Adoptees: How do you GIVE love, without taking?

Question

I was reading a message board a few minutes ago where the discussion usually focuses on parents with troubled children. One poster said something to the effect that you have to be very careful to give children affection on THEIR terms. She stated that whenever her own mother hugs her, she feels as though her mother is "taking" affection, not giving it. I.e., the hug is intended to soothe the mother's needs, not give the child the affection she might need. I hope that makes sense. I relate to this, too. I don't feel that my mom hugs me because she has anything to give - it's all about her (and it's usually out of a desire to look good to my dad - "see, I love the little brat!").

So, my question is, especially with an adoptee, what are some good ways to GIVE love, and make it KNOWN that the purpose is GIVING love, while making it clear that I don't expect anything in return?

Answer 1

Heya

I ask first. "Sweetie do you want a hug?"

If they say no, I tell them okay and that I am here to give them one when they want it.

My son has an attachment disorder and this is what we had to do for the first year.

Sometimes I hug my kids because I want a hug, and sometimes they hug me because they want a hug.

Sometimes I hug them because they need a hug and vice versa. To me that is what a family does. They hug for various reasons.

Answer 2

How about honestly going above and beyond to make sure that the adoptee wasn't kidnapped from their mother or to make sure she wasn't lied to or coerced into placing them up for adoption.  If the adopting parent finds out they were, they can prove their love by letting them go back to their mothers.

If they find out that the adoptee was born because another child was taken advantage of to supply the demand for babies, they do everything they can to stand up for the rights of children in that country, even if it costs them a fortune.

Answer 3

To be short and simple.

It is real easy to give love but the thing is we should not be taking it for granted.  It is up to each individual.  To me as a mum, when a mother is hugging her child(foster,adopted or own) it is for her own reassurance that she loves you very much.  No strings attached and it is unconditional. You do not have to repricocate it back.  Hope it helps you a bit.  Sorry I couldn't be of more help

Answer 4

I think the most important thing is for someone who is giving love to know how the person is receiving it...

I read a cheesy book a few years ago called the "5 Languages of Love" which highlighted 5 different ways that people recieve love, and it is like language...so if we aren't speaking the same language, miscommunication ensues!

For example...my dad is a hugger...arms around me, hand on shoulder, yada yada...this is how he naturally recieves love, so he tries to give love the same way...which DOES NOT work for me. I receive love best by spending time with people and talking. If you can make time for a 3 hour cup of coffee I will feel completely loved and cherished. If you put your hand on my shoulder I feel disrespected (unless it's my honey, but even then, when I'm feeling upset I do not receive love through touch).

I think the 5 languages are:

touch

gifts

acts of service (like doing the dishes for me)

words of encouragement

quality time

So I think with it's important to know how best someone receives love and then give them love that way, rather than trying to force love in a different way.

Answer 5

Oh my gosh, I totally understand this.  My amom has always hugged me when it's good for her, to show that she is a loving mother (especially in front of others) but I never get a sense that it's out of real affection.  

I don't know how you can make it be a giving gesture except that it's really coming from your heart.  I think if the emotion is behind it, then the child will feel it.  In my case, I know that my amother and I never bonded.  She tells me I was resistant from the beginning.  She never used those words, but her description of my behavior for the first months after they brought me home, describes a baby that was really pissed off and unhappy and not willing (able?) to relax or accept love.  

I honestly think that she must have been hurt and took it personally that I wouldn't just bond with her right away.  I'm sure that I just didn't freaking trust her.  I had been taken from my first mom, then lived with a foster family for three months and then taken from them.  I don't think I ever got over the feelings of mistrust.  Also, growing up, my amom did (and still does) bend the truth and lied to me by omission and by re-writing history, which hasn't helped me at all to trust her.  I think children sense when you're being less than honest, especially with your emotions, as was her case.

So I guess the only advice I can give is to be patient and not take it personally if the child needs a lot of reassurance, and to be super strait-forward and trustworthy.  I guess what I'm saying is to be real, not fake.  Always be yourself, don't pretend anything you don't really feel.  Oh, and don't be afraid to admit that you don't have the answers to everything all the time...my amom will never say she's sorry or admit she doesn't have all the answers...it makes me crazy!

Lol, sorry, Gaia, I know your question isn't about me and my amom, but I give you my personal experience  because that's all I know.  I sure you won't have a problem with being real and loving...you are going to do a great job of that, I'm sure.  :  )

Answer 6

I do know that it's a sign of attachment disorder for a child to be able to only receive affection on his or her own terms.  For instance, if you tell a typical young child, "Give Mommy a kiss 'night 'night." they will come running and give a kiss.  An attachment disordered child won't.  Of course, this is AFTER the adjustment period.  It wouldn't be normal for any child to be wanting affection from people who are still strangers, that would show indiscriminate affection, which is a bad sign in itself.  

I would say, follow your child's clues.  You want to be warm and affectionate and loving, but don't force unwanted physical affection if it's not wanted.  If after awhile, you notice signs of attachment problems, that's a time to get professional help.  It's much better to deal with attachment issues early on.  

The best thing you can do for attachment for a child newly entering your family who has had some trauma is to make their world small and predictable and safe.  Not a lot of going out, having visitors, etc. for awhile.  Be very consistent with clear boundaries, but obviously no harsh punishment.  

I think I'm being long winded and got a little off topic, and you probably know these things anyway.  Hey, any news?

Answer 7

Hmmm, I think as adoptive parents we can all overthink things to the point of being a detriment rather than being supportive the way you obviously intended.

I could see having to tread differently when raising children with attachment issues or abused children who perhaps received the "wrong kind of affection", I am just not sure what the best way would be. Do you ask "Do you want a hug?" or say "If you want a hug all you have to do is ask?" Well this seems forced to me and I would think that children with these issues would just put up a barrier and say they don't want a hug even though they clearly crave it.

I believe that "making it clear I don't want anything in return" comes from trust. Once your child learns to trust you, I would hope that the selfless hugs you give will be received with the intent that was meant.

Answer 8

My husband is the most genuine person I know, and I (playfully) slapped him the first time he told me he loved me. I was rebounding out of an emotionally abusive relationship, and that was one of the techniques my abuser used on me, and it scared me.

These kids we're adopting from the foster care system..heck....my son who was in his bio parents' care for only three weeks...went through a lot more abuse than I can even imagine. It's going to take the older kids especially time to learn to trust. You need to show them love in other ways, whether it's remembering to buy their favorite chips/candy bar/obnoxiously sweet sugar cereal at the grocery store or some other small token; (Susie likes horses and it's her one-month anniversary of being with you. How about a beanie-baby sized horse? Or a trip to the local stable?) remembering  a special day,  nurture their interests, or just being there and not giving up on them, that's going to mean a lot more than a hug that feels fake or a premature "I love you."  Maybe let them know that hugs are available if they want them.  

I think time and patience though are the most important things you can give an older adopted child.

Answer 9

well this isnt easily answered... its more of how you go about doing it.... be genuine... usually tell the person something nice and then hug them... like "i love you" or "im so proud of you" ... something to that extent.... i am adopted and my parents let me know they love me every day -  i am a 22 year old male and i hug my parents and tell them i love them in front of anyone -- because i FEEL that way... so ask yourself.. do you FEEL that way or are you doing it because you think you SHOULD?  ... there is a big difference and most people can see that.  I hope this helps and you understand what i said... thank you for your time!

Answer 10

I agree BW.  I think people, especially children, can tell if a hug, or an "I love you" is sincere, or not.