Adoptees... what would hurt the least and most.....why?

Question

lets say your about 13 and have just stared asking questions about your b-mom's reason for placing you. What reason do you think would be the LEAST and MOST painful to hear?

And why?

A.) you first mommy was very young and had noone to help her take care of you. She wanted you to have 2 parents so she chose us.

B.) Your first mommy had everyone around her telling her she couldn't keep you and and after meeting with an agency they convinced her to place you.She really did want to keep you, but didn't really know that she had a choice.

C.) Your first mommy was doing things that mad you and her very sick. It was because of her illness that she couldn't parent you. She chose your home, because she didn't want anyone else (CPS) to. She didn't have a choice to parent at that time.

D.) Your first mommy lived in a country where that was very poor and offered no assistance to mothers in need . Children often died of illness. She wanted you to have a chance.

Answer 1

A - least painful

B - most painful

Answer 2

Well I was told option number one. And it was pretty much true. Yet it was still really terribly painful.

I already felt like an activist from childhood. My mom needed help to keep me, and no one would help her??! I will help the mothers!!!

It's a heartbreaking story, that your mom wanted you as much as your adoptive parents did, but couldn't keep you because she didn't have enough resources... : (

It makes me want to generate more resources for struggling parents so they don't have to choose between "give my child a good life" or "keep my child"

I hope that people can do both.

And florida gal, your questions have been quite touching and kind. It's so nice to hear you really listening, even though I'm sure some answers come off really strong.

: )

Answer 3

Here is a suggestion, why don't you try the truth.  You don't decide what you tell the child, you just tell the truth. What really happened. It makes me sad to hear this. I'm adopted from Korea and i will most likely never know what happened and the why's and who i look like and so forth, but when parents know and then they don't tell the kids? That sucks, because some adopted kids really do want to know. If you only knew how it really felt to know you will never know.......

Answer 4

d least painful

a most painful

Answer 5

Have you tried the truth?  

We don't like lies or fairy tales.  Try not to demonize his mother too much though.  AA considers alcolholism a 'disease'.  You don't need to say she 'did things to hurt you'.

Why not end with a positive note, like "I hope you'll get to meet her someday."

That would truly be an act of love.

Answer 6

My birth parents were always honest with me from the very start.  At 13, your child will be able to understand what really happened.  You have to judge what you tell by your child's maturity level.  Honestly though, I would have to say A) would be the least painful because its true but it doesn't slap the poor boy upside the head with too much truth.  All the other choices need to be gradually introduced into the conversation.  Truth hurts some time but it is better to just go on ahead on and let him know.  Better from you than some one else.  You are right to ask for other adoptees insight on this.

Answer 7

A would be worse, a lot of young mothers end up having families in the future and don't want to know their child and this can be painful for the child to understand and accept.

The other two are equal, not best case but at least the child would feel better about the circumstances, that the parents COULDNT take care of the child or did not have the choice.  

I had the B situation happen to me and although difficult, i realise that my birth mother wanted me and that people actually convinced her to give me away. It makes me feel that I was loved and not abandoned. although i still get those feelings, now that i understand the circumstances this feeling has reduced somewhat.

Answer 8

Let's see...which option would hurt the MOST...hmmm...a rather sadistic way to pose a question, but let's try answering anyway.

Choices A and D are not credible.  Marsha R perfectly described the appropriate response to Choice A.  Now as for Choice D, it would seem that many poor people in poor countries keep their children, thus the reason why there remain poor people in poor countries.  Since Choices A and D are lies, they are excellent options to disturb your child's mind.  Could be quite painful over the long-term.

We are left with Choices B and C.  Either tell the child his mother surrendered him because...(Choice B) "why not, that's what everyone says to do"...or because (Choice C) "she was an addict who could not control herself."  Both of these look pretty painful too.

Since you will eventually explain the truth (Choice C), you will want to introduce this slowly because it will be painful.  You may try explaining early on that the boy's natural mother chose him a new home because she was not able to do all the things a mother should.  You will be asked, "Why?"  You may answer, "she was very sick."  As the child gets older, and you talk about drugs and addiction, you may want to explain how they make people sick and that, in fact, they made his mother sick.  I would suggest having this discussion well before the age of 13, though.  The child should be prepared before hitting adolescence and seeing some of his peers fall off into the use of drugs.

Answer 9

My mom traded me for a car and an apartment to my dad's parents and never came back, so all of those sound pretty good to me. I agree with telling them whatever the truth happens to be, even if its the car and apartment thing, but you said thats not what you meant so I won't go there. Honestly, I think the worst thing an adoptee can hear is "she gave you up because she loved you so much and she wanted what was best for you" because that makes -most- (not all, I'm not speaking for everyone!) of us go "then why the heck did she give me away! If love = abandonment, will other people I love leave me too?". The best thing we can hear is whatever our real, 100% honest, no secrets kept, as much detail as possible, true stories are. The worst of the above is #1, in my opinion, because I would not want to think my mother gave me to complete strangers just because she didn't have a husband or boyfriend when other people's moms keep them under the same circumstances.

Answer 10

I’d have to go with D for the one that hurts the least.  I’m talking about countries where often times due to malnutrition and poor health care or none at all. Many of the children don’t live to 10.  If a child came from this type of situation and was placed for adoption. The birthparents want their child to at least have a chance at reaching adulthood. When its highly like if they had stayed with birthparents they might not have even made it to their teen years.

I think for most adoptees B would be the one that would hurt the most.

Answer 11

I can't pick one of the letters, because each situation is individual, and you may or may not know all his mother's reasonings, ideally she would be available at that time to answer some of the questions herself.

Not all adoptees can verbalize their questions to their adoptive parents, I know I was very afraid of hurting my adoptive mom's feelings.  

With my personal experience to draw upon, I would mention his adoption, small things about it as a matter of course, or if something reminds you of his mother in a good way, I might say something like, "oh that reminds me of your mother xxxxx, whatever her name is"  just so he gets the sense that you are not afraid of her or him asking questions, then if a time came where he was willing to ask you, I would try to keep it as neutral as possible, and say something like, "she wanted a secure home for you, and didn't feel she had one when you were a little guy"

I would avoid, sentimentality painting either an overly sugary picture, or an overly ugly one.  Who our mothers are affects our sense of self.  I wouldn't get his hopes up nor suggest she is a scum bag, kwim?

Someday she may have to answer that question herself.  I can only imagine that this is a very tough situation for adoptive parents to be in, I think it is great that you are preparing yourself, and thinking of his feelings which will probably be very tender.

Answer 12

Be honest and tell the truth.  I am both an adoptee from infant adoption and step parent adoption.  The step parent adoption is one that I did choose.  My first adad was a dentist who really wasn't interested in raising children.  He treated me like I was replaceable.  My step dad, my real dad in my heart, stepped up to the plate to raise all of us girls.  

I still wanted to know who my natural parents are.  It is not a matter who is the real parent.  I just wanted to understand what my roots.  Truth has always worked for me.  My adoptive mom believes in truth even if it might hurt her.  Its her philosophy. Its what I fight for.  By the way, we had a family friend whose daughter got pregnant.  I was 13 at the time.  I got both talks at the same time.  My mother found it just wrong to give up a grandchild.  They are the very reasons why I got the talk.

Answer 13

Thanks so much for asking for adoptee's perspectives

It's really difficult to pick one of the letters because they would all hurt.  Losing your mother hurts whatever reason you are told

If i had to choose I'd say B would hurt the least because it shows that Mom really did want me

I was told A and that had the opposite effect than what was intended.  It was intended to make me feel special but all it made me feel as a child was that I was unworthy and there must have been something I had done wrong or I was bad in some way to have caused my mother not to keep me.  I felt unloveable.   I guess kids always have a way of taking things upon themselves and blaming themselves for the stuff that happens.  For example when parents get divorced; children often feel that somehow it is their fault!  It's the same with adoption and all the love and nurturing in the world from adoptive parents doesn't make it go away.

My adoptive mom tried her best, bless her but there is some hurt that cannot be loved away

Thanks for asking.  It shows you care.  Whatever  you tell is going to hurt but knowing the whole truth, however ugly, is better than not knowing or carrying a fantasy through life