Adoptees...do people make you feel like you have to choose?

Question

When you made the decision to search for your bio's, or when you've talked about searching for them in the future, do people make you feel like you have to make a "choice" between your bio-family and your adoptive family? As if you can't handle having both in your life at the same time?

Answer 1

Yes - often.

I have 3 children - I can love all of them.

I have 4 parents - I can love all of them also.

Human beings are capable of loving many.

Adoptees are no different - and to be honest - most of the many adoptees that I now know - are way more compassionate, giving and loving than many others I know that are not adopted.

Those that lay the guilt trip on me - obviously have problems themselves.

Answer 2

I am not adopted, and have not adopted, so I can only give my opinion here based on people I know.  I don't agree with having to choose.  Its not right to put that kind of pressure on anyone you love.  I can understand where the family is coming from, they are scared they will be replaced by the bio parents, but in most cases, that's simply not true.  There is a natural need to meet the family you came from.  Most is just curiosity, wanting to know why and what happened to the bio parents.  If a relationship forms, great, if not, you have met them.  My cousin, who is adopted, does not know.  My aunt and uncle chose not to tell her, simply because they don't want her looking for her natural mother.  I don't agree with it at all, but they won't hear anyones opinion.  She is 20 now, and has no clue.  I think anyone who would make a person choose is extremely self conscious and selfish.

Answer 3

Yes.  I was told, "you search, you're out."  No subtle feelings on that one.  Frankly, I appreciated the honesty.

Today, I hear many adoptive parents and, society in general, "talk the talk," about acknowledging an adoptee's right to search, but at the core, most adoptive parents feel betrayed.  If they did not, they would be at the forefront of helping to open records.  Wouldn't  we do anything to help our children, after all?

I sympathize with adoptive parents greatly.  It's hard to see the child you raised seek out the person who abandoned them.  Family bonds, however, are so much stronger when you let people be.  If there not, you should let them break anyway.

Answer 4

I feel society does.  Its not so much within my own family.  I hear it all the time that I should thank my blessings that my family took me in or that I wasn't dumped.  Even though I still haven't met my mother or spoken with her yet, I love both sets of parents.  I wouldn't be who I am without either one of them honestly.  Neither would want me to feel grateful or feel like I had to make a choice between the two sets.

Answer 5

No one made me choose anything at all. I do things because I want to, not because anyone else wants me too. I am still against the fact that people can have a relationship with the bios and the APs, in the manner of calling them both "mother". I dont understand how that can happen. Its shocking.

Answer 6

My mother actually gave me some information as soon as I was 18, when I was semi-responsible enough to handle it.  She gave her blessing, I guess.  She and I both never had any question to who was my real mother.  She is.  My birth mother has a special place in our hearts, forever, but she is not the one who did all of the motherly things a mother does, she was never there to hold me when I had a scraped knee or a broken heart she went through the torture of my selfish years and the smart mouth, she is my mother, no question about it.  No one ever made me feel like I needed to choose.  What was I going to do? Run away at 18 and try to live with the woman who gave me away? No way.  What choice would there be?  All of my friends and family were very excited for me and when my birth mother decided to not have anything to do with me, who was there for me?  My mother and my family.  A real mother never turns away a child.  I owe my life to a stranger, that will never change, but I also owe my life to the two wonderful people who raised me.

Answer 7

Yes.  Some people tell me my adoptive parents are my real parents.  Some people tell me my first parents are my real parents.  

As far as I can tell, they both are my real parents.

I think society simply has no way to understand that we have two sets of parents.  We have two sets of grandparents.  We have multiple children, aunts, uncles and cousins.  But we are so used to thinking of parents coming only in twos, that the idea that there might be four (or more!) is difficult to understand.

Answer 8

My mom offered to help me look for my bio mom. I am the one who didn't want to. She always told me that if I ever changed my mind that she would do whatever she could to help. Both my parents were very open and honest about everything. I have had other people tell me that I am selfish for not looking. It is a choice each individual has to make. And the mom and dad that raised you will always be your mom and dad. No one has the right to tell someone they have to choose between the two. Personally the ones that I have had tell me things like that are not in this situation so they really don't have a clue on how a person involved does feel.

Answer 9

only my afamily gives me a hard time. everybody else tells me i need to and are very supportive but i guess that's why they're my friends. lol

Answer 10

Phil said it, plain and simple.  People tell you which parents are your "real" parents.  

Many people seem to feel threatened by the whole idea of adopted people reuniting with their first parents.  It seems to be an affront to institution of parenthood in their minds.  What they don't understand is that it's two different relationships.  Adopted people are not somehow the only people in society unable to handle a variety of relationships.  Plenty of folks have completely unrelated individuals to whom they refer as "aunt," "uncle," "second mom," "second dad" and the like.  

My first parents and my adoptive parents are both my parents, just in different capacities.  Neither needs to be discounted in order to tout the other.  What I mean is that some people refer to first parents as "DNA donors" and other such terms.  Then there are those who will refer to adoptive parents as "the people who took you in."  What I find interesting in that many adopted persons are the highest users of such discounting terms.  

I've never felt I have to choose.  There is a place in my life and in my heart for me to love a variety of people in this world.  That includes both adoptive and first parents.