Adoptees...another question for you?

Question

So, when we were taking our SNAC classes (Special Needs Adoption Coalition), I remember the instructors leading us through a meditation. In this meditation, we were to take the place of the child, and they led us through a possible scenario. We're playing, watching tv, doing "kid stuff", and all of a sudden, there's a knock at the door. People are taking us away, our parents are crying, we're wondering what the h**l is going on, they're grabbing our stuff (like 2 outfits and hopefully a teddy bear), and then we're off to a strange home. When we get to this new home, there's a smiling couple saying, "oh, you're just wonderful! You're everything we've ever wanted!" Puke!!!

Ok, so here's my issue. I'm a VERY lovey person, I love cuddles and kisses and hugs, and I have plenty of neices and nephews, and furbabies, to practice this part of parenting on, lol. But in the above scenario, it felt REALLY icky to be the child. I'm not sure how to handle this with my kids. Advice?

Answer 1

Wow.

Simply wow.  That's a good question.  Wow.

I think a lot is going to depend on the child.  And it feels like there are pitfalls every way you turn.  You don't want to be standoffish, nor do you want to smother.  And you can't always count on a young child to tell you what he or she needs.  

I wish I had more experience with this.  Hopefully some others will have insight.  But my guess, from my few memories of my own situation, is to say that you be loving and supportive, be caring and willing to hold (and not take it personally if the child fusses about being held).  

I have two very distinct sets of feelings about my adoption.  I don't begrudge my aparents being happy about me joining their family.  I am happy I joined their family.  But that doesn't change the sadness I feel about losing my first family.  

From your own reporting, I think you are very aware of the tension inherent in the situation.  You will make mistakes.  Every parent (first or adoptive) does.  Just don't let it paralyze you.

And I wish I could be more helpful.  Good luck.

Answer 2

Give them Time and Space and Let Them Get to Know You and They Will Eventually Come to You.

Answer 3

holy cow, what a demonstration. i wonder who thought that one up. talk about driving home a point.

well, obviously, they will need time to adjust, so dont overdo the lovey thing. if they have been with you for a while then i assume they know this about you already, so, kiss away.

i dont have anything else to say right now. i am just stunned by this. i was a newborn when i was adopted, i dont honestly think i have ever put myself 'there' like you were forced to. i am trying to associate myself there and i keep coming back to a very nasty ending.

you know, even if these children are in terrible homes it is still their home and all they know. how absolutely terrifying must it be for them? the fear or abuse they live in is at least familiar, but being taken away like that is so foreign. they have no idea what to expect or what is expected of them.

i think i better ponder this for a while. it makes me feel icky too