Adoptees: Did your adoptive mom recognize that you had another mom or did she insist she was the only one?

Question

Or vice versa (first mom insisting she was the "real" mom)?

Would it have made anything easier if both of your moms got to know each other and even liked each other and each recognized they were both "mothers" to you? What if they had become friends? Would that have been comforting or awkward?

Answer 1

Kazi...great question.  Thanks!

Andraya,

I am so sorry that someone could be so ignorant to give you a thumbs down for telling that wonderfully touching piece from your life.  My assumption is that it came from someone who could never even hope to me as generous and loving as either of your moms.

Answer 2

Shame on the person who thumbed down Andraya’s post.

That is very touching sweet memory thanks for sharing it.  It is unfortunate that your mom’s never got to meet each other.

Answer 3

I am in the vice versa group.  My son is a family adoption through foster care and we have always been honest with him that he had two moms.  But his BP overstepped the line on a visit when he was 3 and proceeded to tell him that I was not his mother and that she was his "real" mom and only mom and I wasn't.  I feel that I gave her the respect and she just tossed me aside.  She also had 27 scheduled visit and showed up for only a handful and then with 19 months without seeing my son, and then went another 12 months and just saw him when I took him 20 hours to see her.  So even though she did not respect me, I still try to keep a relationship open for my son.

Answer 4

How could anyone thumb down Andrya for sharing that story? Shame on you! Sheeesh people that was just mean.

Are you afraid your child will want to know their first mom too?

Andrya,

      Thank you for sharing your story, I appreciated the difficulty it must have taken to tell us.   ((( hug )))

Answer 5

my hubby recently got in contact with his birth parents...

his adoptive mom was over protective during this process. it took me 3 months to go through her belongings to find information about my hubby's birth parents (open adoption). we found stacks of letters and pictures he has NEVER seen. we took them home and read them. his birth mom was a very brave lady, only 17 when she gave birth. birth father was 15...

we ended up contacting them both.. about a week later we were at his adoptive parents house for his youngest sibling graduation. he told the story how he contacted them and showed pictures. he was calling his birth dad, "dad" infront of his adoptive dad. he didn't say anything. he seemed happy for my hubby. but as soon as he called his birth mom, "mom" his adoptive mom kind of freaked. "NO! You're BIRTH MOM!" And giving a sad puppy dog look to her friends.....

PLEASE! GROW UP! That's what I wanted to yell back. Her son is married and expecting our first. There is no need to act like that. He knows who raised him and nurtured him all of these years. BUT His "birth" mom gave live to his "adoptive" mom (she is infertile). I think she should be gracious!

Answer 6

My folks were open with me about my adoption.  I did not really understand the situation until I was older.  I was aware I had another people, but my parents were my mom and dad.  When I had questions my parents would answer them to their knowledge.  When I became an adult my mom pushed me to find my birthP if I wanted or needed too.  To me I felt that was odd because I was happy with her as my mother, I realize now that she just wanted to make sure I was whole.  It was nice to find my birthM and an emotional experience, we still have random contact, but I realized that I was already whole and all I really wanted was the family that I already had who raised me.

Answer 7

My adopted son is my son.  His mom did drugs and was not healthy enough to take care of him.  I kinda hated her for not taking care of him, but I'd still take him to see her (she's in a nursing home at just a little over 40 years old)  As I got to know her, I realized that due to her life circumstances, she just made some bad choices.  Some times its awkward and some times I still get a little mad about stuff, but we both have a son we can be proud of.

Answer 8

Where I am from all adoptions are closed so the only real "solid" info we had on my birth mother was that she was a teenager when I was born and told the nurses that the dad had been killed in an accident, which was later found to be untrue.

My Mom always was very open about the fact that I was adopted and very supportive of me finding this woman and getting my medical history.  I personally though have no desire for any of it.  She didn't so much make me feel like I had another "Mom" it was more her just trying to be very open with the topic and not wanting me to feel guilty or like I couldn't contact her as another woman, not another mom...if that makes any sense at all?!

Answer 9

Oh I love telling this story, as sad and painful as it is...

My amom was very ill from the time I was around 10 until she passed when I was 14. She had always made sure to tell me how much she loved my "real" mom (her words not mine). From early childhood on I was told of how wonderful and important my real mom was to my amom. When the time came for my amom to leave this world my brother and I were called to the hospital, she had lived there for three years. After about half an hour my amom told everyone to leave except me, it was obvious she was in a great deal of pain and had very little time left. I was nervous and scared to be the only one in the room with her and I stood fairly far away from her. She called me over to her in a whisper and held my hand tightly. "Andrea, I love you. Take care of your brother and your dad and please find your real mom and tell her I love her. Thank her for giving me the chance to raise you."

I don't remember much else from that night except when my aunt came into my room later on at home. I was listening to the Use Your Illusion II album by Guns N Roses, their version of Knocking on Heavens Door was playing...

"Knock, knock, knocking on heavens door"...  A knock at my bedroom door.

"Knock, knock, knocking on heavens door"... "Andrea, can I come in?" my aunt asked.

"Knock, knock, knocking on heavens door"... "yeah" I said back in a tiny voice.

"Knock, knock, knocking on heavens door"... "I'm so sorry, Andrea. Your mom is gone"

I found out much later that the Dr. had said that morning that she wouldn't make it to see noon. She told my aunt to make sure my brother and I had dinner and to bring us up, she had to talk to me about something very important... She held on to ask me to tell my "real" mother about her love and gratitude toward her.

She knew I was hers to love, raise, cherish and nurture. She also knew that someday I would long to know where I came from. She layed the groundwork for a positive relationship with my first mom from the time I was very small. For that alone she is my hero and my mentor as to how to be a great parent.

ETA

I would like to thank whoever is cruel and self righteous enough to thumb down a post that clearly shows that my amom was ten times the parent most of the people here can ever hope to be.

I assume you are an adopter who can't handle the compassion and deep love my mother showed to the woman who chose to ignore her own needs and endured horrible abuse prior to my relinquishment.

Ignorance is so boundless here I find myself wondering what point there is to sharing anything anymore.

I guess from now on you will all see the b*tchy, guarded, snarky and sarcastic me and not the person I really am. Fear makes people nasty and I truly fear sharing personal stories here. My innermost thoughts, feelings, joys and sorrows are TOO GOOD for this place.

ETA 2

Thank you all for the kind words. My amom was a saint stuck in a family of sinners. She believed in me, in my goodness and in who I was, unlike her family who believed the "bad blood" would catch up with me and that I was damaged beyond repair by the time I was born.

I think that if more aparents were able to show love and compassion toward their childrens fparents adoptees would be less likely to shun themselves. It is a lonely world for a person who is told they will never amount to anything just because of something that was done to them before they are born. Many adoptees feel this way without having the sterotypes thrust in their faces. APs should be careful not to make rude comments about thier childrens fparents, after all we are part of them, what they are we "must" be as well.

Answer 10

Well, as I'm a transracial adoptee and my mothers didn't know each other... can't really answer your second question.

But my amom never thought I was *only* her child, she always realized there was another mother before her and she always respected that.

She never used the terms "birth" or "biological" either. She just used "Your other mother."

Answer 11

You have a mom, that is the person that raised you, loved you, was there for all the school stuff, doctors appointments, and your problems. The person who gave birth to you is just that. Yes, she loved you enough to know she could not raise you properly for whatever reason and did what she could to ensure you had a home where you would get what you needed, but she is not your mom, that is something you earn.

Just my opinion, and yes I know that the children think of it as having two moms, but they don't, only one was there.

Answer 12

Andraya,

Thank you for sharing your beautiful story about your loving amom laying the groundwork for a wonderful relationship with your mom.  She is a hero and an inspiration for all amoms:)

(((((((((((Andraya)))))))))))

*thank you Kazi for this question.

Answer 13

My adoptive Mum is a realist if she'd been insecure about our relationship and threatened by my real Mom I don't think we'd be as close as we are today.

She knows I have two mothers and that I love them both.  I adore her for being so secure in our relationship and it has only made us closer as mother and daughter.

Answer 14

I don't think my adoptive mom really takes notice or cares to. she just avoids it, really.

Answer 15

Andraya, that was a beautiful thing that both mothers did for each other. It showed their bravery and confidence to lean on each other the way they did whether they thought they were doing this or not. I can't imagine why someone would think ill thoughts about either mother. Both women proved their love for you. I hope that you are able to pass your mom's message onto to your mother. Good Luck and God Bless!!!

Answer 16

Andraya that was such an honest and beautiful post. Unfortunately, there are people that will be threatened by it.

They don't want to hear, that their adopted child will want to seek out their mother, forgive her and reconnect. For their own selfish reasons and insecurities, they just won't/can't accept it.

"From early childhood on I was told of how wonderful and important my real mom was to my amom. "

If all a-parents thought like this, it would be so much healthier for everyone.   Too many Ap's and pap's today,  look at many pregnancies resulting in placement as "Prom night dumpster babies", when its not the case at all. I don't now if its guilt, selfishness or fear but what I do know is that it just makes them,  ethically wrong.

Answer 17

My amother told me recently she 'never thought about' my nmother (or father) while I was growing up.

She referred to her as "the woman who gave birth to you" to me.

I don't blame her too much.  I think the *agency think* in the early 60s was, don't worry, this child is 'as if' born to you, and it will be 'impossible' for them to ever find each other.

Answer 18

I am a biomom of 3 and an amom of 1 and fostering to adopt 2 more.  Our first adoption was difficult in that the bparents were disrespectful to our family, our time and our bonding with our child.  We moved from the city for a job and remain in contact with them.  They have since the move, done a ton better and I do not mind hanging with them now.  Our son has Down syndrome and Im not sure how much he will understand, but he will always know that he is adopted.  Our foster children are actually our great neice and nephew and come from a very dysfunctional home.  While I try to stay positive on speaking of the bmom, she has done much to destroy them.  I fight that anger within myself all the time, so as to not put it over into the children.  The older child says her other mom taught her bad things, her words not mine.  The younger has no memory of her.  Will they know they are adopted?  Yes.  Will we willingly meet with her?  Not until she is WAY clean, in protection of the children.

As a amom I have struggled with open adoptions and now have one that can not be more open being it's family.  I know my struggle is with my own security as a mom and that is not fair to put on the children.   Adoption and other moms is common conversation in our home.  I pray that I handle the questions as graciously as the amom spoken of previously.  I forget the name of the one who posted her story.  Great mom there.  I am the mom of 6 because of 2 other women who are also moms.  I am blessed to be able to love all children in my home and call them mine, however they came to me.

Answer 19

Andraya - Thanks for your post.  I'm trying with everything I have to be a good adoptive Mom.  I, too, love my mother's first mom.  I will use your Mom as a role model.

I'm not an adoptee, but I'm learning a lot from the adoptees on the board about raising my daughter.  I hope ya'll don't mind me lurking.