Adoptees whose parents told you to be "grateful"...?

Question

...did your adoptive parents ever come to realize how harmful their statements were? How did they get this information (did you or someone else tell them)? What have they done to (for lack of a better term) change their ways?

Thank you.

Answer 1

Maybe you need to tell them that they should just be grateful to have you.

Answer 2

I am not an adoptee, but wanted to add that my parents (i am not adoptive) always told us we should be grateful that they gave us life, so sometimes we get it too.

Answer 3

I live every day with the fear that I might say something that stupid in a fit of rage.  

I wonder.  Do adoptees ever say something like "I would have been better off with my real mom/dad !" when they get mad?

Answer 4

Any parent telling their child they should feel grateful is mean spirited at the very least.  However, this is certainly not unique to adoptions!  Quite the contrary, there are many bio parents who are guilty of telling their children they should be grateful they gave birth to them!  Or they should be grateful they didn't abort them!  And , it is a pretty common statement to hear "I brought you into this life, and I can take you out!"

So I think we have to step back from generalizing.....Yes, I am sure there are some adoptive parents who have conveyed this message directly or indirectly, too.  And shame on them!  Shame on any parent who does this.  It is our responsibility to raise and care for our children because we have chosen to make that commitment.  ANY parent who goes into parenting with the idea that their child should, or will, feel "grateful" is missing the whole point of parenting.  It is give, give, give!  Period.

Answer 5

I never heard that from my adoptive parents, but I sure heard it alot from kids I grew up I told whom I considered friends. Then came the other hurtful things cause they did know. It was a very sad day when you cant trust your best friends when you entrust them with your secret.

Answer 6

My parents never told me i should be grateful, they would always tell me how lucky THEY were to be able to raise me. But I do feel very grateful. I know that my life would have been horrible had I stayed with my BMom. I think people should be grateful if they had loving parents who raised them right whether they were adopted or not. There are far too many children who don't have that.

Answer 7

All parents tell their children to be grateful for one thing or another...and you should be, although I can understand why you may be sensitive to this kind of statement.  Just tell your parents that it hurts your feelings and why, but also tell them how you ARE grateful for all the things they do for you.

Answer 8

I have four children 2 bios and 2 adopted.... With all four we do not teach them to be grateful anyone was adopted.

We do believe and teach all of our family members that we are Grateful for each persons contributions, talents and what they add to our family....

We are grateful to have each other to depend on and always be the Soft spot to each other in life. (or that is the goal)

We are grateful for the resources we have and the fact others may have less....and grateful for the Sun that comes out and smiles after a long wet week...

But, we are Never Grateful that Mom and Dad Adopted Them.... maybe Grateful that We got Each other but NOT how that happened...

When my kids---any of them complain about having the parents they do and the rules we have then we tell all of them TOO BAD Kids are ALWAYS stuck with the Parents They Got Stuck with...and that still has nothing to do with how they got Stuck.

Answer 9

From a former foster kid to an adoptee:

You should be greatful you got adopted instead of spending your childhood as an unwanted kid which would have been a lot more harmful.

Answer 10

I don't recall ever being told I should be grateful, but I will tell you as a headstrong brat growing up, when fighting with my mom, I used to state that "she only adopted us because she wanted slaves!"

Of course I don't think that now.

Answer 11

Luckily - that was not something my a-mum ever did.

I did have a step-father from age 15 who did though - and he would never apologise - he was a very twisted character.

He eventually blamed me for causing my a-mums death when I was 18. She died of cancer.

That's how ungrateful I was!!!

He's dead - thank goodness. (no - I don't think I had anything directly to do with his death either - ha!!)

Very mean, and nasty man.

Sadly there are just some people out there that think totally of themselves and never of others.

My a-mum always tried to protect me from him - as best she could. He would always say things behind her back though. It's scary when adults abuse there power as an adult.

ETA: just to add to LC - I probably said that as a child - but as an adult - never.

I would never inflict that type of pain - as I understand too well - how words can cut to the core.

Answer 12

I am not adopted

But when I was ten, my mom died

I was told by an Aunt, "It's was god will to take my Mom"

That statement was hateful and harmful

At the same time, my Aunt was trying to help

When I was 22, my cousin had two children, one 10 and one 8.  The 8 year old died.  The same aunt told the 10 year old boy, the same thing

She believe she was helpful

People say the wrong things

Most of the time, it does not hurt, but sometimes it does

Be grateful for what

I know my sister tell her teenage children when the complain about their life, they should be grateful, not everyone their age have what they have.  She would say that if they were adopted or not

Her children have a much better life then what she was given as a child.  With her father.

Answer 13

it wasn't from my parents.  it was from my friends parents, teachers, people at church, social gatherings, preachers, my parents friends, relatives, people i knew through sports, everyone who came to our tourist town to stay at their second homes for the summer, every stranger that pointed out how much i do not look like my parents, so on, and on and on.