questions that would need to be asked, on top of that is he in a better stable home now, and one where he thinks of his adoptive parents as his parents?  I am not sure what your reasons for fighting are, but if they are honorable and not just done out of spite then maybe all would be forgiven, but if there is revenge or some other cruel reason then I know I would not have the best of feelings toward you later in life.  

Answer 2

roar

Answer 3

NO.  No no no no.  You would not be the one I was angry with.  No no no no no.  I'd be mad at the AP's for using the courts to keep me from being with my n-mom.

Answer 4

You're in an impossible situation.  I don't think I would be angry.  It sounds like you're doing all you can to regain custody.  

I wish you well.  And I hope you have your own lawyer to help you through all of this.

Answer 5

I'd be angry if I found out that a mother who loved and wanted me; who was perfectly capable of raising me was denied the chance to do so by people who refused to do the right thing.

I would totally cut loose an adoptive parent who had intentionally kept my mother from me.

I believe the revocation period you were given was ridiculously short and that is so, so wrong.  I'm sorry.   I think the 'open' agreement should be in reverse - with them having visitation whilst returning custody to you, his mother.

Answer 6

You keep in there. I wouldn't be angry, I would be proud that my mother would fight for me.

Answer 7

I know you don't know my personal story, which is long and complicated but to make it short, my mother and father got divorced and I got very sick, my mother left and my dad asked his parents to adopt me. My mother came back later but my grandmother fought to keep me. My mother decided not to fight for me and I didn't see her again until I was 18. You know who I am mad at? I spend a lot of time crying into my pillow wondering why I wasn't worth fighting for. Why didn't she want me? She would kill for her other children, but I wasn't worth the hassle.

I wouldn't have been mad at her if she'd fought and lost. I'd have been mad at my grandparents if my mom had fought for me and she lost and they didn't let me see her anymore. I'm mad at her because she didn't even TRY.  

Answer 8

You know, I have a friend who had the state take away his child, and then adopt that child out to some other family.  he had no choice in the matter, and would love to meet his son again.  Sometimes, there is no choice by the parent about it, and if you want your child back, fight.

Answer 9

I wouldn't be angry with you cause most adoptees would never know. I wish my birth parents would come and find me.

Answer 10

There is absolutely no way to know. Every person is different.  Some people are angry about their adoption, angry at their birth parents, angry at their adoptive parents -- just angry!  Others are happy and see that likely the best decisions were made at the time, and move on.  Just like people in any area of life -- some people whose husbands leave them just live in that anger and misery for the rest of their lives, and make everyone else live it too.  Others grieve or get angry and then figure out how they can move forward and lead and full and happy life.  The same with illness -- some people just take on that identity -- MS patient or alcoholic, etc.  Others do what they need to do and enrich and expand their lives in other areas in order to be fulfilled.  Life is mostly all about attitude, which cannot usually be taught, but can be encouraged and role modelled.  No one, no one, can tell you what to do.  That is their perspective and their life and what they have chosen for their life -- it is not yours.  Yours it what you make it.  Just as is your child's.

Answer 11

I so so so so so so so wish my mother fought for me.

Sadly - she was a destroyed and broken woman by the time she was made to sign the paperwork.

Fight. With everything that is in you.

Adoptees need to know that their mothers didn't give up on them.

That's what is most important.

Answer 12

My parents gave up on me.  They didn't lose me to adoption, it was a different situation.  But they didn't care enough to "fight" for me.  I'm extremely p*ssed that they didn't care enough about me to try.  If you fight for him, you CAN'T lose.  Even if you don't get your son back, you tried, and that will mean the world to him.  Don't give up, EVER.  I know it must be hard.  I'm pulling for you!

Answer 13

I know I am probably a lone voice but I feel like I need to stand up for the Adoptive Parents. People who adopt, tend to do so out of LOVE! I know you love your child but so do they. And I don't think very many people here seem to realize that...

This is an impossible situation...and I do sympathize with you!!! But because I have an outsider's perspective, I can see that everyone in this situation is getting hurt and there are no winners here because no matter what, someone loses a child that they love. I just wish more adoptees would realize that they are loved and not resent their parents (BP or AP).

ADOPTEES: It takes LOVE for an adoption to ever happen...genuine love from both sets of parents!!! Love to bring a child into this world and love to give that child a chance at a better life...and love to raise "someone else's" child as your very own.

Answer 14

No, I would not be angry with you.  You are between the proverbial rock and hard place.  Your situation is incredibly difficult.  I would understand that you fought for me, and that would mean so very much to me.  I would understand that if we ended up separated completely for a time that it wasn't your choice or your fault.  

I hope you and your son can be permanently reunited soon.

Answer 15

Keep fighting.

He will be angry at those people who adopted him, not you.

I'm sorry.

Answer 16

No I wouldn't. If i EVER found out that my aparents tried keeping me when my natural family WANTED and were able to take care of me. I would NEVER speak to my aparents again.

I wouldn't be angry at my natural parents, In fact, i wish they would have at least tried to keep me.  

Answer 17

Absolutely not!!!

He is your son, and you shouldn't surrender him to anyone.

Adoptees should understand most of all how important a child is to their parent.

Keep fighting and good luck!

Answer 18

Sorry, not an adoptee but an adoptive parent.

Let me first say that I can not imagine how difficult this must be for everyone involved and my heart goes out to all of you.  That being said, I think that you need to do what you feel is right for you and your son.  If that means fighting for your son, fight!

Answer 19

Not trying to be rude but you decided to give your child up.  I personally wouldn't want to have to deal with someone my whole life that didn't want me.  This is one of the reasons I fear adopting because I don't want some person being able to butt into my life after spending the time and money to adopt my child.  I think once a parent decides to give their child up that should be it...it should be done...that's why so many people are opting for international adoption...there is no chance that some mother 10 years later after she gets her c**p together isn't gonna come seeking us out trying to apologize or get my child back.  I don't know maybe I don't see it like the rest or maybe I don't understand your question due to the fact that there is missing information.