Adoptees...how do you feel on your birthday?

Question

This is a serious question and I'm honestly not trying to stir up trouble. My son will be 7 in a few days and at this point he doesn't ask much about his birth family. He knows he was adopted and we talk openly about his birth mother and former foster parents whenever the topic arises, but he rarely mentions any of them. I know from research and foster care preparation that birthdays can be traumatic for the adopted child as well as for the birth mother.

Can you tell me how you feel on your birthday? I know some of you have had good adoption experiences and others have not. I'm interested in finding out how you celebrate your birthday, whether it's with family or not, and whatever else you might want to share. I think it would help me to be more understanding if my son has similar feelings on his birthdays.

Many mahalos! :)

Answer 1

As a very young child I didn't think on the subject much. When I entered my teen years it was a very different story. I stopped wanting to spend my birthday with family, though I never let on to them. I would go to the library and search the classified ads in every newspaper they carried. I would sneak into the safe late at night and read my adoption file, until my dad changed the combination when I was 15. I cried and listened to mopey, sappy music. I wondered if she was thinking about me.

Now that we are reunited it is far easier for me. I have someone to talk to about that fateful day. My questions have answers and I feel whole. I don't have to tiptoe around the topic of my birth anymore, there is finally another person to share it with. Someone else who was there for it.

Answer 2

I never thought a whole lot about my adoptive status on my birthday, but I know my adoptive mother did.  She told me once that on every one of my birthdays she wondered if my natural parents thought of me.  She was angry with them for not taking care of me.  (No, that didn't mean she wasn't glad to have me.  I think you can feel both ways at the same time.)  

I was not relinquished at birth.  I actually spent the first 13 months with my natural parents, then some months in foster care and adopted by age 2.  So, my birthday wasn't the day I was separated from my natural family.  

I'd say that I thought more about being adopted as I started through my adult years.  I'm reunited now, and my natural family is a part of my birthdays.

As far as a "gotcha" or "adoption" day, I would not have liked it very much.  I really didn't like having a big deal made of my being adopted.  I always knew I was adopted and my adoptive parents always shared what they knew with me, but I also knew that in a perfect world, adoption wouldn't be necessary.

Answer 3

My adoptive parents had no idea how hard my birthday was on me.  I always put on a good face for them.  I knew they meant well, and I didn't want to upset them.

My birthday was always the hardest day of the year.  Everyone wanted to celebrate it but me.  I always knew that something was wrong on that day.  No one who wanted to celebrate had been there, had been really involved with my birth.  I wanted to mourn.  (Indeed, when I got older, I would hide from people all day, just so I didn't have to deal with anything.)  But mourning wasn't allowed.  Everyone else thought it was a happy time.  But for me, it wasn't.

If someone had suggested celebrating my "Gotcha Day," I would have been horrified.  I cannot imagine a more insensitive thing to suggest.  I would understand if my adoptive parents would feel like they wanted to celebrate, but I certainly would have made to feel more isolated by underscoring the difference between me and my siblings.  I'm thankful my aparents never did that.

Your son may be fine with celebrating his birthday.  But I would ask him what he wanted to do, how he felt about it.  He will likely be able to guide you.

Answer 4

When I was a kid, I really didn't think about my "birth" mom. I celebrated my birthdays & had as much fun as anyone.  I've never had a problem around my birthday.  In fact, fall is one of my favorite times of year, because it starts off with my birthday, followed by Halloween, then flows into the holiday season....

Take cues from your son.  Always keep the subject of his birth family open & allow him to talk about it whenever he wants.  But you don't necessarily need to bring  up the topic unless he does.  Nor do you need to avoid it.  The most important thing is that he feels free to talk.  And he knows that YOU won't be hurt if he talks about it.  

I'd suggest celebrating his birthday like any other 7 year old.  With friends, with family.  

Good luck!

Answer 5

I feel like it's any other day personally.  But that's not because of some deep-seated feeling towards my adoption....but rather a function of just getting older.  I'm 32 and at this point, birthdays just aren't a huge deal to me.  It seems after 21, there aren't any "big ones" until you hit 40. :)  Still, my husband does all the traditional things....we celebrate, we go out to eat, he makes a fuss over me, and I get presents from my family plus phone calls.  It's a nice day.

The funny thing?  My birthday is not my actual birth date.  Because I was simply dropped off at an orphanage, they had to guess at my true age and birth date.  I joke with my husband that he could really be married to a 25 year old!!! :) ha ha!!

Answer 6

As a kid, I thought about bparents a lot the days leading up to my birthday and the days afterward...but I was always too busy having fun on my birthday to remember to think about them...and I always felt guilty that I had forgotten to think of bparents on THE day that so connected us.  I always wondered if they thought about me.

Certainly, this issue will be different for everyone, and different throughout the many stages of life.  Since you are the parent, I really think that it is your job to bring up the topics of conversation that are relevant.  Kids won't ask unless they are sure that you are comfortable answering...and not just about adoption.

Answer 7

I never had a problem on my birthday- a matter of fact , it made me thank God even more that my birth mom, chose life so I could celebrate my birth.  I have 2 adopted kids, and they seem fine on their birth days. If I had not been adopted and wound up in foster care for awhile, things may have been different. I am thankful for my birth-

Answer 8

My birthday is an normal day... I feel happy that I'm older, but disturbed that I had to be given up at such a young age.. I was adopted at the age of 4 months old..  I don't hold any gruges against my biological family, I even talk to my biological father on my birthday... h**l, he still calls me his "Princess" everybody who is adopted is and will act differently on their birthday... All depends on how it was spent the year before last.

Answer 9

I feel fine on my birthdays I always have. I never like was depressed on my birthday. As far as what I do typical just go out to dinner somewhere with family.  I really don’t make a big deal out of my birthday it just another year gone by.  My birthday was the one day when I was younger that I would think of birthmother but I wouldn’t be thinking about her all day on my birthday. I just have a few thoughts wonder if she remembers me etc. Then I’d move on and just enjoy my day. As I’ve gotten older time just seems to fly by and it really just seems like any other day. I don’t feel any different the day before my birthday, then I do that day after my birthday. I don’t feel older or anything. Just another year has passed.  A day for gifts and well wishes.

Answer 10

LOL..I have never in my life thought about the fact I'm adopted on my birthday.  I don't even remember it being in my head much at all as a child, or even a teen.  I think I've noticed it more since I turned 30 for some reason...or maybe 35.  It honestly never bothered me.  Its the same as me saying I have blue eyes or brown hair..I'm adopted.

Answer 11

i entered the foster care system when i was 9 and my 10th and 11th birthdays were hard for me but now im 15 and i dont really think about my bio mom as much cause i see her only 2 times a year (because of the law) but i have other bio family that i see quite often and especially on my b-day.i also celebrate a gotcha day with my fam and that is like a second bday or even christmas.

PS im getting adopted in january!

Answer 12

GREAT!!! ..... now. when i was a tween i didn't really hate but just didn't like the fact that these new people were trying to make me feel at home, I knew it was not my home because i knew my mummy up to i was 7 and taken away from her. It wasn't until a wonderful woman at age 13 brought my real parents to the birthday celebration and talked about why i was here. it made me understand everything and then i started to LOVE my parties!

Answer 13

Hello, I was placed into the foster care system as soon as I was born.  I am 38 and currently in the process of adopting my second foster child.  Birthdays were no different for me then any other day.  You have done your part with letting him know that he is adopted.  I don't think that I really understood until about the 5th grade.

If you feel that you and your child have a good relationship then don't feel rejected if your child wants to locate his birth parents and siblings.  I personally did not care to meet my birth parents but was interested in any siblings and my family history/medical.  I was gratefull that my birth parents gave me up for adoption since they were not in a position to take good care of me.

Answer 14

As far as i can see you are doing a really good job being a mum, telling your son about his birth family and all should be mandatory, i reckon if my mum did that with me i wouldnt have went off the rails in my teen years

I was adopted at 6months, im geussing you have had your son from the early stages aswell

I never thought about it at that age and all the other people i have met who are adopted have said they started getting curious when they started academy

Thats when birthdays began to get hard for me

I thought, whats my mum thinking right now

Is she thinking about me

I thought why didnt she want me and all

I wish i had my mum there to tell me the answers to these things and give me comfort on my birthday

Its good that you have picked up on how your son might feel

Lots of love and reasurence that even though he didnt grow in your tummy for 9months your still his real mum since you brought him up

Im sure he has alot of this so far

Hopefully hel be too busy playing with his new toys than to think about that just yet

Answer 15

I am the adoptive parent of at 28 year old daughter.  Birthdays were never an issue and she never brought up her biological mother at that time.  There were other specific times that she brought up her biological mother--usually when she was mad at me, lol-- but never on her birthday.

You know, I don't think I'd make a big deal of his biological or foster family or even his adoption.  That's not the big deal.  The big deal is that he has a family now who loves him.  You can also celebrate "Gotcha Day" or "Adoption Day",  the day you brought him to your home.  Our daughter was 13 days old when we Got Her.  Remind him how happy you all were when he came to live with you and how much you love him and will always love him.

Answer 16

My husband was an adopted child since he was born and he knew that,so he is always bad humor and in his b-day he feels bad he is always witha ugly face in the pic's.

i give him all the love i can,but he just can change the way he is..

Answer 17

I really don't think about it on my birthday. Sometimes I'll think about when I wonder what nationality I am. Otherwise, I'm fine now. I used to stress over who my "birth mother" was when I was younger and what she looks like. My adoptive mom has always been very caring and supportive. She is wonderful and the only mother I know.

Answer 18

I'm adopted and my birthday isnt bad at all. I dont know why it woyld be traumatic, but its not for me. i think of it has a time i was born. I dont do anything anymore, now that im 16. but i like getting one year older

Answer 19

I feel SO grateful to have been adopted by such wonderful people. Mine was a closed adoption so I have no information about my birth family at all. On my birthday I wonder if they ever remember me.

Answer 20

Hello,

My birthday has been the worst day during many years, I had only one question in my mind "Does my biological mother think about me, in this special day ?"

Now I'm 30 years old, and I've found my biological parents for few months agos, and my mother doesn't want to meet me, so I can imagine that she doesn't care about my birth date.

(i've got to tell that I'm french, and you know how french people are bad at english...)

Answer 21

Wow!  Go you!  I admire you for asking this, and I hope my answer is helpful in some way.  You're on the right track in talking to your son about his former families openly and often.  I can't tell you how impressed I am by that.

I had a wonderful adoption, but my birthday still depresses me--sometimes for two or three weeks.  I don't really celebrate it at all these days, but when I lived with my a'parents we celebrated it pretty much as if I were my a'parents' natural child.  There was no mention of where I came from at all.  

Way to do your research!

Answer 22

I guess it is funny, but I don't remember thinking about my adoption on my birthdays.  I thought about it whenever I started wishing I wasn't an "only child"; I knew I had a half brother somewhere.  I thought about it when kids were discussing their ancestry - I didn't know mine.  I thought about it when the doctor asked about the family medical history - I didn't know it.

I am grateful to my birth mother for allowing me to be adopted.  I was being raised by her aunt, who had an alcoholic husband.  Instead I was adopted by parents who hadn't been able to have children.

I don't think an adoptee's birthday should be a big deal.  If he/she is secure in your love, then birthdays should be happy days to celebrate being a year older.  

When your son is older, please allow him to find out all he wishes to about his birth parents.  It's no fun feeling different because you don't know about your ancestry, or your medical history.  It's no fun when you can't recognize features in your self or your children that came from parents or grandparents.  

I am very grateful that I was adopted, and not raised in a troubled home, or aborted.  I must focus on the good side of being adopted, not the negitive.  Always try to focus on the positives with your son.  

I'm glad you let him know he is adopted.  I have known two teens who went off the deep end when they found out as teens that they were adopted.  That's the worst possible time to find out, when you just want to be like everyone else, and suddenly find out you are not who you think you are.

Answer 23

As a child, I never gave much thought to being adopted or my natural parents on my birthdays, except perhaps fleetingly.  I usually enjoyed my birthday and looked forward to the cake and presents, etc.

As I got into my teens, I began to care less and less about celebrating my birthday.  This continued into adulthood until I began to have an aversion to celebrating my birthday.  I didn't really know why at the time, but now I think that I was   suppressing my feeling about being adopted and my birthday made that more difficult.  

Now, I do think about my natural parents and actually feel more compelled to contact my natural mom on my birthday more than my adoptive parents.  I still hate 'celebrating' my birthday, because I don't feel like it was a very happy day for me.