Adoptees: Do you find you have issues regarding aparents biological children?

Question

I was adopted at birth. My adoptive family has ALWAYS treated me wonderfully and just like my sister (their biological daughter). I started experiencing depression as a teenager and through talking with a counselor, I really started to realize the issues I had with feeling inadequate compared to my sister. The older I get (I'm 25) the more it seems to bother me. Anyone else have this problem? What should I do?

Answer 1

I was adopted at birth too and only found out I was adopted when I was about 10 and my mother told me never to tell anyone I knew. I had a horrible childhood. My father beat my older brother and I and my mother was absolutely horrible. I always felt like I didn't belong and things just never felt right for me. Now I am 32 and have 5 kids of my own and my mother is now trying to make amends. I find it gets worse as I am getting older and I wonder what I should do to feel some close to normal ever again. Sounds like you are making the right step forward seeking counselling. Good luck.

Answer 2

Issues?  Hmm. My parents have 4 kids,  Two adopted, two bio.  The older ones are adopted.

There were really 2 sets of kids in the family--two classes.  There were different rules, different expectations, different disciplines (e.g. only my adopted brother and I were physically abused) for each set.  I used to get so angry, and point out the unfairness of it, to no avail.

I'm so far from all that.  I haven't lived with my aparents for 25 years.  But none of us are close.  I think of them as the people I was raised with, as opposed to brothers & a sister.

I really feel like the only child I really am.

ETA: Sounds like it's time for you to search...

Answer 3

Thank you for sharing this question! Since we have an adoption blended family I am interested in perspectives.

The one thing I can say is that I'm glad my youngest are the adopted kiddo's because they have 10 times better the life as my older kiddo's had! Which makes me feel a little better about how things might feel to all the kids.....

My older ones (bio) are at the age they are letting me know about all the ways I messed up. They did have a different life then my little ones (straight adoption of special needs siblings from foster care).

I was married to my ex for 14 years (an adopted person). We were 18 & 19 and eventually failed... 50% do. Lots of years of struggling and hardly making it....

I was remarried when my kids were 16 and 17 and our life is completely different--mature and stable. We adopted a few years later and have stability I could have never offered the older two. Of course, the older two do benefit NOW with my stability as much as the little ones do.

I only hope my kids all look back to believe and feel that I only ever did my very best to be the best mom I could be. But, I am also willing to accept responsibility when I make mistakes with my children--hopefully right on the spot but sometimes we don't even know we made a mistake until years later when our 20-something's let us know what they were really thinking or feeling.....

Sometimes it is impossible for a parent to read a kid's mind and if the child isn't open then we might completely miss the deeper meaning of a lot of things.... That is why nearly any parent with children (by any method) will tell you it is amazing to learn what a s***w-up we really were as parents---and we didn't even know it until our kids filled us in.....

I remember letting my parents know a few things too when I was a young adult.

So, I find myself doing my very best to listen and respond to my adult children with the right attitude. I don't want to be defensive as the feelings the share are theirs and where I can actually validate their feelings I would like to be right on it...

Some of it is BS and honeslty not the way things happened...but, I am not here to tell them their feelings and memories are in error...if that's what they think the only thing I can do is let them know that my memory and feelings about something were different and I just didn't see things they way they do.

....of course I also know my mom refuses to remember we had a yellow Ford Maveric and my brothers and I vividly remember it and I have a picture of all of us standing in front of it....but, mom will not budge......So I know I likely will be guilty of Not remembering important facts too......

seems normal.

***added*** It's possible that these might be normal feelings for you that might be true for any two siblings who have a different adult path? I have felt these kids of feelings for my siblings--or even friends who made a different choice than I made. My older two kids are closer to your age and they compair their lives and constantly tell me why the other one is messed up.... they are just different people who have made different choices.... My son judges his sister because my son is a conservative --uptight kind of guy and his sister has been living with her boyfriend for 5 years....My daughter feels unfairly judged and like a black sheep....

I am sure there are added issues you may connect with the fact you are adopted.... I don't minimize the possibility of that...but, I do think what you have shared so far could have been your feelings regardless of how your family was put together....