Adoptees... What are your adoptive parents like?

Question

What did they do right?

What did they do wrong?

Would you say that being adopted was the better option for you or do you wish you were parented my your natural parents?

Any suggestion for me? (an adoptive mom of a 23 month old boy)

Answer 1

It's really hard to say what would have happened, had I stayed with my natural family.  My adoption destroyed my n-mom, she fell into deep depression, had multiple abortions, never felt worthy of parenting another child because of her guilt and grief over losing me.

So, keeping me could have saved her from that, but who's to really say what would have been?

My natural parents got married 2 months after I was adopted, so I do know that I would have been raised by both my natural parents, and eventually, 8 years later, they did have my full brother.

My adoptive parents were beautiful people, inside and out, I loved them very, very much.  I can't really say what they did "right" but I can't really think of anything they did "wrong" at all.

Mine was a closed adoption, so until I reunited, I didn't know anything at all about my natural family.

My suggestion to you, is:  if your adoption is closed, do what you can to obtain your son's records.  Find out all the information you can on his natural family.  When he is older, if he wants to search, don't be scared or offended, because the desire to search has little to do with the adoptee's feelings towards the aparents.  It is about a need to feel complete, to feel whole, to connect with our heritage and our roots.  It will NOT diminish his love for you in any way.

If your adoption is open, maintain that openness, keep the channels of communication flowing.  Do what you can to integrate his natural family into yours.  The more people in a child's life who love him, the better, right?  This doesn't have to be a competition.  Let the child set the pace, and again don't get defensive or upset about contact, it's just a natural thing if a child wants to be around the people he shares a genetic connection with.  

Wouldn't you?

The more supportive and understanding you are, the more he will appreciate it and love you for it.

Answer 2

I can't surmise this situation at all.  I just don't know.  I don't play with wishful thinking.  I don't know if adoption was a better option.  I know that my father fought to gain custody of me.  Would it have been better?  I will not ever know the answer to that question.  

What my adoptive mother did right?  She was honest even when it hurt her.  She has taken the brunt of my anger.  She has called the agency screaming mad for me to get my records.  She has begged me to be compassionate even though my mother supposedly rejected me.  My mother even compared notes and helped me discover that the agency lied to her and me. They also double charged her and my natural mother. Of course now they have taken me for some serious cash as well. She never forgets to tell me how much she loves me.

She is also very supportive of my fight to have my original birth certificate.  She is one of my biggest fans of my blog, Adoption and its Triad.  

The bad things that she has done.  It has taken her a while to see the dark side of adoption.  She sees it now.  It hurts her as much as it has me.  

What you can do is the same thing.  Fight along side with him to make sure he has his records.  Make sure he has his roots and heritage.  Make sure he realizes that even though his mother relinquished him, that she did love him.  She did what she thought was best.  Don't call him a chosen baby.  Don't let society make him feel like he has to be grateful to you.  After all, you are grateful to have him right.  He is the blessing in your life.  Always be honest even if it hurts you.  All these will help him love you more.  If the opportunity arises that he meets her, be supportive.  It will strengthen your relationship with him.

Answer 3

I can't really type out all of the right and wrong stuff, that to me is unproductive. I have GREAT adoptive parents, who have done ALOT right. I am very close with my afather especially.

In regards to doing things right with your adoptees, honor them, respect them, respect the fact that they have other parents regardless if they're in your lives or not. know that its not your place to take away the wounds of separation if your adoptee express separation issues with you. Validate their feelings whatever they are and just be a rock of support and understanding and acceptance that they need. Don't keep secrets from them, don't hide their past, its THEIRS, and they have a right to know. And hopefully that will provide a relationship where they can come to you and talk with things, and have the esteem and security to flourish like we all deserve.

Answer 4

My adoptive parents were fabulous.

Having said that, there are a lot of psychological issues that are very hard to overcome when you are adopted - lack of trust, low self-worth, fear of abandonment, difficulties with anger - and that are part of why a high proportion of adoptees and foster children act out and end up in correctional facilities.

There are things you can do to minimise those problems, of course; I'm not trying to scare you, but to explain that you'll need to deal with them one way or another.

Your adoptive son will need to feel welcomed and that he belongs.  Tell him he was adopted right from the start, do not keep it a secret, or when he does find out there may be massive problems.

There's a book (I found it difficult to read) called The Primal Wound which may help, and there are support lists.  I read it only after finding my natural mother, which was very traumatic for me, and which only happened after my adoptive mother died, because I thought it would upset her too much.  But I loved both my mothers to bits.  And my adoptive father (I only met my natural father twice).  And my (half-)brothers.  Etc etc.

I hope this helps a little.  Feel free to contact me directly if I can help more, although I don't know if I can :-) :-)

Answer 5

We're poor. That's the big negative--but I don't really mind.

The big things she did right (she chose to be a single mother) were intellectually stimulating me and my sister. One of us was usually taking lessons of some kind, and we were always going to museums. I loved it--and I'm a smarter person for us. Even though me and my sister had ADHD she read to us no matter how fidgety and hyper we were, and continued until I was in elementary school, and during the summers after that. She's always been there for me.

Answer 6

my parents were like ward and june cleaver. they went to church, mom stayed at home while dad worked. our house was always neat and mom made 'meat and potatoes' for almost every dinner. packed lunches for school were well balanced and nutritous. to tell you the truth, i never had a pbj sandwich or spaghetti-os until i was at a friends house when i was 16.

they were wonderful stable people, but they were also emotionally distant. i was VERY VERY different than them and my sister, they did everything right and i was a total s***w up. they werent the hugging and 'i love you' type, and i am.

overall, i would have been in jail had i lived with my birthfamily. both my natural parents were alcoholics and addicts. they have turned themselves around and are doing well now, but at the time i would never have made it. i had/have a lurking problem with alcohol. i probably always will, and they would have been the match that would have set me off.

i have found my natural parents and love them both. they are wonderful loving people and they loved me so much they gave me a chance, because in my situation if i would have stayed i would have nothing. so through their fast lifestyle they were able to see what they had to do and they did it. and i thank them all the time.

suggestions? just be mom. you are not in competition with them, you are his mom. be honest and open with him. if you turn it into a secret, then that puts so much emphesis on where he came from and not what really matters, who he became. with you being so open to doing the right thing, i am positive you will do just fine.

just relax mom, you are doing great!

Answer 7

i was quite lucky when i was adopted as my grandparents adopted me,my real father wanted to keep me but my birth miother didnt so she made him choose between the both of us(they already had 2 kids,so my father didnt want to lose them as well)my father asked his parents to adopt me as then he could still see me,my grandparents took me out of the hospital when i was 3 days old,then they adopted me.

they were the best parents anyone could wish for,they were loving,caring,everything you would want in parents.

they did absolutly nothing wrong.

i was alot better off with my adopted parents,as my father was killed when i was 9 and my birth mother remarried and my brother and sister had a life of h**l with there step dad,

iam so grateful to my grandparents adopting me as they gave me a wonderful life,unfortunately i have now lost them as they both passed away 4 years ago,and i miss them terribly,alll i can say to you is just be a good mum and always be there for your little boy,he will always love you for that,

Answer 8

My adoptive parents are great...however when my mom heard me talking once about ways to find birth parents she flipped.  and now that I am 32, I have found my birth mom and starting a relationship w/ her, I have to keep it a secret from my a-mom.  she has depression, I believe this might do her in if she knew...so my advise to you is know as much about your childs background as you possible can and when he wants to know tell him without any resentment.  We know who raised us and who our mamas are, but there are pieces missing that may be there no matter how wondeful of  mother you are.

Answer 9

well i was adopted by a single lady. so i only had a mom. and being adopted was better for me because my biological mom wasn't too good.  my adoptive mother never did anything wrong. for about 11 years  i was the only grandchild in the family (like 10 years ago) and when my cousin came along a felt like they didn't (and still don't) treat me like they treat him.  so when i'm around my whole family with my now 10 year old cousin i feel kind of like an outsider. my mom acts the same but.....

I could remember when i was way younger that i didn't like to leave my adoptive mom for too long and she always said that was probably because i have a fear of abandonment.

Also my mom had offer to help find my birth father but i didn't want to. so give them the option and if they don't want to, they don't if they, they do.  u can't stop feelings

Answer 10

Just nurture his nature.  Don't try to make him a mini you.  Understand that he may have different interests, likes and dislikes and let him find his own path.

Kristin Chenoweth is an adoptee who is nothing like her adoptive family.  But they celebrated her differences and didn't try to make her someone else and now she's a huge broadway star.

Nurture his nature.