Adoptees on Birthmothers...and Family on Birthmothers..Thoughts..?

Question

What do adopted children think about their birth mothers? My daughter is almost 9 months old and i keep in contact with the couple almost daily, text, email, pictures, cards and letters and i plan to keep it that way (or at least as much as i can depending on the family) and always be here for her.

Is there anyway we can have a relationship without her resenting me?

And what about their family? Are they going to look at her different than they would their "real" grandchildren? or will her cousins treat her differently?

Answer 1

Have an adopted cousin, could be no more a part of my family than the cousins I have that were born into it, and I know from 2 adopted situations in my family , both extended and personally, they are loved as much as if they were flesh and blood related, luv is something that grows from bonding, not from blood.

I think if her adoptive parents explain the reasons why you gave her to them for adoption she will understand as she grows, she will be curious about you, she will want to know more as she grows older.

NO WORRIES!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 2

As an adopted person i think the main thing is just curiosity tbh.......im not sure if a relationship is possible....i mean i would be very very confused if my birth mother tried to stay in contact through my life.....because she gave me up for adoption....and how would the parents (adoptive) feel about  the birh family coming into the childs life....i know if it was me i would feel threatened. its would be like the birthfamily was trying to get the best of both worlds and have the birthdaughter in your life but that her family now will raise her and look after her and feed her and do all the work........

the family will treat her as if her mum gave birth to her......adoption means belonging......once given up  for adoption all right to her by the birth family is lost......and any contact is up to her parents now......also.....this child is as "real" as the other blood family....i dont understand why people insist on distinguishing between the blood and adopted family.....it shouldnt matter..............its not fair to the child at all........i would hate it if my birth parents were there always because i would really feel confused.....did they give me up or do they want me...that sort of thing.....but i do thnk it is importnt that all adopted children are told they are adopted and that once they are 18 that they are given the choice whether or not they would like to meet their birthfamily and not before........because some children may use it as a way to get at their parents now for something stupid....also if it doesnt work out that the birthparents want no contact it could have a very negative impact on the childs life..............

anyway..........

good luck xx

Answer 3

Mine died, so i don't think I'm much help lol.

But I think it depends on the people. If you did the best thing for your daughter, and love her, then when she's older she'll understand and appreciate that.

Without resentment is going to be very hard when she's small, the world is so simple and to her, you just didn't want her anymore.

Afamily will treat her like normal, as will the cousins. The people that she's with are good people, otherwise you wouldn't be in contact with them. She'll be happy. That's all you an hope for.

Answer 4

No matter what happens, for the child's sake, always keep things positive, and always make sure the child understands that the reason she was given up was in her best interest, because she was loved, NOT because she was unwanted.  This way, when she is old enough to understand and reunites with first mom, that she will not have issues with you.

Answer 5

Amen. Keep it up on your part, Hopefully it will work its self out. Wish I could answer you better.

Answer 6

If you have a family that is willing to let you be a big part of your daughters life, I say take advantage of that unique situation. It doesn't happen often and your daughter will be better adjusted as an adult for the contact between the two of you. Your adoptive parents know and understand this. Just because it's not common practice doesn't mean it's wrong. They are finding over the years that closed adoptions have caused lots of problems for not only the child but both sets of parents. You are in a position to offer any medical or ancestry information that might be needed for your daughter. If something serious happens you will be there to offer anything you can to see to it that she gets the best treatment in the quickest amount of time. She will know who she resembles, where she gestures and manerisms come from.

I was part of a closed adoption and one of my daughters biggest discoveries, after 35 years was her nose. Sounds silly but when you don't know where it comes from.... She never much cared for her nose. She now likes it.

There are so many things that are blanks if you do not have contact with the first parents that make it difficult to be a good parent. Good parents want access to any and all information pertaining to their child.

As far as relatives and how they will treat her, that is up to the individual. Children are usually more accepting by nature. But that is something that happens in natural families too. You will just have to wait and see.

Trust the experts in your situation. You and your daughters new family ARE THE EXPERTS. If you can maintain a good relationship, it is what is in the BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD. I applaud you all for the efforts you are making in one childs life. Hopefully others can learn from your example.

Answer 7

I was adopted at 5 days old. My birthmother was 16, and her parents made her give me up, being that she was a minor, it was their choice. She didn't want to, and has a hard time dealing with it to this day. I searched for her when I was 18, I am 26 now, and we met twice. She is too emotional and upset about having to give me up, so we don't have a relationship. She apologized the whole time we met about the adoption. I do not, nor have I ever, had any negative thoughts about her. I was always curious about her, and I am glad I got to meet her. Although I would like a relationship with her, I cannot change her feelings, and I am grateful to have found her. My adoption was very closed, and I sometimes wondered if I could ever find her. I am happy to have been adopted by a loving and wonderful family. I think each adoption is different, so I can't say how your situation will be, but it sounds like it is open and honest. My adoptive family has never looked at me any different than biological kids. My grandparents and cousins are all the same to me. My adoption is not something that comes up in every day conversation, and its not something I think people even think about much. I'm just like a biological kid to my relatives.