Adoptees -why should a person adopt a child? ?

Question

I hear you guys often talk about how selfish APs are & that they adopt children for all the wrong reasons. What do you think Qualifies a person to be ready to adopt a child?

Answer 1

What do I think Qualifies a person to be ready to adopt.

A couple who has gotten intensive counseling.  Not because there's anything wrong with them (though infertility is a DEVASTATING thing that should probably be addressed) but because there are a lot of adoptees out there who end up with issues.  There aren't too many handbooks out there and the ones that are usually conflict with each other.  I think parenting classes that go beyond just 'this is your new baby, this is what it needs' are in order.  That's NOT the fault of the AP's.  That's the fault of the system.

I think parents that wont guilt trip their children about wanting to know or searching (once of age) is important.  Parents that are able to discuss adoption and their child's feelings concerning adoption openly without feeling threatened or hurt by it.

I have a lot of respect for adoptive parents who are honest.  "We want to adopt because we can't have kids."  Plain and simple.  Especially the ones that are willing to listen to the adoptees on these boards who have bad experiences and are willing to learn from them to better raise their own adoptees.  I HATE it when PAP's try to pull off some martyr 'I want to give a child a better life' c**p.  When you're adopting, it's because you want another child.  There are some AP's out there who do adopt because they have the room and want to help kids... but the ones who genuinely want to help kids don't go after infants... They go through the foster care system and adopt older kids who wouldn't have a chance without PAP's like them.

I think that your edits are really insulting and downright mean.  These people you are calling 'bad apples' have been in some really bad situations and been really hurt by the adoption business.  They are on here not to put their foot up somebody's A**, but to educate PAP's who are willing to listen so that their children don't have the same hurtful experiences.  They're here to advocate for reform of the system.'

That girl who just wanted a family to love... she was an older child.  Almost 18.  THOSE are the kids that NEED to be adopted.  They're in the system for a reason and bouncing from foster home to foster home is devastating on a child's development.  I'm confident that people who adopt older children out of foster care really are trying to do what's best for the children.  However people who adopt infants internationally are not trying to give a kid a better home, they're trying to get an infant as soon as possible without all the emotional problems of older foster children in the system.  

What's selfish is trying to play it off like they're martyrs... If someone meets the criteria to be an adoptive parent and can admit that the reason they're adopting is because THEY want a child, that's fine.  But if they try to get some sort of recognition for adopting a child 'for that child's own good,' THAT'S selfish.  That's where comments like 'you should just be grateful you didn't end up aborted/in a dumpster/working in a field for the rest of your life' comes in.  Those are the comments that trigger me the most.

I do ask that you don't mock the negative adoptee experiences that people share on here... These experiences are very real... and while they don't necessarily reflect ALL adoptions, they CAN still happen to other children.  I think that's what all of the 'angry adoptees' are trying to avoid.

Answer 2

I think a better question to ask is...when is adoption necessary.

Its not about the Aps remember its about the child's needs.

ETA: You're not the first nor the last Pap to not get it.

ETA:   LMAO

Don't be nasty, I'm just for human rights not human wants.  

Aren't you. Adoption isn't a right despite what you've been drinking.

After a summer of hot s*x with my fiance using protection, I found out today I'm pregnant. He must of poked holes in the condoms. He doesn't want me to go back to work because I'll be gone for 6 months. Started prenatal vitamins today and they're making me queasy. Pipes are working just fine.

You're right...I dont get your definition of broken.

Answer 3

My birth mother was unselfish in that she knew that she could not raise me for whatever reason, same for the birth moms of my 2 adopted children.  And I would never call my adopted parents selfish.  They desired a child, just like many women desire to have children, but couldn't.  When those birth moms love their children enough , to give them life, instead of aborting them, what is wrong with a couple who cannot have children, adopting them?  I too, cannot understand why adoptive parents are called selfish.  Would it be better if the birth mom just aborted their baby- and the AP's just forget about wanting to be a parent?  No one calls a woman selfish, if she wants to get pregnant and have a child, so why should we be considered selfish?  We just become parents in a different way. I can tell you the one that is selfish, is the woman that is pregnant who knows she cannot raise a child, and aborts instead of carrying that precious baby to term and place him/her for adoption.  

Answer 4

Tara, not ALL foster families are abusive, neglectful, ect., Don't categorize all foster parents because of a few.  That's like saying all white single mothers are trailer trash or all black men beat their girlfriens, this isnt true!  You probably wouldnt watch the news if it was only good positive things, they have to focus on the bad people in this world in order get viewers. There are tons of loving, tender foster parents out there and they are there to adopt when the children have no one else to turn to.  It's about opening your heart not your mind.  I hate it when people go on about being so closed minded but it's really about and open heart!  

Answer 5

In response to your edit:  Adoption is necessary in cases of abuse, neglect, or parents' death when NO other family is available to take care of the child.  (Some would even argue that in these cases, legal guardianship would be a better option, and therefore adoption is never necessary.)

If a woman is not feeling a desire to parent her child, there is something WRONG, and she needs mental help.  It is natural to feel a very strong desire to care for your offspring.  We are wired for this.  It's not a reason to send the child elsewhere.  It's not the child's fault that the mother is suffering from a chemical imbalance.  And besides, this happens in only 2% of adoptions.  Most of the time, the mother WANTS her child, but feels unable to parent, or is coerced into giving her child away.

Sickbaby, we don't have orphanages in the US anymore.  We have foster care.  Some would argue that foster care, or group homes, or legal guardianship would meet the needs of kids in need of homes far better than adoption does.  A loving family doesn't need a piece of paper to prove love.  And they certainly don't need a piece of paper that steals the child's identity for life.

ETA:  L Chow, re-read my first paragraph.  If a child is in foster care, it's usually due to abuse or neglect (two of the three reasons I gave that adoption is necessary).  Of course that girl wanted a family.  Everyone does.  Everyone DESERVES a family - and a loving one at that.  But why the need to seal their history, hide it behind lock and key, keep it from them for life?  That's not love.  Permanent guardianship would solve the problem (i.e. give them a permanent family) without sealing away their identity.

I'm adopting because the "better option" isn't available to the kids who need new families.  At present, adoption IS necessary in the US in cases of foster kids who want a family when no members of their original family are able to care for them.  So, ok, let's get them their new family.  But let's work on adoptee rights and get them the right to have their own identity at will, and not have it locked away like some state secret.  Thankfully I live in an open records state, so my kids won't have to feel the shame of knowing their identity is hidden away in some dark room as though it were a bad thing.  However, there is still the problem of the falsified birth certificate that will show my name.  The birth certificate is a record of live birth, not a certificate of ownership.  There should be a separate piece of paper for adoption.  I did not give birth to my future children - someone else did.  They deserve to be able to honor the fact that they did not come from my body.  And no piece of paper is going to tell me I do or do not love someone.  If I had the ability to adopt without changing my child's identity, or just be a guardian instead, I would rather take that route.  Much more respectful to the child's origins, history, and identity.

Answer 6

dear miss adoptee hater

You say things like this "Independent- I take care of my own children. I create them, birth them & love them.... Dont be mad at me because you're the one thats "Broken"... now, you figure out what that means"

So, really u are making fun of adoptees because our moms either gave us up or their rights are terminated.

I have never said adoption only when necessary. because if rights are terminated then the child is eligble for adoption. i wanted a family, i was with my adoptive parents as a foster child from the age of 18 months to 4 years. so i expressed the desire to have a family because i saw other kids in my pre-school with mommy's and daddy's.

With that being said u say things that are negative about our moms, basically degrading us as individuals because of choices that our moms made.

Answer 7

Don't listen to these yahoos. They believe the answer is to fix the problem of baby stealing in third world countries and to ignore the children that are abandoned (little girls in India, anyone?). Baby stealing of course should be stopped but there are thousands of children in the US that need adopting. Apparently, you are supposed to keep them in an orphanage....cause that isn't selfish?

Edit: We don't have orphanages? Actually there is a "group home" (call it what you will) in my city.

Edit: Foster homes meet the needs?! Are you joking? Foster homes are notoriously terrible plus the kids are moved all the time. People abuse the foster care system because they get paid to take on kids - it makes it attractive to do it for all the wrong reasons. I think you all should go into the foster system, to kids in "group homes" and ask them if they want to be adopted. People on here let their ideals cloud reality.

Answer 8

Well I'm not the sort of adoptee you're asking but here is my response:

I think that a person who meets the official criteria and is confident that he or she is ready to make a child her own should adopt.

The ideal adoptive parent is educated and plans to continue learning about adoption and her child's culture if it's different from her own. She has waited until she is fully mature and has the resources to parent well. She has an open heart and it is ready to provide love an consistent thoughtful discipline.

The adoption process in and of itself is so incredibly helpful to parents. We must ask for our children and prove that we are qualified. We take classes and need certifications to move forward. We willingly submit to a process that judges us fit of unfit to match with a child. So much thought an preparation goes into it that you emerge with a real appreciation for your child.

Answer 9

Anyone with a truly open and loving heart should be able to adopt. There are people that dont want to have children of their own because their are so many that need parents and love. I really dont understand why people will go to other countries to get children when there are so many kids in foster care. The reason for foster care is $$$$$$$. I used to babysit some foster children up the street and their lives were so screwed, including what the foster parents did to them. CPS would take kids away from birth parents for abuse but let the foster parents do it all they want. I cant imagine growing up my whole life and never having true unconditional love. How would you expect them to know how to be once thay are kicked out into the real world? Quit being so d**n judgemental and closed minded and understand we are taking about children. Quit paying people to be foster parents then lets see how many people step up, those are the ones that are qualified.

Answer 10

A respectful relationship with the child or its mother would be a good start.

I personally question the motives of someone willing to take a child they've only seen in photos or visited once or twice and adopting them.  to the child, that person(s) is a total stranger and they have no choice but to "bond" or, rather, to adapt to them.  they are a captive/captured audience put there to fulfill the needs/desires of the adults.  while it might improve the child's opportunities or environment, the current off-the-shelf adoption practices ignore the emotional best interests of the child.

extended family, friends, community should be there to help out mothers in crisis.  with bonds that already exist and can be reinforced and without severing the child from its roots.  

where this tragically does not exist, at the very least, respect should be given to the non newborn child and a relationship developed prior to adoption.  you shouldn't be forced to live with people you aren't sure you even like.

what should qualify people for adoption are people who put the child's emotional well being AHEAD of their own needs.  that's what real parents do.  charity and being barren are not good enough reasons to get a child.  truly caring for a child is the only good reason.  that also means agreeing to messy things that the child might find important, like allowing the child to know the beginning of their story, have access to their records and identity, and the ability to choose to have or not have a relationship with their birth mother.  

adoptees who have been forced to live with strangers they don't like and respect, who lie to them about their origins and who have had their civil rights violated all to satisfy the needs of some selfish people are not bad apples, they are justifiable upset.  some adoptees have been adopted by bad apples.  some adoptive parents are bad apples.  

everybody wants a family to love them.  but first and foremost a child's greatest desire is for their own natural families to love them.  so we should look at the social and cultural forces which cause mothers to make such heart-rending decisions, and also the forces which land children in foster homes in the first place.  

the profound pain of adoption could be avoided if we gave more care and attention to people in crisis and before crisis.  

Answer 11

I don't think I'm qualified or important enough to the world to judge other people and tell them when they should adopt.  I think getting adopted would be better than being in a foster home all your life.  My parents adopted 2 children because my mom had some health issues that prevented her from carrying a child to term on her own.  My brother and I were put up for adoption by parents that were teens (17 or so) about 30 years ago.  That usually was the thing to do back then, as most families would not accept the teen keeping the baby.  The people on here talking about adoptive parents being selfish have probably just had a bad experience.  If you read all the responses on here though, you will see that's not always the case.  My brother and I grew up wonderfully and do not hold anything against our birth parents.  

Answer 12

Because all kids need a mom and a dad and someone who cares for them and loves them.

Yu should do it its 4 a good cause