Adoptees???

Question

Our adopted daughter's mother was raped by her step-dad. Her mom doesn't wish to ever see her. She is so unstable because of the traumatizing event that she even tried to kill herself because of feeling her baby inside her. When she grows up and wants to find her, what do you think I should do? What I plan to do is to tell her the whole truth and just leave it up to her. But I cannot imagine her finding her mom and then her mom having to face a mixture of herself and her step-father. She wants to remain anonomous to us so that hopefully her daughter won't find her. I know her name and that is it. Any suggestions would help! I want to respect both of them.....This is tough!

Answer 1

tell her exactly that all you know is the mothers 1st name and that she was very adoment about not being contacted

Answer 2

I have mixed feelings about this.  My sister is adopted and she was never told the details of her adoption.  When she was 26 or so my Mother came to me and said that we needed to tell her some of the details because she was related to us and her half brothers and sisters knew and had threatened to tell her.  It was very ugly and trumatic for my sister to learn as an adult that she was actually our cousins half sister.  She now hates the Aunt that gave birth to her and the half brothers and sisters.  She would rather have never known.  To me she is still my sister, it didn't change anything, but to her it did.  I guess I would cross that bridge when it comes. There is no hard and fast answer, each child and each circumstance will be different.  My sister was always told that she was adopted, but she never asked for details.  It was enough for her that someone had given birth to her and gave her away.  She didn't question why.  I think her rights should have been respected in this as well, and we should not have had to hurt her the way we did.

Answer 3

i can promise you right now that what you do or don't do won't make a bit of difference.  if she wants to find her mother, she will.

there was nothing that could stop me.

Answer 4

I'm adopted and my parents didn't know anything.  When I started looking I was scared and excited at the same time.  I knew, though, that I might not be welcome when I did find her.  I was prepared for that because my parents were honest and blunt about the possibilities.  I would tell her, but not until you deem her mature enough to hear the whole truth.  She may be horrified to learn that she is the product of that, and it may not be the best thing for her to know.  If you feel that she can handle the news I tell her gently and offer your support.  Make her aware that her birth mother did not wish to keep in contact and that if she insists on a search she may be disappointed.  Then, be there for her if she decides to go through with it anyway.  It is a tough situation.  I had a happy ending, but even that has been hard for my parents.  They feel that she had her chance to know me and gave up the right.  They feel slighted every time I spend money to go see her or my siblings.  Just know that no matter how prepared YOU are and how prepared your daughter is, it is still a very emotional situation.  For example, I'm pregnant.  Will my child call my birth mother grandma?  My parents don't wish for that, but my birth mother does.  It's been a stressful road, and it will only get harder.  Good luck and my heart is with you.

Answer 5

I'd say, when she grows up and decide that she want to meet her Bio mom, contact the bio mom 1st and see if anything has changed, If the bio mom still feels the same way, then go ahead and tell your daughter the truth

Answer 6

I think she is better not to know the truth about her birth.  I also think it is better for her birth mother to be left alone.

Answer 7

tell them that your mother was probably not able to take care of her, because she was left by the orphanage's door, and left. also, tell her that she was sure that her mother loved her very much and she just wanted to make sure that she was safe.

Answer 8

I know of two first mothers who relinquished children that were products of rape.  Both chose to reunite years later.  One, in fact, initiated her own search before her child ever did.

Years from now, who knows how your daughter's first mother will feel?  But, your daughter has the right to the truth.  Whatever you do, don't make up lies as one poster suggested.  When she is an adult, it is up to her what she chooses to do with it, just as is the case for all adults.  Her first mother still has the right to maintain no contact decades down the road, if she so chooses.

Another thing to keep in mind is that with or without you telling her her first mother's name, she may still find out.  Wouldn't you rather she get the whole truth from you?

Answer 9

This is a tough one, a really tough one.  I'm sorry she went through that...but look at the bright side, you got your daughter!  

Maybe once her bio-mother is older, she may change her views on the issue.  My suggestion is to talk to your daughter about it, when she is old enough to understand.  Explain the situation...don't be so cold about how her bio Mother NEVER wanted to see her, etc...but do be honest.  Explain that her Mother was raped, and that she wanted to give the baby a better chance at life than she would have been able to give her on her own.  Tell her that her bio-Mother was very weary of being contacted, but that if your daughter has her heart set on it (which is very possible), you should encourage her to write the bio-M.  That way, your daughter can put her thoughts on paper...let her know how she is feeling;  that she just wants to see where she comes from, what bio-M looks like, family medical history on maternal side, etc.  Once bio-M meets (if ever) your daughter, she may change her mind.  And, if not, that's something that will have to be figured out once you get to that point.

I am adopted, and I did find my bio-mother back in 1999.  I had a very good situation, but I have talked with many who didn't.  Unfortunately, it doesn't always work out...but its interesting, as the adoptee...she will realize how much you really have loved her all of these years, and she will love you and appreciate you for it that much more.

Blessings to you all.

Answer 10

If her mom doesnt want to be found then its unlikely she will try to find your daughter. If you have told your daughter she was adopted just be honest enough to tell her that her mother has some emotional issues that prevent her from having a normal relationship with her and that should she ever wish to find her mother, you know where she is, but that she shouldnt have hope that her birth mother will reciprocate the feelings.

I dont see why she'd want to find her birth mother. I dont want to find mind. There's reasons people give their kids up. As far as Im concerned my parents are the ones that raised me, not gave birth to me. If you raise your daughter in a loving, genuine, environment, Im sure she'll feel the same way I do and not want to find them.

Answer 11

Tell her that she lives in canada

Answer 12

Getting ahead of yourself a little here - the child isn't even part of your family yet

Every Adoptee deserves to know the truth - whether they meet in later life or not; she deserves the information even if she never makes any contact kwim either way, it's once she is adult, it is up to her how she handles her life and you