Adoptees who don't want to find birth parents?

Question

I'm an adopted child, and having met a few others in my life, am struck by the fact that feel like I'm in the minority because I'm not going to look for my birth parents.

I just feel like my adopted parents ARE my parents; they took care of me when I was sick, shouted at me when I let my schoolwork slip, and cried at my wedding. It wasn't all easy by a long shot (in fact, when I was a teenager we had some downright awful times) but they were always my parents. Who else could I call Mom and Dad?

Also, who knows where my birth mother is? I wish her all the best, but if she's got her life together, does she need me to shift her balance? It just seems too complicated for everyone involved.

Like I said, though, I know I'm in the minority. Are there any other adoptees out there who are not planning to find their birth parents? Why or why not?

Answer 1

I never made a conscious decision to search, I was mucking around on the internet and came across an adoption search registry. I put in my birth date and there she was, looking for me. I'm glad I found her but I am not really sure if I would ever have made the choice to search her out. I was far too wrapped up in my own life at that time. Maybe later down the road I would have.

My brother has NO desire to search. The small amount of info we have on his n-mom has scared him off the idea.  We do know that he was born FAS and addicted to god knows what. He feels it is better to let sleeping dogs lie than to have to face what could very well be a harsh reality.

Every situation and every adoptee is different. To each their own. I commend you for being so secure in your adoption. Many of us just don't fare that well. Your parents must have done their job well to have raised someone so secure, so sure of their ties to their family. On this part I applaud your parents as well.

Answer 2

I also have no desire to find my birth parents.  I was adopted out of foster care when I was 2 and put in foster care when i was 4 months old because of neglect.  I am very lucky and very grateful to have the family that I have now.  I do, however, sometimes wonder if I have any biological brothers or sisters, but I don't care enough to go looking for them.  If they found me that might be kind of cool, but the desire from me to find them in pretty much nonexistent.  You're not alone.  If my biological mother contacted me I would not talk to her.  It's too late.

Answer 3

I think it's fine if you don't want to search.  I don't think there's anything wrong with not searching.

But I do want to say, for me, searching has nothing to do with the parents that raised me.  They are good people, and they are my parents.  I love them; they love me.  No issues there.  (Well, issues, but what child doesn't have issues with their parents?  I don't have any more issues with them than my siblings have with them.)

I searched, not because I needed a new family, but because I needed to know where I came from.  That had nothing to do with my parents.  They couldn't have given me that information, that connection.  So they didn't do anything wrong; it wasn't theirs to give.  

However, I know that not everyone has those same questions.  I did.  It's okay that you don't.  And I know you're not alone.  

It's just, for me, searching had nothing to do with the parents that raised me.

Answer 4

u r not alone.

Answer 5

I'm an adult adoptee who chose to find my birthmother and I'm glad I did.

I have a friend who is also an adult adoptee and she never had the desire to find her birth parents. She said she felt as you do that she had a good set of parents and didnt need any others.

She said that if her birth mother ever looked her up she might meet her once just to show her birth mother that she had a good life and was ok, but that she would not want a relationship with her.

I think that to search or not to search is a very personal decision that each adoptee has to make for themselves. Neither is right or wrong, it is simply a matter of personal choice.

Answer 6

who carried you for 9 months and made sure you were given a chance at life? for those who say that they were told or read bad things about their first mothers, did it ever occur to you that you've been lied to?

what i find absolutely shocking, is that one would think that the adoptive parents would be the ones searching for the first mothers! supposedly they've been given the most precious thing they could ever want, and yet... not even a "thank you"?people who donate their loved ones organs to save the lives of strangers do that.

Answer 7

There is nothing wrong with you. Though i will encourage you to ignore certain posts! Like noodlesmycat-she thinks that i'm anti-adoption because i'm for open records. She made me feel like a piece of c**p. I personally was curious about my birth mother. I wanted some answers to questions. Just because i found her in no way means i love my adoptive parents any less. I have always considered them my real parents. I'm very protective over my parents. I just was wondereing what lead her to give me up. I was taken aback with the answers, but it has helped me in healing process. This is your choice and your choice alone. You can look for your birth mother anytime you feel ready and if you never do. Then there is nothing wrong with you, because it's your life. Don't let some one make you feel less of person because of this and please don't be like noodlesmycat and look down on me because i was curious about my birth mother. I'm not anti-adoption!!!

noodlesmycat: Your posts come across strong to any one who says they wish that their birth mother raised them. In some cases they are saying this because the adoptive parents are abusive(i'm not saying all adoptive parents are bad!!). It's only natural sometimes for us to say that. It's no reflection on you as an adoptive parent. I'm just upset that you lump all us together that feel there should be a reform in the adoption process, so that everyone can have a successful adoption as you did with your childern.

Answer 8

My adoptive parents are my parents too.  I love and adore them.

But I search.

I believe this should be an individual choice and the government and State has no place sealing our records.  Those who don't want to know don't have to but those who do want to know ought to be able to

We should have equal rights to access our own birth information just the same as others do.  If you choose not to access that information then that's just fine too.  If someone contacts you and you don't want to know them, you tell them to get lost just like any other adult can do.

It's simple Adult people should have an equal right to access their own records (should they choose to or not should be up to them)

Adult people should have equal freedom of association as others (should they be contacted by someone they don't want to hear from then they say 'no' just like anybody else who doesn't want to know someone)

I want to know my birthparents.  But I totally understand there are people who don't

Answer 9

I have no desire to find my birth mother. I subscribe to the theory that she has her own life now as I have mine. I would not want to disturb her life, just as I would not want her to disturb mine. I have parents, cousins, aunts and uncles. My children have family including wonderful grandparents that believe they walk on water. Why  complicate things?

What if she is married now and her husband doesn't know about me? What if something horrible happened to her involving my conception (rape, abuse) and she took the courageous step of going through the pregnancy and placing me up for adoption only for me to track her down and open old wounds? I was placed through a private adoption in 1978 and all I and my adoptive parents know is that my birth mother was a college student (doesn't really narrow it down). I figure she picked my parents for a reason and I am more than happy to agree with her judgement. We didn't always have much but my parents love me, not that we don't have our issues but who doesn't? I have no friends that are adopted and comparitively my relationship with my parents is just as good if not better than theirs.

You hear plenty in this forum about people who find their birth moms and everything is great. The mom says she has been traumatized because her baby was taken from her and she wasn't given an option...but why don't we hear more about people who don't have such a happy ending? I mean it can't all be happily ever after

Answer 10

I know where you are coming from. I know my bio mom and could care less about seeing her again. She gave up five kids and who knows why. My sister knows where she is and my biop dad is and they tell everyone they dont have kids and they do. So, I am like you I see my parents as my parents even though they adopted me and my brother. Some peoople feel lost and they want to meet the bio parents. I just dont think its for everyone.

Answer 11

I am an adult adoptee and knew my birth mother.  She was a lunatic who abused the h**l out of me.  I want nothing to do with her.

I have friends who are adopted.  I'd say it's a 50/50 split as to those who sought out their first family vs. those who didn't.  

This is a very personal decision.  There is no right or wrong with regard to your question - it's about what you are comfortable with.  

I have a question for you - would you be open to contact if she sought you out?

Answer 12

I think you should or shouldn't search--whatever and whenever is good for you.

I do think however, that if you were not all interested in adoption, you wouldn't be here, in the adoption forum, asking what other people think.  If the issue were neutral for you, you wouldn't care what others think.

Just remember, you don't have to call them Mom & Dad, you could call them Jean and Bill.  You could find out WHY you're here.  You could know how your ancestors actions have affected your life.  You could find out why you have freckles (or whatever). You could find out what diseases to watch out for.

Your parents would still love you.

Take care fellow adoptee.

xx

Answer 13

my adopted parents. are my parents!.... a parent is the one who is there always for you, keeps you safe, give you clothes, give you food, and ground you, love you..   not the one who concieves

Answer 14

I don't plan on finding mine.  I was adopted by my parents at age 7, from foster care.  My birth mom had me removed from her care temporarily on a minor drug infraction.  Two weeks later, she was told by the social worker that she could start visitations with me, and have me back within her custody within a month, but she said she didn't want to, and voluntarily relinquished me.  I don't hold any grudges, and I'm genuinely not angry, but a woman like that, to me, is not a mother.  She certainly isn't mine!

Answer 15

The question should be Should Adoptees Have Access to Records to Find Their Birth Parents?  i made some research on this and "New Report Says Yes

Date: Tuesday, November 13, 2007

By: David Crary, AP National Writer

NEW YORK - (AP) It's among the most divisive questions in the realm of adoption: Should adult adoptees have access to their birth records, and thus be able to learn the identity of their birth parents?

In a comprehensive report being released Monday, a leading adoption institute says the answer is yes and urges the rest of America to follow the path of the eight states that allow such access to all adults who were adopted.

"States' experiences in providing this information make clear that there are minimal, if any, negative repercussions," said the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute. "Outcomes appear to have been overwhelmingly positive for adult adopted persons and birth parents alike."

Opponents of open access argue that unsealing birth records violates the privacy that birth mothers expected when they opted to give up their babies. They raise the specter of birth parents forced into unwanted relationships with grown children who have tracked them down.

But the Donaldson Institute says most birth parents, rather than being fearful and ashamed, welcome contact with the children they bore. Its report says the states with open records have found that most birth parents and adoptees handle any contact with maturity and respect

Answer 16

What a breath of fresh air it is to have come across your question. Thank you.

-------------------------------additio...

Bella,

Just to prove you are not in the minority ( & to just have a good laugh, too) go to Bozo's, oops, I meant to say sunny's  faux "question" "Do you think adoption is unhealthy for children?" and read the responses in there and look at the votes. The majority, who are like you and on your side, will have the most thumbs down. Pretend it's opposite day every time you come into this forum and know for a FACT that it is being maliciously manipulated by the anti-adoption zealots and their lies. You will find that you ARE NOT IN THE MINORITY. Keep your chin up!

--------------------------------------...

You don't have to justify your life, feelings and experiences to anyone. You most certainly are not in the minority...except in here with the anti-adoption fanatics, who've taken over this forum. They'd have all children be homeless orphans if they got their way. Actually there wouldn't be any children at all, if they got their way. Hang on tight now that you've asked this question. Get ready for a steady stream of their insults, false accusations, screaming at you that you are wrong, thumbs down, false violation reports, lies, hate and propaganda, tomorrow. They'll act real sweet at first and then when they think you've succumbed to their tactics, they'll slam dunk you. Two of my contacts are young pregnant girls who have been terrorized by this gang and one of them is talking about suicide now, thanks to them. They are distraught from the names this group called them and vile things they told them if they don't keep their babies. I won't even get started about what they've said about those of us who have adopted. Be careful and next time post your question in Parenting, Psychology, Sociology or any other forum where these manipulative, cyber bullies are afraid to go.

Your adoptive parents ARE your REAL parents and you are their REAL child and don't let anyone tell you differently. Don't beat yourself up either for having been a teenager. Most of us have caused our parents grief, just as they did theirs, and ours will us (I fear). Not much anyone can do about raging hormones. What's most important is that you are happy and blessed to have had a nice childhood and parents who really love you, regardless of adoption or not.

Two of my friends who were adopted have each met one of their birth parents and they are so sorry that they ever did. One of my friends found out his birth dad was on death row for murder. My other friend's birth mother contacted her. This woman who gave birth to my friend is a meth addict and prostitute, and the woman had the nerve to hit her and her parents up for money and on one occasion to tell my friend that she "owed it to her to pay the bail for her when she was in jail" and now she is stalking her and her family. That's not to say that all birth moms are like that, but if one stays up with current events, knows anything about the real world, researches the facts, understands the real statistics, and is realistic, often it's not a pretty picture. Anyhow, thank goodness there are girls who are courageous enough to step up to the plate and admit they are not ready to be a parent, learn from their mistakes and move on.  Giving birth doesn't automatically qualify someone to be a good parent. In a way, it's a shame that everyone, male and female, having voluntary unprotected s*x who have not planned for a child (this does not include females who've been raped & that's not s*x) doesn't have to go through the process of being fingerprinted, providing referrals, do home studies, have to prove they are loving, responsible persons, financially sound, medically fit, intelligent and mentally stable, as you know that adoptive parents do. Maybe they might put an ounce of thought into having s*x and the consequences if they had to go through all of the red tape and bureaucratic rubber stamping that adoptive parents HAVE to. I'll step off my soap box now.

Ever since I adopted my little girl from Russia, I've said that we would go back where she was born (when she's old enough) if she wants to and that it's her choice. Sadly, in her case, there is no one to search for though.

Until last year, she didn't want to talk about it, at all. Without shoving Russian culture down her throat, I've kept Russian art, books, tapes, cd's, food, etc. for her. I hired a Russian exchange student from college to babysit her. She just wasn't interested. Last year, her Brownie troop, in honor to her, chose Russia for their country on International Day. That was the first time she ever showed any interest at all about her birth country.

I didn't mean to get so long winded here. I apologize. But I want to stress to you that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you for not looking and that you are not in the minority, by any means. Listen to your heart and walk to the beat of your own drummer. I always admire people who speak their truth and don't choose to hop on what may seem at times is the bandwagon, but in reality isn't. There are people in this world who do nothing but hate, envy, and blame everyone else for their self-created miseries. You are better than that and you need to remind yourself that you are. You sound like a very loving, well-adjusted, intelligent young lady and human being. I wish you the very best in life and once again thank you for sharing your experience in here.

Healing Adoptee: I've never associated you with that group, whatsoever. I always look forward to your posts and highly appreciate your contributions to this forum. You are not on my blocked list nor anything like that. I am deeply sorry that you feel this way and I apologize to you, if you feel I have wronged you. You have given me much insight into the adopted child's perspective and I appreciate it. Peace be with you, please.

Answer 17

When I was younger I thought everyone should find their parents, just so they know where they come from, now that I am older, I am more cautious and realize how it is something very personal and no one should push an adoptee into searching.

You should honor your feelings whatever they are, you are the one who will have to deal with the fall out after all.

Answer 18

I'm not going to look. I'd probably have to go back to look for them. Why would I want to leave the U.S. to live in a poor country. You're right, if my birth parents have their lives together, why mess with something that's not broken. I never knew them so how can I miss them. I do wonder some times. Do I have any biological siblings? What if my birth parents were a king and queen? Do they miss me at all? Are they even alive? But I love the parents I'm with and they love me. Though it would be cool if I happened to bump into some one who looked like me with the same birth marks and stuff and they turn out to be biological family. Or I wouldn't be at all unhappy if my birth parents found me. But I'm not going searching my self.

Answer 19

My adoptive brother feels the same as you.  He has never wanted to know anything.  That's his choice and it is ok.  Of course it's ok.

I don't think there is anything wrong with not searching.  For me, it has been nice to have my information and to finally know the truth about why I was relinquished but as far as having or continuing a relationship with my bio family, well...it's not what I had imagined. At all.

I too agree with being cautious and wish that I had been more so when I first found them.

Answer 20

Yep I feel the same way I have never had a desire to find my genetic parents. I’m fairly content with being adopted. I love my family and see no reason to search for one just because they are genetically related to me. That is not to say that I don’t realize some adoptees search for their biological parents just for answers, that the mom and dad who raised them will always be just that mom and dad.  Sure I sometimes have question but its not to the point that I feel lost or that not knowing will make me grief. I do know a small bit about birthmother, even have her name in my adoption file.  Except for not knowing exactly what heritage I am: going beyond African and European[ I’ll find those out eventually through an ancestry dna test.] and full medical history I know exactly who I am.

I do agree its everyone choose to search or not search. No one should feel that they have to search or be pressured into it.

Answer 21

for a very long time i to thought nope i wouldn't want to know who they are or anything they gave me up and that was that. well the anger part of it is gone. well this is crazy maybe but the medical part is very true and it can be passed on down to you and its good to see what they look like if there are any sisters or borthers. i mean its just curiosty you do not have to call them mom or dad there is no feeings there and they also know it. they understand it you are not hurting your adoptive parents by just checking this out. its only for curiosty and then you are done. wouldn't you like to see if you have brothers or sisters. that is what is great. you would be fine also. i mean i did. i did get a chance to talk to bio dad. there is nothing there and its a weird feeling. now some can go throug life and not find out but its only in a life time you can do this and they are gone. i mean its not much to do but that is why idid it. take care.