Adoptees: You know you have two sets of mothers/fathers, but...?

Question

In my eyes, both your natural family and your adoptive family are your FAMILY (family as singular). Do you feel as they are both seperate families and you are balancing between the two? How could an adoptive parent (AP) raise a child to feel as though they have ONE FAMILY, which includes both and all sides of the natural and adoptive parts? Or should an AP do that?

Answer 1

I was adopted and to me my parents are the ones who raised me.  My birth mother and father gave me life, my adopted parents taught me how to live.

Answer 2

There's no way to make a rule for this, because it depends on the people involved.  Your perspective is valid, but it assumes that all four adults want to be involved.  A dear friend of ours adopted her daughter through open adoption, and her daughter knows her birth mother and her birth mother's parents - but the birth father is not involved and doesn't want to be.

It's also true that even when the birth parents remain in the picture, they're not "parents" in the day-to-day sense.  They don't have a say in discipline or privileges or whether 16 is too young to get a driver's license.

It's a complicated situation to explain to a child, who really longs for everything to be simple - as in, exactly like every other family.  But even in the best case scenario, it's not one family - it's just an unusual version of an extended family.

Answer 3

for me my birth mother died when i was four...my birth father i met last year...or at least he claims me..my adoptive parents i havent had anything to do with them since 1998...so to me my parents are the first set...to my children their grandparents are the mother that is dead and the father i met last year..the others want nothing to do with them or me..in fact my 12 year old daughter cant even tell you what my adoptive parents names are..my son can only because he saw them when he was four..but his memories of them are his own and they arent very pleasant..but then those people never were

Answer 4

As an adoptee, I only have one family...the family that raised me and loves me. I have not found my biological family and really don't have any desire to do so. I respect my biological mother for giving me life, but that's as far as my feelings for her go.

Answer 5

adoptive parents should understand a childs curiousity and should not raise them to feel as though they have one family. yes the adoptive mother is the real mother, but they can't take away the feeling that they've also come from another person, they're biological mother.

i'm 16 and have a closed adoption, so i don't know anything about my biological family. but i'd love to meet them. and yes, it is like 2 separate families. it gets kind of confusing to explain

Answer 6

I have two families. My APs and my partner and kids. That is it. That is how it is in my EYES.

My bio family are people who are in my phonebook and that is it. They also have families of their own.

Answer 7

No, I don't think the members are separate...they are all MY relatives (broadly speaking).  However, some do not know others...they do not necesarily overlap.

Answer 8

Like others have said, I'd imagine in a really open adoption, the bio family would be there when the kid was growing up at birthdays and stuff, so they would be extended family rather than a separate one.

But my bio family weren't there when I was little, so I now see them as separate from my adoptive family. Both families have been very accepting of each other, but they are family in different ways. My adoptive family are the ones who have been there for me. Although they were once strangers, they are now family.

My bio family could have been family, but became strangers when I was adopted out, and I'm now trying to get to know them. I call them family because I'm connected to them through by blood, appearances and medical information. But at the moment, they are strangers. Maybe one day I'll be able to see them as extended family, but I don't know if its too late for that because we've all lost so much time together.

I think in an ideal open adoption, the bio family would be extended family rather than a separate family, but I'd imagine in many cases it would be impossible e.g. international adoptions, or if the child had been removed from the bio family due to neglect, abuse or anything like that.

Also it might be very emotionally taxing on both sets of parents, particularly at the beginning, for the bio parents to see their child being brought up by someone else, for the adoptive parents to have another set of parents there. I'd imagine this is why some open adoptions close after the adoption.

Answer 9

I was adopted because my parents lost parental rights do to neglect. My adopted parents are MY PARENTS and will always be my parents. Even tho I do not look like them, they are still my family. My Birth parents will always be my Mother and Father but I only have one set of parents.

Answer 10

in some ways i feel that they are seperate , only because my birth family is completely off their rocker,,lol,, but i think that it could be possibly to consider them as one, if of course , it was an open adoption

Answer 11

There are different kinds of families.

My children know they have birth families and relate to that information and to them in totally different ways. They define family, not me.

I know I have two mothers, and have always felt that, although I never had any compulsion to rewrite history, or dishonor my birthmother's decision.  I feel that my afamily is my family, warts and all -- just like anyone else.

My child I placed knows who I am, but has the two parents I gave her many years ago. When she has come to me to try and fix her life, I redirect her to her parents.  I will always be there for her, love her and cherish her, but the decision I made was for her, and I will not sabotage that for my own grief.

An AP should respect that their child will find their own, personal and unique way to making peace with having two families, and with support and love, will do just that in most cases.  If not, we must accept the fact that some children (bio or adopted) seek to turn away from their families for a host of reasons, of which adoption is just one of many.

Answer 12

How many families?

Natural(my mother), adoptive(two sets of grandparents at war!) , in-laws, my son's birthmother, her family, my various in-law's birthfamilies

Really it's a logistical nightmare.  I wish I had the pentagon's logistics problems... they're less complex!

I hope we're raising our son to feel that he doesn't have to make the choices we've been forced into, and that he views this entire mess as his family.

Answer 13

no, my "adoptive family" is my only family. Of course my "birth Parents" were very abusive and then after i was adopted they decided to have another baby to "replace me".

They are both Bi Polar and several other mental problems.

Answer 14

I think it depends on the situation.   In some open adoptions, I have heard that the birth mother plays a very active part in holidays, birthdays, etc. along with the adoptive family.  When both sets of parents play a very active role in the child's life, then perhaps they could be regarded as one family (just as cousins and other extended relatives are part of a large family).

However, I think it would be very difficult to do this if the two families are completely unknown to each other.