Adoptees/ first parents what rude or strange comments have you heard or been asked?

Question

I know as an adoptive parent, and from forums with other a-parents we get a lot of inappropriate or strange comments from friends, family or even strangers aout adopting our children. There was a question about that on here the other day, and it made me wonder what kind weird, or inappropriate things people have said/ asked you as an adult when they found out you were adopted or had placed a child for adoption.

Did people ask similar questiond/ comments when you were a child?

How do you usually handle it now (in person, know it's much easier to tell someone they're being a jerk online) How would you have wanted your parents to handle it when you were a child?

Answer 1

2 b honest i dont think that ppl rele saye that much 2 me

i remember [i wuz in 5th grade]

n there wuz thiz s****. girl and she herd i wuz adopted so she waz lik "o - did yer mom love u ? " in lyk a rude-ish voice

i mean i still remmber it wuz only a few yrz ago but i guess it wuznt 2 bad kuz if she just felt lyk being a jerk thatz fine she iznt gona ruin mi daye

hopfully ppl dont saye rude thingz 2 yer kidz

adoption iz a g0od thing

n mi mom alwayz told me that if som1 ever made fun of me 4 bein adopted tell them "haye mi parentz chose me -n yerz were stuk wit u"

loll

Answer 2

On our first or maybe second meeting my son's amom told me, "I could never tell him that you loved him." Ah, thanks, and the point being?

When I told a close family member about reuniting with my son, the first thing out of her mouth was, "Oh, how is his mother handling it?" And about the second thing was, "Well, then everything is okay now, right?"

I've certainly overheard and read online many more brutal and degrading words said of mothers who surrendered their child. Of course, we are angels when considering adoption...

Answer 3

Sorry, Sunny got me started!

In general:

* "birthmother"

* "breeder"

* "birththing"

* "Vessel"

* "Incubator"

* "Crackwhore"

* "s**t"

* "Heartless"

* "Ingrate"

* "b*****d"

* "Unwanted"

* "Abandoned"

* "Selfish"

* "Greedy"

* "Baby thief"

* "Infertile Myrtle"

* "How could you?"

* "Were you on DRUGS?"

* "How selfish."

* "Your children will hate you."

* "Just be glad they are in a good home."

* "If they never decide to look for you, you should be happy - it means they had a great life."

* "Hopefully they don't miss you."

* "I would have taken them.Why didn't you ask me?"

* "Will you have one for my friend?"

* "You don't LOOK like a "birthmother"!"

* "You are going to h**l!"

* "You are doing GOD's work" (WTF!?!)

* "How can you still work with kids?"

* "Don't they automatically take your kids now."

* "The people who raised you/me/them are your/my/their only/"real" parents."

* "All FPs/APs/Adoptees are (insert derogatory comment here)."

* "Adoptees/APs/FPs should be grateful for..."

* "Babies are "blank slates"."

* "Adoption is totally normal."

* "I want a closed adoption."

* "FPs will "interfere" with your parenting."

* "We have enough trouble with Fathers already..."

* "Don't put his name on the BC."

*  "It's ok to leave things out."

*  "Adoption saves a life."

* "Thank you for choosing life."

* "Be glad you weren't aborted."

* "Just cross this out - we don't want to delay anything by having to go through the ICWA!"

* "No shame, No blame, No names."

* "You'll forget/get over it/learn to cope etc."

* "Love is all that really matters."

* ETC. ETC. ETC. (Sorry this is wearing me out...)

From D. (AM in my situation):

"We want to make it up to you - let us buy you a new washer & dryer!"

"Oh, we decided we couldn't adopt another (even though we promised you we would) unless YOU were the "birthmom"." (Guilting me into L./H.'s adoption.)

And my three personal favorites were not comments but actions:

1. Promising to bring T. for a visit and showing up without him.

2. On the same visit, turning all my photos of him backwards while I was not home.

3. Closing the "very open adoption" after finalization of L./H.'s.

Most of the time I can just ignore it  or say something that is calm but gets the point across, but sometimes I lose my temper and sometimes I just get ridiculously depressed.

Answer 4

For a birthmom it really just is how could you possible do that. We committed the greatest sin in the world we are selfish horrible people. An ex friend of mine told me that getting pregnant was god's punishment to me for sleepin around with so many guys. Trust me that was the clean verson i think yahoo answers would block what he really said. So thats what my comments have been i can only hope others ethier birth or adoptive parents fair alittle better  As far as what i do i vented alot threw the things i drew. What got me threw it was because i see my child growing up and how happy she is. Her parents love her so much they are everyting i wanted for her so when someone tell me something i say i'm sorry you feel thatway but there's nothing i can do about it.

Answer 5

I was only talking about this today actually with my a-mum. If for some reason genetics gets into a conversation I will say "I'm adopted...blablabla" and people will go "oh...wow...that's amazing" i dont know how other people see an adopted person. Am I that amazing? It's like they treat me like some kind of genius or magician or something and are in awe. Maybe they just don't know how to react. But it makes me feel kind of uncomfortable. Like suddenly if I hadnt been adopted I wouldnt have been so amazing. It's an odd feeling

I also hate the "chose you" phrase. It's mostly ignorance but I usually get "So when did your parents choose you?" or "so do you like your adoptive parents?" lol as if I had apart in chosing them too.

Oh OH I do have one specific to me. I have a memory of when I was 5 months old and being taken from the foster carer by my future adoptive parents. I remember reaching out my arms and crying and thinking "I'm crying what else can I do to tell them i dont want to go" and I even remember the dark greeny grey, floral wallpaper behind her. Every time I tell someone this they say "Babies can't remember things that's nonsense". My adoptive parents didnt even tell me I was in foster care, they never told me a THING about my adoption yet I remember and I knew I was fostered because I have this vivid memory. I asked my adoptive mum about it and whether this actually happened and she said yes it did,  It is as vivid as daylight and I swear to god it is true and I live by this memory every day. It brings up all the pain that I went through. No one can say to me babies don;t remember because I know first hand that YES THEY CAN!!

My adoptive parents are caring and do what they believe is best for me however they have said some very difficult things to me without thinking. I would sometimes go to them crying and upset and I would go on about how I wish I hadn't been adopted and I wish I knew who my parents were and bla bla bla" and my parents would keep saying "but we love you" or "we do EVERYTHING for you" or "we have spent so much money on you to go to school, these are opportunities you may never have had". They never just acknowledged that I might even be remotely sad and miss my parents.

I've had argument and argument about it, I try to explain to them what it's like but they still don't understand. I said it's like if one of your children dies in a car crash you don't say "oh but your other child loves you so don't cry" or "be grateful you still have another child" when you are right there sobbing because you miss the child you lost. Not because you are somehow not grateful for the other one.

This is what it's like. People assume that instead of adoptees greiving for their losses and healing their wounds they should be grateful for what they have got. This is not logical. If a child lost their parents in a car accident people wouldn't expect the same thing. They would expect the child to grieve and have future questions and issues.

People's attitudes towards you completely changes when you say you are adopted. I'm not sure what they are thinking really. And I'm not even totally sure HOW it changes but it does.

Most people have covered the typical questions ive been asked here though so I won't list any more.

Answer 6

I get the usual ignorant statements made, but the one that really annoyed me at the time was when I was talking about my daughter, someone was furious that I would be so inconsiderate by having another child after relinquishing our first for adoption.  As if my life should forever be put on hold or left to that tumultuous time when I relinquished.  Or that I would always be an unfit mother because I relinquished.  =oP

Answer 7

"I can't show you YOUR records-I will get fired and go to jail"

Who in the h**l gave legislators the right to decide that?

Oh- and I once read on msnbc.com that a Catholic nun was against open records be cause she thought abortion rates would go up-she said "we need to save the lives of un-born children" Well you crazy woman-what about the medical records that could save the lives of adult adoptees?

Apparently that nun benefits from her local catholic adoption agency.

Answer 8

I always liked

" She loved you enough to give you up."

Yeah right I'll be sure and let my kept sibs know that.

Just never made sense to me

Answer 9

"Your Mom loved you so much she gave you away"  Um, OK, so everyone I love is gonna leave me - great.

Swiftly followed by:

"If she loved you, she wouldn't have given you away"

"You Don't look Adopted - You look Normal"

"Heredity, Bullshit!" - State legislator and adoptive father screaming like a bansheee when asked politely 'not to deny an adoptee's heredity'.  Nice

"It's idle curiosity, go away. Be grateful" and,

"Heather, your birth is none of your business" - a social worker not related to me but casually leafing through MY records; whilst denying my request to view MY records.

"MY baby is MY baby, her birth mother is non-existent"

"Adoptive parents give more love to their children than regular parents do.  You are nothing but ungrateful"

"you could have been left in the gutter"

"Why on earth would you want to find someone like THAT?"

"Weren't your parents good to you?"

all quotes from 'loving' adoptive parents

Answer 10

Do you ever wonder where your real mom is?

You were better off being adopted!

Adopted people think the world owes them something.

I think being adopted is lucky! You were chosen!

What difference does it make that you don't know your heritage?

Being adopted was your karma.

You feel different? Well, I do too, and I grew up with my bio family!

I wonder if your mother even knows WHO your father is!

I believe that you CHOOSE your family before you're born, so you must have chosen to be adopted.

God loves adoption!

You should be grateful to your parents for taking you in!

You're lucky that your mother didn't abort you!

There are worse things than being adopted!

When I used to get mad at my parents, I always WISHED I was adopted!

You're not our real brother/sister!

Why do you need a family tree--just use your parents!

What's the big deal about open records?

You know, if your parents hadn't adopted you, you'd have grown up in an orphanage.

Your "birthmother" was just a place for you to be until you could be placed with your parents, like it was meant to be.

How could you miss your natural family--you never met them!

Well, you must have had a negative experience, because my brother's girlfriend's hairdresser was adopted and she loves it!

It doesn't really matter that you were given away, becuase you were adopted by parents who love you, and that's ALL that matters.

Maybe when you find your mother, she'll live in a trailer, and open the door with a beer and a cigarette!

Why can't you just get on with your life?

If you were adopted as a baby, you never knew the difference!

I don't think you should search, because your mother obviously didn't care about you, so why do you care about her?

How can you search when your adoptive parents have done so much for you?!

Do you really want to open that can of worms--if you search, you never know what you'll find!  BE CAREFUL!

Why can't you be satisfied?  You already have enough!

Who do you think you are?!

Adoptees are always so ANGRY!

I think adoption is BEAUTIFUL and SPECIAL.

I only have one mother--that's enough for me, why do you want two?!

But your parents changed your diapers, woke up at 3 in the morning, blah, blah, blah, aren't you GRATEFUL?

Someday I want to adopt too!