Adoptees and AP's: Since the start of school is just around the corner...

Question

For APs: How do you address adoption-related issues in your child's school. I'm referring to family tree projects when your child may not have much information on their first families. Or baby picture projects where the child may not have baby pictures? Have you encountered anything like this? How did you handle it?

Adoptees: When you were in school, did you have any school projects like this? How did you (or your adoptive parents) handle it? How do you wish it had been handled?

Answer 1

Whenever I had to do family tree projects in grade school, I just used my adoptive family.

If they ask for baby pictures, just explain to the teacher that there ARE no baby pictures. Teachers will have to accept that.  

Answer 2

I am adopted and when I went to school we did not do a family tree-  however if we had, I would have done my family- adopted one that is.  My 2 children who are adopted used our family as there family tree.

I am so proud of the coach of your soccer team. He was very sensitive. It was the parents that weren't.

Answer 3

My son is just starting second grade and he hasn't had a Family Tree project assigned yet. If and when it comes up, I will have to speak to the teacher. We know next to nothing about my son's first family (just his first mother's name) so his 'tree' would look a little sparse if he had one name and picture on it.

Thanks for the question! I am going to ask another question that relates to it so I can get some ideas for a Family Tree project...should it ever come up in my son's school, of course.  :)

Oh, and BTW: good for your daughter's soccer coach! I can't believe the audacity of that one mother. She sounds like a real b!t(h.

Answer 4

My oldest son's father left before he was born.  During the family tree week, he stated the truth, and also gave a little speech telling how it made him angry.  I helped him some, and he took a copy of a horse's pedigree, and therefore could predict the color of the foal the mare was carrying, by knowing the background.   It got the kid's attention, because they could see that with humans, we don't pay as much attention to "pedigrees" in our own species, as what we do with our animals.   My adopted son has not only his adopted, but his biological family also, complete with family history.  We'll also help him with that project, and explain adoption, and how it can be happy or very sad for some.  It's one reason that I'm very glad my youngest has an open adoption with his family, and that his 1st mom has finally started to visit him!!!!!!!

The happy ending:  Now my oldest is in contact with his dad, who is being good to him.  The 4th grade teacher who gave him a bad grade on his family history report, because she "knew" that I knew the history (I didn't) was fired for picking on 3 kids that year over that project, and he had done his family tree, which I did up pretty and placed in his scrapbook.  He sent a copy to the teacher with a not that said, "now I know, and it wouldn't have been as bad not knowing when I was younger, if you hadn't been insensiive and made it bad."  Teachers are now more politically correct!

Answer 5

Interesting the only time I had a family tree project was when I was in my junior year of High school. Actually my teacher was also adopted and while she was announcing the project she said that if anyone was adopted and wanted to make other arrangements with her that was fine. I just made the family tree of my family didn’t have a problem with it. I only went to great grandparents some was left blank because my Dad knows very little about his father’s side of the family.  The only time I recall having to use a baby picture was during my 5th grade graduation party. Which i had since I've been with my family since i was 3 weeks old.  

Answer 6

I'm not an AP, but when my daughter came home saying her friend who is adopted was upset because everyone else would have "real baby pictures" for their school project and she would only have ones from after adoption, I suggested that we could also send in pictures of my daughter as a toddler rather than a baby. She thought that was a great idea and we called her friend to find out what age pictures she did have. When I went in and saw the finished project on the wall, there were loads of them who had used slightly older pictures and nobody would have ever noticed one standing out.

And wow, that mum was mean! How is it your daughter's fault that there aren't any baby pictures?

Answer 7

Ooh,  my school did that. (in middle school).  I told them i couldn't make a family tree going that far back.  They told me to make it up.  I told them i refused.  So i refused, got a C, and my mom took me out the school later (i was a firm rebel).  now yes, i could've used my adopted family's info, which i might suggest as they ARE family, but i was really ticked at the way the snotty teacher was handling it.  Some people didn't even know who their fathers were, or grandfathers and stuff and some even cried so i was just overall offended at the project.

as for baby pictures, your child is going have to deal with disappointments, that's part of life as an adoptee.  (like when people who don't have dads have to deal with father daughter dinner dances).  I'm glad your soccer coach vetoed it, and would hope that a TEAM of girls would've been more kind to one of their own but whatever.    next time i would either let the kid use older pictures of the family together, baby pictures of you or a sibling if that makes her feel better (sometimes it does) or just opt out of the project and let everyone feel like jerks.  I was lucky in that when a project like this happened my mom found some old baby pictures someone had taken for my biological mom and managed to be in the few things that weren't thrown away (when i was adopted i had a pair of shoes and a couple of things in a trash bag).  but anyway hurt feelings may happen.  But hey, some people who aren't even adopted don't have home videos because they couldn't afford them or baby pictures because their parents didn't care.  it's all part of life

Answer 8

I obviously don't have experience in this area, but I wanted to tell you that I just got this book called "I'm Still Me" by BJ Lifton.  The story starts with a family tree project, so it might be a good book to invest in for the kids.  I haven't gotten far enough into the book to tell you the gist of the story (we're trying to focus on toddler stuff first because of a possible impending placement), but it sounds like it could be relevant.  

Answer 9

  I used to just sit there, shut up and dutifully be the good little adopted girl, going ahead with the project using my aparent's information and pretend it didn't bother me that I didn't know all of my family.  I was the only adopted kid in the class and after some comments from other kids about being adopted, I really didn't want to talk about it much.  Since I was adopted at age 2, I had no baby pictures, either.  I would dutifully be the only kid to use a toddler picture when baby pictures would requested.  It was uncomfortable.

This was back in the early 1970's.  There was a lot less awareness of how an adopted child might feel in these scenarios.  Considering the great diversity prevalent in families these days, I think it would be best that children not be expected to participate in projects that usually assume the biological mom-dad-kids household or assume that a child has been with his or her family since birth.  These situations are not the case for a lot of kids.

Answer 10

My son's daycare occasionally does these kinds of projects...  we use our family.  When he is older, it would be neat to include his natural family, too...  whatever we know of them and if he wants to do that.

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The only issue that somewhat relates is Father's Day.  I am single and my son was adopted from Guatemala.  When that time of year comes around, I ask my son's teacher to let my son make a card/gift for his Grandfather (my Dad).

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Good for you for speaking up to that parent!

Answer 11

Homeschooling saves you from that problem at school.

I do have info on my kids so they have some very full family trees.

I think that for baby pictures you could have her use the earliest pictures you have of her. They don't have to be infant pictures.

Many people do the tree part with afamily and the roots with their ffamily for school projects.

Answer 12

I'm glad you realize that it could be an issue & that you stood up for your daughter in that situation.

I know each adoptee handles their own feelings differently so where it could really affect the adoptee negatively & make them feel down (like in the case of your daughter) my way to deal with it was to act like I didn't care.

There were a handful of times where the issue came up about creating a family tree (well, I made one of the family I was adopted into).  I do remember a few occassions where the baby picture thing came up & I did kinda feel left out but I shrugged it off. To be honest I don't even think my parents were even aware that it was an issue. When I would get upset & become violent my mom just looked at me like I was crazy & told me I was a ticking bomb ready to go off instead of just listening or acknowledging the fact that it was okay to feel 'hurt'.

It can be a difficult thing for the AP because sometimes it's just a thin line of when to step in & say something or stand back because you know they don't want you to intrude on their feelings...in all honesty sometimes I didn't know what I wanted either but looking back...just knowing that her feelings are validated (that it's okay to be upset) without giving her the third degree about why she feels that way is a good approach. I know each person is different though & I think you're at least trying to be intuned to what works well in her case.

If you do go in to talk to her teachers or whatever just make sure you also know when to stand back & not forget that as she gets older she may not want you to talk to her teachers...what works now may not in a couple years or it may.  I hope your daughter has a decent school year.

Answer 13

In my freshman year of high school i had a big problem with this because we had a projact where you had to basically do a family tree of diseases and health problems that could be passed down through genetics.

Usually for family tree projects or anything in that category i use my adoptive family. As far as I am concerned they are my family.

But this one was a problem because it was a big grade and i obviously couldnt use my adoptive family...It was pretty upsetting and i got really frustrated and had a talk with my teacher about it. She said to do the best i could and if i had to improvise to use my adoptive family. So I talked to them and they encouraged me to call my biological grandfather. There are certain people in my biological family i was allowed to remain in contact with and he was one of them i just didnt happen to enjoy his company...

I ended up bs'ing the project. But its just really frustrating!

Problems come up when i go to th edoctors office too. Records havent been kept up or sent along through the adoption and they need all the family history information.

Sorry i rambled. Just my experience.