Adoptees: Would you have liked to have been adopted by an adopted person?

Question

And would it be better if the adoptee/AP were cognizant of adoptee issues and loss?

Answer 1

I am adopted and have 2 adopted children.  I guess I am one of the only adoptees on the face of the earth, that never felt loss or abandonment.  My 2 children, seem to be ok as well.  They tell us how thankful they are for adopted them. I am fully aware that being adopted can bring loss to some, however I have never experienced that, so maybe that is why my children never did either.

Sunny, I am SO sorry that you have had these issues. However, can you not negate those of us who have NEVER FELT THAT WAY.  As a adult, which I believe you are , you have a choice on how you live your life now.  Please don't put others down for feeling good about adoption, so good in fact that I adopted myself. And Geshom, I am not living in denial- I am thankful to my birth mom for loving me enough to place me for adoption, however, I have never felt loss because of it- sorry for those who have.

Answer 2

I can't imagine what it would be like to grow up wanting to acknowledge your loss from adoption, and be adopted to an adoptee who used you as a crutch to validate her Koolaid feelings on adoption. De'nile is a pretty big river in adoptee fog land, and being raised by one of these people would be detrimental to your health. Who would you talk to? where would you go? who could you trust to lean on when you needed them MOST? You would have no-one.

that must really hurt. I wonder, what makes people like this? How awful the family situation must have been for the adoptee to become this way. Its sad really, really sad. She must be hurting, a lot.  

Answer 3

Bring it: ... you're so unoriginal in your conscending comments.

Suzy Sunshine: You've actually said something I agree on. My goodness!

Although adoptions are becoming more common nowadays, the fact that a mother and father came to adoption because of inferility indicates that adoption was the second choice.

Ain't that the truth. =P

Answer 4

I do not think it would make it any easier being adopted by an adoptee as I know of some situations and it doesn't make a different. They seem ever more distant then what I would consider myself with my adoptive parents.

Answer 5

Well I wouldn't want to change my family, but yes being adopted by an adoptee is a very powerful way to communicate belonging to our children.

Adoption as a first choice is still pretty rare but it's becoming more and more common. There is nothing wrong with adopting after learning that you're infertile but it does indicate that a biological child was your first choice.  

Answer 6

Well, I can answers the first question,

Yes. I would because if the parent was old enough when he/she got adopted, then the parent should know how it feels for the adopted child, and know that it can be a little scary. Furthermore, I wouldn't care as long as I had loving parents.

Answer 7

Bring it!  Whether or not she is angry and I am not saying either way!  I love reading questions like this as I was never adopted / yes I did give a son away that I had when I was very young...but I am also in the middle of adopting a child through foster care and need to at least have some insight on what he may be feeling.

So, bring on the thumbs down - I am only here trying to learn

As I don't understand what he is going through the only thing I can do is to look at what others view as issues / questions they would like answered and figure out what I need understood myself.

He is angry!  And rightfully so!  I do think that if I were adopted I could understand why he feels the way he does and why he sometimes acts / says things the way he does.

Looking forward to learning everyday!

Answer 8

Certainly if I were to be adopted by an adopted person, I would have wanted that person to be aware of any issues related to adoption.  It's always easier to talk to someone who understands where you're coming from.  

That said, my amom wasn't adopted, but she did have a pretty decent grip on understanding that there was a loss.  I think it's important that adopted children be raised by someone who understands issues and potential issues, whether that person be adopted or not.

Answer 9

I never really thought about that to be honest. I don’t think it would have been bad if I had been adopted by another adoptee. I don’t think I would have had a problem with it. One might say that they would be able to relate to you more at least on the issue of adoption but even that wouldn’t be guarantee since all adoptees feelings and opinions vary.  They obviously wouldn’t have had a bad terrible experience or think negatively about being adopted otherwise they probably wouldn’t have adopted in the first place.  Its sort of ironic though I never thought about being adopted by another adoptee. Since I have been involved in the multiracial community I have wondered what it might have been like to have been adopted by a couple where at least one or both were also multiracial. In the end I am just glad I ended up with a family that accepts me fully for who I am.

Any good parent should be respectfully and sensitive to their child’s feelings regardless if they can relate to their child’s feelings.  I have not felt any loss or abandonment issues on being adopted. That said I do realize that if I do adopt one day that my adopted child(ren) could feel the completely opposite. I would respect their feelings and try and help them anyway that I could.

Truly sad once again testaments that some here feel that unless adoptees feel one way they are in a state of denial.  I just find it extremely sad that people can not just accept that everyone has different feelings and that there is not anything wrong with that.

Answer 10

Well, like AdoreHim I have to state that I'm probably the second (since she said she was the first) one around here who was adopted and can honestly state that I have never felt a sense of loss or any "issues" that I am aware of.  I've never felt "thankful" for my adopted family adopting me nor have I ever felt "abandoned", "thrown away", "given up" or "rejected" by my bio mom.  I've always just felt 100% a part of the family that raised me and was the only family I've every known.  

As to whether or not I would have rather been adopted by someone who was themselves adopted, I'd have to say I don't think it would have made a difference one way or the other.  Things were good the way they were but like any other situation in life, if you change one thing it could ether get better or worse (like that movie "It's a Wonderful Life").

Both of my adopted daughters seem to be doing well and since she was adopted by an adoptee I can only surmise that it worked well for them however, as I said, any change in the outcome could have been either better or worse.  

There is no magic solution or combination. Adoptive parents themselves can be either good parents or bad...just like everyone else.

Answer 11

Hmmmmmm.  This is a tough one.  

It's kind of a c**p shoot.  There are just as many crazy adoptees as crazy  bios.  Both have equal potential of s******g up their kids.  I just really would choose to be raised by someone sane and supportive regardless of whether they were adopted or not.  

Answer 12

I would like to have not been adopted.  I do love my parents that adopted me.  Would I miss them if I had not been adopted?  Of course not.  They would have adopted the 'next' baby and I would have been raised by my natural mother.  I would not feel the loss I now feel because I would not have *experienced* the loss I have experienced.

Do I wish that one of my adopted parents was himself/herself adopted?  h**l no.  My dad, bless his heart, has often 'claimed' to be adopted when the subject comes up.  He is trying to make it 'better' for me by creating a (falsely pretensed) 'connection' between us.  He doesn't know how much it hurts when he does that.  He is most definitely NOT adopted, as my sister (his own biological child) is an identical replica of his mother.  I don't hate him for doing it.  I'm not angry about it.  He's doing it for (what I perceive is) a good reason -- to help me feel 'okay'.  He loves me -- of that I am certain -- but he doesn't understand IN THE SLIGHTEST the reasons why I don't "feel okay".

My a-mother is a totally different story.  If she were also an adopted person, my experience would have been a NIGHTMARE!  She (in reality) will use ANY experience she has (whether real or her perception) to invalidate another person's feelings about the 'same' experience -- if they do not feel the way she does (or thinks they should).  My mother (and again, yes, I love her) is the QUEEN of dismissing other people's feelings.  *sigh*

She plays the 'one-up' game like a master.  If you have a cold, she has pneumonia.  If you are in pain, she is in excruciating pain -- the kind that "you wouldn't understand".  If you are sad, she was *sadder* "back in my day".  It wasn't easy.  She was/is an emotional minefield.

Would it be better if the adoptee/AP were cognizant of adoptee issues and loss?  Sure.  Of course.  Hard to picture in my family, but yeah, I think it would be better.