Adoptees - How did you learn the identity of your birthparents? Were you well received or not?

Question

I was rather disturbed by a show I was watching the other day (don't know the name of it). An adoptee found her birthmom. The birthmom is older now and has a *new* family. What disturbed me was that no one, not even her current husband knew of her giving up a baby for adoption. This birthmom felt it best to ignore the fact that she had this "previous life" and pretty much told the daughter she didn't want to bother her "new" family with this information. The b-mom basically told her daughter it was not her problem and to get out of her life. I watched this show in complete disbelief.

Have any of you had situations similar to this, or have your birthparents been happy to find you? Thanks for the answers!

Answer 1

I am one of the very rare ones who received contact denial. I start my answer that way because I don't want to scare anyone away from searching.

I searched for my mother for many years, and finally found her with the help of a private investigator, as mine was a closed, no-agency, gray market adoption in a closed records state.

I sent her a very neutral letter, being careful to be discreet, so that if anyone other than her saw the letter, they'd think perhaps I was an old high school girlfriend trying to get back in touch. I just mentioned that I hadn't seen her since.... and I put my birthdate in there. I also mentioned that I had been searching for her for many years and hoped she would want to be in touch. I never heard back from her.

Two months later I called her. When she answered the phone she told me first I had the wrong number. When I pressed a little (really? this is the number in the phone book?) she finally said she had 'moved away', but I do know it was her on the phone.

I'm not going to press the issue. It feels devastating and cruel what she did, but I also understand a great deal about the climate and era under which I was born. Reading 'The Girls Who Went Away' by Anne Fessler helped me a lot, as well as this article:

http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_fa...

I don't regret for a minute searching, even after being denied. I have:

- my original name

- my maternal family tree

- the truth about my origins

- the knowledge that my mother is alive and well

- and always, the hope that someday she'll change her mind and call or write to me.

Answer 2

I'm adopted.  I'm pretty down to earth and practical about it.  People always ask me the usual questions like: do you ever want to find your birth parents?  I figure, if my birth parents put me up for adoption, it's because they wanted a better life for me than the could have given me at that time, and if they want to find me, they'll find a way, and God will light that path if it's His will.  I've told people this ever since I was little and could understand what being adopted meant.  

Lol, funny thing happened this weekend.  I received a letter from the adoption agency.  My birthmother contacted them for the past several years, wants to know how I'm doing, and has even written a letter to me with pictures attached.  I think it's great that she found me.  But at the same time, I'm taking this with a grain of salt.  Lol, she might be asking for money, perhaps she wants me back.  Who knows...

I'm adopted, I have parents and family that loves me and treats me as if I came from them.  I couldn't ask for another family.  So if I finally meet her, I would never trade.  I would consider her an extended part of my family or perhaps just a friend....  But time wil tell, depending on what the outcome is.  

But overall, my best advice- birthparents should be the ones looking for their children, not the other way around.

Answer 3

I am not personally adopted, but my husband was. He had a closed adoption, but his adoptive parents had a lot of information on his birth mother. Her SSN, date of birth, number of children, etc. They were in the military, as his birth mother was and I believe that was part of the reason why he had a lot of info. And because he was born in Germany, his birth mother was located at a base there, my husband ended up with a dual citizenship, and the German government was willing to give more information than they probably should. My husband just found is birth mother, after the fact that his adoptive mother had contacted her with out his knowledge. She hasn't responded to the e-mail that my husband sent her. She had told his adoptive mother that she gave up her rights and what not. But my husband wants her to tell him that she wants no contact instead of someone else...

Answer 4

I searched for my bio family since the start of the internet. I was always afraid that my mother of almost 16 would just pretend I didn't exist and that I would disrupt her life if I found her.

Happily, my half sister did "discover" she had a sister and is in communication with me.

I think if I had a child given up for adoption while still in high school, it would be tempting to keep it all to myself.

Answer 5

from the flip side --

My parents actually had the OBC which i found when i was 14/15 or so but it didn't pique my interests at all.  didn't know, didn't care.

Go to the doctor often and give the same answer when it comes to medical history . . he/she said "that's fine, if anything comes up, we'll just run some tests but otherwise try to live healthy" . . .still no interest to search.

my daughter was born when i was 19 .. .still no interest to search.

Dad died when i was 22 and mom died when i was 24.  Still no interest to search.

when i was 30, i received a blank envelope with a letter in it from an agency that had nothing to do with my adoption.   they wanted contact . . oh, you bet i gave it to them . . i called the agency and used some extremely colorful language to say NO; hung up, took a breath and called her again and kept up my tirade.

they didn't get the hint and i was contacted every week asking if i had changed my mind.  eventually you'll give in because all they want to do is talk to you to know how you turned out, right??

that was 8 years ago...it's been a difficult road with long periods of no contact.  I wasn't too happy with the intrusion (should only use mutual registries to ensure that both want contact before turning someone's life upside down).

The subject mom that you brought up has her right to go on with her life.  I don't think she did anything wrong.  If she doesn't want contact, why should she be coerced into it?  not all birthmoms want contact nor do all adoptees and it is unrealistic to expect that we should all want that or have a need to heal.  Some of us grow up quite happy with a sense of whole being and nothing to 'heal' from; some birthmoms continue with their lives knowing they made a great, albeit painful, decision; they know they would not have the education or life they have now nor would their relinquished son/daughter.

it's not fair to expect that everyone wants reunion and that one has to do it because the other side wants it.  She is entitled to her privacy and the ability to say NO and those wishes should be honoured.

ETA:  lol, two people edited their posts to respond to me....standard answer -- must have issues  lol oh my, did it ever occur to you that not everyone is NEEDY and must HEAL?  jeez, you don't hear guys whining about getting circumcized when they were born!!!  i just get so tired of hearing the b.s. that a piece of paper will make you whole and my rights supercede everyone else's and they don't deserve privacy and anyone who wants privacy has issues.

geeeeeeeeez, take a moment to think that not everyone wants to have someone intrude on their lives.  most adoptees are happy with their lives - you just don't see them here on the boards because they haven't defined their lives by it (or been hunted down yet which is what led me to these boards).  It wasn't the adoption that got me, it was the invasion of my privacy that i feel i'm entitled to.

Answer 6

I remarried when I was 36.  My new husband was the one who prompted me to search.  He didn't think it made any sense at all that family members should remain separated just because they didn't raise me.  He's not adopted, nor is he a father who relinquished, nor is a an AP.  The world of adoption was all new to him.  

A friend of mine read a newspaper article about a woman who had found her nfamily via a searcher in California.  I called him, and within an hour, he had names.  It then took about 6 months to locate them.

I was relinquished at 13 months old.  When I reunited with my natural family, my nmother had already passed away.  Her mother also had passed away, but I have a good relationship with my ngrandfather on my nmom's side.  He was excited to have me in his life and we have a good relationship.

My nfather had told his wife within the first week of dating her that he had a daughter who was adopted out.  Since he had been looking for me for many years, I was whole heartedly received back into the family.  The extended family was very happy to have me back in their lives.  My ngrandmother on this side of the family told me the one thing she wanted before she died was to have all of her grandchildren together, and now that has happened.  I have a great relationship with my whole nfamily on my ndad's side.

eta:

Why do just a few (DEFINITELY NOT ALL) of the people who claim to be content go off so easily?  Oh, ya, just because s/he had an experience s/he didn't like, everyone should live according to the rules s/he would to have in place for him/herself.  It's not right to advocate denying all people opportunities and their own rights just because you don't like your own experience.  Thank you.

Answer 7

I searched & found in 1983.  I found a 1/2 sister first. I was very mindful of the fact that y birth mother's family may not know about me. I didn't want to disrupt anyones life or upset my birth mom's life.  As it turned out, EVERYONE knew about me and were waiting - hoping that I'd find them.  My birth mother wanted to find me but didn't look for fear of disrupting MY life. She felt guilty for giving me up (tho she really had no choice) & thought she had no right to search for me.  

According to some statistics I've read, about 2% of birth moms do not want contact.  98% DO!  When her current family doesn't know about her relinquished child, a birth mother may continue contact without letting her family know. I, myself, would respect my birth mother's wish to keep our contact private if faced with this situation.  I would rather have some limited contact with her than no contact at all.  

I went into my search expecting to have a door closed in my face. I prepared myself emotionally for that possibility. I told myself that if that happened, it would be because my birth mother was closing the door on her own painful past & not on me personally. How can she close a door on me if she didn't know me?

Human beings do ALL KINDS of crazy things to avoid feeling PAIN.  I truly believe that we need to develop a deep sense of empathy for what our birth mothers must have gone through. How difficult it must me to give up a child! I can only imagine after having my own children.  

And yes, the emotions surrounding adoption & reunion are profound, life changing, complex and sometimes messy.  It's the BEST THING I've EVER done for myself.  Both birth parents have since passed away. I'm so glad I didn't wait.

Mary Jo Rillera, adoptee, birth mother & author of The Adoption Searchbook once said that you have to give up on yourself before you can give up your child.  

Read "The Girls Who Went Away"

http://www.thegirlswhowentaway.com/

I agree with red&sassy - the movie you saw is probably propaganda.

Answer 8

d**n reality shows!  What attempt did the producers make to put this one situation in perspective with all the others?  To show how one incident is/is not indicative of the prevailing statistics?  Despite extensive reading and study, I have never seen below 97% for the bmoms that WANT contact!

Mine was a closed adoption.  I had a few scant details (height, weight, hair/eye color, etc.).  I was born and adopted in Colorado, where they have a Confidential Intermediary (CI) Program.  I petitioned the courts to have my records unsealed.  The judge approved the petition and assigned my case to a CI.  I had to send in some forms and stuff to the CI.  I sent everything to the CI certified with return receipt.  Actually my CI had the files opened and had located my bparents (amazing what you can find when you have a court order!) before I received the return receipt back in the mail!  It took...oh, maybe a few days to a week?  But the CI had access to informational data bases, again with the permission of the courts, that the normal, typical person cannot access...or at least, that is how I understand it.  (For instance, the CI could find/search SS#'s, use that info for the search...but could not reveal that info to me.)  

My bparents were married at the time of my birth.  The cover story they told was that I had died at birth.  Instead of leaving it at that, they have repeatedly and continuously dragged out the false story of the baby that died (me!) to exact sympathy from their family and to scare the other pregnant wives in the family (You better be careful or you could lose your baby like we lost ours.)  So, they really milked the story for all that it was worth...gazillions of lies and some very recent lies, at that.  So, when they were found...eh...they were not thrilled.  They were still married all these years later.  Bmom refused contact.  I respect her decision and have never attempted to contact her again.  Bdad did agree to contact.  It took me a while to figure it out, but his contact was simply an attempt to keep me away from other family members.  He even asked me to sign a document relinquishing my right to search for other family members, naming him as my only point of contact.  Luckily I was well-informed enough of my rights to refuse.  We had phone and mail contact for about six months.  I finally decided that I wanted to contact my full-blood sibling (who the CI had discovered and bdad NEVER mentioned).  As soon as I contacted my sibling, bdad angrily quit his contact with me.  

My sibling told me of a life-long wish to have a brother or a sister...just never figured it would be like this.  Once one person in a family knows a secret...well, it travels through the family like wildfire.  I had contact with a grandmother (now passed away--I really think she was waiting for me), aunts/uncles, and many cousins.  This extended family has been the unexpected boon of my search.  Many of this family had truly mourned me as dead, some were too young to have heard the stories; but all welcomed me to the family with open hearts and open arms.  

Frankly, I am so well-adjusted to my adoption it was a complete surprise and great sadness to discover my bparents so unresolved about it.  I had always assumed that since my adoption was THEIR decision, they certainly must be comfortable with it.  Other family has told me that bmom refused contact because she is ashamed and is afraid that I hate her.  Some day she will have to find the strength to forgive herself, since she is the only one who can do that.  I do believe that other family members also have the right to agree or disagree to contact with me.  It is a shame that new relationships can only be born at the death of bmom's secret.  One's loss is another's gain--sadly that concept is inherent and organic to the whole issue of adoption.  Many bfamily members have sworn that they would have searched for me, never agreed to my relinquishment if they had known the truth.

Answer 9

I found my firstmom a year ago on adoption.com.  we had bothe registered there years ago but did not find each other because she was off on my birthday by one day.  I just happened to look at the entire month i was born and found her.  She had been passively searching for me for years.  We had both registered on several registries including Soundex which is the biggest one but were not matched because of the birthday discrepancy.

She was elated to be found and welcomed me happily.

Sadly, my biological father died several years ago.  His family has not been thrilled to find me.  One of his two daughters was unaware that I even existed.  His parents had pushed my firstmom to terminate her pregnancy and have sent the message that while they are glad I am alive and happy, they want no contact.

It has been strange and unnerving to be treated like the long lost daughter on one side and a criminal on the other side when actually I feel like neither.

Reading the book "The Girls Who Went Away" by Ann Fessler has helped me to get some perspective on what some women who relinquish actually go through.  Many of them in the 50's, 60's and 70's were placed in maternity homes against their will by their parents and were forced to relinquish and directed to never speak of their children again.  I think that does something to a person psychologically.  And while the book did not reflect my own firstmother's experience, it was eyeopening all the same.

Answer 10

You saw one woman react that way. As a first mom, I would love to see my daughter. I think what you saw was propaganda put out by someone who doesn't want adoptees searching for their natural family. That's ridiculous. I'd like to know who produced the show and if they have any involvement with the adoption lobbyist. I know it can happen, but it's VERY far and few between.

Answer 11

Yeah actual you probably see a lot of stories like that. I was browsing adoption.com forums and there is a poster that recently found her birthmother anyway no one even knows about her not even her birthsibling. The birthmother said she would provide medical and heritage information but that was all.  That she had no plans of telling her family or all children about this girl. The birthchild did not take it well though apparently she is going to try and contact this birthsibling herself but who knows what the fall out of that will be.

I do agree that this story is a bit harsh the birthmother could have at least agreed to provide medical information. Beyond that if she does not want to have contact with her birthchild she has that right. Not all people want contact. I read a story of a woman who actual got stalked by her “birthmother” I put it in quotes because she wasn’t even positive that this woman was her birthmother she never saw any resemblance not even if family photos she was shown. She said she never got a dna test done because if it was confirmed she would feel she had to put up with this woman forever.  

I have my birthmothers name in my adoption file so i guess i could try and search for her if i wanted to, but i just truly have no desire, not sure how i would react if she tried to contact me.

Answer 12

My mother had read my birth mothers name upside down when she signed my adoption papers.  She went home and saved the name in a special box until I was 18.  After my 2nd child I began thinking differently, thinking about what my birth mother was missing not seeing our beautiful children.  What if she wanted to see them? My husband and I knew how old my birth mother was and had her last name and part of her first.  We went to birthdatabase.com and a ladies name came up living just a little over an hour away from where we lived.  It was too crazy and I didn't really know if I wanted to even make contact with her.  I was more interested in just seeing what she looked like.  That's really all I wanted.  If I saw her I wouldn't even know what to talk about since she had missed so much.  I wanted it to go slow so as not to shatter the angel-like picture I had in my head all of these  years as a child.  She was on a pedestal for some reason to me and I didn't want that dream to go away.  After a lot of pressure from family and friends I wrote to her.  Sent her a letter that said that I thought we may have met on such and such  date, gave my birth date and told her Thank you, because if she was the special lady I was thinking she is that I was just grateful for her unselfish act of love.  I left my return address in case she wanted to write me back.  No phone numbers and I didn't want to say so much that if no one knew about me in her family, I wouldn't jeapordize her life and I respected that. A week or so passed and I finally received a letter.  It sounded like she was happy, but very curious how I had found her.  After a few weeks our letters just began to flow and it was so easy to write to her.  There were so many things that I found myself wanting to tell her.  We were writing up to twice a week.  I still wasn't ready to meet her, though.  One afternoon there was a knock on our door.  The house was a wreck, my 2 year old son was sick and I had no make-up on.  It was a nightmare and it crushed me when I opened the door and she said she was my birthmother and by the way her daughter was with her.  I was in such a panic because I had dreamed of the day, losing a few pounds, being all done up and carrying flowers to meet her and here she was.  My son puked on the floor right in front of her and she kept leaving the room crying with her daughter.  It was so awkward and I was so embarrassed of myself and that the house wasn't cleaned up that I felt like it wasn't fair first shot for me.  My first special moment with her was blown.  When she left she hugged me and told me that she had not told many of the people in her family and had just told her sons so everything was still a shock to everyone.  She told me that she would love to have my husband and I come up for cookouts one day or out for dinner and then they left.  Her twice a week letters never came and I didn't hear from her for about a month and when I did, her letter was completely cold.  That was it.  I still send a Christmas card every year, nothing else, so as not to bother her. I don' here anything anymore.  It was the first time in my entire adopted life that I felt rejected.  Isnt that silly.  I always felt lucky and so grateful, and I still am, but it was almost like she met me and disapproved and I took it personally.

Sorry so long..... I think I just needed to write it down, I never have.

Answer 13

i found my bmother through the adoption registry. and i was welcomed not only with open arms but a warm heart. she is fantastic. she never hid my existence from anyone. yes, she took alot of heat for it, but she knew what she did was right.

we found my biofather a couple of months through classmates.com. again-lucky me-he thought it was the greatest thing that we found him. he did not tell anyone. i mean ANYONE. his mother and rest of the family was clueless. imagine their surprise! he has been a bachlor with no children for his whole life, suddenly "surprise! its a 35 year old girl!"

i am very lucky. i couldnt ask for anything better. i was loved when i was put up for adoption and i was loved my whole life, by my parents and my biofamily. i have always felt like the outsider, and i was, only because of my personality. i was the exact opposite of my family, (they think im nuts! hehe!) but come to find out my dna made up my personality.

all those years of feeling like i was alone when i was so supported by so many, what a waste of my energy. i only wish i could share some of my good fortune with others that dont have such a happy ending

Answer 14

Only two people in my nmother's family knew about me. To this day, no one else knows about me. Not her first or current husband, her two raised kids, 10 of her eleven siblings NO ONE. I have chosen to respect her privacy. We do have phone contact. I feel very sorry for her. Keeping me a secret  must be a huge burden. On the flip side, my ndad has been very welcoming and we have a great relationship.

Answer 15

You say she felt it best to "ignore" the past. Are you absolutely sure this was "ignoring" and not "denying"? Denial is a common and expected response to traumatic loss.   You can't live with the pain, so you bury it.

I was in denial for the first years after I lost my oldest to forced adoption.  I made a point of telling my husband about it when he asked me to marry him, but that was almost ten years after the adoption..   I don't think either of us really grasped how much pain I was actually in, and how much more painful it would become as I aged.  At that point I  would speak with people about the adoption but I had not yet allowed myself to be in touch with the pain of it.   I was still burying the pain.  So, I was dealing with the adoption with my head, but not my heart. After twenty years of repression, the pain broke through and I became suicidally depressed.   (The pain gets worse with time, not better, as the losses pile up during the course of a life - you miss everything from the first tooth to the birth of your grandchildren.  It's a little like compound interest - the losses just keep on adding up.)

Where adoption loss is concerned, some women face it head on (eventually) and others continue  to keep it buried.

Answer 16

This is one of the things every adoptee in search must fear.  I know I was afraid of this response.

My first mom, though, accepted me with open arms.  I went through the agency that handled my adoption.  I had to pay several hundred dollars to have someone find her, and then a lot of waivers had to be signed by all sides.  Finally, though, it paid off when I learned from where and from whom I came.

Her family knew about me.  I'm still not exactly sure how they feel about me, though.  But my mom loves me and has accepted me unconditionally.  (She had even tried to look for me herself, but was discouraged by a social worker.)

I know that reunions don't always go so well, so I'm very happy mine has gone as well as it has.  It's impossible to make up for lost time, but at least I found another piece of who I am.

Edited to Add:  Incidentally, people who aren't interested in contact should be able to say "no."  On the "flip" side, people who react violently when contact is attempted, probably have some unresolved issues.

Answer 17

I'm a birthmom who lived the lie for 30 years. Only a handfull of people knew I was pregnant, my boyfriend (who is now my husband), his parents, my mom and my sister. When I found my bdaughter (I looked) I had to confess, it was difficult, to tell my dad and my best friend. My inlaws were not happy that I found her because then they had to confess their part in the lie. My son was 23 when he found out he had a full blooded sister and he was pretty mad to have been part of the lie. That was back in 2001, my bdaughter just turned 36, we have a friendship. It was extremely difficult to live the lie. It made me physically ill and emotionally unstable. Counseling has helped both of us.