Adoptees... how do you feel about adoptive moms breastfeeding their babies?

Question

Adoptees... how do you feel about adoptive moms breastfeeding their babies?

Answer 1

I have bio children and also a daughter who came to our family through adoption.  I will be honest, before we adopted, I thought it was pretty horrible to think of someone feeding a baby that they hadn't given birth to.  I also didn't think it was possible, but discovered it is.  However, when I first held my baby girl in my arms I literally ached to feed her and have that close bond with her, but she had been bottle-fed from birth and it would have been really selfish of me to even attempt it.  I used to curl up with her in a chair and rock her in my arms, holding her close to me while she fell asleep.  She also had a skin problem when she was a baby, and I would massage her with baby oil, which she loved - it helped us to bond beautifully and have that intimacy and closeness that I missed through not breastfeeding.

I am reminded that not so long ago a wet nurse was pretty common place.  A wet-nurse being one who came in and breast-fed your baby for you!  Now that, I find kind of freaky lol.  I knew a dear old lady who is now sadly no longer with us, but she told me that when she had given birth to her son, she had so much milk she breast fed other women's babies in the hospital - particularly if they were struggling to breast-feed themselves.  

I don't think I ever could have done that!  However, I did experience that longing to feed my daughter, and it quite took my breath away actually - I wasn't expecting it!  However, I think this was mainly because I had experienced breastfeeding in the past.  Had that not been the case I think I would have been satisfied to bottle-feed.

Hope you didn't mind me answering your question - I'm not an adoptee.

Answer 2

HA HA it is hilarious that so many people are grossed out by it.  In the old days it was really common for women with a lot of money to hire wet nurses to breastfeed their children so that they didn't have to do it.  It was considered a status symbol not to breast feed your own child.  "Wow, she has a wet nurse, that is CLASSY".  It is amazing how perceptions change over time.  

I don't see anything wrong with it.

Answer 3

I think it is great if they can do it.  Breastmilk is best for the baby and it help form a more natural bond.  There is nothing "gross" about it.  However unless the adoptive mum has recently had a biological child it is not possible so in most cases formula is fine.

Answer 4

I know you asked this of adoptees, but I'm going to answer anyway. I'm an adoptive mother and I think breastfeeding an adopted child is creepy. I don't know why, but if I had adopted my son when he was younger (he was 2-1/2 when we adopted him), I wouldn't have breastfed him. I think it's weird.

Answer 5

If only more of them would do it . . . .

I can't believe how many people are so grossed out by this.  It's normal human behavior.  It's what adoptive mothers have done since time began.  Who would be grossed by that?  Especially people who otherwise think breastfeeding is good.

Hey tish, Women don't use hormones to start lactation, we use herbs.  The cows used to make formula are stuffed full of hormones, antibiotics and fed a diet that is not what nature intended.  She is so gooned up that she will not live half as long as she should.  You're right, though.  No baby should have to eat milk that is full of hormones and processed by machines.  That's why breastfeeding is so cool--no drugs, no machines, no contamination.

Tish, I stand by what I said.  I assume it's OK to call you out since you did the same.  Herbs that are used to help with lactation are not narcotics.  They're plants that happen to help with milk making, likely because of the placebo effect.  The hormones given to cows to make them produce freakish amounts of milk are serious drugs that are passed along into the milk and have been blamed for the epidemic of girls who start their periods extremely early.  There are plenty of researchers who guess that a joint every now and then probably won't hurt baby, but the actual research is illegal, immoral and unethical.  I'm not sure why you would think to compare Fenugreek seed (which is used to provide flavoring to pancake syrup) to marijuana, but I have never touched weed, so I don't know.

Why is nursing the fun part?  I think making the baby is the fun part, some women think being pregnant is the best part (but don't listen to them;they're nuts) and some think that all the cuddling is the best part.  Who the h**l thinks that hours spent pumping and washing the supplementer is the fun part?  I had a friend who wanted to relactate, and it's very hard work!  I guarantee that most adoptive breastfeeding moms do not induce lactation for the prestige.  I never thought that bulky nursing pads and awkward nursing bras were all that glamourous, I just did what was best for my baby.

Answer 6

I think it helps to create a bond between the new mom and baby as well as help provide immunity's needed at that age.   If it can be done the go for it.

Answer 7

I don't have any adopted children, though it's something my husband and I are interested in someday.

As for breastfeeding a child I didn't give birth to, I have NO problem with that.  I've done it.  It was only the one time, but I'd do it again for anyone.  My good friend had twin girls, and they were so tiny; she had just come home from the hospital, was waiting for her milk to come charging in, and was scared it was their latch.  We were on our own, so I came over and offered to check their latch the best way I knew how (hey, I'm not an IBCLC yet!! lol).  She didn't mind at all, and I nursed each girl for a few minutes.  It was very sweet.  They are now strong and breastfed at 9 months!  :)

I'm sure back in the day I would have been the village wet nurse!!  ha ha

Answer 8

I'm not an adoptee, but the thought of that grosses me out. Seems kinda physco and creepy on the part of the adoptive parent. ICK!

Answer 9

Nauseated.  I'm so grateful my amom didn't know about this. I'm sure she would have tried it and then told me all about it as I grew up...then I would have had to live with that sickening picture seared into my mind for the rest of my life.  Thank goodness I don't.

ETA:  FIrst of all, she asked the question of ADOPTEES, not of AP's or any other random non-adoptee who just can't pass up the opportunity to say how wonderful breastfeeding is.

Second of all, she asked how we adoptees FEEL about this...not whether or not breastfeeding is good for a baby. This is not a debate about that, and it's A LOT more complicated then how most of you are looking at it.  There's a HUGE psychological component here that some of you are overlooking and cannot possibly understand...because YOU'RE NOT ADOPTED.

I am not against breastfeeding...I breastfed my children, but how I FEEL about adoptive mother's breastfeeding is that I'm sickened at the thought of an amom breastfeeding a baby that they adopted.  I think is incredibly disrespectful to the adoptee.  

An adopted baby has absolutely no say in the matter of being adopted, and has no control over what happens to them...and then to have a stranger who has adopted them insinuate themselves upon that baby by breastfeeding them is, in my opinion, incredibly intrusive and selfish on the part of the adopting mother.  

I am giving my feelings about this from my perspective as an adoptee.  If my amother had breastfed me I would be PISSED right now at her having forced her body on me, after I had just prior to that suffered the trauma of losing my first mother.  Furthermore, I hope that this is clear, UNLESS YOU HAVE LIVED BEING ADOPTED, YOUR OPINION ON THIS MATTER IS ABSOLUTELY MEANINGLESS.

Answer 10

Kinda icky.  I'm certainly glad my adoptive Mum didn't attempt that.  I believe it's done for the benefit of the adoptive parent, rather than for the good of the child :(

I do believe in breastfeeding - I nursed my three for many months, but they came from my body and my milk was made just for them, naturally.

Answer 11

Dear Mrs. Mama,

I just wanted to say that as a First Mother; I would NOT have given my child to a woman who I knew intended to breastfeed. This is something that should be discussed by the APs and FPs PRIOR to an adoption.

IMO, if an AP REALLY wants the child to be breastmilk fed, it seems cruel, selfish and wasteful to me to not allow the FM to breastfeed or donate the milk produced for the baby by its biological mother.

Also, I would like to point out that the colostrum, the yellowish fluid which is produced for the first few days before milk flow truely begins, is the part filled with the majority of the antibodies and nutrients that  are the most beneficial to the infant is long gone (due to the pumping needed to produce milk flow) by the time an AP receives the child.

ETA: Possum, I did feel like I was intruding a bit on this one but I think FMs should DEFINATELY have a say on this issue also!  For me, it would have made a difference as to if I would place with someone or not. No offense intended.

Answer 12

I am both an adoptee and also an adopted mom- and I knew that there were ways for me to lactate- however I never thought it was necessary for me to do this, and my children were healthy babies, and so was I.  I of course would never condemn an adoptive mom from desire to try , if she chose too- but I don't think I missed out on anything as a baby or a mom.

Answer 13

it's normal, I guess

Answer 14

I'm an adoptive parent...  I don't feel either way about the issue... I read about it when I was considering adopting and decided not to do it.  

My son came from a foster family and was on a soy formula, so I continued with that.

Answer 15

I wasn't adopted, but I'll answer anyway if that's okay :).

I wasn't breastfed by my mom.  I love her to pieces, she's the best mom ever.  I would however have been so grateful if she had nursed me.  It would have made a great difference to my health.  

If I was adopted and my adoptive mom nursed me, I would be more than twice as grateful.  What a wonderful thing to do, to breastfeed your adopted child.  Breastfeeding can be difficult, but relactating is  A LOT of work.  How could I not appreciate that?  Thriving on her own milk, would create a bond between us  like no other. A mom who fed with her own milk is just as well my biological mother as one who carried me in her womb.

Women that do this, are angels in disguise, and I have nothing but absolute respect and admiration for them.

Like Belinda said, adoptive mothers have been doing this since the beginning of time.  And when formula wasn't around, it was almost the norm.

Edit: Tish, you don't require hormones to induce lactation, just stimulation.  And mothers who have a low supply feed their babies formula through a tube that's attached to their nipple, so they get stimulation to increase supply.  Why should an adopted mother be different?  And no woman nurses for her own satisfaction.  It is always for the benefit of the child.  Nursing is hard work.  Induced lactation is more than twice as hard.  It is a selfless act.  And the only satisfaction a mother gets from it, is by knowing she's providing her child with the best nutrition.

Edit: So many thumbs down when people are just expressing their opinion?  I wonder why there's so much hatred.

Stacey, I agree with you.  It is love that makes the bond.  But breastfeeding releases hormones that make it stronger.  That doesn't mean that a mom who formula feeds doesn't have a bond with her child.  I have a really strong bond with my mom who never breastfed me.

I also don't think adoptive moms should be made to feel bad if they don't breastfeed.  Like I said, induced lactation is not easy.  I just think the ones that do, should be aplauded.  And not criticized for doing something selfish.

Answer 16

I'm an adoptee, and I guess it really doesn't matter to me either way.  I would hope no one would look down on an adoptive mother who chose not to breastfeed.  Some people seem to think that if you care about a child enough, you would try it.  I think the adoptive mother should do what's best for her and her situation, just as I believe a woman who gives birth to the baby should do what's best for her situation.

I guess I have a hard time understanding "bonding."  To me, bonding happens because of love and nurturing, not how the baby was fed.  I've also read about attachment issues for adoptees because they are away from their fmoms. If I have attachment issues, I am not aware of them.  I have a biological daughter, and I still say that's it's love that makes the bond.

Answer 17

Repulsed.

Answer 18

I find it odd the responses that have been given so far.  It makes me wonder what kind of society we have turned into.  For years, if a mother was not able to breast feed, she got a wet nurse.  I don't think that this question is very different, in that it gets to the point of breast feeding someone else's baby.  Why is that icky?

I am adopted, and I wish my adoptive mother had the opportunity to breast feed me.  I do believe that breast feeding is MUCH healthier for the baby, gives the baby immunities, and helps a stronger bond develop.

Answer 19

Really - YUCK.

Most adoptive parents want to do this more for themselves - than for the child.

If I had found out my adoptive mother had breastfed me - I would have been very freaked out.

YUCK.

I was bottle fed - and have always been healthy.

(and formula's have been improved greatly in the last 38 yrs)

AP's just want this as a bonding thing for them.

The child just wants the mother he/she grew inside of.

YUCK.

(love how most of your answers are from non-adoptees)

Answer 20

I think it's great if they can do it. It's healthy for the baby in so many ways. Healthy for the mom, too.

I don't think it should be pressed as being the "norm" to adoptive parents. I don't think adoptive mothers should be made to feel like less of a mother if they opt to not try to lactate (or try and are unable to) and formula feed instead.

I know a lot of formula feeding bio moms feel that people look down on them for it (and some people do). I wouldn't want that attitude to extend into adoption.

I don't know where I'm going with this...It's wonderful if possible.

Answer 21

eww..

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

ETA: [bolded for emphasis so that people stop confusing the two]: WETNURSING AND NURSING A BABY FOR NURISHMENT ARE DIFFERENT!!! what is being discussed here is the act of sticking tubes on ones t!ts and pumping oneself full of hormones so that one can  buy trendy slings, wear nursing bras and "play nursing mommy."  this has NOTHING to do with the child.

BTW...babies bond without being forced to suck on the b***s of a woman who most times is feeding them formula through a tube!!!! eww... again.

most who are against this practice HAVE NURSED THEIR OWN CHILDREN AND SUPPORT BREASTFEEDING AND WETNURSING! yet, understand that this behavior is about self-gratification and entitlement.  (eg. "i should be able to do everything that a mother who physically gave birth can do!" minus the bleeding, hemorrhoids, stitches and other "nasty" stuff.)

i commend the amoms who realized that adoption is about PARENTING...not attempting to co-opt a pregnancy/lacating experience.

i also find it interesting that those who are so "rah rah rah" about abreast feeding, are not willing to allow the fmom to nurse nor donate milk.  yeah...it's all about the baby...

ps.. i like your icon

ETA: belinda... herbs not drugs???? so i guess i should smoke weed too, since it's an herb, right?  btw, what exactly do these "herbs do???"  oh.. they stimulate a biochemical reaction...eg..they act as a hormone!

chole.."mother[s] who have a low supply feed their babies formula through a tube that'sattached to their nipple, so they get stimulation to increase supply. Why should an adopted mother be different?"

because a woman with a low milk supply NATURALLY LACATED!  she didn't take a bunch of ...whatever... to make milk flow. h**l, i have a question:  why is it that some amoms only want the "fun" parts that birthing mothers experience???  wanna take my impending pelvic floor surgury also, since adoptive moms should be able to do whatever birthing mothers do???  

the bottom line is this: adoptive parenting is about P.A.R.E.N.T.IN.G.!!!  all of this artifical co-opting of pregnancy and lacating experiences is stank!  

please don't insult my intelligence, ladies.  it annoys me.  simply thumb me down...report me or whatever...

belinda: you're right..i'm wrong. you win... i quit.  

sorry...my lactating hormones are making me snarky.

Answer 22

I think giving a bottle of formula with added hormones is as unhealthy as what your suggesting. They are not guinea pigs and trying to "trick" a child into bonding with an a-mom is twisted and wrong.