Adoptees how do you deal with relationships? OPEN TO EVERYONE?

Question

Okay.. I'm at an age where I want to meet someone and settle down. The thing is I have kept those close to me at an arm's length. I was so angry at my biological mother for choosing her drugs over me, for some reason I interputed that as rejecting me. So, growing up I got a warped thinking of if I love someone they will reject me, because my mother rejected me. I realize now that I wasted some time in keeping people at arm's length. I'm now coming out of my shell in the past 2-3 years. However, it's still a struggle because this type of thinking is so ingrained in me.----- I was just wondering if anyone else dealt with issues in being in relationships either with dating, friendships or family. Please be respectful in your answers. Thanks!

Answer 1

Why in the world would you think that this only happens to adoptees? If you are going to heal, you need to join the real world and reality.

Answer 2

hi healing... i really wish you the best in your journey to find a life-partner...

although i am not an adoptee, i dated a young man who is.  out of privacy, i never posted about his experience, yet i do think it's relevant here.

he really dealt with a great deal of attachment issues.  his emotions ranged from dependent to detached.  although he loves his adoptive mom, he was very bitter towards her because of her unrealistic expectations on how best he should live his life.  that even carried over into his dating life.

at one point, he would lie to her about sleeping in the same room as me because she told him, "i didn't save you from a patty patch (he's from vietnam, born in the baby scoop/vietnam war era) to make a whole bunch of b*****d kids..."

later, i found out that he'd disclosed very personal things about our relationship; including the fact that we at one point thought we were pregnant. she flipped on him and started in with the "patty patch" song and dance.

the end of our relationship came when he simply chose to not come home anymore and applied to a college 200 miles away from us. he did this to "please his mother."

several years later, we met on-line.  he'd told me that his subsequent relationships were equally as turbulent. when i told him that i didn't see where we could be together again, (i'd moved for grad school by this time) he became suicidal; and admitted that i was the only person he'd been able to connect to and now i'm throwing him away like his bmom did. at that point, i suggested  he enter therapy.  

the root of his inability to commit juxtaposed with his overly clingy behavior was his loss of identity from his adoption.

when i read the stories of adoptees who struggle with their identity and relationships, i always think of s*.  although i know that we can never be together again--even as friends--i do think about him often and hope he's doing well.

the advice i would give you is to take your time, make sure you are looking for a partner to not "complete" you, but compliment you. and by all means, make sure the person is sensitive to adoption issues.

best of luck! ;-)

i really recommend that you check out the adoptadoptees.org site. there is a lot of useful info and other adult adoptees that might be helpful to you.

Answer 3

um...the same as everyone else?  These kinds of questions always make me laugh...and p**s me off at the same time.

The one questions that made me go "HUNH?" as a kid was..."how does it feel to be adopted"  well, I guess the same as not being adopted!  How would I know, I'm fricken adopted????!!!!

So,  to ask me as an adoptee how do I deal with relationships as opposed to a, what , 'regular' person?

I have the same hangups that I hear about from non-adopted people.  I've been dumped, I've dumped others.  I've been cheated on, I've cheated.  I love fiercely.  Am I normal?

Answer 4

Everyone is scared of rejection adoption or otherwise, I was a product of rape, yeah that makes me feel just dandy about how i came about.  But realizing that pushing everyone away just hinders you in the end. I thought my adoption went pretty well, but still there will always be a part of me that wonders why. If this is a major problem in your life and you realize that it is a major problem I would suggest you get help.  Adoption support groups, counseling, you would be amazed just talking to people that have the same feelings and understandings will do to your soul.

Good luck

Answer 5

I think the secret lies in learning to love and accept yourself, and have trust in yourself.  I know it sounds kind of cliche-ey but until I was able to do this myself, I was in one failed relationship after another after another.  

Once I was able to really know myself and love me for me, without feeling like I had to depend on anyone else for my happiness, was I able to have a successful relationship...and we've been together for 15 years, with our 10th wedding anniversary coming up this May.  

Friendships...that's a different story.  I've never been one of those "popular" people who has tonse of friends; but the few friends I do have are strong friendships.  I don't trust easily, I don't like to "let my guard down" so to speak, and open up with people outisde of my comfort zone.  I've always been horribly shy and afraid that people won't accept me.

That is something I'm still working on and will probably never really get past, but you know I'm satsified with the friendships I have, I don't need 100 friends to feel whole, because to me it's not the quantity but the quality (yeah another cliche lol).

But there's truth to it.

Answer 6

I am in the same situation, serious.

I'm eighteen though and i've had a boyfriend for 3 years now, and it's been wonderful.

Don't worry, your mom may have left you but you know what? It was so you could have a better life without that stuff. You would have been sucked into her problems. It's best she's out of your life.

Answer 7

It seems a great many people have a fear of intimacy to some degree.  No one likes rejection.  The relinquished people I know (whether adopted or not) seem to have particular difficulties in this area.  It's pretty hard to trust and feel safe in relationships anyway, but I think that we always fear that people can change their minds in a heartbeat, and that this fear is quite on the surface for us.  No matter the circumstances of our relinquishments, even if we truly believe our natural parents did it out of love, there is always some feeling of rejection for many of us.  For example, I often felt that since my natural parents believed they didn't have what it took to properly raise me, why couldn't they find a way to get it together enough to do so?  Didn't they love me enough to try harder?  As illogical as it may seem based on the reality of their situations, this kind of thinking often formed for me.  

It really affected my relationships.  I would often choose men who weren't going to be able to provide stability in a relationship.  I would then fearfully and angrily attempt to get them to love me enough to change that inability.  I did this several times before finally getting into therapy to deal with it.  It's improved a lot, but I don't know that I'll ever be completely rid of it.  My awareness of it and what it's about does allow me to choose better ways of handling these fears if and when they come up.

As a side note, you did remind me of a situation with a friend of mine who is adopted.  Her adoptive parents are alcoholics.  She began therapy to help her deal with it.  At one point she had her parents join in a session so that she could tell them that she needed to distance herself if they continued drinking, because it was too hard on her.  She asked if they would try getting sober so they could stay close as a family.  Her parents point blank, in front of the counselor, both said that they were going to keep drinking, even if it meant distance from her.  Sad.

Answer 8

Just wanted to say good luck on your path to healthy relationships.  You deserve it!

Answer 9

You're not unique.

Some people lose thier parents to jobs, affairs, or simple neglect.

Look at it this way, be glad your mom had the good sense to give you up, and not put you through continuous h**l living with an addict.

Answer 10

Hey, I know what you mean.  I've never forgiven my birth mother for abandoning me and every relationship i've ever had has been based on this feeling of abandonment.  I've predicted the people i love leaving me so well that i've pushed them away at the same time.  

You've done the hard part though, you've realised you've a problem.  Get some help to work through your issues and try to live in the now rather than the past.  Question your inner critic, does that reaction really come from that situation or from something you've created.... you'll find it easier to notice as you go on.  I can recommend a heap of books i've found useful feel free to contact me.

Answer 11

did you know many many adoptees have attachment issues? i didnt until i came here to y!a. i thought i was just weird. but many of us find ourselves putting up walls around ourselves. i have the hardest time trusting people. i keep everyone at arms length too. you are not alone.

i never felt rejected by my biofamily. i figured they had a good reason for giving me up. and i was ok with that. so the it wasnt hostility that fueled me. i dont have an explaination for it.

there were many reasons i was placed for adoption. i harbor no issues about this, but somewhere in my mind i feel the need to protect myself. it has cost me friends and a husband. but i moved on. i now realize alot of the problems start with me. and i am much more aware of what i am doing.

dont let someone elses decision dictate your life. you had no say, it sounds like you actually ended up better off, addiction is a horrible thing and no child needs to be a part of that. try not to be angry any more. it will eat you alive for no reason. you had no say in it. dont punish yourself for someone elses problelms. thats what you are doing, you are punishing yourself for your birthmothers issues. that is not your baggage to bear, its hers.

good luck on your evolution. i hope you emerge as a butterfly soon.

Answer 12

My experience seems to be quite different than most of the posters here but are definitely related to my adoption.  

I never felt abandoned or rejected, but I definitely always felt as if I was going to have to take care of myself or do things for myself.  I am actually quite surprised to hear that many adoptees have trouble trusting others...it is just so completely clear to me that you can only depend upon yourself.  I never try to impress/convince others to like me.  I figure they either do or they don't; no use trying to change other peoples' minds.  I find it next to impossible to give people second chances; walking away without even looking back is quite easy for me.  

Many people who know me say that they admire my strength and decisiveness.  Maybe that is how others see it.  I don't feel strong.  And I don't feel as though I have made these decisions for myself.

Answer 13

yes and i have it bad. out of my family the only person i was able to bond with was my a aunt. so when she died i started hating everybody and everything. last year i got a boyfriend. i think i fell in love with him because i couldn't just have him for myself. funny thing is i didn't want him to myself either. i broke up with him about 2 or 3 months ago and he still comes over and we still act the same. only difference is now i see him once a month as opposed to every day.

Now my best frined that introduced me to him is now my simi girlfriend. i'm in love with her too but again i don't want to have a relationship with her. neither one of us seem to be able to stay committed but we are both drawn to each ther. I just don't think i can handle a relationship subconsiously i flake out really fast.

Answer 14

I have no idea how I managed to stay with the same man for 16 years once, but I did.  It may have been because he was a very dependent type and would put up with my mixed signals.

I have always had a habit of ending the relationship before the other party could leave me, and I am currently in a relationship with a guy I hold so far at arm's length it's not even funny--in fact, I chose him in part because he lives 750 miles away from me and I only have to deal with him every month or two.  I worry about myself sometimes.

I don't think this is unusual for adoptees.  Verrier's book Coming Home to Self might be of some help.