Adoptees: what was your experience with siblings who were bio related to your parents?

Question

We're considering adopting in a few years, when my daughter is older, since we would like to have two children. Did any of you adoptees have siblings who were biological children of your (adoptive) parents? Was this in any way a problem for you? What do you think about this situation?

Adoptees only, please!

Answer 1

I know you said adoptees only, but I'm the sister of two adopted brothers so I thought my insight might be useful  

Please, do not forget to think about how this might affect your biological daughter.  Adopting a sibling is NOT the same as having another baby, espescially if you're not adopting an infant.  Children comming out of foster care usually have a variety of problems with either biological, emotional, or situational causes.  I am not telling you not to adopt, I firmly believe in adoption and that growing up with my brothers made me a better person, but please please please make sure you handle it very carefully.  

First, I think it is unwise to adopt "out of birth order".  Your child will have a hard enough time adjusting to a new family member without getting a "third parent" out of it.  As the boy from Stuart Little says, "I want a little brother, not a big brother!"  If you take away your daughters status as first born (even though technically she'll always be YOUR first born) it could be a devistating blow to her, and will definitely cause problems if the children ever get into serious bouts of sibling rivalry.  

Second, make sure your daughter understands what is going to happen.  Also, make sure you don't present the adoptiong as getting a "permanent friend".  That was one of the biggest mistakes my parents made with me.  I was 4 when my brothers were adopted (and a mature 4) and was very very excited.  I was going to get two other kids to play with all the time.  When they showed up (mentally handicapped as they were) and I couldn't play with them at all, I was devistated.  I felt like I'd been cheated.  Even at 4, I understood that's not what a big sister was supposed to think, and I tried to 'act the part', but inside the resentment festered.  I became ashamed of my brothers in public, I felt the need to tell everyone they were adopted so their handicaps and shortfallings didn't rub off on me.  Some days were better than others, but I was very frustrated though alot of this period.  I was ripped out of being an only child rather quickly and plunged into a situation that no pre-schooler is really ready for.  Worst of all, I felt an incredible amount of guilt that I wasn't adjusting to this new life the way people wanted me to.  In fact, it wasn't until a nightmare I had when I was 7 (one in which my least favorite of the brothers died) that I honestly realized in myself how much I loved them.

I think if you're planning on adopting from foster care with a biological daughter already in the picture, you also need to plan on regular family therapy - at least for the first few years.  No matter how well you TRY to prepare your daughter, she won't really understand, and the shock of it in her world will be pretty big.  It isn't the same as having a baby, because when you have a baby there is an inhearant understanding that the baby really IS your child to and has as much claim on you as anyone else.  When you adopt a child, it's hard for the pre-existing child not to feel like the new child is stealing his/her parents.  Even after I realized how much I loved my brothers, there were still times when I would wish for the simpler life we'd all have had if my parents had just let us have our "natural" family.  All these thoughts were so taboo that I never voiced them.  Instead they stewed inside me making me feel like a wretched and disloyal person.  

Still...  after all of that, I am now glad my parents adopted the boys.  I would not be the person I am today without them.  My son think they're great uncles!  Even "playing it by ear" my parents managed to get us all out of it alive.  ;-)  Adoption is a wonderful blessing, particularly for adoptees who would otherwise languish in foster care.  It also teaches the adopting family the strength of the bond of love.  However, for the sake of everyone involved, please do it carefully - with lots of help.  Make sure you keep open lines of communication.  Do not let your adoptive child feel like an outsider or "not really" part of the family.  Do not ignore their feelings about their biological families, and do not believe they'll ever really forget the months or years of foster care.  Also, do not ignore the feelings your biological daughter will be having.  Help her understand that confusion is normal, and that some amount of sibling rivalry doesn't make her a bad person.  If you can, attend family counseling or at least find a local support group (many churches espescially mega churches have them these days) so that your family doesn't have to forge a new path completely alone.  

Most of all, remember that love is the most crucial ingredient in any family!

Answer 2

I work for the Department of Family and Children Services. In my experience if there is a positive bond between the bio children and the adoptive child before the adoption takes place then there arenot any problems. If the bio children resent or are not on board one hundered percent then it will create problems. Also, foster parents who accept the kids as their own usually have better success. What I mean is there should be no seperation between your bio children and your adoptive children. When people ask which are "yours" you should refer to all of them as yours. There should never ever be any seperation. They were all given to you by GOD. Good Luck.

Answer 3

Wow...its different for every family.  My family is so blended.

If I get technical...I have 3 half brothers and a foster brother and I'm adopted.  In real life, I'm the youngest of 5 kids and the only girl and yes, I'm the princess and daddy's girl.  hee hee..and spoiled..  :)

I'm my mothers only child.  the boys are my dads..the foster..is Korean-American.  Or you can look at it like we all do..We're a family of 7.  i was raised as an only child, 1st because my brothers are all older than me (i'm a late life child) and 2nd because the youngest of my brothers lived with his mom.  At one time or another, they all lived with us for a bit.

I learned I was adopted at 5..that night, one of my brothers came in to kiss me goodnight.  He was living with us then.  I told him was adopted but not to worry he was still my brother!  lol

We were alll just blended like a lot of families now days.

update:  now what in the world could I have sd to get so many thumbs down?  I was just telling about my family.  Interesting

Answer 4

My aparents adopted my oldest a-brother, had a bio-son, then adopted me.

There was never any favoritism that I can remember, but then I think my aparents were pretty exceptional.  I think it's just important to remember that your children (adopted and bio) WILL have differences, and to encourage their individual traits.

(And no, adopted kids are not gifts from god, we suffered a LOSS to become adoptable, so please remember that also and always be open and honest and available to your adopted children to talk about and acknowledge their losses).

Thanks for asking these thoughtful questions!

Answer 5

I am the youngest of 3 children.  I was adopted but my 2 older brothers are bio to my adoptive parents.  There was never ANY difference made amongst us.  They loved us all equally & never treated me any different because I was adopted.  I had a great r'ship with my brothers growing up.

Answer 6

Generally, it was okay.  I was the oldest, though.  I'm not sure how that dynamic might play into it.  

Because I was the oldest, I was often responsible for my younger siblings.  They resented it and would sometimes tell me that they wished I hadn't been adopted.  Kids are mean, and they probably would have said something else.  But it did  serve as a constant reminder of my status.  

I'm not sure how it would have been if I had been younger than my siblings.  (I don't think my parents would have adopted, to tell you the truth.  They adopted because they were told they couldn't have children.)  

I love my siblings, and they love me.  But we're not very close now.  

In general I'm conflicted about this situation.  I think it can work, but it requires a lot of sensitivity, and buy in by the bio-children.  If they resent their adoptive sibling (and older children often resent younger children anyway), that can be the source of additional struggles.

I hope that's helpful.

Answer 7

My a-parents had 2 bio kids (daughter & son) - then 13 years later adopted me.

Because of the gap - I was sometimes an 'only child'.

(which I thought sad - as I would have liked closer in age sibs - my a-parents were going to adopt a boy after me - but sadly my a-dad died just before my first b'day)

Anyway - I'm just 'one of the family' - within our immediate fam - although there is an annoying older cousin that likes to introduce me as the 'adopted one' - pfffffff.

My a-mum had many frustrations during my teens - as I was genically different to her bio kids - and she's struggled alot as I went through my 'trying to work out who I am' phases - and she found it hard - as she didn't know what I needed to know (ie my first family info etc).

I think for it to really work - you need to embrace the differences - you need to allow the adoptee to find out about themselves (open adoption - would be good) - but you also need to show by example that you - as the mother love all - and would do anything for any and all of your children - without exception.

For me - I sometimes felt as if my a-mum loved her bio kids more - perhaps that stemmed from my own rejection issues with being an adoptee - my first mother 'didn't want me' - so I sometimes felt 'not as good' - in myself.

Adoptees need to know often that you love them like crazy - and you're not going to send them away!

Answer 8

Just wanted to say that I think it is wonderful that you are thinking about and preparing for adoption issues that you may encounter.  Not all adoptive parents pursue adoption in such a mindful manner.  Keep on asking questions and seeking out lots of experiences.  You'll be better prepared to meet your child's needs.  Best of Luck to you!

Answer 9

I was adopted at 2 years old.  My adoptive brother was my adoptive parents' natural son, who was born within weeks of my adoption finalizing.  Although we were never explicitly "treated" differently, I often was given the reminder that I did not "fit in" with the rest of the family, that I was like "those people" (my natural parents) and that if it weren't for them (my adoptive parents) I wouldn't have a "pot to p**s in or a window to throw it out."  Sorry to use such language, but those are the words that were used.  I let my adoptive mother know once that since my brother was biologically hers, she couldn't use that phrase on him.  She never said it again.

Here's my point:  The ATTITUDE, not just the actions, of the adoptive family needs to be one of thinking of both their children as equal members of the family.  However, it is also important to be open about adoption and open to hearing your adopted child's feeling about adoption.  This will help him or her to feel more comfortable as a true member of the family, despite being adopted.

The reason adoptees exist is because of the imperfections of this world and the humans in it.

Answer 10

I did, and I hated it.  It was difficult to be raised in a home where the family was a 'set' and I was an outsider.

Why do you have to have 2 kids?  An adopted child should not be used to meet your imagined quota.

Move on.

ETA: "We would like to have two children".  That's a desire.  Adoption is about what children need, not about what adults want.

ETA:  You seen to think there are children that need to be adopted.  If you're interested in an older child from foster care, you're right, there is a surplus.  Looking for an infant, as most people are, there are 90 couples per every healthy infant for adoption.  In the US demand far outstrips supply.  Or will you be traipsing the globe for a child?

Answer 11

i was the adopted younger sister to my parents bio daughter. i too felt like an outsider but for different reasons. they didnt treat me like i not welcome, i was just a different person than they were. i am very outgoing, loud, silly, outspoken, rock and roll and hot tempered.

they, including my sister which is a cookie cutter of them, are, quiet, laid back, country, serious, 'dont rock the boat' type of people.

they simply thought i was crazy. LOL!! they didnt understand me, i was foreign to them. they did the best they could and tried to relate, but the differences were so huge it was really hard for us. but i had a great life, and i grew to enjoy being the "crazy" one, i could get away with being and saying pretty much whatever i wanted and they would just nod, maybe roll their eyes.

your show of concern proves you will be very aware of equal treatment. there is nothing more you can do