Adoptees Do you think this is related?

Question

Huh funny question that :( *related part I mean*

Anyway my question is if a friend or acquaintance or someone you meet rejects you for some reason, be it justified or not..be it immediate or later on down the track

1) do you keep going back for more, ie trying to prove yourself, defend yourself, say sorry, make up for past issues wrong or right, try to get back in their favour again ?

And then number

2) if you do , in fact do that, do you think that could be related to the fact that your Mother gave you up and you keep trying to go back to her even though she pushed you away right from when you were born

Question directed to adoptees that are in difficult reunions or have reunited and been rejected again.

Answer 1

If someone rejects me, I move on immediately.  I don't stick around for more rejection.  With my first mom, I have kept her somewhat at arms length so that if she does reject me, it won't hurt so much.

Answer 2

I am an adoptee who was in a difficult reunion.

The first part of your question, would I go back to a relationship in hopes of repairing it?  Of course, it does depend on what happened and its seriousness.  But, yes, I would at least have a conversation to identify and explain the source of difficulty.  Although I am usually willing to recognize my faults or misdeeds, I am usually unwilling to change much.  I think, in the hypothetical situation you present, that I would attempt to explain my actions/intentions, but not chance my ways.  That is in part due to the fact that I am an adult, and quite comfortable with who I am and how I behave.  

To answer the second part of your question:  Yes, I do think this is related to the fact that I was given away for adoption.  I do think that my psyche was imprinted with the initial betrayal (for lack of a better word) of my bmom.  I do believe that babies instinctively know their mothers.  Therefore it stands to reason that babies also know who is NOT their mother.  I have always been willing to believe that although I can change my own mind, I am completely unable to change other people's minds.  I recognized this belief in myself even in early childhood...a strangely mature philosophy for a child.  How did I come to that realization?  I don't know for sure...but I think it was the instinctual desire to be with my bmom that was never realized, a realization that I was on my own, and that I (as a baby) was unable to influence my initial situation.

Answer 3

I think your comment stating "my question is if a friend or acquaintance or someone you meet rejects you for some reason, be it justified or not.. be it immediate or later on down the track" is totally unrelated to the adoption issue.  

I believe how we deal with rejection depends on our innate personalities, and how we were raised, and has nothing to do with adoption.

cw

Answer 4

As an adopted child, I've grown to realize that I accept rejection much easier than most people.  It doesn't mean that I appreciate it, but I think I am prepared better.  I tend to give up easily, however, when I am rejected by someone.  

As far as actually meeting my birth mother, I did meet her when I was 18 years old, and it was a very positive experience.  However, there has been no contact since our meeting.  I sent 2 or 3 emails just to keep her updated on my life.  When I graduated college, I sent her a letter, and got no response.  When I got engaged, I sent a letter-no response.  I am disappointed that no relationship continued after our meeting, but I can understand that we have our own lives now.    

Unfortunately, it sounds like my take on rejection is a bit different than yours... but I give you a lot of credit for your "try again" attitude.  Like I said, I tend to give up too easily.  

Good luck; I don't know if hearing my point of view helps at all...

Answer 5

nope i dont go back..i dont like rejection and am more afraid of opening myself up too it so i dont make friends easy...i find people try and i push them away until i feel i trust them...thats just me

Answer 6

I normally do the rejecting before they can reject me.  Yes, it is related to adoption, the initial rejection and not wanting it to happen again.

Answer 7

I don't feel that one has much to do with the other.

Answer 8

No I can't say I do.  I generally do find closure if someone has rejected me, but I don't beat a dead horse about it... I think I am pretty "normal" on the moving on process.  I find out why I was rejected if the person is forthcoming with the information, accept it, learn from it, and move on.  

I have not been reunited with my birth family though.  I do know a couple adoptees that have and were rejected like you said, but I think the biggest mistake an adoptee can make is thinking that after all these years, it will be easy for their bio mom to accept them back with open arms.