Adoptees: is it better not to know you were adopted?

Question

I realize this is a very sensitive topic and welcome everybody's help. I am researching adoption practices in different countries. I found that in my home country most infant adoptions are closed. Moreover, many people think that it is better for a child not to ever know out that he\she has been adopted, and many adoptive parents go to great lengths to conceal the fact of adoption.

My question is to those adoptees who had negative or not 100% positive adoption experiences because of emotional and other issues related to the awareness of having been abandoned .

Do you think it is emotionally better for an adoptee not to ever find out that he\she was adopted?

Obviously, it is in many cases unrealistic (i.e., in trans-racial or trans-ethnic adoption, plus the truth has a tendency to come out anyway).

Yet, assuming that believable and reliable concealment of the fact of adoption is possible, would you recommend it to adoptive parents? Please explain your answer. Thank you

Answer 1

I was adopted at birth and over all have had a positive experience. I think that even with the best life you will always feel abandoned, sad, mad, confused ect. at times. However I also feel loved, pleased, and extremely lucky at most times. I think that as and adolecent I struggled most with my identity. How much of that is adoption and how  much is typical growing pains I will never know. Hope this helps.

Answer 2

People always find these things out, and then the kid ends up with more issues feeling like they can't trust the people who were supposed to love and care for them, it is a huge betrayal.

Answer 3

No!  absolutely not.  We don't live in the 1950s anymore!  They tried that and it didn't work, it just caused more heartache in families because family secrets are toxic and never stay secrets forever.

Google Late Discovery Adoptee for evidence of the damage this caused to the adoptees affected

Answer 4

my adoption was closed, i've always known that i was adopted and i have very strong opinions on this subject, so here goes . . . i believe adoptions should be closed for the emotional development and well being of the child (bond with parent(s) w/o interruption (return to bio) and no confusion re: who's who) AND for the well being of all the parents (roles are clearly defined). i also believe that adoptees have the right to know they are adopted (again for their emotional development) and they should know why.

I am extremely grateful that my bio-mother had the courage to give birth to me and to give me up for adoption. I am extremely grateful to my parents for the home they gave me. They are extremely grateful to each other.

Answer 5

i think that the whole thing just comes down to being honest with yourself and your adopted child. i grew up knowing from the start that i was adopted. i love my adoptive parents and they are my true family. however, if i was never told that i was adopted, they would be my family no longer. i would no longer want to be associated with people that would keep something that important a secret. especially if it has to do with MY life.

Answer 6

I think that with the advances in medicine, it is imperative that you know your medical history---which means knowing you were adopted.  It does my doctor no good to have me fill out my family history based on my adoptive family which I share no genetic link to.

Answer 7

I think that it is better if they know that were adopted if the parents tell the adopted child that they love them very very much then say "Honey maybe you have noticed it but, your   adopted but we love you as much as if you were our own." and it would be better to tell them around 5 and give them a lot of attention

Answer 8

my best friend was adopted and he says that it doesn't really matter because the people who raise you and love you are your parents

but then again he does sometimes use the "you're not even my real mom/dad" thing.............

Answer 9

I've said it before and I'm sure I'll say it again. Honesty is always best. I have met adoptees who found out about their adoptions while undertaking the task of settling their adoptive parents estates after their death. Would you like to have to face the fact that your life has been a lie after 50 or 60 years? Often adoptees who are told in adulthood are able to make sense of many aspects of their childhoods. Why they felt they "didn't fit in" or why they felt "different". Bonding begins in the womb and we instinctively know when we are taken from the person we forge that first bond with.

When an adoptee is honestly informed of the fact from an early age the adoptive parents are able to deal with these types of issues head on. There need be no secrecy when the adoptee feels out of place since the adoptive parents have been honest and can thus reassure the adoptee about these fears. It is mighty hard to pinpoint an issue if the issue itself is not known.

Answer 10

Didn't we just cover this?

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

EDIT.....

No rancor intended at all - I just wanted to make sure you saw that because there were a lot of good responses.  Cheers!

Answer 11

I have always known I was adopted (there  was no way my parents could have concealed it) but I've never, ever met an adoptee that wished they'd never known.

I believe that the potential damage done by finding out you've been "living a lie" could be far more extensive, and permanently damaging to a child/parent relationship, than dealing with the adoption issue up front.  Abandonment issues are one thing, but finding out your parents lied to you all your life about  adoption wouldn't even be in the same ballpark of trouble.

Furthermore, telling your child that he or she shares your family medical history when it's not true could potentially be life-threatening.

So no, I would never recommend it. And if a parent was considering concealing this information, I would ask them to take a long look at themselves, their reason for adoption, and why they would even go through something they still believe carries such stigma they can't even breathe the words "You're adopted."

Answer 12

i knew i was different and would have figured it out eventually i am a very fair skinned auburn green eyed person and they are dark brown headed brown eyed and olivish skin..i did have alot of emotional issues because of my adoption and have no contact with either of them now..i was told they wanted a baby girl...my brother was six months old and i was almost three to get him the baby they had to take me..so who in the world would feel wanted in that? i didnt..they also talked about my birth mother like she was a tramp..and she may have been but she gave life to me someone they professed to love and i dont see how that works...from what i have been told i look just like her..i found my family my birth family the other one didnt exist only on paper

Answer 13

Yes! It comes down to being honest! I respected my adoptive parents for being honest. then again i;m in a trans-racial adoption so it wasn't like they couldn't keep it from me. But they were always open to me talking about my b-mom! I guess that is what i'm saying. knowing where we come from, our ethinc hertiage it helps in making us complete. having a sense of knowing who we are. adoptive parents need to be truthful because in the end if they aren't then they could do damage to the reletionship with their childern

Answer 14

i am adopted. i have seen what happened when a person adopted finds out. at 16 she did and nearly flipped. its sad for someone thinking all their life they are not. i dont' know why i never had a problem with it but then i knew so that wasn't aproblem for me. i do think if you hide the fact and they do find out eventaully especially for medical reasons its really sad. they person feels not sure of who they are and its horrible for them to live right its bad. i mean if you know you are at least you hvae that. you can later try and find them and stuff but to be left in the dark and suddenly spring this on someone i vote not its not good the person can commit sucide but i know she didn't do that but to this day shes not married either and i am sure this is part of it. her dad wasn't her dad and in fact she wasn't adopted so her last name wasnt what she thought for 16 years really bad.

Answer 15

The truth is always better than a lie. The history of an adoptee belongs to them and they should have the basic human right to know their origins.

Answer 16

In Bulgaria, for example, when a child is adopted, the child's original birth certificate gets destroyed and a new one is issued. The new birth certificate lists the child's new name (if the adoptive parents choose a new name for the child), and the adoptive parents are listed as the only parents the child has ever had. There are no records of the biological parents and no formal procedure of uncovering their identities.

In my opinion, if the child is very young and has no memory of his/her birth parents, it would be better not to divulge the adoption fact. Of course, if the child is from a different ethnicity or is older and has recollections of his/her birth parents, then the adoptive parents have no other choice but to tell their child the truth about being adopted.

Answer 17

"Believable and reliable concealment" might exist in the minds of others...but I believe that adopted kids know that they are adopted even if no one has told them.  Too many little quirky things just don't fit.  You should read The Primal Wound.  Whether or not you believe the theory, it is referred to in almost every serious discussion about adoption.  

I would NEVER recommend that parents lie to their children or conceal important facts from them.  I simply cannot fathom any reason that parents would want to conceal adoption from the person it most intimately affects.  (I can understand why they might choose to conceal it from others for whom it is simply a curiosity.)

Answer 18

This won't really answer your question but; on the other side of that I gave  a child up at birth and have been trying for several years to find her. I want her to know her birth family's medical history because of a lot of medical reasons. I always wonder if she has had a good life and if I did the right thing by giving her up. It's not only the child but the birth mother who have issues.