Adoptees...have you been "disowned" for any reason?

Question

Recently, I've read comments from other adoptees who've been disowned by one or both adoptive parents. One adoptee mentioned that she was disowned b/c she searched for her birth parents. Another wrote that she never really had a great relationship with her (a) father, and doesn't hear from him since her (a) mom passed away.

Have other adoptees been disowned - temporarily or permanently - by adoptive parent(s)? If so, what cause the riff? How did/do you feel about it? If you've reconciled, why & how?

I adored my (a) dad and was a "daddy's girl". Sadly, my (a) mom and I never really bonded, as much as I wanted and tried to. She had reluctantly agreed to my adoption. She was cruel & abusive (emotionally & physically) to me throughout my life. Two days after my father passed away, she left a message on my voice mail telling me "don't call here anymore". Basically, she "unadopted" me that day. That was almost 11 years ago.

Answer 1

Hi Robin,

I am so very sorry for what you endured at the hands of your adoptive mother.  It's very sad, and unfortunately, not an isolated case.

Although I was not "disowned" by adoptive parents, I'll throw in my two cents on those who would disown their children.  

It seems to me in that situation you mentioned in your question, it was not unconditional love they had for their children.  It was more of a case of "I will love you as long as you pretend I am your only family."

As to why, I suspect it has something to do with resurfacing of unresolved infertility issues.  The existence of natural family members might serve as a reminder to those adoptive parents that they did not give birth to their son/daughter.  Perhaps that gives them feelings of inadequacy.  If they have not properly resolved their grief surrounding those issues, it could still be painful for them many years later.  Instead of getting counselling, they might take it out on their adopted children.

Finally, they could be disowned due to a lack of understanding about what searching really means for an adoptee.  They could misinterpret it as a rejection of them when it's not.

It's difficult to understand adoptive parents who would disown their adult children, just as it's difficult to understand the ones who disrupt an adoption when the child is younger.  I would chalk it up to a combination of unrealistic expectations, poor screening at the agency, being ill prepared for adoptive parenthood, and perhaps putting their own needs above those of their adopted child.

It's very unfortunate when any of that happens.  Every child deserves a happy, safe home where they can be loved.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 2

I had a great relationship with my aparents.  Sadly my dad died when I was 21.  My mom remarried some years later.  Her new husband is a jerk.  He has encouraged my mom to cut ties with almost everyone who existed in her life before he did.  So, our estrangement is because of him, not my adoption.

Answer 3

My mother was adopted and she was in a similar situation. It is a very sad loss for everyone when this happens. There was never a reconciliation and mom accepted that there was nothing else she could do and forgiveness was the only way for her to go on without the sadness. When mom was dying we reflected on many life circumstances and I have to say that she had the best sense of humor about it when she said " well I guess that I will be finding out whatever I might have done wrong real soon" That said I knew she had found a place for that emotional pain a long time before.

Good luck to you in this very difficult situation.

Answer 4

I have heard a lot about the adopted child being disowned, but what about if the adopted child doesn't give their adoptive parent a chance.  My parents adopted three girls, who they loved very much.  Life wasn't quite exciting enough I guess so they moved on.  My parents said it was just like someone in their family died.  Since they left there hasn't been even a phone call to ask them how their doing.  Sometimes no matter how their treated and accepted, they can't accept anyone else into their lives.  I asked my mom if she felt that it was one of the biggest mistakes she had ever made, adopting the three, but she said that she would do it again if she thought it had made their lives any easier.  So please don't give the adoptive parents the bad rap, sometimes no matter what you do, they cannot love you!!

Answer 5

When my amom died her whole family distanced themselves from my brother and I. I was shamed for not spending every waking moment, outside of school, with my mother while she was in the hospital. I was far from absent but nothing I did was ever good enough for that side of my family. I had numerous extracurricular activities that were very important to me as well as two volunteer positions I adored. No matter that I was teaching disabled children to ride horses, no matter that I was a candy striper at two extended care facilities, no matter that I was pursuing an acting career, no matter that I was taking an advanced math program at the local university and no matter that I was pretty much raising my younger brother as well as looking after our household. All by 13. I was not good enough because I didn't devote my entire life to my mother. Now let me note that my mom was very proud of my accomplishments and supported me in everything I involved myself in. Her family thought that as an adoptee I owed her my very life and should have been at her beck and call 24/7. I was actually told I was an ingrate and a terrible daughter over this.

Every so often I would try to mend the rift and call a family member or two. Always the same tense conversation and preachy attitudes.  Six years ago I gave up. If they are so insane as to believe that any teen should give up their own life to take care of a sick parent then so be it. I gave up enough of my life caretaking and I will not look after this family's emotional needs as well.

Answer 6

I'm sorry to hear about your amom and what happened there.  I'm the one whose afather won't respond to me and whose amom passed away.  It was a lifelong strained relationship, so it didn't come as a total shock when it all fell through.  My afather isn't a really nice man, and he was rough not only on me, but on my amom and my younger abrother (who is their natural son.)  I know my amom felt torn between her husband and her children.  She often lied to him for us to protect us,  but at the same time she wanted to keep her marriage.  So, there was strain there.

Anyway, I still send cards to my adad on holidays.  He is remarried and I've never met his new wife.  He has never met my second husband, to whom I've been married for 7-1/2 years, so it's been a while that we've been estranged.  I have no idea what the future holds, but I've got a good life, so I just go from there.

I am reunited, but that happened some time after the estrangement from my afather, so there's no correlation there.

Answer 7

I am so very sorry to hear about what happened between your adoptive mother & you. It makes me feel very sad because I can truly relate.  I was adopted by my aunt, on my father's side. She & her husband adopted me when I was three years old. Just before I started school, I began to fear my uncle, who I called "daddy." He had piercing brown eyes, & was physically abusive to his  biological daughter, & to me. I feared him all of my life, some of which was instilled in me by my aunt. I never really ever felt loved,  by either. I always believed that it wasn't  my uncle's  idea to adopt me in the first place & wondered why they did. I later heard from an aunt, whom I adored, that a well known doctor in our town, told my aunt & uncle that if they didn't adopt me, he would. So, I wondered if that was the real reason they adopted me, to keep him from adopting me.  I don't ever remember my aunt & uncle telling me they loved me or were proud of me. I do remember my aunt getting upset with me when I was in junior high school, & she told me she was sorry she had adopted me & should have adopted one of my other siblings, who was adopted by her sister. That broke my heart & I never got over it. My aunt never apologized for saying that, so I know she meant it.  That took it's toll on me as I was growing up, & it really hit me as I became a teen.  I wasn't close to my parents & on top of that, their marriage was riddled with problems, so it took its toll on me as well. It's not easy to grow up in a home where your (a)parents aren't speaking for days on end. It was difficult, especially at meal time. I sat & ate in silence, afraid to speak. I grew up to be very insecure, no self confidence, or feelings of self worth. It took me many years to gain all that & in time I did, but it didn't come easy. People always think that adopted children really have it made, but I didn't. No bed of roses for me. After I married, had children, & moved away, I grew to hate the thoughts of my (a) parents coming to visit. It was never warm & fun. After my (a) father died, I spent less time with my (a) mother. She got upset with me because I wouldn't take her side in a family arguement, so fourteen years went by & she never called or returned mine, never saw my three sons, or remembered their birthdays, holidays, etc. They are both deceased now. My aunt died three years ago, & I hadn't spoken to her for those fourteen years.  I never cryed, nor did I cry when my (a) father died. I couldn't fake what wasn't there. I feel a sense of relief that they are gone. If that sounds cruel, I'm sorry, but it's how I feel.Sorry this is so long but I've kept this inside for so long. Thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts.