Adoptees live in a fake life?

Question

They have no identity, no true parental love by biological parents, always being teased for being given up for adoption, they are so angry and sad deep inside.

They have to be great losers and people have to really dislike them.

DO YOU AGREE?

A sad adoptee...

Answer 1

Er, wow.

I have an identity. It's called being Canadian-Chinese. The Chinese part is the nature, and the Canadian part is the nurture. If you dismiss either one of these parts, you dismiss half of who I am. I couldn't be who I am without both of them.

And actually, you're quite wrong about adoptees not having been loved by biological parents. There are a lot of people on this site who equate that being relinquished must mean the biological parents did not love them.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

You see, I don't think a lot of these people have ever actually *spoken* to the biological parents, or they like to make assumptions that relinquishment must automatically mean "unloved." They're not ignorant, but they do like to make assumptions and won't research further or read information regarding the complexities regarding people in the adoption triad. I'd say they are unknowledgeable, and so that is not necessarily their fault because they just don't realize they *are* unknowledgeable until they take the time to research and speak to mothers who have relinquished.

I was never teased from being given up.

Am I angry? A little. I am angry at the system which decides that money has greater value than parent's love and social workers who lie and say that everything will be a fairy-tale.

Does that make me a loser? No. Maybe in your perspective it does, but then again, you were not treated fairly and you were in a foster home for a very long time, correct? If that is your case, then I can understand you feeling angry at the people who *seem* to be "bashing" adoptive parents. But please note that all adoptees feel the way you do towards your own biological parents.

Yes, I am sad I lost my original parents when I was adopted. Yes, I am sad I lost my culture. Yes, I am sad that I probably will never gain the ability to speak Mandarin fluently like a native speaker - EVEN if I were to return to my birth country. Do I think it is wrong that I was separated from them? Absolutely.

Do I curse my adoptive parents all day long? Goodness no, they are my parents!!

Does that mean my life sucks and I sit in a corner cutting myself? h**l no.

You should not be making assumptions on a website like this - these answers are barely the surface personalities of the people who take the time to type responses. Not saying they're good for nothing - some replies can be very helpful - but you should never base someone's life perspective off of a few "angry" replies you see here.

The Internet is not serious business. At least, I've never viewed it as such. I write out my responses just in case someone wants advice. If they don't and they resent my replies, then so be it. I don't care enough to throw a tantrum over it.

Answer 2

I don't think this is true for all adopted children, but I'm sure some do feel that way. Maybe you should look into counseling or speak with your doctor about anti depressants for the meantime. Someone HAS to experience a loss in order for adoption to take place; usually the natural mother and the adopted child. I think that all adoptees feel that loss at least once in their life, but most are not depressed  *no offense* on a daily basis. I really think that you should speak with a person who specializes with adoptees and their feelings. I'm sorry that you had such a terrible adoption experience, but maybe you could turn it into a positive situation. Can you do foster care? Or maybe you can help persuade legislation to allow for open files, and harder to pass home screenings. That way you could possibly prevent children from being in the situation that you were in. I hope this helps.

Answer 3

No?.....

I'm adopted and what you stated was the opposite for me.  

Answer 4

I've found that being an adoptee can be very difficult, but I don't think that necessarily makes us into losers and people don't necessarily dislike us. I do have deep-rooted anger and loss due to my adoption, but I'm not a loser and I know people like me, not everyone maybe, but I don't care about them.

But when I was a teenager, I felt very similar to how you seem to feel now. If you're an adoptee, come to http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/

I don't know how old you are, but I know there's a teen board on that forum. The forum is very helpful with very welcoming people and has really helped me.

Answer 5

First I understand the pain..but it doesn't have to to be that way.  I am not a loser and am loved by family and friends.

But there was a lot of pain and confusion along the way.  I felt I was disposable.. far into my adult life.  Never understood unconditional love until I had children of my own.  I have felt that people would only love me if I could give them something.

There will be a a time that you being adopted will have no bearing on who you are.  I know it's hard..and I know you feel that you are alone..but it's not true.  Maybe not the people around you now, but, as you get older there will be people that attach to you not because of where you came from but because of who you are.    

Make yourself into the best person possible.  There is a reason we were made adoptees...there was a reason we were given away.  I like to think it's because God knew we could handle it and shine.

Today all the horrible things that happened to me as a child were just tools that assured that my children would never have to endure what I did.  

Answer 6

No, I don't agree. I don't know anyone who has been made fun of for being given up for adoption, in a lot of cases the mother is trying to be selfless by allowing her child to be put in a home that can properly care for a child. And I'm sorry if you feel that you have no identity or love or that you are teased. But don't you think your adoptive parents love you? Why would they take on such a large responsibility if there was no love in their hearts for another human?

I don't think adoptees are great losers and I don't think that people don't like them. I think that teenagers have hormones and it's just something to blame the hurt feelings on.

Anyone can have an identity - they just have to learn to make it for themselves.

Answer 7

I don't agree that adoptees live a fake life.  What I do agree with is being adopted is difficult.

Consider this.  It is not your fault that you are adopted.  Anyone who teases you or dislikes you for being adopted is not worth your time.  They are scum.  I am adopted.  I know people say cruel things without realizing it.  You may be angry. You may not be angry.  It depends on the circumstances of your adoption.  But you are not automatically a loser, you are not automatically angry.  You are a person like anyone else.

You can have the life you want.  Everyone has something that is a "problem".  Sometimes people come from divorced parents.  Others come from emotionally absent parents.  The point I am trying to make is that it is seldom that you are born into a perfect set of circumstances.  Make your own personality and values.  I have.  Negative circumstances can create positive, character building traits.  You will be able to see things in a different way from others.  This will help you to have a better life.  Use what you are learning and feeling to be successful.  Take charge of your life.  You are no loser.

Answer 8

I know some feel that way but even those raised by biological parents have problems so it isn't because they were adopted it is a personal feeling they may have.  I have adopted family members and they don't feel that way.  They say their life is their life and their parents are the ones that took the time and energy to raise them and love them unconditionally even without the blood connection.  When ever anybody feels negative about their life like that it is best to seek out professional help to learn ways to accept who you are.  Being raised by your biological parents doesn't mean you will always have a great life and the things in your life aren't fake, they are a real part of who you are and how you are raised, it doesn't have to be based on a blood connection to be real.  Parental love comes from a real parent not just blood.  I know plenty of biological parents that treat their kids like c**p and don't show them the love you think you are missing.  

Answer 9

No.  I don't agree.  I'm so sorry that you have had such a terrible experience that you would feel that way.  The children I adopted had terrible experiences with their bio family, but I think they were very much loved by them, even though they neglected them.  Everyone has issues with their lives.  I'm sorry yours seems so sad.  Good luck to you.

Answer 10

Talk about yourself ? Not all adoptees had a bad life. *gasp*

Answer 11

I hope my son doesn't grow up feeling that way. But then again, He's my husband's bio 4th cousin and we have access to his maternal relatives anyway. (His mom when she gets out of jail; her parents and her sister now)  

Answer 12

No, I do not agree at all! I'm adopted.. I DO have an identity. I don't need love from the biologicals, I have all the love I could ever want or need from my parents. Yes, my parents, who adopted me! I've never been teased, my friends have always thought it was kind of cool. I'm not angry or sad deep inside, I've always had a very happy and cherished life, I love it and wouldn't give it up for anything. I am not a great loser in any way, and I have tons of friends who don't dislike me in any way... So I disagree with your statement.  

Answer 13

I don't know how you can say anyone lives a "fake" life.  If someone says an adoptees life is fake, that implies that the only reality found in life comes from knowing the sperm and egg that gave you a body.  That would mean that anything a child accomplishes on his/her own is has no true reality.  I just can't believe that.  

Having a stable family can give a person a boost on moving forward.  However, it is what you do that determines your reality, not where you started from.  Some adoptees may have a harder time in life because the platform they started from was not stable enough for their needs - others may not.  However, no matter how much or little they accomplish, that amount is still REAL.  Their lives are still REAL.  

For the rest...  adoptees are like any other person.  They will have a variety of strenghts and weeknesses.  They will have a variety of skills.  They are different only in the fact that the people who contributed their genes didn't stick around to raise them.  Some adoptees find this very traumatic.  Others do not.  It totally depends on the person.  

Answer 14

Some people have problems and if they are adopted they can get a lot of sympathy if they try to connect the two.  

Answer 15

No, not at all

I have know several people that had adopted and that been adopted

If you are adopted, and this is how you feel, I am sorry

A parent is a person that loves and protects you.  Some people that have biological parents do not have that.  My sister in law has a 15 year old living with her for 2 years.  Her parents decided they do not want to raise children anymore.  The girl has a safe loving place to stay, and if asked, her biological parents are not her real parents, the women who took her in is.

I have know adopted parents that would push there child out the way of a speeding car, and gladly take there place.  Just like I would do for my child.

There are very good parents, some have biological children, some adopted, some take other children in.  Some are grandparents or Aunts or Brothers or Sisters.  

Some people are awful parents, some are adopted, so are biological.

I am sorry anybody feels that and adopted child has not family, or no identity.  that is not true at all

Answer 16

Hi Super horse lover,

Part of your question i don't feel qualified to answer since i'm not an adoptee.

I can say that adoptees are NOT losers.  Some of my favorite people in the world are adoptees.  If you are struggling, i agree with Phoenix, go to adultadoptees.org.

I do NOT agree.  If someone is handing you this bs send them our way.

Answer 17

No, I don't agree.  I have adopted adult friends who had a hard time as teenagers...  but they are living real lives, married with children, a home, a car, etc.  They seem pretty happy to me...  but they did say they had a hard time as an adolescent.

If you are really sad, please talk to your social worker, foster /adoptive mother or father.

Adoptees are certainly NOT losers.

Answer 18

No, I do not agree. I was adopted at birth. I've felt nothing but loved and special.  I've never been made fun of for being adopted. Finding the statement above very odd. . .I've NEVER felt any of it.  

Answer 19

How sad...........

I know a lot of children, adults, etc. that are adopted and don't feel that way.  I think if a person feels like this the problem is way deeper than adoption and really needs some serious counseling.  

Answer 20

"They have no identity"  I have an identity, and it isn't tied into my genetic history.  Although I would love to know my genetic history, and I believe I have a right to know it, it won't change who I am NOW.  That has already formed.

"no true parental love by biological parents"  Although that is probably true, since my bio-mom wasn't able to know me while growing up, and my bio-dad doesn't know I exist I don't think, I do have adoptive parents who love me more than many bio-parents seem to love their kids.  

"always being teased for being given up for adoption"  I wasn't ever teased about being given up for adoption but I did have people ask me ignorant questions which could be annoying.

"they are so angry and sad deep inside"  Well angry, no.  Sad, sometimes but that isn't because of my adoption, that has roots in the genetic history part lol since I do have some health information I know that.

"They have to be great losers"  Ouch, speak for yourself.

" People have to really dislike them."  I am sure there are many people who do dislike me, but I am sure that there are just as many who like me as well.

Answer 21

I don’t agree at all I have never been teased over being adopted. Most people think it’s interesting and will often say “cool” and then that’s it.  Nor am I angry or sad deep inside. I do have an identity I know exactly who I am. I have true love from my family and that’s what’s important.  I assume my natural mother loved me to let me have a better life then she could have provide, even after she had considered reclaiming me.

I am sorry if your speaking about your own adoption and that people teased you over being adopted, that you feel you don’t know who you are. I am sorry if you feel you’re a loser because your adopted that is further from the truth and you really should not think such a negative thought. I would also suggest you seek counseling for your feelings.

Answer 22

First I will say this- if you have had a sad life because you are adopted, I will be the first to say that I am sorry, and I hope and pray that you can learn to get beyond that sadness.  But please, do not say that everyone of us have no identity, no parental love by bio parents, and were always teased.  First of all, I have an identity- it is not in anyone person it is in God , who is the one that gave me life in the first place.    I do feel the love of my bio mother- she told my wonderful adoptive parents, " I love this baby so much, I have to give her life, and then place her in the arms of a family so that she could have a better life".  I am not sure if i had a better life, but I had a good life. You are not a loser by the way. Who ever told you that? You can be anything that you want to and put your mind too.  If you are disliked, I am sorry about that as well. Let me tell you if I hated adoption like you are talking about, do you think I would would went out to adopt my two children?  IF you want to talk ,please email me. I think you need some counseling to get past this, so you can really live.

For those who give thumbs down for answers like mine, think about this- just because it has happened to you, does not make it the norm.   I am here if anyone wants to talk, I may have had a good adoption experience, but I am the first to say how sorry I am for those that haven't, and if you all look around there are people that will not hate you because you are adopted.  Anyone that does has the problem.

Answer 23

this is a hard question to answer because there are three different parts to it, all of which can be at odds with each other...

part a:  Do adoptees live a fake life?  

i think some adoptees feel they were placed into a generic role not of their own choosing.  ile, family photo - insert child here.  i can see how this might feel like it has less meaning to them personally.  however, living can not essentially be fake and authenticity means being true to ourselves.  that is something which comes over time as we discover who we really are.  for people with identity issues, that process just takes longer.

part b:  the statement that adoptees have no identity, true parental love by biological parents,  being teased, and having anger and sadness.  

again, a lot of things to throw together.  

i think there is a deep wound that causes great turmoil and confusion for adoptees.  i think society is only now learning to be sensitive to that confusion.  i think identity is in us all, but all of the above obfuscates that and makes our path to discovery harder.

part c:  do adoptees have to be unlikeable losers.

i think we operate differently than non-adoptees - we are more fearful and defensive and slower to trust.   most of society is privileged in that they don't have these issues to work around, so they don't consider or think about how it is to deal with, or how that effects interpersonal relationships.  because of that privilege, unfortunately, the onus is on the adoptees to do all the adapting.  but, adult adoptees can work to raise consciousness and educate the non-adoptive world to recognize and be sensitive to our challenges.

i think adoptees can be winners.  we are extremely caring about other people's feelings because we are so acutely aware of our own feelings being discounted.  we have a unique perspective on what's meaningful about something as basic as LIFE:  we are forced to think about what affects people profoundly.  because we struggle, we become extra thoughtful contributors to society.