Adoptees Only: If you could have made your bio-moms decision for her, what would you have chosen?

Question

For her to have kept you, given you up for adoption as she did, or aborted you, and why?

Answer 1

Knowing what I know now, I would have made the same decision. I was adopted as a baby and it has been a positive experience for me as well. I was adopted by two wonderful, loving parents (who I don't tell often enough how much I appreciate everything they've done for me, and continue to do for me).

But, if I put myself in her shoes, at the time, with no knowledge of how the future would turn out...I don't know. I can only imagine that it's a heart-wrenching decision. That's why I have the utmost respect for any woman that is able to love their baby enough to place it for adoption if they feel it's best. I'm glad that my bio mom did what she did for me--gave me life and loved me enough to selflessly and lovingly do what she thought was right; and she was right I think. I can't imagine having parents better than my adoptive parents. I'm not saying she wouldn't have been a wonderful mom. I think she proved that she was by doing what she did. I hope that she has peace with her decision.

Answer 2

Definetly kept, esp. after raisning my own child in similar, although probably a little worse circumstances than she had me in, he is grown now and much more happy and grounded than I was at his age, we were poor when he was very young, but he is very secure in my love, that means a lot.

Like Julie J.  I am wondering if you ask kept kids to justify their existence too?

Seems kind of bad mannered to me to ask someone if they would have preferred their mother choose abortion  or giving them away, most women who consider abortion and don't, choose parenting.

Answer 3

Rainia,

Out of curiosity, would you ever ask a person who was raised by their natural families if they would have preferred their mothers kept them, aborted them, or given them up for adoption?

Answer 4

In every instances, there might have a reason.

Some bio moms gave their children to have a better life. If they think that they an't raise you up in a modest way.

Some maybe because of consequences.  Maybe they are less oppotuned people. They strived hard but they were not given chances to succeed...so they can raise up their children.

Maybe for health reasons.

You may have regrets to your bio-moms if they had given you up...for pleasure.

Answer 5

Defiantly adoption.  

My birthmother had drug problems and was often homeless. Her family didn’t accept me for being bi-racial so that’s why I didn’t go to a family member of hers. Its ok with me my family accepts me for who I am. Why would I want a family that didn’t?  My birthmother probably would have kept me if she had the ability but she didn’t she couldn’t even take care of the child she already had.

I have a lot of great things in my life and great plans for the future so i'm happy that she picked to have me.

Answer 6

i would have made the same decision. she was an absolute mess back then, so was my birthfather. i was a mess for a while too, but i had a stable home life to bring me back to reality. if i would have stayed with her i wouldnt have had that.

they are both ok now, stable and secure, but it took them both years to get there. i harbor no hard feelings toward either of them, actually i adore them both. the decision they made was the right one at that time and i have thanked them both many many times for it.

Answer 7

I would for sure have chosen to be given up for adoption.  My biomom is a great lady, but (by her own admission) was not ready, willing or able to be a mother.

I reunited with her pretty early in life (19), she sought me out, and my parents actually encouraged me to meet her, even though I had reservations at first.

It turned out to be the best thing I could have done, because I've never had any questions or doubts about my life, and the decisions that were made for me.

Some people say it's too confusing to hear "I gave you up because I loved you", but in my case it was true, in that respect.

My bio mom, and dad, both knew that they could never provide me with what a child needs, -emotionally, not financially- and they made the only right decision for them.  Was it selfish?  Probably.  But selfish can sometimes = the most responsible choice.

Anyway, thinking back over my childhood, I definitely say no regrets.  I'm happy, I'm at peace, and I know that I'm lucky to feel that way considering some adoption experiences.

Am I 'grateful' for being adopted?  No, but I am appreciative of how my parents raised me, just as I hope my own (biological) children will one day be, lol.

Do I feel 'lucky' to have had parents who loved me, treated me well, and lived their whole lives for my well-being?  You betcha!

Great question!

Answer 8

in my case, it's hard to say...talking to my b-mom now, I believe she could have made it work.  but in her words her family made her give me up..she was only 16.  I can relate.  I was 21 whenI got pregnant with my oldest child.  I was unmarried, uneducated, and financially extremely unstable, BUT I made it work. Of course we had ups and downs when he was small, but if you "do what you have to do"  it can work.  Now I am married to a wonderful guy who loves him and takes great care of him, I am a college grad ( a nurse) It was hard but we made and I believe she could have done the same.  I dont know if I would ever tell her that , she had enough guilt as it was.

Answer 9

Abortion.  It would have done her so much less harm.  My first mom still feels guilty about having gotten pregnant out of wedlock 43 years ago.

Answer 10

Kept me - then we wouldn't be the two wounded people that we are now.

If she really couldn't have kept me - then abortion may well have been less painful than adoption.

I have no crystal ball to know if I would have had a better or worse life - no one has - but we both wouldn't have been left as walking wounded for the remainder of our lives.

But I suspect that only those with true compassion in their hearts can truly understand that

a) losing a child to adoption is a life altering event.

b) losing ones mother is a life altering event.

Sadly your latest questions show a complete lack of empathy for both parties.

Let me guess - you're an adoptive mother?????

Well - then an adoptee who still hasn't completely researched into both sides of adoption then perhaps.

I still stand by my comments - your questions show no empathy or compassion for other adoptees or first parents.

I admit that there are adoptees out there that are happy with their adoptions. I have NEVER said otherwise.

But most of those that are happy-happy about their adoptions & pull down other adoptees that dislike the huge machine that is now adoption in the USA - have either been unhappy with their reunions or wish to adopt themselves, so love to keep believing that adoption is all wonderful to keep the dream alive.

I have a very loving adoptive family - thank you.

My adoption just didn't NEED to happen.

And I disagree completely with adoptions that don't NEED to happen.

Answer 11

adoption = failed experiment using live children.

as i was adopted out in the 1970's I think i would have picked keep ed by my birth mother or abortion.

Adoption has a 50% higher rate of child abuse going by the government figures that i last saw, they do not do anywhere near the amount of things that they need to before handing over a new life to some one's that really have no idea how it is to raise a child or what decency is or even sobriety is.

if  the agency did there job right the police reports should have told them that there decisions to let My adoptive parents are not fit when they see sedge Guns hostage i mean really how much of a warning sign do they need to stop giving children out?

Answer 12

KEPT

My natural mother is a wonderful, compassionate, kind person. I would love to know what it's like to grow up not adopted. To never have to question my origins seems ideal.

She recently told me if she knew then what she knows now she never would have done it.

Answer 13

Abortion. She says that she was going to abort me, so I feel like I'm a huge rift in the time-space continuum, just for being here.

My step-dad, who she cheated on, adopted me as his own, gave me his last name. He had an accident in highschool football that made him sterile. He also has speech impediments and awkward social graces, which means that I didn't exactly develop into a stable adult, myself.

They divorced when I was 8, anyway.

The main thing in life I hate is that my life sucks, but I see other minorities doing well, and the reason for it is without explanation. It makes me depressed, confused, and very unstable; vengeful.

I think my mom should've aborted me, because I don't get what I want in life, and I can't even be sure what my next action will be. I hold society 100% responsible for my woes, especially my own race. I can only hope that the anger stays turned inward, and that maybe someday in the very near future, I'll get what I want in life.

Answer 14

i would have given me to the man who says he is my dad..i met him a few months ago..and he told me his mom was mad at him till the day she died over not taking me..

sealed records do suck, mine was a sealed adoption as well..but twenty years of looking..i finally paid someone to find my siblings...and it was worth every single dime i paid and then some

Answer 15

I would tell my nmother not to tell her evil mother she was pregnant. Her evil mother  arranged my adoption and sold me off. Nmother spent 38 years grieving for her baby she was told died,

Answer 16

she gave me to her step mom and her dad. im glad she did, she is a bad person....and is crazy!!! she told my now mom she better take me or shes throwing me in the garbage....im glad they took me. she was 16 when she had me , ugh.

Answer 17

This is a really hard question to answer... let's see.... I have actually met my birth parents, and I really like them and I think they did what they had to for my best interest...but I am not sure if I would change it...I would be a totally different person than I am today.... I guess I would have to say... that I would keep things the same... I was loved.. and had a good life growing up... and while I do feel like I missed out on being in their family... I am close with them now and we have a history now which connects us...as well as genetics....

good question though:)

Answer 18

ABORTION would have been my choice

I wish she would have terminated her pregnancy and allowed me to return to the source.

While I had "good" aparents, I always felt profoundly sad, and by the age of 7 I was daydreaming of putting a gun to my head. However noone could have guessed I was sooo sad because I put on the act of a "happy" adoptee. I felt my job in life was to make others happy and to ease any of my parents sorrow -

Most of my life has been lived in a major depression and after reading Primal Wound I found my feelings weren't uncommon. It seems that to an infant losing one's mother results in a type of psycological death. You can never be the person nature intended you to be. You lose your name, your family, the ability to be around familiar people and places....the losses are endless.

While  I appreciate the generosity of strangers attempting to share their family heritiage and traditions with me....the pain far out weighs the good.

Since beginning my adoption healing I am attempting to learn how to find joy in being alive. It certainly doesn't come naturally to me, but I am trying. I reassigned my birthday - and that marks the new chapter for me.  By sharing my story, hopefully I can save another baby from the same fate.

Answer 19

Now that I have a mensch of a husband, and three of our children, I would pick to live.

However, up to age 30 I would have chosen abortion.

And if you told me I had to go back in time and relive my childhood, exactly as is was I would pick abortion hands down.

My natural mother couldn't get an abortion because, they were illegal, and a daughter of her mother's friend died after getting an illegal one.

However, she wishes she had one, too.  Her logic?  "At least one of us could have had a happy life."

I'm with her.

Answer 20

I can't speak for other adoptees, because every mother's situation is so different

Some adoptees of sealed records don't have the luxury of even knowing what situation their mothers were in at the time of their birth and so had to speculate as to the cause of their relinquishment

My mother, I discovered at the age of 36 no less, did indeed want me but society dictated that she did not qualify to be a mother because she was not married.  There was no support for her.  It was not her choice

So, I couldn't have made my mom's decision for her because she had no choice to begin with

Sometimes when I come across mean people who say I ought to be grateful for having been adopted and I have no rights to know anything about my origins then, yes, it crosses my mind that it would have been less painful to have been aborted.

Other times when I look into the eyes of my own children and feel the arms of my adoptive mother around me, I feel happy to be alive and that I had the chance to know them.  But at the same time sad that my mother and I had to lose each other in order to know the wonderful family that is in my life today.

I wonder why, now that I'm an adult, we can't all know each other and begin to heal those old wounds.  Sealed records suck.

This answer comes from the heart and if anyone even dares to call me a sociopath again just for having real feelings which are perfectly normal for an adoptee to have, I I'm gonna scream