Adoptees when you were reunited with your b-mom was it as you expected?

Question

I have read more than one answer on here that adoptees search for the wrong reasons and have high expectations and that is why searching will become less in the future. I don't know the reasoning behind this, but okay.

Here is my story: I did search for my b-mom, but i never imagined it would be something like it is on t.v when they show reunions. i already knew my mothers background and i was just curious to see if she changed and if she knew anything about my b-dad. When i met her, i wasn't too surprised that she still lived a druggie life-style, but what hurt most was that I had two siblings that still lived with her. I wished that our grandparents or aunts could of taken them in, because the rest of the family was stable. my main goal in finding her was to get answers to questions that i had. in no way was i seeking to replace my a-mom, because to me she is my mom. However curiosity got the better of me, and i wanted answers to my questions. anyway, i would like to know if your reunion turned out the way you predicted.

Was it exactly like you predicted? Or did it turn out differently from what you thought? Do you still have a relationship with your b-mom and family?

Answer 1

People who say that we have high expectations and will be disappointed are either being malicious or extremely ignorant.  They have made assumptions, often mistaken, about why we search.  

I had few expectations.  Indeed, the social worker who helped with my search asked me what I thought I would find at the other end.  I told her I expected to find my mother dead, or worse.  

But that wasn't the point.  The reason I searched was not to find a pot of gold, was not to find the perfect human being.  I searched because the end of that search held some hope for answers, some hope for clues as to my past, and with them, clues to my present and future.  

My expectations were exceeded.  She wasn't dead.  And she didn't hate me for finding her.  Indeed, I found much more than I would have ever dared dream.  She and I are close today.  And we have so much in common.  For us, that's been a wonderful thing.  

No search is the same.

But if the adoptee never searches, he or she never knows the story.  Every adoptee searches, whether externally or internally.  Searches take different forms.  Indeed, every human being searches.  We all engage in a search for meaning and identity.  For some adoptees, though, that search takes a very concrete form.  

Answer 2

BOTZ answered for me. my answer is EXACTLY the same. i had few expectations and many hopes.

it turned out better than i could have imagined. she is a wonderous woman that captured my heart.

THANKS BOTZ-you saved me a lot of typing!! LOL!

Answer 3

I tried going into it without any expectations.

However it turned out to be so much more than I could have ever hoped for; to find out that my n-parents had gotten married, that I had a full brother, then to meet my entire family on that first day, it was really a surreal experience.

Not to say that it was all a fairy-tale reunion, of course not.  After the honeymoon was over, reality set in and my mother had and still has a lot of issues with unresolved grief and guilt, and we continue to work at this reunion.  

My father passed away before I could really get to know him, which is unfortunate, because it seems I inherited quite a bit of his personality and interests, it would have been nice to develop that relationship more.  But, I'm thankful for what little time I did have with him.

Things aren't always perfect but even if they turned out horrible, I'm glad I reunited.  Finding out where I came from, what makes me "me", finally getting the answers to all those lifelong questions, was worth it.

Answer 4

Since I'm a TRA with a language barrier, not sure how easily this question would apply to me - but here goes:

I didn't predict anything. They could have been dead for all I knew. And if they weren't dead, I was half-convincing myself that I would get an "Invalid Address" response or that they just didn't want contact from me. And I told them, "That's okay too. I respect your decision if you never want to hear from me again."

Not only did they want contact with me, but they wanted me to come there for the summer. Which obviously I couldn't because of timing and financial resources (and which is what I'm still trying to work on with my aparents).

I have a somehow "fragmented" relationship with my sister, given that we can only communicate through an IM conversation with pictures and music. That's not to say she doesn't love me, but it's more of a biological connection thing than any "real" sort of friendship that we may have been able to build up if we spoke the same language.

My mother is, well... not really in a relationship with me. I have no way to contact her except through snail mail or through the microphone. Also, having a 12 hours' different time zone tends to kill any spare time we might have had to try and connect. She acknowledges me as her daughter but I don't "know" her yet. I would like to, some day in the future, if it's possible at all.

So that's my story.

Answer 5

I did have some 'hopes' but they were tempered by 'fears'.  I had very few expectations.  I did have some, though.

I expected that she would be alive (this was also a hope).  I was correct.

I expected that she would have other children.  I was neutral on this -- didn't care one way or the other -- but had always *felt* she did.  I was correct (x3).

I expected that she was not/had never been married to my natural father.  I was correct.

I expected that her children were not aware of me.  I was (happily) wrong about this one.

It was very important to me (I'm just speaking for me here) not to "out" anyone about my birth.  I was keenly aware, from having spoken to many relinquishing mothers from the time period, that she had likely suffered from a lot of social pressure and stigma from having been single and pregnant.  I had no desire to 'tell' anyone before/unless she did.  I was delighted to learn that my existence, birth, and adoption were 'old news' in her (my!) family.  They were all basically 'waiting' for me.  Sadly, many of them didn't know that I was not allowed to have my original paperwork (OBC, adoption records, mother's contact info) upon request, at age 18.  Therefore, many had assumed I was not interested in finding them or that I didn't know I'd been adopted.  (Now that they've seen pictures of my a-family, it's all too obvious.)

I had no expectations about how the reunion played out.  I had lots of hopes, but was as realistic as I could be (without being a robot).  I hoped for/imagined the best possible outcome and it has been far, far better than that!

We still have regular, ongoing contact.  That was never a question for any of my family members -- as long as *I* wanted it.  As far as they're concerned, I'm 'back'.  We email, write, send cards and gifts, and phone often.  We get together as often as time/money will allow living over 2100 miles apart.

Hope that helps.  Take care!

Answer 6

It was better.

Because I had been conditioned by society to have a low opinion of "birthmothers", my expectations were VERY low.  I was emotionally prepared for a woman in a mobile home who answered the door with a cigarette in one hand, and a can of beer in the other.

What I found was a beautiful, educated woman who lived in her own darling home in an exclusive town a five minute walk from the Pacific Ocean.  She never had any other children.  I was 22 yrs old, and the first thing she asked me was, "What took you so long?" she knew nothing about closed records.  Everyone told her that she should wait for ME.  If only people would mind their own business...

We've had emotional ups and downs.  We both lost a lot.  She is devastated that my aparents were lower middle class and unkind to me.  Not what she was promised, of course.  I am sickened when I look through all the pictures of her and her siblings.  I missed the 60s, 70s and much of the 80s with her.  And I was stuck in a closed adoption with parents who couldn't have cared less about me.

I talk to my mother every day.  I call her my mama.  I am grateful everyday that I got to know her at least as an adult.

Answer 7

I was actually quite like you. I got a letter from my b-mom and b-brother in the mail and I had been thinking about meeting them for sometime. I met my b-brother before my b-mom and I was really happy. I would go to visit every weekend and always talk on the phone. We became attached at the hip. I ended up meeting my b-mom about a year later and i was happy that I did it, however if I had to do it all over again I do not think I would. She was not at all what I had expected. I expected a loving woman and caring and responsible. I got my hopes up completely. She started telling me it was not fair that I did not call her mom and all sorts of things. This really started hurting.  

Answer 8

I had few expectations.  I expected that I could possibly just meet the people who raised me the first year of my life, and I could get a little information about my beginnings, early life and background.  I didn't think about anything long term.  I wasn't looking for parents, as I already had those.  Besides, I was a 37 year old married woman.  Indeed, my expectations weren't many at all.  I really had nothing on which to base any expectations.

What I got couldn't have been more of a surprise to me.  I never expected to find an entire family -- on my first father's side no less -- who had been searching for me, as well.  But, that's what happened.   I located him before I located my first mother.  We've maintained a great relationship over these past seven years.  He had no other children.  We both grow more comfortable in our relationship as time goes on.   That is something I never expected, either.  Actually, I wasn't thinking long term at all when I searched.  

A year and a half ago, my grandmother on his side passed away.  The day we reunited, my dad took me to see her.  When I walked in the door, she said, she'd always prayed that before she died, she'd have all of her grandchildren together, and now that has happened. She said she always knew in her heart we'd be together again.  I was so happy to be able to spend time with her before she passed.

I also have aunts, uncles and cousins who are now dear to me and with whom I have good relationships.  I REALLY never thought about THAT being a possibility.  In all of this, then, I've been able to gain some good relationships, learn about my past and connect with those of my blood.  Sometimes people suggest that blood means "nothing" or that the blood relationships are the only ones that matter.  I don't see it an an either/or situation at all.  I have found that I can comfortably incorporate the concept of blood and non-blood family alike into my life.  Both have special meaning.  There is no reason to have to "choose."  

Through my first father, I was able to contact her step-father.  I found out that she passed away seven months previously.  Her mother had also passed prior to the reunion.   Her step-father and I still maintain a good relationship.   He was pretty excited when I called, as my first mother was estranged from her family soon after her marriage to my father (although, that wasn't the reason for the estrangement.)  Although they worked out their relationship some years after, she never told them about having had and relinquished a child.  I'll never forget his excited tone as he stated, "Wow...I have a granddaughter!"

I think most people who suggest negative ideas about why adopted persons search or what to expect are either not adopted or, if they are, they likely haven't search.   If they have searched, I've noticed that they didn't like their reunions and, instead of understanding that all reunions are different, they seem to suggest that all reunions are going to be disappointing.  Reunions, like any other relationships, can be good or bad or somewhere in between.  But, if a person wants to search, that is his or her personal decision.  The outcome cannot be known for certain, however, if one doesn't actually search.