Adoptees: Taken or Given do you feel it makes a difference?

Question

I once asked this question years ago on another site... I didn't get much feedback.

I am wondering do you think it matters in your feelings about loss and being adopted to learn if your mother placed you with all those glowing stories about her Love for you and the choice she made out of her love to place you?

or

To have been taken and had your parents rights terminated?

I wonder this as an adoptive mother and ex-wife of 14 years of an adoptee with our own children.... I have often wondered if my ex would have acutally FELT better thinking he had been taken (just or unjust) from his mother rather then be told she made this choice because she loved him....

Do you think there is a difference with the Abandonment feelings if you knew you were taken by Children's Services?

I see in my little girl this sense that had she stayed with her mother perhaps she could have helped her...

My children have negative feelings about outsiders deciding things for them--is that easier?

Answer 1

Children are not realistic, they look at these things emotionally.  Each child is different. There is going to be pain and resentment no matter how it occurs.   I don't think there is a "best" way.  If your ex had bad feelings about his adoption, he should probably get counselling.  His mother made the decision she had to make.  He can second guess all he wants, but he wasn't there facing what she was facing.    And your little girl is just that ... a little girl.  She could not have helped her mother as an infant.  That is the reality of it.  

And if kids aren't adopted, they still have problems and complaints.  "If my parents hadn't gotten divorced...", "If I had gotten a pony for my 4th birthday...", if, if, if.  

We all have situations in our lives that aren't the way we would like.  Sucessful people make the best of the hand they are dealt.  I don't know if any of that answers your question.

Answer 2

well, for me only, that's a tough q? bc i don't know what it's like to be taken by child services.

that being said, i feel for me personally, that it would have made no difference.

why?

i STILL had NO SAY in it.

Answer 3

I dont know, but adoption being closed is the worst part about it.

Answer 4

I was adopted from birth, and I can tell you that I applaud my birth mother. She did one of the most difficult things a mother can do -- she did what she felt was best to provide the BEST for her child.

I have never felt resentment. My life hasn't been perfect, BUT it has always been MY life. I wouldn't have asked for it differently. Do I know my birth mother? No -- legally I am not able. My sister and I are both adopted from different families, and honsetly she IS my blood.

My parents have always been honest about this adoption, and honestly the only resentment I've felt was towards my grandmother's family, we felt that my sister and I were less of a person because we were adopted. We do not know the circumstances behind our adoptions, but that side of the family loves to imagine that we are the sins of the earth that ended up in their laps.

Answer 5

To me it doesn't matter.  I feel that I was abandoned period. That fear of abandonment will always and forever exist for me and I had great parents.

I think it helps if the child is in an open adoption.  The abandonment issue I hope will be lessoned.

Answer 6

I doubt your ex-husband's mother HAD a choice, if he was born before '73, he was surrendered, just like me.  They didn't have to SELL adoption then--it was the only choice.  We're of a very different era.  If you haven't read 'The Girls Who Went Away', you should.  Your library will probably have it.

Until I read that book, I just couldn't UNDERSTAND why my mother would give me up, especially because she was a rich girl--why couldn't she have tried harder?!

But the truth is that there was NO choice.  It was what they called it back then, when TRUTHFUL adoption language was used.

A surrender.

Answer 7

I am adopted and have 2 adopted children-  and I can tell you that I feel loved by birth mom for choosing to place me in the family that I was raised in. She wrote a beautiful letter to my mom and dad- telling them that she loved me very much and that is why she chose to place me, otherwise I would not be here today.  I had the privilege of meeting both of my children's birth moms in person, and they both told us, that it was a very hard decision, however because of their love for their babies, they both chose to place them in our family-  otherwise , with their situations they would have had to abort, and they could not do that.  So in my experience, I feel loved. Again, so those people who don't do not misunderstand me, I am SO SO SO sorry for those who feel differently.

Answer 8

I think for me it does.  I used to have a warm and glowing feeling about adoption, because I grew up believing that my mother DID give me up because she chose what was best for me.

But after I found her and found out the truth, that she had no choice and that she had really wanted to keep me but she was pressured to give me up by the agency, I don't feel very good about my adoption.  (This is separate from my feelings for my a-afamily; this is solely about adoption itself).

It didn't change my abandonment feelings, since I was already in my 20's and had had the feelings my entire life, so not much changed there.  I think those develop early on in life, if they are going to develop at all.  And my abandonment issues are manifested more in issues with trusting other people and things like that.

This is hard one to answer, and give any perspective outside of my own; so sorry if I'm not much help in regards to your children.

Answer 9

I personally would feel better knowing that my mother/father gave me up becasue they felt they could not give me the life that I deserved and so they gave me to a family that could, rather than knowing that I was taken away by DCFS because them I think I would have aweful feelings about my parents that they were mean and aweful people and didn't love me because they abused me or whatever they did to get me taken away from them.

Answer 10

I was adopted when I was 3 days old. My birth mother gave me up for adoption. I grew up in a loving home with wonderful parents. I always knew I was adopted.

To answer your question, yes, I think it would make a difference if a child was taken from his/her home versus voluntarily given up for adoption. I think a child taken from his/her home may feel that they came from less desirable situations than others.

But...... I also think that their adoptive family environment as well as how they are raised (feelings of self-worth, etc) play a role as well.

Answer 11

I have never been a parent to an adopted child, nor was I adopted but I would think that it would be better to be given up by the mother.  

To be given up at birth, or later means that the mother couldn't provide everything a baby or child needs and was adult enough to realize it and take a very difficult step.

To be taken away means that a baby or child had to go through some very hard/bad times with a parent who probably was not putting the needs of the child first.