Adoptees: What are some things that a parent can say to a biological child, but NOT to an adopted child?

Question

Adoptees only please:

Would saying, "my beautiful baby [girl/boy]" be offensive? What can (should) adoptive parents say to babies, and children as they get older, to foster a sense of "belonging", or being a part of the family, without negating the connection to the first family? I'm specifically interested in what you would say when cooing at a baby, but I'm also interested in what you would say as the child is growing up.

And yes, I know babies can't respond just yet, but they understand long before they can articulate. I'm not so much worried about offending a baby, who probably wouldn't be able to process what I'm saying until many years down the road...I'm not even sure what I'm asking. I can see myself cooing at a little baby something like, "you're my beautiful baby", but I don't know if those specific words do more to make a child feel loved and wanted, or to negate the first family with the use of the word "my". Help!

Answer 1

I tell my son he's my beautiful baby all the time. He's my chosen son. And he's adorable, so why shouldn't I tell him he's my beautiful baby?

Answer 2

I see a lot of times when a child does something wrong or weird the parents say "ah, he/she's adopted" when really they aren't.

Answer 3

I have always been my parents child. They adopted me when I was 3 months old and until I looked up my Bio-Parents I knew nothing about them. I always knew I was adopted but my Parents will always be my Mom and Dad.

Answer 4

Okay, so I'm not an adoptee but my cousin was and I know this from her. When you adopt a child, that is your child. Treat them like they are your child, no different from a biological child. So to say, my beautiful baby is absolutely correct. Yes, they may one day want to find their biological parents, but they will never feel like anyone else is truly their parent besides you and your partner.

Answer 5

I personnel would see nothing offense about a adoptive parent  saying “my beautifully baby,” to their adopted baby, after all it is their baby.

One statement that sometimes a biological mother might say is

“I brought you into this world, I can take you out.” Obviously an adoptive mother cant say that statement.

Answer 6

Being an adoptee and and adoptive parent- I think one of the only things that an adoptive parent can say to a bio child and not an adopted child is "I carried you in my tummy".  There is nothing wrong with saying "you are my beautiful baby"- why would that cause trauma to the child?  By the way, my adopted children are my children.  Please don't think that I am negating that they have a birth mom. I have one too, and I can tell you that my adoptive mom and dad were my parents.

Answer 7

You shouldnt treat your kid any different because it is adopted. I was adopted and i was treated alot different then my adoptive parents biological children. And it hurt alot. Just do they same as you would if they were your own natural born. THanks

Answer 8

I really cannot think of anything.  Any love expressed to a bio child would be just as appropriate to an adopted one.   I think "you are my beautiful baby"  is sweet....if you are a baby...it might get annoying to a kid as they get older.

The point is, in my experience as an adoptee, that you don't want to be loved "differently"  because you are an adoptee.  Wanting a first family acknowledged does not mean you don't want to be adored by your adopted one.  Growing up I would have been really annoyed if my family perpetually "honored" my connection to my first family and diminished their own role.  BLAH.  I didn't want the fact that I was adopted ignored but I didn't want it thrown in my face all the time either.  

Every child belongs to many people, not just the one who gave birth to him or her.  My mom said "your my beautiful baby"  to all my kids.  I thought it was great.  That doesn't make them less mine or my husbands.  They are special to all of us.

Answer 9

I dont know see I have a only younger brother that my parents adopted out.And that was in Illinois I know that the adoptive parents have until hes 21 to tell him.And I often wonder some of the things you wrote here.I dont know how you would do that.You cant say things like when you were born so I dont know it has to be tough tho.

Answer 10

Gaia, I am an AP and also a cousin to an adoptee and the one thing I learned from him is this:   to not introduce him as your adopted child.  This was especially difficult for him to deal with as his sister was my aun't biological daughter, so it really put a separation between them.