Adoptees who have searched: what do you make of adult adoptees who don't?

Question

We all know adoptees that seem fascinated by all aspects of adoption, but for whatever the reason, won't search for their natural families. I think Lifton called them 'militant non-searchers'.

It seems that even if they have given birth to children, that even that is not enough incentive to search, and insure that their family’s future generations have knowledge of their medical history.

Wouldn’t it be a gift to their children (and maybe themselves) to know how they entered the planet, the country, etc? Isn't this a form of neglect--to keep this information from future generations?

Why would someone skirt around such an important issue, but never take the plunge?

Fear? Selfishness? People-pleasing aparents? Doesn't want to tarnish 'good adoptee' image? Claimed 'no interest' for so long and don't know how to get out of it?

Very curious...

Answer 1

Is there a reason you haven't directed this question  to those who have not chosen to search in order to get  the truth from the source?

Since I just started looking I guess I can answer.  It really is not anyone's business why someone searches or not.  It is  a personal, complicated, potentially life changing decision.  It is wrong to speculate why anyone would choose their particular path.  I would hope one would treat any non-searching adoptees with the same dignity and respect as those who do search.

Answer 2

I know this question is for the individuals on the opposite side of the spectrum but wanted to give my opinion anyway.  

I've never had the desire growing up to search simply because I was nervous to find something 'bad' on the other side & the other reason being I wasn't sure how my aparents would react as they instilled this 'fear' in me or maybe it was self-instilled.  That is not to say that I wasn't curious as to what they looked like or why they couldn't keep me since I was 'taken care of' for the first year of my life before abandoned behind a train station.

I will admit that ever since I had my daughter I keep having these thoughts of what if I did search for them.  Now that I realize the first few years of life impact your entire life I am curious as to what happened since being left with a name tag & my birthdate kind of shows me that somebody did care & was left in a place they felt that I would be found.   I'm an all or nothing types of person so I realize that if I were to search I would need to utilize all tools to find them but right now I know that I won't put the necessary time to do so & don't want to do it half-a ssed.

Also, just by being on this site the past month has put a deeper interest in me to look.  This is not to say that I'm not 'content' because I am 'okay' with not knowing but there is that 'what if' nagging at me, ha.  To be honest because I never really thought about really searching I would have no idea where to start at this point.

Personally, should an adoptee want to search or not I think it's their perogative & to negate differently is infringing upon one's rights.

Answer 3

One of my closest friends hasn't searched - she's 36, fully supportive parents, adopted at birth with no health info - and she simply isn't interested. I wouldn't call her militant, but simply not interested. When I searched she was supportive, as were my parents and her parents, but she doesn't have any interest. She said she would if there was a medical reason but other than that she is content and not interested in searching. So I don't know - I guess I believe it is up to the individual.

Answer 4

I'm adopted and I have two biological daughters and two adopted sons. I've thought alot about my birth parents all my life but all I've done is let the adoption agency know I would allow contact if my bio parents wanted it. I have enough to worry about without wondering WHY.

Answer 5

I did successfully search and enjoy a great relationship with my natural family.  I didn't do so until my mid-30's, and only with the prompting of friends and my husband.  I had always been afraid of searching, as I thought I'd be rejected.  Because I'm infertile, I knew that I didn't have to worry about any issues for children coming after me.  I think I would have started earlier if I'd had children, though.  I would have wanted information available to them.  It would have been the impetus to get me going.  Now, I wish I'd done it earlier because it's turned out so well.

Answer 6

I started searching when I was 18 and found at 38. My asis didnt search until both aparents were dead. She is 47. Our abro is in his 50s and has no plan to search because he doesnt have kids and doesnt feel the need to obtain any medical history. I should also add, that both my asibs were adopted internationally and FULL and COMPLETE access to their adoption records and original birth certificates unlike US born me!

Answer 7

I don't think it is fear or selfishness.  Some of us just don't feel the need to search.  I don't owe it to anyone else to search.  I'm very happy and content with my life.  I don't feel the need to go search for some strangers that I may share some genetic material with.  (No, I'm not in denial.)  A decision to relinquish me was made many years ago and affirmed in court.  I'm ok living with that decision.  Who I am today is formed by my experiences, friends, education, and family----not by some person I've never met.

It just isn't important to me.  Family has never been that big of a deal for me.  We moved around a lot when I was younger so we were never near extended family.  I'd see my grandparents once a year or so and the aunts/uncles/cousins once every five years.  Even now, my family has scattered.  My sister lives on one state, I live in another, and our parents live in a third.  That probably has a bigger impact on why I don't search than any other factor.

I was never treated differently at home.  I was never once introduced as "our adopted daughter".  Adoption just wasn't a big topic of discussion at home.  My parents do have a letter from my birthmother which they received when I was an infant.  I have always known it existed and they have told me that they kept it in case I ever wanted it.  I've never asked to see it.  They've always told me they would support me in a search so I don't have to worry about "being the perfect adoptee" for them.

Answer 8

I'm with Romany on this one. I mean i searched for my family with the encouragement and help from my a-parents. However I stand with i can't judge others for not searching, just like i don't want them to judge me for searching. I think that there are just some people who just don't care to search. That is there right, what isn't their right is to attack and make other adoptees feel horrible that do search. The same goes for adoptees who have searched or are searching...i can't make someone feel horrible because they don't want to search.

Answer 9

because we don,t give a d**n,and our children are fine.connecting with your real family is not good for some people.it,s like meeting strangers,they mean nothing to you.not everyone likes adoption,or want to meet the strangers in their lives.if you get sick,you deal with it.i tried and it,s not for me at all

Answer 10

hmmm, i see where you are going with this. a parent will do everything to protect and provide for their children, but wont go to the extent of digging up their own background that may hold the key to future ailments. am i right?

it makes sense, but in the end it is a choice. period. if a person doesnt feel the need to search then it is their perogative not to. i have to admit, it is risky. i had a terrible scare with my youngest late last year. that was the driving force behind finding my bfather. lori took the lead and barreled in like a warhead. i needed her, she responded.

everything turned out fine, but the fear of the unknown was unbearable at that time. i needed that info, now.

what reasons would they have? i dont have a clue, in my brain it makes sense to look, but that doesnt mean i am right. it was right for me. thats all i can account for.

Answer 11

I dont have a medical record from my birth mother. At the time though Russia was going through big turmoil my mother was also 18.

I plan to travel back and visit, i doubt ill find her but i know ill find the orphange, as recently the adoption agency posted a newsletter and a Russian adoptee with me went back to Russia and found the hospital where we were actually all kept.

Answer 12

"Search" is relative.  It can be anything from tooling around on the Internet to getting whatever documents you are legally entitled to to getting a search angel/private investigator to petitioning the court.

At what level do you consider it a "search"?

DH, who is not adopted, has absolutely no interest in his family tree - even though all the legwork has been done and he has a copy of a 150 page book which lays out his father's side in glorious detail.

So there may be adoptees with a similar low level of curiousity.  Nothing wrong with that.

I really don't care why someone doesn't search (or doesn't search too hard) - just as long as they don't try the guilt trip on me because I am searching.

Answer 13

I find it odd that they don't want to know out of just normal curiosity, but I guess everyone is different.  

I know that for myself, I am very glad that I can tell my own children about their biological roots.  One of the most uncomfortable nights I've spent with my aparents, was when I was visiting with my daughter and my amom got out the family photo album and proceeded to tell my daughter all about 'her' ancestors.  I really had to bite my tongue from saying to her "Please don't even bother, those people aren't our ancestors."

I didn't say anything, but I did some time later tell my daughter all I know about our actual ancestors, and I'm really glad that I am able to.  If I hadn't searched and found my bio parents, I wouldn't be able to.  It's actually really cool, because we have one somewhat famous ancestor, and who doesn't get a kick out of learning about that?!

From the medical aspect of it, I found out some serious medical history that wasn't know (because it hadn't happened yet) at the time of my birth.  If for nothing else, this seems a good reason to search.

Answer 14

I can't speak for others but I didn't search for a long time because I feared rejection and deep down I was mad at my birthparents for not wanting me.   I also thought I would be betraying my adoptive parents in some way

I am searching now and understand the reasons for my relinquishment, I'm no longer mad.  I am secure in my relationship with my adoptive parents and they know that wanting to know the truth of my origins in no way negates my love for them.  The fear of rejection is still there but the drive to know the whole truth of my origins is stronger

ETA  I can identify with taxgirl and her ubringing.  mine was great but I'm still searching.  Searching has no bearing on how I was raised, it has nothing to do with my parents not doing a great job of raising me.   Hmmm I'm wondering if people think that those adoptees who search had defective parents; I certainly didn't

Answer 15

my mom is adopted and she wont search and Ive tried and i cant get any records because i wasn't adopted.

i only know her name

it drives me crazy its like not know half of who i am

heritage and genetics

I'm a science geek and i really want/need to know

so i think they should get medical history for their children.

Answer 16

Could be a number of reasons. My search wasnt on the top of my list, thats because my family life was hectic at the time, and family come before the bios for me.

I found a quiet period in my life and started searching, I was glad I did and dont have any regrets at all. It was pure curiosity that drove me and now I know.

Some people just have priorities. Searching for birthfamily may not be important to them as much as you or any other adoptee. Some people dont bother till they are in thier 40s!!

Personally, I was glad I did it young.

Answer 17

I totally understand.  I have ALWAYS wanted to know where I came from.  After I had children, that just made that urge even stronger.  Once I did, I was soooo glad and feel blessed that I now know all the answers to the questions that I had been wondering for years.  

Now when I go to the doctor, I can honestly tell them what runs in the family.  I no longer have to write "unknown," "N/A" or "Adopted, no history" on the forms when they ask for family history.  I can stop waisting my money when I have heart problems b/c they can now identify what's wrong with me!  That is soooooo refreshing to REALLY know what is wrong with me.  They no longer blow me off and say, "its just anxiety" even though I am at the happiest point in my life!  Let me tell you, that was sooooo frustrating for me and my family.  Did I metion how worried I was through each of my pregnancies b/c I didn't know what ran in the family?  Didn't know what allergies I was at risk for or even my children...... Its just insane that they wouldn't give me ANY of that information.  All I had to go on when I was pregnant was my husband's side, the rest was a gamble!  But that's okay b/c I know now and it feels sooooo good!  You have no idea.

I don't know how a person wouldn't want to know but that's okay.  They have their reasons and we are all so very different for so many different reasons.  That's what makes this world and all the people so beautiful.  The fact that we are all different.  Some are satisfied with no knowing and are perfectly content with their a-family.  I respect that.  My a-family was and still is great, wonderful people (my real family).  But something in the back of my mind just had to get to know the roots.