Adoptees: How will my family affect my kids?

Question

Another poster's question got me to thinking. I know that it can be very hard on adoptees when they are not accepted as part of the family. I don't think my family will have any issue with my children BECAUSE they are adoptees, but I know that they won't be accepted as part of the family because I'M not accepted as part of the family.

We have some crazy family dynamics, a lot of abuse and addiction issues. I've distanced myself from my family emotionally, but they took it to the next level, and I'm basically kept on the outskirts of everything. I'm not invited to family functions, and I only see my parents maybe once a year for a short day visit.

This can be a good thing, considering the above mentioned family issues that I don't want my children to have to see. It's also a good thing because I don't want my children to be rejected like I was. But I wonder how this will affect them, or if it will affect them. They'll never know what they're missing...or will they?

Answer 1

I'm not entirely sure how to answer this other than using my own experience. When I was adopted, my fathers parents didnt want anything to do with me at first. They are very old fashioned and it was a no go area for them. I wasnt blood, I couldnt really carry any name etc. My parents handled it the best way they could, they just let them get on with it. I didnt miss out on much though, I had anouther set of granparents who adored the ground I walked on and still do to this day.

I think the best thing for you and your adopted children, is to just get on with it. They either except them or they dont.

Its sad, but what else can you do. You have to make the desisions, as they are your kids, and you know what is best for them as far as your family are concerned.

Answer 2

Dear Gaia,

I have a somewhat dysfunctional family too.   My children are not rejected by them, but there are subtle differences in the way my daughters are treated, as compared to their cousins.

What I have done over the years is to "build" our own family, from other very dear and supportive people in our lives.  Some are other adoptive families, others are neighbors and friends who truly appreciate my kids for the wonderful and special people they are.

I always tell my daughters that we CAN choose the people we consider "family," and that it's not always about blood relationships.   This serves two purposes......it gives them the support they need from people who are close to them but not necessarily related;  and it also enables them to understand that blood, in itself, does not make a family.  The family we choose is as "real" as the family we're born into.

Answer 3

I think keeping them away from anyone that could be potentially harmful is the way to go.

Sometimes you won't always be able to know everything that goes on or that is said - but if you try to maintain a really open dialogue with your kids - letting them know that if anyone EVER disses them about their place in your family - then you want to know about it - and you WILL listen - and take their side.

I had a cousin that always introduced me as the 'adopted one' - and it irritated the sh*t out of me - in fact - it was really painful when I was little.

My a-parents had no open dialogue about my adoption status - so I felt I could never voice my woes - so kept quiet.

Keep it real - don't keep secrets - let your child know about the weird relatives that you keep clear of & the reasons why (age appropriate) - let your child always know that you will stick up for them no matter what - and together your family will be strong.

(I think you'll be an awesome mum - oops - mom!!)

Answer 4

i guess it's better to do what you are doing.  I would rather them not the family then to see the family be mean to you in front of the kids.  If they decide to see family when the get older then let them.

Answer 5

why would you expose your kids to something that you distance yourself? And they don't miss that they don't have.....There is no dearth of old people who would love to get adopted. I mean you can find a nice old couple who you like and then give i say it again give as much as you can to get love from this grandparents of choice!

My kids have adopted a pair of grand=parents. All we want to do with them is give them!

Answer 6

I am in sort of the same situation... The way I view it is that I am saving my children from that sort of pain.   They can visit once a year or so and know that they HAVE the family... so they can still feel the love... just not the rejection or stress with family related issues.

Sounds like you are doing a great job as a parent!