Adoptees: Should I be angry or not?

Question

Should I be angry or not?

I am an adoptee of 48 yrs. I have been in the closet for those 48 years. My natural mother has been married three times and her husbands never knew about me. She boasts to me that she has a husband, children and grandchildren. I have been talking to her off and on for 26 years and the story was I will tell the boys (who are 49 and 50) about you. Her sister advised me early on that she told her that she never intended to tell the guys. I wouldn't listen to her sister and trusted my natural to be truthful. However, it has been 26 years later that my brothers do not know about me, my daughter nor my granddaughter.

Whose life is included in an adoption --- just the mother or the mother and the child?

Do I have a right to be angry?

Am I stupid for being so considerate of my natural mother and kept myself a secret for her?

Should I be angry at myself for meeting a cousin (he is 53 and I am 48) without consenting to my natural mother?

Answer 1

You have every right to be mad, but your mother may just not have been ready to deal with the reality of a child when you came along. She may also be ashamed at what she did to you.  Now that you are adults the reasons for not sharing you with the family are all about her, and her emotions. In the beginning it may have been for the kids, but now its just selfish.

If your other family members are OK with it then meet with them, but realize that it may drive a wedge between you and your mom. My family had similar issues with my niece who was adopted out, and then came back into our lives. My mother and my sister (the birth mom) still do not talk because my mother wanted to include her in our lives, and My sister did not.

Just take it slow, and remember who loved you enough to raise you. Your mom did give you life, but nothing more, and to feel to much for her when she does not want to get to close to you will only cause you heart ache.

Answer 2

I certainly wouldn't blame you for being angry.

I don't think you are stupid.  I think you were trying to be respectful.  At some point, though, you need to take care of you.  It seems she isn't thinking about your feelings, so you need to decide how much is enough.  Don't forget to look after your needs.

I don't think you should be angry at yourself.  If she isn't willing to do right by you, you shouldn't be blamed for getting on with your life and meeting your family.

Be angry, by all means.  My only advice, and you are free to ignore it, is to not act out of that anger.  The only time I've really regretted something is when I've acted out of anger.  But being angry is a normal human response to bad situations.

Answer 3

Certainly you have a right to be angry with your nmom about her inconsideration and dishonesty as well as her demeaning and dismissive treatment of you.  

No, you are not stupid.  It's very easy to offer such considerations to someone who is family.

You also have every right to a relationship with whomever you please as long as that person wants it, too.  Your relationship with your cousin is just that -- with your COUSIN.  It's not about you nmom.  

It's better that you recognize and deal with your anger -- which is a normal emotion -- in a healthy way than to end up hurting yourself or someone else by trying to either deny it or act on it rashly.

I'm sorry for what's happened here to you, also.

Answer 4

I agree with Theresa.  Come visit lots of adult adoptees at:

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum

Answer 5

Should you be angry? You *should* be whatever you authentically feel. I'd be angry. Do you have a right to be? ABSOLUTELY!

Whose life is included? God, where to start:

Your mother

Your grandparents

Your aunts/uncles

Your natural siblings

Their spouses

Their children

Your daughter

Your spouse

Your grandchild

Adoption in one way or another effects EVERYONE, I believe.

I don't think you're stupid for being considerate. I think you've been patient and thoughtful.

And don't be angry at yourself for meeting your cousin. You sound very brave to me.

Answer 6

If you now have adopted parents who love you then you have the family that loves you very much. As for your mother she seems to have  problems that go back long before you or your brothers.  Be good to her but remember that she had a choice to keep you or not.  She will find that in the end of her time she will regret many things she has done and that some of them can never be taken back.  If you have a good life and family of your own then move forward and make them happy.

I also come from a family that was broken by my mothers choices and in the end she had no one to blame but her self.  She gave away 8 children.  Just try to be the best example to your children that you can be.

Answer 7

"do i have a right to be angry"

Do you FEEL angry? It sounds like you do. If you feel it, you have a right to feel it. Emotions don't need permission. If you're angry BE ANGRY. I would be. I wouldn't have waiting around that long thats for sure! I don't know how you've done it all these years. Go meet your siblings, you've waiting long enough in my opinion. Just because you were adopted doesn't mean you're obligated to uphold a lifelong secret that has impacted your entire life. Set yourself free and give yourself permission to put YOU first.

Answer 8

Your natural mother has no right to expect you to live a lie just because she chooses to. You should let her know you will be trying to contact your siblings yourself. As for you being angry, you do have a right to be but please do something about your anger because if you hold it inside it will eat at your soul. You come across as a lovely individual and you should be proud. Your heart is in the right place but you need to do this for you. Good luck.

Answer 9

You have a right to your feelings. "anger & disappointment...wanting to be acknowledged...legitimized"

She has a right to respect and privacy.

She is of a different age and a less open generation.

The private investigator I hired was supposed to keep the introduction private.  She inadverandly let it slip to a birth sister who I was.  My birth mother was forced to tell her children that "I was not possible" in order to save her reputation amoung her 4 children.  After she saw my photo ( I look like her), she told them that "I don't know who she is, but she looks nice, so invite her for a visit."  

She is from a generation that carries a lot of shame regarding illegitamcy and morallity.  

I have had to respected her feelings and the way she perceives herself.

I have found my birth father and his children.  Out of respect for their memory of him, I beleive it is healthyier for them to remember him as a hero, than for me to introduce myself and show them that he cheated on their mother.

That's just me.  We all are different and have our own paths.  I really have compassion for your pain.  I hope that she can tell them before she passes.

Answer 10

Your birthmom is being a little selfish, but you are all adults and you can contact whomever you like. If  you decide to contact your brothers make sure you tell your bmom what and when you are planning to meet.

Answer 11

you have every right to be angry with your birthmother and if i was you i would have contacted the rest of your natural family long ago adoption affects every person in your natural and adoptive family and i believe everyone has a right to know their families your mother sounds like she is a selfish person and it is time that you were a bit that way yourself

Answer 12

YES of course you have a right to be angry!

If I were you, I'd be on the phone RIGHT NOW telling my brothers about my existance. I think you have the patience of a saint.

You have the right to meet and form relationships with anyone, you are a full-grown adult! You don't need your mommy's permission.

come join the coolest adoptee forum on the net, link above.

Answer 13

talk about 'have your cake and eat it too'

yes, you should be angry. she is completely denying all of this. you are trying to be patient and trusting and she is abusing that. she doesnt want to disturb her life, but she doesnt want to assume responsibility either.

i would be furious. heck, im pissed for you. i cant say what i would do, but you dont deserve this type of treatment. you are taking all the shunning and pain and she is getting her conscious clear because you are normal and healthy, but you are being made into a dirty little secret. for nothing that you did. she made that choice for you.

yea, be mad. you are entitled to that.

Answer 14

I think you have every right to be angry.  While on one hand I understand why she's acting that way -- when you were born it wasn't accepted to have children before marriage and she probably internalized a lot of shame that she just can't manage to overcome -- it sounds like she hasn't been at all considerate of your feelings.

Answer 15

Absolutely

I can see how much you have wanted to give her a chance to reintroduce you to her life.  I am so sorry, that she once again has seemed to abandon you and your feelings.  I would soay that you are better off with out her, but in reality you and I both know that you will continue to stay silent, waiting for her to make the first move.  I WOULD DO THE SAME THING!

Oh, and congratulations for creating your own natural family!

I will keep you in my prayers, and I hope that she realizes the precious 2nd chance that God has given her with you and your daughter, and your granddaughter.