Adoptees who are bitter about their adoptions? How do you explain the discrepancy?

Question

You say that it's 'unfair' to the child, that they didn't choose their parents, they didn't ask to be adopted, they never had a say in the life and upbringing.

Hello? Bio kids don't have a say in any of that either! Why do so many adoptees use their adoptions as excuses for depression, or inability to cope, etc, as adults?

I'm an adoptee, btw.

Answer 1

I think many feel rejected by birth parents.  But usually, there was a very good reason and the parent was trying to help the child

Answer 2

There are two questions here:

1) Neither bio or adopted kids have a say in the choice of parents; so why is adoption unfair?

2) Why do so many adoptees use their adoption as an excuse for depression?

Let’s address the second question first.  This is an unfair statement.  People live with depression for various reasons.  For some people that reason happens to be related to adoption.  Their reason should not be dismissed as an excuse; their cause of depression is no less valid than that of anyone else.

Now for your first question.  You are equating fairness with a child’s choice (fair = child has a choice of parents).  Come again?  The adoptees I have read here do not equate the two.  They are explaining that adoption - as a system - feeds into the creation of narcissistic families.  Thankfully, not all families are affected in this manner but many are.  The adoptees writing here are often asking for this imbalance to be corrected; the adoption system should weed out and dissuade potential parents, who are prone to these problems, from adopting.

I hope you grew up in a family beyond these issues.  Moreover, I am sure you must have personal insights into how it feels to be adopted.  Perhaps you can use your understanding by helping ensure the adoption system is open, honest, and includes capable and loving parents for all.

Answer 3

I don't use my adoption as an excuse nor am I depressed and I cope just fine - so please refrain from such generalizations.

For me, the difference would be that bio kids are just that - bio kids. They don't have to deal with any adoption issues at all. They were kept. They don't have to deal with being given away by their own mother - they are with their mothers. They don't have to wonder who they look like, who they sound like, where they got their talents from - they don't have to question very basic elements of their existence because it is all right there, looking at them in the face from across the dinner table. Their biological connection is there with them every day. They are not forced to fit naturally, they just do. We are plucked from one family, plopped into another and expected to fit naturally when really, many of us just don't. For those that argue that some bio kids don't fit - they most definitely do - it's just in more subtle ways - again - look across the dinner table.

If given the choice of being dealt a bad hand as an adopted kid or a bio kid - I'd take the bio route any day.

Answer 4

Rejection is hard enough to handle when you're an adult. But when you grow up knowing that the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally didn't want you (whether it was for your own good or not is irrelevant to a child) you kind of make up your own rules as you go. You feel vindicated in being pissed off about alot of things.

I'm adopted, and my adopted parents were the scum of the earth (mother was verbally and physically abusive, while the father was sexually abusive, and both knew the other's activities) and although now I understand that's it's all luck of the draw, I was bitter for a number of years. I also realize now that my birth mother was an intravenous drug user for the first ten years of my life, and my life could have possibly been worse, although you couldn't have told me that at the time. Everything is a matter of perception. Everything. So what could cause one person to become a drug addict or an adult with poor coping skills could cause another to grow up and win the nobel prize.

Answer 5

How insulting is this sweeping generalization just because not everyone feels the way you do

I would really recommend reading the Book 'being adopted' written by independent and unbiased authors to get your answer as to why not everyone feels or copes the same with adoption

I'm quite shocked and insulted by this question

ps Bio kids have not been seperated from their mothers.  There is no comparison there - they don't share the same feelings of rejection/abandonment as adoptees or wonder where they came from

weemee - are you also an adoptive parent?  Just curious

Answer 6

I hate having to constantly say this, but I'm not bitter because of "adoption", I was adopted by my own family members who were absolutely wonderful and I had a great life. What I am upset about is the fact that I lost my mother. I was left and she didn't come back (I met her when I was 18). I have abandonment, attachment and trust issues to this day (I'm 32) because of it. I have dealt with a lot of emotions that I would not have, had my mother not left me. These experiences have prompted me to try to help others not make the same choices (separating mothers and children via adoption) unless it is absolutely necessary. I want mothers to keep their children if they can, I want potential adoptive parents to make sure that the adoptions of their children are ethical and necessary and to understand the emotions that the children they do adopt might have, and I want other adoptees to have the rights to their own information. I am not bitter, just trying to make things better for the generations to come, first parents, adoptive parents and adoptees alike.

Answer 7

No matter what whether they are adopted or not some people are going to complain that they got the shaft in life. You cant please all of the people ever.

Answer 8

Why do well off well rounded kids become ax murderers????? Come on.......everyone is entitled to their own feelings.........especially adoptees.........you should know that, otherwise, I assume you have no "true compassionate feelings"............

Answer 9

well, one, everyone is different. Secondly, some people have more information about their adoptions and pasts, etc than others, I was adopted through a closed adoption in Texas, I have no clue about anything about my beginings. My past until I was 3 months old is a complete mystery. I have no names, places, pictures...nothing. I have two children, its strange to look at them sometimes and wonder where my son's very blue eyes or my daughter's curly red hair came from.....don't be so judgemental.

Answer 10

I don't have a problem with being adopted.

I have more of an issue with being relinquished and not knowing why.  My adoptive parents were told that my firstparents were college bound and that was their reason for relinquishing me.

Part of me understood this but part of me didn't.

I recently reunited with my firstmom though and learned an entirely different story actually took place. Very different than what my adoptive parents were told.

The agency that handled my adoption confirmed this when they sent me all my paperwork.

Imagine my surprise to learn that I was literally coerced from my first mom.  That legal documents were deliberately sent to incorrect addresses in order to keep me from her.  That she and her family were openly lied to.

It is disturbing to learn that my adoption was not ethical.  And not just for me but for my adoptive parents as well.

It is amazing to me how much power my firstmom's caseworker had over my life and my future and it's appalling to see in detail how this caseworker really felt about my firstmom and me, her "illegitimate" child.

I do have to commend the agency for actually sending me all of my information.  Fortunately for everyone, they no longer do adoptions so I'm betting that they felt they had nothing to lose.

I'm glad for you that you seem so content with your adoption.  That is wonderful.  I always felt mostly the same way as you until recently.

Many of us just want adoptions to be ethical and fair and we feel that adoptees should have the right to their information,  ALL of their information if that is their choice.  I don't really see how that is being construed as bitter.

I also think it is important to keep in mind that while we were adopted into loving families and have had mostly positive experiences, there are a number of adoptees who can not say the same thing and they deserve just as much validation for their own experiences as you or I.

Answer 11

I certainly do not use being an adoptee as an "excuse" to not be able to cope.  Your question comes off rather rude and bitter.  In certain ways I cannot relate to my adopted family as they are very different than me and yes that makes me a little sad.  But the pissed off feeling that I feel is towards my biological parents for being abusive and truly disgusting people.  They should have never reproduced.  You can't assume that every adoptee should feel fine just because you do. You don't know their situation.  It wasn't fun going from home to home and feeling confused and unwanted until the lovely parents I have now adopted me.

Answer 12

Just because you are well adjusted doesn't mean that all adoptees are.  Many kids are put up for adoption or put into foster care because their parents are messed up mentally.  Usually these people have drug problems and that is the easiest way to legally seperate them from their child.  What is really sad is the women who are not equiped to handle babies because they can't even take care of themselves, having babies.  There should be some sort of test a family has to pass before they are allowed to procreate.  It is unfair to children when their parents aren't ready for them but have them anyways.  More people should put their kids up for adoption and get off the public assistance programs.