Adoptees: what should a prospective adoptive parent know?

Question

As someone considering adopting a child, what is the most important thing I should know? What should I do, not do, be prepared for, say, etc? What do you wish someone had told YOUR adoptive parents?

Answer 1

There have been so many great answers here, that I will just state a couple of the things that I, personally, wish my adoptive parents had done differently.  

The first is to state or even insinuate that the natural parents are defective, bad, "less than" or anything else negative.  After all, they brought the child into the world, and it is highly likely that the child will feel that he or she must be bad or defective if he or she came from people who are those things.  It's the same idea as speaking negatively of the other parent in a divorce situation.

Do not expect your adopted child to be like you, or be disappointed if he or she is different from the other family members in terms of mannerisms, personality, intellect, talents, interests and so forth.  There is hard-wiring involved in these traits, so you have to keep that in mind.

Be thoughtful with regard to name changing.  I was 2 when  my name was changed.  I, personally, was not happy about that.  I did always wish that my name would have been respected.

Best to you.

Answer 2

1. don't lie to them.

2. tell them they are adopted when they are young. don't wait til you think they can handle it. they can deal with it better when it's not a secret.

3. if they are of a different race do not tell racial jokes. ( most people use their common sense but apparently mine didn't have any)

4. don't compair them to your natural children.

5. do not keep them seperate from your family. ( to explain, don't do things with your family and do the same thing with your adopted child on another day. ex. i get christmas eve they get christmas day. i finally said s***w it now i celebrate with me my son and a big bottle of patron.)

6. love them but don't be too clingy. we need our own space too. ( some adoptees run into a problem of their aparents being so afraid that your nmother will want you back they act like she's hiding in the bushes to snatch you at anytime. yes, they know you love them but that is tramatic for any child natural or adopted)

7. don't get upset that they want to find their natural parents. almost everyone wants to know where they came from and it is already a tough decision to decide if you really want to meet the people that gave you up. then when you make your mind up your aparents get angry and put a guilt trip on you because "they are you parents she just gave birth to you." that doesn't go over well.

8. if they are of a different culture let them learn about their culture ( i am half korean and something and i grew up all over the world but i know nothing about my korean roots. when i was younger i wanted to take a class on hongul ( to official korean lanuage) and my mother wouldn't let me. not because she couldn't afford it but because she said i would never have a reason to use it.)

9. don't tell your kid that their feelings don't matter and that the world doesn't care because then they internalize everything and never learn how to deal with their emotions. ( that came back to bite me because i never realized when i was stressed. one time i got too stressed and instead of taking it on emotionally i took it on physically. i went down to 92 pounds and felt like i was having a heart attack for a year from muscle spasms in my stomach. my body just couldn't take anymore. I'm only 5'6 so as you can imagine i looked horrible)

10. don't make them the center of your life. make them a part of it. the more you single them out them more different they feel.

11. if they have any questions about their adoption help them as best as you can. they will appreciate your help and be more open to sharing their feelings with you.

I wish someone would have told my adoptive parent that she wasn't suitable to take care of a child (she had 2 natural children that she didn't have custody of). let alone one of a different race. maybe i would have appreciated adoption a little more. everything that could have gone wrong with adoption went wrong with mine. i know my case is exteme (which is why a home study is extremely important. I never had one but i think that if i had my adoption senario may have been completely different).

Answer 3

please tell me where my real parents are who and where are they and what is there relation ship to you. it would have been nice to know that i was family. but no one did and it was years before i learned the truth

Answer 4

be honest. good luck xx

Answer 5

Their first parents did not show the adoptee love because they gave him/her up. The adoptee will never be able to forgive and forget that simple act, and will always distrust your love for them. It is nearly impossible to prove love to someone who does not believe that they deserve love.

Answer 6

I wish my parents had kept at least part of my name.

I wish I had an OPEN adoption, that was honored!

I wish they hadn't tried to normalize adoption. It is different--stop saying it isn't.

I wish my interests that were not shared by them, would have been honored.

I wish they hadn't made me pretend so much

I wish they let me choose who to announce my adoption to, it's none of their business.  It's an event in your adult life--it's my whole life.  We are not equals.

I wish they didn't pretend their family tree meant jack to me

I wish they'd had books like The Journey of the Adopted Self by Betty Jean Lifton and The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier to read.

I wish they didn't use bs words like 'miracle' and 'chosen' to me.  Your miracle is my tragedy.

I wish they didn't pretend that I was their first choice (after being told amom had 13 miscarriages) and know they are not mine either.  If you didn't get to parent me, someone else would have.  I knew this at 8.

I wish I didn't have to pretend you were my first choice either.

I wish you wouldn't say I grew in your heart, not in your tummy.  All babies grow in uteruses.  Stop making me feel like an alien.

I wish you could see that you gained and I lost.  Unless you had an actual CHILD die, you and I did NOT experience the same losses.  I lost everything, you lost a dream.

I wish they thought of me as coming with in-laws, then they wouldn't be so devastated that I wanted to know how I came to planet Earth, yes I want to know my other family.  I have deeper feelings than a Poodle.

I wish mother would have dealt with infertily losses, and not expected me to pretend I 'grew in your belly'.  If I say this, it's not true, and I'm  just trying to make you feel better. I want my own truth.

I wish they didn't act like blood or DNA doesn't matter, Darwin figured out that it matters a hundred years ago, stop insulting my intelligence by pretending it doesn't.

Don't over-estimate your influence.  You are the 'software' to the 'hardware' I came with.  I am not, and never will be your carbon copy.

Upsetting?  Get used to it or don't adopt, please.

Answer 7

GOD BLESS YOU for asking this question.  I can't really add anything to Heather H's answer, she's done an excellent job of expressing what adoptive parents need  to know in regards to their adopted child.  

I just want to applaud you for being OPEN to learning about the needs of a child you may someday adopt.  If only more adoptive parents seriously considered these issues.  As far as I'm concerned, if someone isn't willing to address these things, they shouldn't be adopting.  This shows a true concern for the child, which many people profess, but few actually show.

Answer 8

Don't avoid telling your child that they are adopted. You can do this by explaining that they were not had but more importantly chosen.

Answer 9

Make sure the natural father agrees with the adoption or you could be facing sharing his child with you or better yet he might win ( there are at least 5 father's right now fighting to have their child returned after a wrongful adoption)

And be truthfully don't lie to the child them him or her she is adopted and from what i have read treat all your children bio and adopted the same.

Answer 10

I was adopted when I was two months old, but always knew that I was adopted.  If you do adopt, which I think is great, then just be ready for questions.  Like, I asked my parents why my birth mom didnt want me.  And they are hard questions.  And always, always be supportive.  When they got to the age when they feel they would like to find the birth parents, dont get mad, help.  They dont want to replace you, they are filling a hole.  I did it to my parents.  I asked why my parents didnt want me...and my adopted mom has been helping me search for my birth mom, and we are almost there.  Just be ready to love a lot.

Answer 11

If you understand the loss your child has experienced, you can have a wonderfully positive impact on his or her life.

Deal with the reality of the adoptive situation: different from biological family; it's parenting plus!

Mother can be alert to and empathic to signs of loss and grieving.

Realize that it will be more difficult for her to know what to do for this particular child without genetic markers ... be especially aware.

If possible, stay home with child; he doesn't need one more disappearing mother.

Understand child's coping mechanisms: acting out or compliant. Compliant doesn't mean untroubled. Acting out child will demonstrate "wrong mother" idea by making adoptive mom wrong about many things. This interfaces with his need for control.

Try to understand the difficulty in growing up without seeing oneself reflected anywhere. Verbalize.

Celebrate birthday before the actual day. (Birthday may be separation day ... child sad or angry.)

Don't be late picking up child from school, activities, etc. (triggers abandonment).

Fear often keeps child from letting in love. Be patient; try not to feel rejected. (It's not personal.)

Tell child about adoption before she knows what it means.

As she gets older, answer her questions honestly. (Questions may be acted out, rather than verbalized)

Don't speak for anyone else (i.e., birthmother). Never say: (1) "Your birthmother loved you so much she wanted you to have a good home." Even if true, this makes absolutely no sense to a child. One doesn't give away what one loves.

If you can, stay in touch with birth family. Child needs mirroring and genetic markers. Honor promises. This also goes for birth parents. (Step families can do it; so can you!)

Learn to understand the differences between behavior (acting out or compliant) and the child's true personality. Behavior will often be different outside family. Easier for others to discern personality.

Acknowledge, respect, and value the differences between adoptee and other members of the family.

Encourage child's talents and interests, even if they are different from yours.

Because the child will not be able to verbalize his pain, look for other forms of communication: art, poetry, play, and projective identification (i.e., He will communicate his feelings by behavior that will make you feel them: angry, enraged, sad, inadequate, unworthy, confused, chaotic, fearful, rejected...

Behavior often metaphor for beliefs: feels stolen, may steal; living a lie, may lie; people disappear, may hoard food, etc. Verbalize this for him, so that he will know you understand: "I wonder if..."

Recognize the core issues: abandonment, loss, rejection, trust, intimacy, guilt and shame, mastery and control, and identity.

Learn to understand child's anger as a cover for pain: Empathize with the pain.

Never threaten abandonment, no matter how provocative the child becomes.

Acknowledge the child's feelings. Never say, "You shouldn't feel that way. Feelings come from the unconscious and are valid. Teach child to find appropriate ways to express those feelings.

Allow the child to be herself. Withdraw expectations which do not fit her personality or abilities.

Do not try to take the place of the birthmother. Even if he doesn't talk about her, she is real to him. You are a different person and very important in his life.

Don't try to take away your child's pain. Acknowledge it, try to understand it, validate it, help her put it into words, and give her ways to work it through.

Adoptees are often diagnosed with ADD. This may be a result of the trauma and hypervigilence. It has nothing to do with intelligence. Parents and teachers will need understanding and patience.

Prepare child for changes in routine. Fears surprises (like disappearance of mother).

Because of interruption of natural order, child may have difficulty with cause and effect or consequences. This is especially difficult during adolescence. Needs to be reinforced early.

Child needs strong boundaries and limits, even though may fight against them. Needs to feel safe, contained, and cared for. Very important to be fair and consistent.

Father will not be having same experience as mother. Needs to empathize and support mother.

Both need support group to compare notes with other adoptive parents and to avoid isolation.

Answer 12

I was lucky enough to be adopted when I was just a couple of weeks old, and I never didn't know I was adopted. My most sincere advice to you would be for you to tell your child immediately and constantly that they were adopted. Telling them when they're older will only cause problems. Everyone I know that was told when they were older was completely traumatized. Tell your child how lucky you all are to have come together and never, ever try to keep it a secret or act like it's not something to be happy about. Best of luck to you - I wish you and your family great happiness!

Answer 13

children are born with genetic traits that cant be fixed...so love your child no matter how different he or she is !!!

Answer 14

It doesn't matter how much you want or will love a child....the child might not accept or love you. You will be bringing a stranger home, and it's all luck of the draw how well you happen to mesh.

No matter how good of substitute "parents" you are, you aren't the RIGHT parents no matter what your paperwork says, in  the eyes and heart of the child.

Answer 15

If you are going to adopt a child the most important consideration is the health of the child. I have friends that  adopted a little boy soon after his birth, he has F.A.S.  and F.A.E, it is a huge burden on them physically as they were a little older than the average age of people who adopt newborns. As well as the fact that the boy is now 13 and a h**l raiser, he also requires prescriptions and medication that puts a  financial strain on this semi-retired couple. We all love him dearly and would not trade him away for the world but it would have been easier if he was completely healthy. But who is to say that your own child would be born healthy. Know you have enough love to give the child, and are ready for the responsibility

Answer 16

My adoptive parents were and are wonderful, so I think I can give some good advice based on watching them and the fact that I turned out relatively sane! :) ha ha!  

In my situation, I am Korean and my family is white so there was never a time of NOT knowing I was adopted.  It was obvious! :)  If you are adopting a child that WILL, however, look like you, you will need to decide on an age when you think it's appropriate to tell him or her that they are adopted.  Some parents just "hope" the kid won't find out but they always do and the trauma of being lied to by the people who love them is far more traumatic than if the parents had just told them in the first place.  Every child matures at a different rate so you'll have to just watch yours & see when you think he or she has the mental capacity to fully understand what adoption is or means.  

Secondly, my parents never made me feel different from other kids.  I think some parents try to overcompensate with adopted kids....trying to somehow make them feel MORE special or they go the other way and subtly make the child feel somehow different or less than other children.  In my opinion, you should love this child the same amount as you would any other child - this is especially important if you have any biological children in the picture.  Some bio children may feel "less" special if you try to overcompensate with the adopted child.

From this forum, I've also learned some adoptive parents think of themselves as "saviors" deep down.  This isn't an idea you should encourage or perpetuate.  Don't make your child feel like a welfare case that you took pity on.....it will obviously shape how your child seems himself if you act that way.  Don't make them feel like they need to constantly be grateful to you for "saving" them.  Just love them.

Finally, be HONEST with every question, every time....no matter how difficult.  Your child will appreciate your honesty later in life when he becomes more aware of what adoption means.  And by all means, always let your child know they have your blessing to find out as much information as possible on their birth family.  My parents kept ANY information, even scraps, that pertained to my adoption knowing that I might one day want to look for my biological family.  They respected that natural curiosity & never once made me feel like I had to choose them or my bio family.  They never made me feel like it would be a betrayal to search.  They always told me they would support me emotionally, financially & any other way if I chose to search for my birth family.  That gave me the freedom to know I could do that with their understanding & not feeling like I was being ungrateful to them.

Answer 17

Tell your child that they were adopted.. They are not a secret, (even if you think that your protecting them) Just tell them they are a gift from god)

My parents let me know from the get go and i am thankful.

It didnt work out that way with one of my other friend and he was tramatised and ended up not trusting his mother anymore

They used to tell me they loved me so much they went through more trouble to get me!

My parents were amazing