Adoptees: What is it you expect us aparents to do?

Question

We read your pain everyday. We understand what you have lost because of your adoption circumstances. Definetly some reform is needed.

Our daughter was adopted as an infant 10 years ago. She has known about her adoption and visits frequently with her birth mother from the very beginning. There have never been any secrets about where she came from. We are basically a normal, loving family and my daughter accepts her adoption simply because it is part of her life.

I'm an aparent that did a lot of research. What I learned is that idenity was the MOST important thing I could give to my daughter.The issues that some adoptees in this category have with identity and loss are tragic. Just because my daughter does not share those same issues doesn't mean I don't care. I do. Many times I don't respond to questions here because I'm the dreaded aparent. I'll for sure get a thumbs down from many adoptees just because of who I am.

So, what do you expect aparents to do?

Answer 1

I'm not sure what you are asking, and I'm trying to, so bear with me.  From what you've said here, it sounds like you are trying to do right by your daughter.  Good on you.

Speaking for myself, I don't really expect anything from aparents, as a group.  It'd be nice if more of them worked with us to open records, and I know that many aparents on this site do support open records.  

I don't think I'm looking for aparents to do anything.  Mine did the best they could, and I love them for it.  (Heck, even if they didn't do the best the really could, I still love them.  I can't change that.)  I don't have a problem with aparents as such.  

And I think many of the comments here reflect that attitude.  Given that, I'm still not sure what you are asking.  But I'm not out to get aparents.

Answer 2

I think most of the answers on here are pretty good, expect for noodles(of course) and adoptionissadandsick.

You just need to be there for your daughter and be very understanding, just like any other parent. Trust me, she will still love you and not be angry.

Answer 3

You've told the truth.  That's all I would expect.  I didn't find out I was adopted until age 57, and I know nothing of my medical history, and my son and youngest grandson might be helped if I knew the cause of their medical problems.

Answer 4

You sound like you're very attuned to the needs of your daughter, including those needs specific to adoption.  You are honest and concerned about her knowing the truth and knowing her first family.  It's so ironic that an aparent who is doing right for her daughter is the one who's concerned she might not be, and is wondering what adoptees want.

You know, this Sunday is the 3rd anniversary of my amom's death.  It also would have been her 75th birthday.  I miss her so  much.  I loved her a lot.  She was always honest with me about my adoption and always looked out for me.  

BTW, I would never thumbs down someone just because s/he is an aparent.

Answer 5

I agree with Amy.  Validate and listen and don't take everything personally.  If you know that you have done all you can, then what's the problem.

Our experiences, positive or negative do not invalidate yours.

ETA:

Oh yes, I would like ALL aparents and potential aparents to research adoption, question adoption agencies at every step.  Make sure their adoptions are done ethically and stop treating the adoption process like its some made to order baby factory.  I applaud adoptive parents who already do this.  We need to shift paradigms and open people's eyes to the reality that children are not commodities and that adoption is really supposed to be about finding homes for children in need and not finding children for needy parents.

We need each other to make adoption fairer, safer and more ethical.

Answer 6

This is what alarms me "I'm an aparent that did a lot of research. What I learned is that identity was the MOST important thing I could give to my daughter"

I wasn't aware that you could give someone their identity. To do so seems coercive, certainly you can brainwash someone to believe certain things. As a child I was great at acting however whoever I was with expected me to. But maybe we have different parenting styles or I misunderstood your meaning

That's my observation from your post, and as Phil said, I'm not expecting aparents to anything either. It is good you consider yourself a researcher though. I believe there is getting to be a good body of information about the effects of adoption that has never been so accessible. I hope that the industry injustices can soon be overhauled.

Answer 7

Nothing.  Your daughter is so blessed and cared for by you and God, that you don't need to do anything.  You've already done it all!

God has blessed you and your daughter so much!  You've done so much, I don't think she has anything she needs to say or ask.  You are so lucky and so is she.  ~.~

Answer 8

thank you.  i asked a question like this not long ago but somehow did not word it as well or get my point or what i meant to be my point across as well as you have here.  

i have received emails from people on here telling me i'm nothing more than a baby stealer and i should take my daughter back to her real home.  as i've stated in my other answers, her other mother was going to place her no matter.  she is my daughter, but i also respect the fact that she is not mine only.  she has another mother who we are in contact with on a regular basis.  she is only 2 but i have talked about her story to her and told it to her many times.  she has a photobook i made for her with pictures of her birth and before her birth with all of her parents in it.  her other mother has written her thoughts on the pages she's on and i have written my part of her story on the pages i'm on.  

and still like you i feel like i get thumbs down on my answers just because i state i'm an aparent.  and the emails i receive on here are not from the people posting usually.  they'll tell you exactly how they feel right here on the board and i respect them for that.  i did a lot and i mean a lot of research and feel fortunate i live in the state i do.  i'm in the midwest and as much as we're so very backwards on so many laws, lol, but as far as adoption i wish the rest of the country would copy the laws of my state regarding adoption.  the records are not sealed it's an open adoption state.  my daughter's orginal birth certificate will as of now never be one that she can't get.  i even have a copy of it myself and ordered one for her other mother should she ever choose she might want it.  the agency i went through requires that all mother's placing must go through counseling, and not someone that works for them, they must go through conseling from another organization that works only with prospective parents that want to place their children.  they go through every option that they are aware of that's available to them.  and they must sign a seperate contract that they have received the counseling and are fully aware of other options available and they list those options right on the paper that they sign.  they must initial that they are turning down other assistance and choose to place the child.  and this is done before they can relinquish their rights.  is this still enough in the eyes of some adoptees i don't know.  but i think it's the best i could do to make sure that the adoption we choose to go with was as good as it could be and as honest.  and that's all you can do.  yes reform is needed, it's scary the things i learned before the adoption and all i've learned after.  and like you all i can do for my daughter as far as the adoption goes is to let her know her "identity"  as it is, honestly and openly.  good for you.  all we can do is our best and educate ourselves, because no one is going to provide that education for us.  adoptive parent or not.

Answer 9

It sounds like you're a good AP, Cam.

However, this statement alarms me:

"Just because my daughter doesn't share the same issues..."

She probably does.  She's not ever going to tell you everything.  Does any kid, adopted or not?

If you see me write badly about APs, I'm not thinking of you.

xx

Answer 10

Listen and learn for the benefit of the littlest adoptees who do not yet have a voice

Answer 11

i am an adoptee and i want adoptive parents to do just what you are doing. accept, understand, try and love.

this is my opinion, i will probably get a few thumbs down myself, but thats all i ever wanted and all i would ever expect.

you know, the same thing a bioparent should do.

i love my mom and dad, i love my bioparents and i think your daughter is lucky to have you, and you to have her. best wishes for a life of honesty and contentment.

Answer 12

To be honest even if it does hurt you.

To listen to your child again even if it hurts you.

To validate your child.

Answer 13

Hi Camilleski!

I'm an adoptive mom also, but I really don't get where this idea is coming from that all adoptees on here are out to get adoptive parents. I really haven't noticed that from the questions and answers I have read and definitely not from the way the adoptees on here have responded to me. Take a look at my answers and you will see mostly positive thumbs--not that that is important, really, but I'm just saying don't be scared off because you think that adult adoptees hate all adoptive parents, because that has not been my experience at all.

Now I'm sure you have seen adoptees reacting negatively to people who dismiss their opinions and reality and call them n***s and trolls and who knows what all else. But that isn't because they are adoptive parents that the adoptees react to that. That is just because they are human-- I mean who wouldn't react?

I do think Sunny has a point about your statement "Just because my daughter doesn't have the same issues..." Not only will she not tell you everything she is feeling (she would be a pretty weird kid if she did! did you tell your mom everything?) But also she is only 10. Identity issues, adoption related and otherwise, generally come up later than that--mostly starting in adolescence and continuing on until who knows when. So it wouldn't be too surprising if she hasn't raised any of this with you. That doesn't mean she isn't feeling it, though, or even if she isn't that she won't in the future. I guarantee you, in fact, that she will have identity issues--because pretty much all adolescents do. She may not have a lot of issues that are adoption related, or she might have a lot that are. Your job, which you seem quite ready to handle, is just to be there for her and validate her feelings and thoughts, whatever they are and even if they are negative or angry. If you want to keep lines of communication open on things like this (not saying they aren't) then you might want to figure out a way to raise some of them proactively with her. You have to be careful about this, because many kids this age will shut down if they sense you pushing. But on the other hand a lot of adopted kids don't tell their adoptive parents that they are thinking about their first families--because they think their a-parents' feelings will be hurt if they express longing for their first family. I think most a-parents would not be hurt, but it is important that our kids know this, because otherwise that is often what they assume.

How to do this is perhaps tricky. Have you made a lifebook for her? Or if you have not, perhaps even better because you could get her started and they she could do it and that would help her to figure out her own feelings. Here are a couple of lifebook links:

http://www.adoptionlifebooks.com/

http://www.comeunity.com/adoption/adopt/...

http://encyclopedia.adoption.com/entry/l...

This one might be an easy way for your daughter to do a lifebook herself--it is sort of a workbook for teens:

http://adoption.about.com/od/guidereview...

That is just one idea, I'm sure you have lots of others as it sounds as if you have a great relationship with your daughter.

Answer 14

What an awesome mom you must be. What a very lucky daughter you have. God bless you.

Answer 15

Help us fix the system. Then kids get the homes they need and deserve and kids that should be at home stay there.

The only true way to help a child is to help their family. Anything less and one has to question the motives.

Kinda common sense when you think about it. In a little while our huge advocacy group of groups are releasing our recommendations of how to fix the system. It would just be nice if people weren't so offended by what we say so we can figure out what the system is doing right and make it do more of it.

Answer 16

Just like how you cannot change the problems that any  children may or may not have regarding their conception/birth/family, you cannot change adoptees pasts either.  All you can do is be the best mother you can be to your daughter, never forgetting and always honoring where she came from, and who she is.  You are not parenting every adoptee, just your daughter.  Care about all adoptees, of course, and get involved in the ways you feel important for change if you wish.  But it is not your obligation to try to change people's pasts.

Answer 17

As an adoptee i share the sam e issues with you the way I deal with them are very similar but I won`t let anyone tell me how to bring up our children byputting down my methods and openness the end result is all that counts with a loving health well balalnced adult as the result. Keep up the good work all the best .Me.

Answer 18

I'd like to use the word wish instead of expect. Expectations have always let me down.

I wish adoptive parents would put aside their issues for the sake of their kids. Example - if your child, in a fit of anger, yells "You're not my real mom" - instead of admonishing her for her use of "real" and making it about you (I'm not saying you do, this is just an example) try talking about what sparked the argument, get that settled first and then talk about how both mothers are real and the connection both women have with the child. This is just one example of many in how adoption issues can arise and how to step aside, take a deep breath, and be there for the child instead of taking it personally.

I wish adoptive parents would understand that just because their child doesn't talk about adoption, that doesn't mean they don't think about it. I feel that it is important to bring up the subject from time to time and let your child know that it is okay for them to discuss their feelings, ask questions, etc. And it is very important to validate what they are thinking - not tell them what they should think.

I wish adoptive parents would understand that those of us who are not 100% happy with the institution of adoption are also pretty normal, happy, productive members of society who have careers, children, spouses, etc., just like everyone else. We could be your next door neighbor and you wouldn't know it because we don't go around talking about adoption in everyday conversation.

I wish adoptive parents would 100% unconditionally love their child. To really take the time to think about what that means for an adopted child. I would hope that all parents unconditionally love their children but the fact is some don't - in all types of families. This type of love I feel is especially important for an adoptee because if they don't feel they could very likely think it's because their adopted and it could affect their self worth dramatically. This is soooo important during the pre teen and teen years when SOME adoptees struggle especially hard - the rubber meets the road during this time and these kids who are struggling with why their original mothers didn't keep them need to know that matter what, their adoptive parents love them and will never leave them.

And last but not least, I wish adoptive parents would stand up for all the adoptees who do want open records. It would be a much easier task to complete if those who hold the most power in this "triad" - which like it or not are those who keep the agencies in business - would take a stand beside us and fight for what is rightfully ours. I can only imagine how proud those adoptees who have parents that do that must feel!

Again, I want to state that this is not meant personally towards you - I don't know what you do and don't do. This is just what I wish all adoptive parents would do - including my own. You sound like a good mom - keep reading and learning and asking and expressing - your child will only be better off for it.

Answer 19

I love my aparents dearly, and I believe they did the very best they could.  I have a very good life.  

Having said that, it always bothered me that they told me I was not allowed to get my bfamily information (the laws have changed since then).  Adoption was never mentioned unless I brought it up, and I was uncomfortable asking about it because I wasn't really sure they were ok talking about it.  I think parents are responsible for bring up the relevant, age-appropriate issues.  

You sound like a model adoptive parent.  And I am sure your daughter benefits from that.  However, I wonder about your sweeping claim that your daughter does not share issues about identity or loss.  Maybe the contact she has with her bmom has helped.   But, what about bdad?  Also, your daughter is only 10.  There is still a long road for her to travel...and the world is round which means we can only see so far ahead.  

Nowdays, what I see here (among other places), is that both aparents and bparents forget that you decided to participate in adoption.  The adoptee never had a say, not even in adulthood.  The two groups of parents fight over who is "real", who deserves the most loyalty...and that places the adoptee in a tug-of-war that simply cannot be won.  All four of my parents are real; none of them is imaginary.  Each has played an important role in my life.