Adoptees......Help!!?

Question

So my husband and I are going to be adopting through foster care. We want to have pictures of their mom/dad/whoever else and have them be welcome to be a part of their child's life as they want.

I keep reading things that say that adoptees hate the fact that they are adopted and wished their real mom would rescue them and so forth.

Can you please help me with any advice on how our adoptive kids would feel o.k. with the life they have?

Our main goal is to be 100% truthful. But not to shove it down their throats. I want them to feel secure and wanted.

Please help with knowing how to balance this????!!!!!!!!

Answer 1

please visit

http://www.informedadoptions.com/forum

http://www.adoptionthreads.com/forum

Actually listen to adoptees.  Validate their feelings and their experience.  No matter what tell the truth but tell it kindly.  Never I mean Never speak negatively about your child's parents.  Keep in mind that child is a part of those two parents.

Answer 2

being adopted, I think you should have all the information on the natural parents and when the child asks , give it to them. no matter how great life is, children do know or wonder, there is no resemblence, no pictures of you being pregnant, whatever. when you think it is time tell them and be truthful, they will only want to see their parent. but they will always love you

Answer 3

By the tone of your questions, I can tell you're on the right track.

Read everything by Betty Jean Lifton, Nancy Verrier, and from the sites other adoptees have mentioned.

Good luck!

Answer 4

As others have agreed, it sounds like you are on the right track.  I don't think that all adoptees hate the fact that they were adopted and want to be rescued. Would we have preferred not to be adopted? Probably, but we had no control over that, most of us were babies.  As far as the rescue theory, I think that can be the "Mom and Dad don't understand me" part of growing up, adopted kids just have that added factor that there is another family out there that they don't know. The unknown created the fantasy.  Most kids in foster care know their biological family and they know why they can't be with them.  My boyfriend was adopted out of foster care when he was around 13.  He had been placed in several different foster homes starting at age 10 and didn't want to be adopted.  I think that it is hard for a kid to really believe that something is permanent when they have been bounced around for so long.  Now, 20 + years later, he is very glad that he was adopted.  His family means the world to them and he feels closer to them everyday.  I think the key is to let the kids know that they are safe, make them feel comfortable and let them decide what things from their family they want to keep and/or display.  Let them grow into your family at their own pace.  It may take a while, but it sounds like you will provide the environment to make it happen.

Good luck!

Answer 5

Wow, it sounds like you are going to make a great adoptive parent

I'm not willing to bare my soul here due to the mocking, riducule, invalidation and general adoptee bashing that goes on here; but it seems you are on the right track.  I wish you luck and thanks so much for offering a child in foster care a home - they are the ones who really need it

Answer 6

Truth, from the beginning. I have been a blessed adoptee, i have the most amazing family(a) but I never ever felt different  , I looked  just like my mom(a) and I still have the most amazing daddy and 2  brothers I would do anything for. I recently found out I have a sister, and what a joy it is. We are 15 months apart and I want every bmom to know that they are the most respected, loved and bravest moms I know. Thank you to all bmoms , mine passed away, she knows I loved her. I am so upset when I read that they( adoptees) were never told. They will find out and and turn around and be so hurt by a lie. TRUTH WILL SET U FREE, R U EMABARRASSED THAT U HAVE ADOPTED A CHILD

Answer 7

Since you are adopting through foster care, something has already happened to cause these kids to be removed from their homes.  So the kids are aware of the problems within their original family and know there are specific reasons why they can't stay with their parents.  While this doesn't necessarily make it any easier, I think you are on the right track with making them feel "ok" with their adoption.

I'd suggest finding some blogs by other adults who were adopted out of foster care.  You'll want to educate yourself on the dynamics of these people's relationships, how they felt about being removed, how the related with their new adoptive parents, etc.  But all in alll, I really feel that by honoring their past and letting them have that connection (as long as their safety is ensured) is really all the more any kid could ask for.  They may have a hard time with it, sometimes, sure; but as long as you do your best to answer their questions and are always honest, I'm sure you will do just fine.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 8

Not all adoptees hate being adopted. Every adoptee reacts in their own way.  Feeling grateful for being adopted is no less valid than feeling a loss.  Adoptee's reaction are as different as the people themselves.  

My parents always reinforced how glad they were that we were part of their lives.  They were always willing to talk about our adoptions, and never were negative towards our birth parents.  That helped my brother and me but my sister always carried around a huge "pain" and "emptiness" that is  still with her.

So, like any kid, biologically related or not, there are no guarantees.  Love is a risk.  You sound like good people and it seems like a risk worth taking.

Answer 9

Sorry, i won't post my heart and soul on this forum regarding what worked and what I think didn't. I'm sticking with activism only. I would try "informedadoptions.org"

Answer 10

I believe the scope of your question is too large for this forum too, but I'd suggest you check out http://www.quantumparenting.com/ and Nancy Verrier for sure.

Educate yourself on the losses that come from being removed from family and raised by strangers.

Answer 11

Sounds alright to me. Having photos is brilliant I might add. i spent years searching the streets for people who might look like they might be my birth mum or dad. Stick them in your usual family album or frame them.

Be as open and honest as you can be and you will be great parents. Also acknowledge that adoption is a loss for the child, it's not all about celebrations. Just don't forget about the grief a child goes through when they are separated from their birth mother/father.

Answer 12

Sometimes not sharing everything isnt a bad thing...if you dont know alot about the birth parents and familys backround it is best to let it go. I HATED that my adoptive mum never told me anything about my family and even was mad at God...but when I was 18 I got to met some of my birth family...and let me tell you what...I thank GOD I was never raised or even allowed to contact them. You just have to look at "your" situation and think about what is best for your child....that is what matters....he/she may get mad or resent you a little but when they are older they will THANK you!

Answer 13

your intentions shine through. if you are honest and keep the attitude you have now, you will be just fine.

i dont hate being adopted, quite the contrary. i make a game of it. i have some 'unsavory' types in my adoptive family. i tell myself all the time "thank god i dont share a gene pool with them" i love them, dont get me wrong, but yikes!

and there are a few on my bio side i dont quite care for (sorry lori a, if you read this, but you know who i am speaking of)

in my mind i am not required to tolerate them.

it may sound awful, but it works. i always have had a rather twisted outlook on things, so maybe this is just me.

you will be fine. your concern and commitment to ensuring the truth is upheld will pave the way. congrats and good luck to your ever growing family