Adoptees in reunion: Do your adoptive parents know?

Question

I have met quite a few adoptees online and IRL who are in reunion with their biological families but have not let their adoptive parents know they have found them. I let my adoptive parents know I had found my nfamily within hours of my discovery.

I guess i would like to know the reasoning behind telling or not telling your adoptive family about your reunion.

Thanks.

Answer 1

I would not even begin to look for my birth parents while my adoptive mom is still living.  I know this would break her heart.  She has told me so.  I have considered finding my medical information but not a person.  I am not even sure that is possible but it would be very helpful to me and to my children.  

I was born and adopted in the dark ages where very limited information only was given.

Answer 2

It is a unique situation for each person, but the overall belief is that secrets (especially in adoption) hurt.  Share this info with your adoptive parents in a loving and non threatening way.  Unless you have a terrible relaltionship with them, (it happens in all kinds of families!).  It is about respect, and honoring them and your journey, and yourself.

Answer 3

You might not want to read my answer.

I did tell my adoptive parents when I searched and found my first parents. They were furious. Nothing I said or did helped. They cut off all contact and disowned me.

Still, it was the truth. Honesty is the best policy.

Answer 4

At first i didn't tell my adoptive parents because i was scared of what they would say or weather it would hurt their feelings that i was searching for them but then my real parents talked me into telling them and it was sort of OK after that.

Answer 5

Congratulations, and i commend you for going through with it.many don't want to tell their adoptive parents that they are considering it because they will talk them out of it.they are jealous.i truly wish many other adoptees would try to find their's.

Answer 6

I very nearly did not tell my adoptive family.  I think much of this depends greatly on the relationship between adoptee and adoptive parents.  

My adoptive parents seem to have a great deal of competition between them for their children's affection.  This has long been a dance in my family.  Constantly not talking about one parent to the other.  

I thought the introduction of more parents into this mix would simply add to the mess and hurt feelings.  So I kept my mouth shut throughout most of my search.  

Just before I found my first mother, I told my adoptive parents about my search.  They were both okay with it, and seem to be to this day.  I realized I couldn't keep something this important hidden.  I hoped that they would handle it, and so far they have.  But I also realized that it wasn't my job to protect them from me and my feelings.  I hoped that they could continue to accept me.  I simply came to realize that if they couldn't, that was their problem.  I'm glad it didn't come to that.

Answer 7

It was interesting in my life- my adopted son just turned 19 and on his 18th birthday we got a call from the attorney's office that we adopted through, and they had been contacted by his birth family, so it was us who told our son- and by the way, he is flying to visit them for a month, even as I write this. For your friends, I would have them tell their adopted families eventually.

Answer 8

I told my mother and father about my birth mother and family.

I think that you would hav to tell them and be honest and open about it all with them. You have to consider their feelings too and if they were understanding (like my mam and dad) then they would be supportive of you.

your adoptive parents ARE you parents, they have baught you up, loved you and cared for you. To them, you ARE their child.

Its only right that their feelings are considered. Could you imagine how hurt they would be if you just done it all without telling them?

My mother and father had NO reason to be jelous or anything like that.

At the end of the day, you cant replace your parents and anyone who thinks that they could just replace their mother from adoption as a baby, with the woman who gave birth to them, is just mental. (obviously depending on the circumstances)

Now where are my thimbs down? I seem to be getting alot of these, even if i do get people agreeing with what i am saying. mmmmm strange to think who the people doing that could be. oh i wonder

Answer 9

I would be heartbroken if my son didn't tell me he was searching for or in reunion with any of his birth family. I am trying to be as forthcoming as he can handle (he is 6) so I hope that he will feel comfortable with telling me if he decides to search in the future. I will even help him if he wants me to. Actually, this may not be an issue (him not telling me if he searches) because I plan to tell him when he's older that if he decides to search for his birth family, I will help him. I think he may need the support I can provide and I'd hate for him to feel like he has to lie to me. Searching seems like it's a natural part of life for many adoptees. I don't see why my son would *not* be curious as to where he came from.

Answer 10

Mine know, and have known for 20 years.

However, I know of adoptees who have NOT told their APs. Mostly because they do not want to deal with the emotional fallout that they believe their APs would put them through.

Adoptees get guilt trips, why can't you leave well enough alone, aren't you grateful, why is it so important to you, your adopted parents love you why isn't that enough, etc. etc.

It's hard enough to get the courage to search when most of the US has sealed records--some just can't take the extra 'trip' from they're 'loving' parents, too.

Answer 11

Yes, my adoptive family knows I found my first family.

My reason?  Children don't keep secrets well, and it is not fair to ask them to.  My son has a wonderful relationship with his "extra" grandma, and while we don't encourage him to talk about it in front of the mom who raised me, it is not a secret.

Answer 12

Yes, I told them.  It has nothing to do with my feelings for them, nor does it change my feelings for them, so it's not a problem.  I figured that if there was any discomfort, we could discuss it.  Because I didn't want there to be discomfort, it was a little bit hard to come out with it, but it would be worse to keep secrets about it.

Answer 13

I told them I found my mom and they were extremely threatened and disappointed. I haven't told anyone but my wife I found my father, but neither have I contacted him because he's dangerous.

Answer 14

ha u look like a cat