Adoptees...Why have you decided to NOT contact your biological parents?

Question

im talking about personal reasons...not circumstancial reasons

Answer 1

I am a foster and adoptive parrent and I have a few close friends and one family member who have been adopted. Although I have never experienced the fear of locating biological family I have witnessed it. First there is that fear of hurting or rejecting your adoptive family. Then there is the fear of rejection " Well they didn't want me (or abused) me before why would things be any different... would they have really changed...if they wanted to know me they would've found me!? The final reason I think is what kinds of things was the adoptdee told about his/her biological family? Has he/she been told their bio parents died, are drug addicts,in prison? Wouldn't it be frightening if you found out your bio parents were horrible people...and then what kind of person does that make you?...IS IT GENETIC?! Furthermore It is very sad but many adoptive parents are threated by biological family and may have told stories or even the truth when questioned by their child! ( and in their defense adoptive parents are not always told the real truth by adoption agencies or even CPS) I think for some adoptdees they feel "safer" not knowing... Then the "truth" about their bio family can be whatever they imagine. I do think that pretending like they don't care is a way for foster/adoptive children can self protect and ultimately whatever is or was right for that adopted child  to search or not should be supported.

Answer 2

I knew of two people that were adopted & I encouraged them to find out, @ least they know & they do not have to wonder about it.

One of them found his mother & found out that he had a sister & it truly blessed him & he is happy he took my advice.

Answer 3

I consider it a closed chapter in my life and I'm not terribly interested in opening it.  I was adopted at 3 days old so I've never known any other family than the one that raised me.  I believe that family is a lot more than genetics.  Who I am today has absolutely nothing to do with some strangers who made a mistake 30 years ago and got pregnant.  That may sound cold but I choose to NOT dwell on the past and what might have been.

There are three adoptees in my extended family.  One searched and got the door slammed hard on her.  It broke her heart all over again.  She had been trying to work through her feelings of rejection and having her contact refused just devastated her.  The other cousin was randomly contacted by bmom after 30+ years.  They had a couple of phone conversations but did not maintain a relationship.  Did reunion change anything in her day to day life?  Not really.  Then there's me......and I don't care to search.  We've all had different experiences with our adoptions so there isn't really a one size fits all answer for why we feel the way we do.

Answer 4

I waited for a very long time to search.  A lot of it has to do with feeling as though I would be betraying my adoptive parents.  I didn't want to hurt them, and, given how I grew up, I always wanted to protect them.  I wasn't sure they would be okay with me searching and going into reunion.

The other element was a very real fear that I might be rejected again.  

I did overcome that, but only because of the encouragement and support of my partner.  It's very likely your father experience one or both of those emotions when he thought about searching.  Society has long pathologized  and stigmatized adoptees who want to search.  Your father may have experienced that, either overtly or covertly, and decided he needed to suppress his interest in searching.

Edited to Add: Trust me when I say this...  Everyone close to me, including my partner, would have said that I was uninterested in searching until I did it.  It might be the case that some adoptees truly have no interest.  But many adoptees simply suppress that interest for years and decades.  I know I did.

Answer 5

Hi Sara~

     You know that I met by phone my birth Mom & she wanted me dead from the time  she knew she was pregnent! Because of this terrible experience, I never had the guts to try to find my birthfather.  I don't know why adoptees don't want to try to find their birthparents.   But, they do have that right if they choose too!  The laws have to be easier for them to do it! I think that any adoptee over the age of 21 should have the right to ALL THEIR RECORDS, family, health, etc...

Have a great day!

Jennifer

Answer 6

I have searched and am in reunion but...

i've heard from some who choose not to, the pain of rejection is too deep, too painful, don't want to risk a "second" rejection....

Answer 7

My husband is not interested in looking for his biological parents because he sees his adoptive parents as his only parents.  It's that simple.  He just looks at it as though his a-parents 'had' him, just as children of biological parents look at their parents.  

I respectfully agree with Dean, above.  My husband is not the least bit curious, as you (or I) would expect.  That was odd for me to try to understand, but it's true.  

Hope this helps~

Answer 8

I really don’t have an interest and never have. My parents always told me they would be supportive and help me search if I wanted too. So being afraid to search because of them has never been a factor. I just honestly don’t see a reason to search, I’m a relatively content person, not saying that adoptees who search are not happy. General they search because they feel something is missing in their lifes.  I’ve never felt like I had anything missing not knowing my biological parents. Sure I’ve had some curiosity but its never been to the point where I feel incomplete or that I need to know.   I suppose I’m lucky in the fact I do have my genetic mothers first name, middle initial and last name. So if I ever decided to search or if I was person who wanted to at least I would have that, and that’s something some people don’t have.   If she or her daughter ever contacted me I don’t know what I would do to be honest, but its not something I even seeing happening.

Answer 9

I am curious but it is not a burning desire. I was blessed to be chosen by wonderful parents. They chose a girl after me so I had a sister, 15 months younger than I am.

Anyone who is adopted and says they are not curious I will say is not being truthful. But I have no reason really. I don't have a lot of time. My records are sealed so I would have to have a court order to see them. I know where I was born and what hospital,, I know my Biological mother was single with a 6 year old when I was conceived in 1956, not an easy time to be divorced with a kid and pregnant. So she gave me the chance for a better life.

The closest I have come is to place my name with the little info I have on Adoption.com but that is all.

who knows.... maybe one day

Answer 10

My adopted children (from birth) have told me that they feel the adopted children that look for the person or persons that gave them up, are the ones that were not 100% treated well, and did not receive the love they needed.  None of my five children have ever wanted to, and as they state, "why if you have a loving mother and father, do you ever feel that something is missing.".   My oldest stated, "Mum, you are and always have been my Mum, I am not interested in looking, when I have already "got".

You see, my husband and I are "their parents", and blood, to them is not an issue.  I guarantee you also, that I have NEVER tried to influence them in this way.

Answer 11

I have never wanted to look for my mother. I know all the circumstances surrounding my adoption. I knew my bio grandparents and a couple of my aunts and some of my cousins. I felt as though she knew where I was or at least how to find out because she knew my grandma knew, and she never made an attempt. I believe this is because it would have been to painful for her as what took place (no real fault of her own according to what my mom had told me)  I just don't think that I have the right to interfere in her life now. As I know she had remarried and had had a set of twins. As for my sperm donor I had the opportunity to meet him when I was around 18 and refused. How dare him try only to find me and not my brothers, and how dare him threaten his parents if they didn't tell where I was. He was a drunk and couldn't stay out of jail and was the main reason us 3 kids were taken away. He died in a car accident when I was around 20 and the only thing I can say is God have mercy on his soul. Now alot of the imformation about my bio father character and what not I recieved from my grandma his mother. She told me about both of them. My mom and dad had told me everything they knew which was quite a bit also.  I hold no ill feelings towards my mother I just don't want to upset her. I have seen pictures of both of them, I also had a good mom and dad that raised me. So I guess I just felt that I saw my mom and dad all the time. I do however wonder quite abit about my 2  brothers who were adopted out at the same time I was.                                                                                                                                                                                                             I think it is sad that people are giving others thumbs down for answers that have come from their own personal and individual lives.

Answer 12

I'm not sure what your dad felt, but I think it's worth mentioining that statistically women search much more often than men do.

My adoptive brother has not searched because he believes terrible things about his mother, and this makes thinking about his heritage very painful for him.

Answer 13

There are many reasons people choose not to search, as mentioned by others.  Most of us are afraid to hurt our adoptive parents. Some don't search out of a fear of rejection.  Others believe it's a closed chapter, why go back? Some, it seems, feel they have enough information already.  Some really are a bit angry that their mom gave them up (a sentiment I've heard more from men). More women search than men; & one hypothesis for this is that men don't like to deal with emotional issues.  Some might disagree with that.  When I was growing up, I really had no interest at all!  

My best analogy for SOME of the differences is this: some people LOVE archeology, anthropology, sociology, genealogy, history, ancient cultures & civilizations.  And some people are bored to tears with these subjects.  

In high school, I really could care less about history.  Now I LOVE history! I'm fascinated with everything from the Last Tzar of Russia, to the ancient ruins of Greece, to the lost city of Pompeii, to our local history of my town & state.  I've read my husband's family's genealogy all the way back to the mid 1600's. Point being, that sometimes even our interests change over time.

Without knowing your dad, no one can say why he never looked.  I wish I had a better answer for you.

However, if YOUR curious, you still may be able to search for extended family members using the information you have about your dad.

Good luck!

Answer 14

usually they dont know the biological parents

Answer 15

I always felt that if my birth mom or dad contacted me I would welcome the opportunity to reunite. I have felt that she did a great thing for me and I would not want to "interupt" her life if this was something she didn't want.  I felt it was wrong to impose myself on someone else  to satisfy my own curiosity. In my case, I haven't felt a huge missing piece or emptiness just mainly curiosity.  I have put my information on  lists and would welcome a mutual reunion, but had decided not to search myself.  My brother had a terrible experience in reuniting and so I guess I have also been afraid of the same thing.  

This changed a bit when I had kids of my own.  I understand more deeply what it is like to carry and give birth and I see how much genetics does play in one's life.  As I get older, I'm also more concerned about health issues and my own history.  I know, too,  that as time passes my opportunities diminish and they may not even be alive.   So, these things have caused me to reconsider and possibly in the near future I might give it a try.  I come from a state with open records so it wouldn't be difficult.

Answer 16

I, like Phil, held off for a long time and I'm sure people figured it didn't matter at all to me.  I used to say I didn't care because "my parents who adopted me are my parents."  Well, yes they are.  But that has absolutely nothing to do with searching,  because when I was finally ready, I wasn't looking for new parents.  I was just wanting to know my past and my roots.  I learned that this in no way invalidated my relationship with my parents.  

The truth is, I was just afraid and the "I don't care" was just an excuse to hide the truth, even from myself.  I was scared that they might not like me and reject me, because I believed that they rejected me once already.  I was told they were abusive.  I later was told that wasn't true, but now I had two conflicting stories about the kind of people they were.  What would I find?  (Turns out I was told the truth the second time -- they weren't abusive.)  

I didn't really think that my parents would feel threatened, because my adoptive mother expressed curiosity about my natural parents.  I did worry that my adoptive parents might express anger toward my natural parents though, because my parents had been told by one social worker that my natural parents were abusive.  

My husband was the one who gave me strength and encouragement to search.  Now I'm glad I did.  It's scary to think what the truth might be, but ultimately I like knowing better than not knowing.