Adoptees IRL do you feel like you are not able to express your true feelings about adoption?

Question

Do you feel like people don't want to hear about your pain and loss?

Does it seem like if you express how you feel that you are somehow hurting or betraying either one set of parents or the other?

Thank You for your input:)

Answer 1

I don't go around talking about adoption IRL, in fact, it rarely comes up at all.   If it does, most people are pretty intrigued.

I don't think most adoptees, regardless of how they feel about their adoption, go around talking about their pain and loss, or happiness  to random people.  Honestly, some  make it sound as if we talk about this in the grocery store line.

I usually only talk about ANY deep feelings (not just adoption-related) to those absolutely the closest to me IRL. Those people are usually more than open to hear what's on my mind.

Now whether or not they REALLY understand?  That's something different.  I'm happy if they at least try because I know it is really hard to understand what being adopted is like.

Answer 2

I actually enjoy talking about being in the foster care program and being adopted. I am actually in the process of writing a autobiography. I also am always more than willing to go up in front of crowds and tell it to people.

Answer 3

I'm not one to talk about feelings anyway.  It's just not how I operate.  

I'm much more likely to discuss the legal aspects.  Most people don't know about sealed records, the lack of legal recourse for first parents in open adoptions that are closed on them, the women who have experienced undue pressure, the women who were blindfolded and drugged when they gave birth, the women who were told their newborns were dead when instead, they were placed for adoption.  

It's a real eye-opener for some.  Most just don't want to believe it, though.

Answer 4

Nope.  I don't have any problems.  Most likely because I don't feel any pain and loss so nobody has to listen to me express how I feel or that I am hurting or betrayed.  

Mind you, people may get tired of hearing me say how much I hate it when people make assumptions that just because I'm adopted I MUST be feeling some sort of loss or betrayal.  Believe it or not, not all of us feel that way and many of us are quite content with the way our lives have turned out.  

Answer 5

Yes, I think there are some people that don't want to hear it.  That does not stop me from stating how I feel.  I don't have 'sad' stories from my personal experience but in regards to overall adoption I remind certain individuals that have their priorities confused in the adoption process.  

For the most part people I've ran into are very cautious how they ask me about my feelings on being adopted.  I get more frustrated with individuals who are talking about other people adopting and how ignorant they come off when the discussion focuses more on the AP's rather than the child's best interest.

Answer 6

It took me some twenty years to explain to my adoptive mother that it was not a blessing, before she finally understood and stopped being defensive about it. Other than that, I've only had two negative experiences, none of them in real life. One was on adoption.con, where I was banned and the other was recently on alt.adoption, where a friend of mine was more or less virtually lynched for announcing  a new website she had made about abuse in adoptive families. A couple of adoptees found that the theme of that website would be stigmatizing. When I spoke in her defense, I received a serious cyber-beating. So my worst experiences so far have been within the internet adoption community. Outside of it I have personally never experienced any opposition to stories of loss and pain, though of course no-one wants to hear endless laments. There is a time and a place for things.

Answer 7

I find most people don't want to hear anything negative about adoption.  I don't talk about MY feelings (about anything) much.  But even talking about the complexities of adoption starts arguments.  I haven't met anyone (outside of one or two very, very close friends) who want to hear anything bad about adoption.

Answer 8

There was a time when I could have answered YES to your question. Not to long ago. I've become more vocal with my positions and feelings, and am comfortable talking about those feelings with others now. And you know what, everyone is listening and validating them. Its...c.r.a.z.y.

I just want to sit right here for a while and inhale the essence of being heard.

Feelings are natural, I can't help the way I feel. My feelings may change over time, but this is how I feel now, and these feelings aren't a betrayal of anyone, they are mine, and have a right to be heard.

Answer 9

I actually have the opposite problem.  Most people I talk to expect me to have be sad about it or angry, when really I am glad I was put up for adoption.  Even my adoptive parents feel there is something more to the way I am feeling then there is.  I did have abandonment problems, but they were more subconscius then anything, and I have worked through them very successfully (YAY.... it wasn't easy lol!).  It is almost like people WANT to hear about tragedies and hardships, and I just can't offer them that with my personal story.

Edit:  P.S.  I can see how some kids would feel  like they couldnt be sad about it.  It seems a lot of people feel that adoptive parents are "saving" these children from some horrible fate, and the kids should be grateful instead of feeling loss.  That just ticks me off!!!  Kids have a right to feel however they do, good or bad, even if it doesn't make sense to other people.

Answer 10

absolutely didn't (and still don't to an extent) feel like I could express my true feelings....not only to other people, but also to myself...I stuffed it down a lot, but finally it's been surfacing and it feels good to to be honest to myself and to others...