Adoptees who reunited with their birth parents as adults?

Question

My fiance is adopted and has talked about wanting to see if he can find his birth mother. He thinks he'd like to meet her and definitely get a medical history. He's a little nervous about it. I'm curious about several things. How did you go about locating them? He was born in 1980 and he thinks he was born in Central Florida his adoptive parents received him at just a few days old. ( sorry about the wording there I couldn't think of another way to say it without the word receiving not sure if it came across right.) I believe the his adoptive parents have the name of the adoption angency they use but we think it's out of business. He's contacted an angency that wants $500 to see if they can find any information out on his adoption and birth parent contact information. Does that seem right? If they can't find anything that's money out the window. Also if you're comfortable discussing it can you tell about your experience meeting your birth mom and/or dad as an adult.

Answer 1

There is already a lot of great information here.  It's not always necessary to spend larger sums of money to find someone.  I will just reiterate that he should definitely obtain his non-id first, however.  One never knows if this information will be of a helpful nature or not regarding search.  Sometimes seemingly small pieces of information turn out to be big.  My non-id turned out to be thorough enough that it was very helpful.

Use the registries people have posted here, as well.  Not every situation will be a quick find, but people have been matched on them.

I'll tell you my experience, as you also asked if people would be willing to share that.  I received my non-id, and it actually turned out to be very helpful.  Since it had first names, it made it much easier when I decided to search some years later.  I hired a man who does California research for adopted people.  He only charged $100.00.  Within 2 hours, he had full names.  From there, I was able to use the Internet to locate my first father via public records.  We met the very next day and have been in a very good relationship ever since.  I also have a good relationship with my whole first family on his side.  My first mother (as well as her mother) had already passed away, but I have a good relationship with her step father, who raised her from the time she was 5 years old.  

Even though it turned out positive for me, though, I already had realized that knowing the truth was important enough to me that it overrode whether or not I liked what I found.

Answer 2

Yes, it's actually less money than it costs, on average. Make sure there are no hidden costs or fees first though.

Answer 3

Before you go shelling out a huge wad of cash, try doing some leg work on your own first. Most of it (if not all) can be done all on your own for free. I really think that places that charge a fee should only be turned to after all other avenues have been exhausted, but the fee that you were quoted is actually pretty low, most that I've heard of charge 1000 or more... but they also offer a more guarenteed out come or money refunded. I would encourage you to visit www.adultadoptees.org we've been down there before finding that needle in a haystack, and the tips and advice that you'll find there could save you a lot of time and money... not to mention the great support.

First, he'll need to apply for his non identifying information. That will give him a bit of information (without names) on where he came from, who his bio parents are, and the circumstances surrounding his birth. You usually start applying for that through the agency that handled the adoption, if thats unavailible try contacting your local social services depatment.

Next, register, register... get the word out there that he's looking for them. Thanx to the internet, there's so many public registeries that us adoptees can turn to. I'll list a couple at the bottom.  Also try placing an ad in the newspaper of the city he was born in on his birthday. The object is to make it well known that he's out there & open to contact.

Be patient. This isnt going to happen over night. Keep trying & don't give up. My reunion was great. Today I'm very close to my nmom, I found everything I couldve ever wanted when we were reunited. It was a roller coaster of emotions at first, but now 10 years later, she is "mom" just as she shouldve always been.

Answer 4

Samone & Lillie gave some great info. I'll just add a few ideas to theirs.

First, get a copy of your fiance's birth certificate!  Click the following link:

http://www.doh.state.fl.us/planning_eval...

Definitely request your non-identifying information. Consider joining a search group. One book I recommend is "Adoption Search Book" by Mary Jo Rillera. Sign up with a the ISRR & Florida's reunion registry.  (Links below)  Keep a record of all requests for information & any responses received.  This will help you determine the next step in your search.

Searching in Florida

http://adopteerights.net/nulliusfilius/?...

Florida Search Angels

http://www.geocities.com/kat6406/Florida...

Search & Support in Florida

http://www.fortunecity.com/meltingpot/sp...

http://www.maxpages.com/fltriad/Support_...

International Soundex Reunion Registry

http://www.isrr.net/

Florida Adoption Reunion Registry

Florida Department of Children and Families

1317 Winewood Blvd.

Tallahassee, FL 32399-0700

[phone] or [phone]

http://www.adoptflorida.com/images/farr_...

I did my search in 1983 via snail mail (pre-internet! LOL)  I joined a search group. It took me 3 months from the time I sent my first letter until first contact.  I never spent more than a copy fee for the various records I requested.  I still have my search binder! It's a great reminder of  my journey.

Good luck on your journey! E-mail me for more ideas if you'd like.

ETA: Usually an amended bc shows the city & hospital of the birthplace. The county may have his records if the agency is no longer in business.  Contact the agency or county for his non identifying info.

PS  My 1st mom was THRILLED when I found her. She wanted to find me, but felt she had 'no right' to do so. Everyone in her family knew about me & were happy I'd found  her/them. I met my b.dad 3 years later. He wanted to meet me. I had a great reunion experience. My a.parents were supportive (for medical reasons, esp.), but my a.dad felt a bit threatened. Eventually he realized meeting them strengthened our relationship (love my a.dad/a "daddy's girl") 'cuz he loved me enough to support me inspite of his insecurities.

Answer 5

im a birth mother and the baby i gave up is now almost 9. i haven't seen him since i gave birth, however i think about him in every moment and dream of the day when i can see him again...good luck

Answer 6

Yes I agree with Samone, do some work on your own first.  Apply for his non-identifying information and go from there...usually you can find something on it that will give you some clues; their ages, where they may have worked, maybe what their parents did for a living, where they may have lived (not an address but a general location) so that you might be able to figure out what school they attended, etc.

Sometimes the non-identifying ID is quite useful, sometimes it isn't.  But it's the first step.

Myself, I got that from the agency.  I had nothing but dead ends from mine (and unfortunately it was at a time before the internet and all the wonderful resources and ability to network with other people who have successfully searched!) so I went ahead and paid the agency their $575 search fee.  They found her in a day (and kept the entire fee anyway).

His best bet is to connect with other adoptees who have searched, join adoptee support groups (either local IRL or online) to gain from their experience and knowledge, and do as much as he can on his own.  Only then should he hire anyone.  Remember, nobody has HIS best interests at heart but himself...the agencies, researchers, PI's, etc. , NONE of them have any personal stake in whether or not he reunites.  And MOST people view adoptee - nparent reunions as a taboo thing.  

Good luck, I hope he finds her.

Answer 7

the money is needed for the investigation process.