Question:

Adoptees: when it comes to reunion... what part, if any, would you like your aparents to play?

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Example:

Would you have liked them to encourage your search?

Would you have liked them to actively participate in your search?

And upon reunion, would you have liked both sets of parents to meet?

Or...

Would you prefer for both "lives" (I can't think of a better word) to be kept separate?

Would you like your aparents to be receptive to hearing everything you have to say about your search and reunion, but essentially keep out of it, while still being supportive?

I hope these questions make sense!!!!!

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4 ANSWERS


  1. When I was in my first reunion, I was under age so my parents were much more involved. They stayed out of the initial letter-writing phase, which was good since it was very personal to me. But they wrote separately to my bio mom welcoming her which I appreciated. When I met her, I was still underage, so they were there, which I was glad for. They let me and her go off together and then we all met up for lunch.

    My second reunion (with my bio dad) they were less supportive because they worried that he'd reject me. So I did it myself. I was an adult and made my own decision. I told them after I'd sent off for the information. I've met him now and my aparents weren't there which I was glad about. But I do want them to meet him next time I see him and they all want to meet too.

    I don't think my reunions could have gone any better, except more encouragement when I was trying to contact my bio dad would have been nice. I understand they were worried he'd reject me, but I wanted to know. I think not knowing is way worse than rejection. As it was, he was very welcoming so it worked out ok.

    So basically, leave it to the adoptee, but be very encouraging. Ask what they want. Some might want to keep it all private, others might want to share everything. But be encouraging and celebrate with them if it goes well. If you can't be happy for them having a successful reunion, you shouldn't be an adoptive parent. Get therapy.

    My aparents are my parents and always will be. I'm glad my bio families are in my life now and I wish they'd never left, but my aparents are my parents now. Nothing can change that.


  2. Hi Kazi,

    Thank you for bringing this up.  Ideally, all adoptions would be open and there would be no need for a later reunion because everyone would already know each other.  I don't think there is one answer that will work for all adoptees.  The rule of thumb I would use is to let the adoptee take the lead on what feels most comfortable for them as to the whens, hows & wheres of reunions.

    The adoptive parents often hold the adoptee's key information that would facilitate the search and reunion process.  I have stated before that an adoptee's background information belongs to the adoptee, and the adoptive parents have an ethical obligation to give all of that to the adoptee whether they ask for it or not.  Keep in mind that all decisions were made for the adoptee as a child.  Throughout their childhood, adoptive parents should create an atmosphere of acceptance and emphasize that they will be supportive of whatever an adoptee wants to do regarding their other family.  Once an adult, it should be the adoptee's decision without permission from anyone else.  (i.e. parents, agencies, govt, etc.)  

    My opinion is that the first meetings should only involve the adoptee, not the adoptive parents.  Reunions are about the adoptee, and he/she needs time to process all the new information in a meaningful way.  After an amount of time that can be determined by each individual adoptee, they can decide if they wish to share that with the adoptive parents and if it would be appropriate for everyone to meet.  If the adoptee really feels they need their adoptive parents there for every step of the process, then that should be respected too.  Adoptees instinctively know which adoptive parents will be supportive and which ones will not be, based upon a lifetime of interactions with them.  I don't think any adoptees really would want the adoptive parents taking the lead and doing all the contact for them, just being supportive and understanding is generally enough.  Fortunately, most adoptive parents today are more supportive than insecure.  They are getting better advice these days on what to expect.  Unfortunately, not all will be receptive so it should ultimately be the adoptee's call, and that should be respected as well.

    The reality is there are still a lot of adoptees out there who's adoptive parents do not encourage them to search and would never like to meet the first families.  In those cases, I do not feel it's necessary for the adoptive family to get involved if they cannot accept that adoptees do have other families and they have real needs to connect with their roots.  It is a stressful time & the adoptee should surround themselves with others who can genuinely be happy for them and supportive.

    My guess is that most adoptees today may eventually want all their families to meet or to at least have information about each other while it might not be as accepted for the adoptees from the closed era.  For example, our own natural mother did want to meet our adoptive family & that would have been ok with us had our adoptive family been receptive to it.  However, the adoptive family, being much older & from the previous generation of closed adoptions & everything that represented, was adamantly opposed.  We were ok with keeping things separate in our case.  Again, it should be a case-by-case basis keeping the adoptee's preferences at the top.

    Your questions made a lot of sense.  Thank you Kazi, for asking our viewpoints on what would be best for adoptees when it comes to search & reunions.  The fact that you care, you are asking, and you want to do the right thing by your adopted children is a positive sign.  Hope this is helpful.

    julie j

    reunited adoptee

  3. Would you have liked them to encourage your search?

    Well I didn't search so much as I stumbled upon her through an online registry but if I had searched actively I would have loved support from my adad and stepmom.

    Would you have liked them to actively participate in your search?

    Again with the not really searching and another but... I wouldn't have wanted them to participate beyond giving me whatever info they had and maybe helping IF I asked. Search seems so personal to me, I am not close enough with my adad to want him in the middle of something like that.

    And upon reunion, would you have liked both sets of parents to meet?

    My adad met my mom two days after I did and he set the stage for the next 4 years of our lives. He jokingly suggested that I go back to her city of residence with her and two hours later I did just that, stayed for 4 wonderful years. He is ok with my mom but doesn't like that I call her mom when I call his second wife by her first name. I think my stepmom feels betrayed but how do I tell her that the bond with my mom was forged 31 years ago, she only sees and feels that we have known each other for 9 years. She is missing those years I spent longing for her and missing her in the first place.

  4. I realize this question was not directed toward me but I thought my two cents might add something.

    I have been in reunion with my daughter for 9 years. Her parents decided a few months ago that maybe we should finally meet.

    This was a closed adoption. They realize now that they were lied to about my age, and situation. I can't blame them for wanting to see how it goes between us first. We found my daughters father a few months ago and her parents are getting up in years. We have a tenative meeting for next month (if we all can make it.) I will get to see where she grew up.

    My point is, don't try and rush things. Let everyone take the time they need for what ever reasons. And it can take some time for all to get on the same level.

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