Adoptees who didn't feel as "one of their own" to their adoptive parents- why?

Question

Can you help a-parents try to avoid anything your a-parents did to make you feel like you were "not their own" children. (I use that language because that's how it was posted in the question below. I consider my son my own all the time, everyday.)

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AsaKbL1ROHJd2OsT1AfOze5q.Bd.;_ylv=3?qid=20080331074702AAg2Bcv

Answer 1

I think most parents do everything they can to love and accept their adoptee as one of their own.   The thing is the adoptee may not always feel that they quite fit.

The most painful aspect of adoption is the denial of differences, that's where the problems lie.   I think if the differences are discussed and embraced, that would make life alot less confusing for the adoptee who would then not have to attempt to mold themselves into something they are not in order to fit in, tell themselves that they fit in whilst at the same time feeling something totally different.

I think parents are often unaware of the inner turmoil adoptees have because outwardly they seem just fine - I know my parents didn't have a clue about what was going on.

I think an adoptee needs to be reassured and told often that it's ok to talk about this stuff and sometimes they need to be prompted a little as little ones just don't have the words to desribe what they are feeling alot of times. I know I didn't.  And I didn't know it was ok to talk about 'that' (meaning the adoption et al)

My parents didn't make me feel that I was not their own child.   I just felt that; because I wasn't really but I played along with the fantasy, denied my differences denied who I was.  I wanted to be like them and I wanted to belong.

It's only in my 30s that I've discussed all of this with my parents and they never had a clue.  They had been waiting for me to bring up the subject and then they said they'd have been happy to talk about it. I don't think that's the way to go, cos some adoptees don't even know it's OK to talk about

I hope I'm making a little bit of sense, decades of unspoken feelings are still difficult to articulate.   I hope your adoptee gets the opportunity to speak truthfully about how they feel long before their 30s!

Answer 2

I was adopted when I was little and have known my birth mother since forever.I have always loved my adoptive parents. But in the back of your head you always think one of two things:

1. They aren't like me. I have interests that my adoptive parents don't have and it frustrates me because I try to be a part of the family, but in the end I know I'm different because I don't have the same genes they do.

2. They don't love me like they would love their own. I only though this when I was little. But the truth was they wanted to give me space because they were afraid I would think they were trying hard to be my real parents.

In the end I found out they love you just as much.. no matter what. They just have a harder time showing it because they are adoptive parents.

(I re read my answer and it kinda doesn't answer your question completely sorry.)

Answer 3

I'm going to echo a lot of what's been said here. I can't say it any better, but I just think it needs to be repeated. A lot of adoptive and preadoptive parents think they can love the hurt away. Others think maybe if they just do or don't do something the previous generation did or didn't do that they can make it better.

Truth is, I wasn't one of them. They did nothing to make me feel that way. There was nothing they could have done not to make me feel that way. It was just the truth. I was not related to them.

Maybe I can explain it this way - try to think of your FAVORITE inlaw, the one you feel closest to, the one you'd call at 3:00 in the morning if you needed to talk, and knew that they'd be there for you. As much as you may love that person, and consider them your family, deep inside you know they're still not. And also remember this - by marriage you chose to be part of your inlaw's family. In adoption, there is no choice for the child.

If you were to say, "I love my sister-in-law but I don't feel as if we're blood sisters", no one would think twice about that statement. Of course you wouldn't. But it's only adoptees who are invalidated for saying the same truth.

I'll end with this, it's not so much directed to you, but to anyone who isn't adopted. Don't ever, ever imply that an adoptees feelings  about adoption are indicative of bad adoptive parenting. I'm extremely of my adoptive parents and can't stand it when someone says something like that about them. Just remember, when your own adoptee grows up and tries to tell their truth - uneducated people will assume their feelings are all because of your parenting.

Answer 4

I love my adoptive parents.  I really do.  But the love I have for them is quite different from the familial connection I feel for my own children.  This is something I did not realize until I actually had my children.

And I did not expect to feel that feeling towards my own biological mother when I met her but I did and I do.

And that in and of itself is weird.  She is virtually a stranger to me and yet I have a connection to her that I have only ever felt with my own children.

I didn't know until I met her that she and I spent some time together before she relinquished me.  Perhaps that is why I feel this way towards her.

All I know is that she and I are connected in a way I have never connected to my adoptive parents.

I still feel great amounts of love towards the people who raised me.  I just don't think I ever bonded to them in the way I bonded to my mother.

I didn't know it was missing until I found her.  And I can't explain it.  And usually, I don't like it myself.

Can you imagine being connected to a person you barely know and don't necessarily like?  It's not the best feeling in the world, I can tell you.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that an adoptive parent can quite possibly do everything in their power to bond with their child but it will not guarantee that their child will bond with them.

I do not doubt the love an adoptive parent can feel for a child.  My adoptive mother loves me fiercely.  She would do anything for me and I know that and appreciate it. But it is not the same for me and that has been a point of frustration for both of us throughout our lives together.

Adoptive bonds and biological bonds are just not the same thing to every adopted person.  That doesn't mean it's bad.  It's just different.

The truth is that a lot of pressure is put on young adoptees to feel bonded to the people who adopt them and that is where problems often do arise.  It's a conundrum.

I am glad that you feel bonded to your child.  That is as it should be.  I guess my advice is to let the relationship happen naturally (as I'm sure you are doing) and not put pressure where there doesn't need to be any.  Your adoptee will feel however they feel and they are the only ones who should or can have control over that.  All you can do is support their feelings and try to understand.

Answer 5

Just wanted to say what a great question this is.. I don't have the answer for it, obviously, but I wanted to say I'm eagerly anticipating any good responses, as a PAP, I also want to be a good mother and help my children feel loved...

Answer 6

I think Heather H gave a great answer that I can hardly improve upon.  But I will say that the responsibility lies with the aparents to address age-appropriate concerns that might be on the adoptee's mind.  Since my aparents never spoke about these things openly, I was unsure whether or not I could ask...so I didn't.  I did eventually figure most of it out on my own, but I think it would have been so much easier if there had been some dialog.