Adoptees - Do you feel this is wrong?

Question

We have always celebrated "Welcome Home Day" at our house as a family. We take the day & spend it doing a family oriented activity - like visiting the zoo or going to a park, etc. We use it to focus on our family & the importance of that. We do give our son a gift - usually a book that focuses on love or family. We do NOT refer to it as Gotcha Day, but we do call it "Welcome Home Day" and also take the opportunity to talk to our son (who is a pre-schooler) about how he came to our family & where he lived before he lived with us.

Someone posted a previous question about Gotcha Day & the responses seemed to imply that adoptees would prefer not to "celebrate" this day because it is associated with loss. One person mentioned that you would not celebrate the day a friend lost a spouse.

My thought however, is that if that friend remarried, I would celebrate & honor their new life & family. That is what we are trying to do with our son. Are we wrong in your opinion as an adoptee?

Answer 1

My family adopted my little sister, Mia, from China.  Shes 4 now and we still celebrate "Gotcha Day" for one reason, SHE LOVES IT!  Its her favorite day all year.  We take her to a Chinese Restaurtant and she can order anything she wants.  We then give her a present my mom bought for her while she was in China from her province.  We then go out to get ice cream.  Its a GREAT idea, but if the kid or kids don't like it, I wouldn't celebrate.  It depends on the kid I think.

Answer 2

who gives a **** what other people think.  someone is always going to have an opinion regarding things we do, or choices we make.

if it works for you then it works

Answer 3

I don't know if wrong and right are the appropriate terms.  For me, I just wanted to be able to talk about adoption related stuff in my own way and in my own time.  I didn't need to have celebrations, days and such that were related to the fact that I was adopted.  I just wanted to be a normal kid as much as possible.  

We often celebrated my birthday and my brother's birthday together, since they were only 4 days apart.  He's their bio son.  We did a lot of things together as a family.  Having them love me and being "a part of" was all that mattered to me.  Feeling a part of was a difficult enough task for me. It took many years after my adoption at age 2 to start feeling more that way.  

I feel my amom handled things pretty well as far as my adoption stuff went.  She wasn't perfect with it all, but who's perfect about anything, right?  

As far as the remarriage analogy, these were two adults who chose to form a new family.  Adopted children had no control over these matters, so it's not so much the same.

Answer 4

We met our son for the first time on July 1 -- he was 2-1/2 years old. We brought him home with us on July 31 of that same year. One year after we brought him home, we were in another state visiting my parents and sister. My sister and her two children have birthdays within 4 days of each other and they all happened to occur while we were visiting. My son was only 3 and my mom didn't want him to feel left out, so on July 31 she got a cake that said, "One year in our family." I thought it was lovely and sweet -- more because she didn't want my son to feel left out than anything.

I've had my son in my life for 4-1/2 years now and we've never celebrated the day we brought him home for the first time since that first anniversary. I always think about it on that day, but I don't give him presents or anything like that. I can appreciate adoptees' feelings on this, but no two people are the same. As your son gets older, he will be able to talk to you about his feelings regarding Welcome Home Day. If he wants to celebrate, great! If he doesn't, I know you'll respect that. Do what works for your family.

Answer 5

actualy i dont think its wrong. do you what think is right... and for those people... have they even adopted their own kid best of luck

Answer 6

We don't have a big party, gifts or anything, but we do acknowledge the homecoming day.  We go out to dinner and share stories about coming home or getting ready for the adoption.

My daughter rather gleefully points out how naughty her younger brother was on the plane ride home.  Both talk about how they ate Dad's dinner on the plane, saw ice cubes for the first time, and how LONG the trip was!

I should point out, my kids were adopted at older ages from overseas.  They'd been in an orphanage for a couple years before adoption so for them, coming home day was a happy time, not  a time of loss for them.  We also discuss the losses of missing birthfamily, missing other children at the orphanage, but they don't connect it to homecoming day.  It's a happy time for us.

Answer 7

I am an adoptee- and although my parents never celebrated "welcome Home Day" it was no secret how me (and my 2 brothers and a sister) came to be there with them. I think it helped me to have always been able to talk about it in an open way with my parents.

I think it's a wonderful new tradition for your family and should be continued.

Answer 8

Perhaps the best way is to ask your son if he wants to celebrate that year?  Who knows, he may want to for the rest of his childhood or he may want to stop by age 7,9,10 etc.  Since it is about him, he is probably the best person to ask.

As for the analogy you used, I'm with LauraDB that it's not a good analogy.  A relationship between 2 adults(obviously not always long lasting, hence the reason you would celebrate re-marriage) cannot really be compared with a relationship with a parent and child (which I hope will never end, unlike said marriage).

Answer 9

We acknowledge the day, too, in way that is similar to your family (well we've only had one so far).  We simply call it adoption day.  It is NOT a party, it is only my husband, me, and our daughter.  We don't give a gift.  I actually think it could be a day where loss is acknowledged when our daughter is older, not a day where we "celebrate" and are oblivous to our daughter's feelings.  But, it is the day our family came together, no matter what loss preceded it.  I think we can acknowledge that union without ignoring the loss.  I know that birthdays can be difficult for adoptees, too.  But, I'm certainly going to celebrate my daughter's entry into the world, again while being cognizant that it may be a sad day for her as well, and her feelings will be accepted.

Answer 10

I used to have an adoption day celebration. I loved it, I didn't feel out of place with the rest of the family and I never thought of that day as a day I lost something. It was a celebration of the day I came home to my family.

Answer 11

If it works for your son it is a good thing.  I think most people were just against the title Gotcha.

Answer 12

I am not an adpotee, but I have family that is adopted and my fiancee was adopted at the age of 9 by his mother...

in my opinion if I were in that position, I wouldn't feel bad, I would be happy to know that I am with a family that loves and cares for me... and I would most definitely celebrate that day!

Answer 13

There is more than enough adjusting to do in a new family - being singled out with a special day is well-intentioned foolishness. Please stop.

Birthdays and other celebrations that biological children have are sufficient.

Answer 14

Every situation is different.  If you adopted your child as an infant (which sounds like you did), I do not see a problem with what you are doing.  You are not so much making a big deal about "him" as you are about your family.  What can be wrong with celebrating family - regardless of adoption or not?!?!  If some people (and I know you will get them) here have a problem with what you do, just praise God they are not related to you!  (LOL)

If your child is older, I would give them the opportunity (as another person answered) to make the decision for themself.  For me, I would have LOVED to celebrate the day my new life began in foster care and then being adopted!  However, my sister who did not have things as well as I did, may not have wanted to celebrate things.  I think it is really dependent on the situation and the age of the child.

However, I do believe that celebrating FAMILY is not wrong and is a great way to honor your child's adoption!  Good for you!

Answer 15

hi there- no I do not think that you are wrong in what you do- it is never wrong to celebrate important days, and when an adoption is final that is a day to celebrate-  I am adopted as you know, and also have 2 adopted kids= we never did that, but looking back, I kind of wish we had-  Maybe others do feel like it adds to the "LOSS" however, if you did not feel a loss in the first place, then  no I don't think it is wrong.  This is just my experience.

Answer 16

BPD --

I have no question about your heart and intentions; it is very clear that you love your son with every ounce of your heart as evidenced by your many questions and posts here.

As someone else posted, there is probably no right or wrong answer here, go with what you feel is right . . .However, I, as an adoptee, probably would've felt wierd about an annual Welcome home day.   It's one of those is it being crammed down my throat that i'm adopted type of things.  I don't need it constantly mentioned to remind myself that i'm adopted.  In fact, I personally just want to be treated like the other kids.

I had a question the other day re: talking about it too much make someone feel different than the rest of the family.  There were some GREAT answers on that subject but it looks like most people didn't want a big deal made about their adoption, they just wanted to know the doors were open should they want to talk about their adoption.

Answer 17

I think it's a sweet thing to do.

Answer 18

As an adoptee, I think it is a great idea.... I tend not to like my birthday and the days around it and found out this was subconsiously because of the loss I experienced around that time (when I was adopted) BUT that doesn't mean I wish my parents let me wallow in self-pity.  

It is sort of like when someone close to you dies.... it is best to make the day of their death into something happy and memorable... remember all the fun things about that person.  So I like the idea of Welcome Home Day.  Good on ya!

Answer 19

I am 39 years old, and ever since I was five years old and found out that I was adopted, we have celebrated March 16th as another birthday--I love it, not because of presents or cards, but the mere fact that it confirms my "special" place in our family--my husband even gets me a present and a special card.  Everyone in my family calls me, and I enjoy most of all speaking with my mom and reminiscing about the good, and bad times of raising me!  

I think that if the adoption experience is a pleasant one, and the adoptee was raised in a stable, loving environment, there is only joy and happiness when the day rolls around.

Answer 20

I guess maybe the best way to look at it is to decide exactly why you are doing it.

Is the celebration more for you, or for your son?

And I'm not trying to say this to be snarky or mean, I'm truly saying this to get to the heart of the matter.  Is this a celebration for the adoptive family, or for the adoptee?

If your son seems to be AT ALL uncomfortable with any of it, then perhaps it is something that can be done without.  But if he enjoys it and likes the celebrations, then continue with them.

As long as the meaning behind it is the adoptee...this should be about the child, and not celebrating the needs of the adoptive family.  

Of course you would celebrate the new life of a remarried friend, but divorce is something ADULTS do...a decision made by BOTH parties, that BOTH had a hand in deciding.  Adoption is not like divorce...the separation of the adoptee from his or her family is something that the child had no say or control in, unlike divorce and remarriage.  Both have pain, but unlike divorce, a child is completely and utterly helpless in the events of the separation.

Answer 21

Welcome home day/Gotcha day:  What the heck does it matter what you call it--  you're still doing the same thing... celebrating the day that your child entered the family.  

BTW:  I celebrate the day I met my son for the first time.  I ofcourse don't run around announcing that he is adopted- and post signs saying "gotcha"--  we just do things together as a family.  A movie together...  an ice cream dessert together at an ice cream shop... whatever we want to do that day.

Answer 22

I'm not an adoptee, but I was going to respond to the previous question about "Gotcha Days," but it was resolved while I was composing my answer.

We have celebrated our "adoption anniversary" every year with a special dessert after dinner. (No party, no gifts). We usually invite close extended family over for dessert and we have a good time together, share some of our first memories, etc.

My DS (my older child) is 7 now. He is beginning to have more understanding, more questions, and more feelings of loss surrounding his adoption. We had a talk about things before his adoption anniversary last year and I gave him the option of doing "the usual," doing something different, or not doing anything at all. He wanted to do the usual, so we did.

Afterward, I think he had some conflicting feelings about it. We had a good conversation. At that point, he "wasn't sure" if he wanted to do anything for his adoption anniversary next year. Next year, I will ask again and follow his lead.

To *me*, I totally agree with you. I feel it's more like celebrating a remarriage than a divorce/death of a spouse. My children's relinquishments both happened more than a year before we adopted them so, to me, they're separate events. To my son, I think the feelings are more complex and less easily separated.

I do not think recognizing the adoption anniversaries are bad, but I think it's definitely more complex than I thought when we first started doing it (our agency suggested celebrating it). However, I think we should be open to change as our children's needs/wants change. How you acknowledge it today doesn't have to be the same when he's 7, 20, or 45.

Answer 23

Why WELCOME HOME day?  Why not just FAMILY Day?  It sounds like a lovely day of time spent together...but why does it have a name at all?  Do you write it on the calendar?  Why is there a gift involved?  What happens if the day falls during the week and you don't have time to go to the zoo?  Would you keep your child out of school and adults take vacations days...that will be fun for your child to explain to 7th grade buddies.  Too weird for my taste!

In your own example of a second marriage...do they celebrate SECOND MARRIAGE anniversary?  No, just wedding anniversary.

Answer 24

However, would you celebrate the life of the late spouse on the anniversary of the passing?  Maybe bring the person out for dinner, just to let them know that they aren't alone.

The Welcome Home Day celebration could be used for the same purpose.  When the child is thinking about the person that gave him/her up (it isn't necessarily true that they didn't want the child, but rather felt that someone else could provide a better life at that time), you can provide a reminder that there is someone that really loves them.

I believe that adoption is a wonderful thing.  The views above are my opinion.  The bottom line is that you need to make your own decisions.

Answer 25

There seems to be objection to the names "Gotcha Day" or "Adoption Day" and I can understand adoptees not wanting to feel different and making an issue of adoption.  I think that changing the name to "Family Day" in celebration of becoming a family, that there would be less objection.  That way, it wouldn't be drawing attention to his adoption but a celebration of the family becoming a family.  Kids always like gifts no matter what kind of celebration it is but gifts would be in order for ALL the kids in the family because you are celebrating FAMILY.  The books like you describe focusing on LOVE and FAMILY are perfect for this celebration.

Answer 26

I was one of the answers that was in the negative on "Gotcha" day or Adoption day, or whatever you want to call it.  And I am absolutely firm that there is no question that this day should never, ever be called "Gotcha" day...I don't even like "Adoption" day particularly either.  "Welcome Home" day...maybe.

I will say that Erin L's answer made me think that if it were a day that was an acknowledgment of the day I was adopted as opposed to a "celebration", I might feel differently about that.  Also, the fact that it only involves the immediate family, without putting the adoptee in the limelight of a huge party, is much more sensitive and acceptable.  

I think that one of the worst things that a family can do is to call attention to the fact that the adoptee is different than other children...I have always been more than aware and agonized over that fact.  A party specifically calling attention to that  would be excruciating torture.  

On the other hand, if it were a quiet moment between just me and my parents, and it gave me the opportunity to be open about feelings and questions, whether they were negative or otherwise, would be a nice thing.  Even if it were to just let me cry my heart out on my Mom's shoulder...if there were a special day for that, I would appreciate that a lot.

Answer 27

Can't you tell how your adoptee feels about it? Are you unable to ask him a meaningful questions? Even pre-schoolers have opinions. He'd be the authority on subject of your rituals.

Answer 28

i dont see where any harm can come, IF he is comfortable with it. i think a cake and all is much, but your family trips seem to be a good way to celebrate without making a huge scene and driving home the point that he is different.

if all enjoy the day then go with it. if later he becomes less than thrilled then stop. just take his lead and go with it.

i have known you for quite some time now and i truly feel your intentions are pure. so make it a happy day, but one of just you guys, like you have been. i think it would have been nice to have a small token such as this. we never did anything like that. ( i was naughty, naughty, naughty though. so i was probably grounded or something, knowing me. LOL)