Adoptees...why would you care to find your bio mom/dad after so many years...and they gave you up?

Question

it seems like it would be so worthless to find my bio mom. it's been so many years, she is a complete stranger who did nothing in my life. i have no desire. my adopted parents seem like my bio parents. life is so short, i wouldn't want to waste any time trying to recover a complete stranger...

Answer 1

For me, it was alot about finding someone who I looked like, who did I get my eyes, mouth etc. from. I had questions that only she and he had the answers too.

I'm a curious person, i like to research and get down to the bottom of things, to be...i ALWAYS knew I'd search for and find them. I have letters of me writing friends and family friends from when I was 10 and 12 and beyond asking them to help me search. Every one of them said no. So, I waited until I was 18 tried and got really mislead by the courts. It took me 3 years to try again and I found both of my parents in 2 weeks!

My mother and I have SO much in common its crazy. We laugh alike, have the same eyes, mouth, mannerisms and so much more. Our favorite colors are the same, we have the same favorite songs..... the connection between us didn't break from adoption. There is no doubt she is my mother. She is not and never has been a "stranger." I mean, yes, there are things we dond't know about eachother, and things that we have to learn about eachother because I didn't grow up with her, but....shes still connected to me.

I'm very happy I searched. It was the begining of a huge healing emotional quest for ME, and I'm still finding that, I guess "me" is constantly changing and growing which is good, but I know more about Me NOW, thanks to my search than I ever WOULD have, had I not searched.

Answer 2

I'm not an adoptee, but as an adoptive parent, I do feel that there are some cases where bio parents didn't necessarily make the decision themselves - they may have been coerced by the other bio-parent or parents, etc.  I think every child should be able to find out the story from his bio-parents if he/she chooses.  I also feel that medical information is very important to an adoptee as my son has an inherited life-threatening genetic disorder.  

Just my 2 cents.

Answer 3

if this was me i would try to find them and ask them why? u never now why that give u up?

Answer 4

I was not adopted, but I imagine that it is just curiosity. Just finding out where you came from.

Answer 5

Not me, I'd love to meet my bio parents. Sure she gave me up, but I believe she wanted me to have a chance to live a happy life and she felt she was too young to provide me with one. It's natural to want to meet your bio parents. I love my adoptive parents very much. I've always wondered if I was anything like my biological mother. I am grateful that she chose to give me up for adoption, the alternative could have been abortion and I would'nt be typing this right now, either would you.

Answer 6

i am not a adoptee.  i am a mom who had her son taken away cause i made a huge mistake.  he is living with a foster family.  i am not allowed to have any contact with him and neither is he.  He is 9 yrs. old.  I hope to god that when he is old enough he will want to find me cause i want him back bad i really do miss him but cause of my mistake i have to wait on him.  I know he wants to be with me but he has to wait till he is of age.  But believe it just cause you bio mom and dad isn't in your life now doesn't mean that they don't want you in their life now.  They do wonder and think about you all the time.  Cause i think about my son all the time since he has been taken.There isn't a day that goes by without me thinking about him.  your bio mom miht have a good reason why she gave you up.  find her and talk to her ask the questions you want answered yeah it might hurt but atleast you will know the reason.  but please remember your bio parents do love you and they will love you till they die.

Answer 7

i was adopted and never cared....but when my adopted mom passed away...i had a void I needed to fill, so i searched for 3 years and finally found and met her. Big disappointment and she died shortly after I only saw her once. so....I recommend that you do not search...yet I understand the need to search. hope that helps.  Oh...and people should not judge your decision. It is yours to make and will only effect your life.  God bless

Answer 8

Some people just want to know. Every person is deffriant. They may not want to start a relationship with them, but they just might want to meet them to see wht they are like.

Answer 9

Speaking from giving my daughter up.  I was 15 when I got pregnant. 16 when I gave her up.  And the reason why is because she could have a better life than what her father and I could provided.  Yes it does hurt.  But I think deep down you take a few minutes and look into your heart beside from being angry you might find that you have alot of questions as to why.  Just take it slow.  Do not let any on pressure you in your decisions.  It is solely up to you.  Good luck.

Answer 10

My adoptive parents have always hated me and never accepted me for me, favoring my sister and only adopted me out of this strange need to have two children.  My own adoptive mother abandoned her son and left him to be raised by my grandmother, who actually cared about us, whereas she married for money and was disappointed that my father didn't have money as his family lost it all in the war.  I have never really believed in adoption when there are better alternatives besides a system that once forced it on people.  Some women are terrible mothers and society sometimes pretends that these women, these nightmares, do not exist.  I resent that.

Answer 11

maybe there was no choice in the matter to give up the child . Maybe they had bad problems . They would have to try to figure it out . I know I would . I know my wife would too and she was adopted .

Answer 12

I don't want to find my bio dad.  My dad who raised me is my father and always will be.  Thank god he was in my life, cause the other one is a real piece of garbage.

Answer 13

I was adopted into the family so I knew my real Mother, but I found my real Father and it was nice to get pictures and see just who I got what from.  He was happy to hear from me and that made me feel good.  I think he is gone now and we never met, but it filled a couriosity I had always had.  You don't know why you were given up and your real parents could miss you and love you very much.  If it doesn't bother you, then there is no need to find them.  I needed to know.

Answer 14

I don't want another mom either.  I want my heritage, my medical histories, the missing pieces of the puzzle that is me.  Where I come from is part of my identity.

Answer 15

Yeah yer right... or not. I enjoy having my family in my life... ALL of my family... I LOVE seeing my own face when I look into my mom's eyes.

Want my reason I am glad to have found them? Without it I would be missing these great people in my life.

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=67...

Answer 16

I was adopted when I was two months old,,,now I am 20.  My adopted parents are so supportive in everything that I do and they dont think of me as being adopted, sometimes they even forget.  I have thought about finding my birth parents, just for unanswered questions, but then I realize that I have everything that I need.  Who cares about stupid questions.  There obviously was a reason she gave me up.  But some people feel like they are incomplete because they need those questions answered.  Everyone is different.

Answer 17

MAYBE THERE WAS A GOOD REASON WHY SHE HAD TO GIVE YOU UPI GOT TAKEN AWAY FROM MY MOM WHEN I WAS 3 BUT I ENDED UP WITH MY GRANDMA MY DAD'S MOM SO I WAS PRETTY LUCKY AND NOW THAT I HAVE FINALLY MET HER AFTER 18 YEARS I CAN'T STAND HER BECAUSE THERE WAS A LOT OF STUFF THAT HAPPENED AND IT WAS MOSTLY HER FAULT BUT HEY MAYBE IT'S DIFFERENT BUT YOU WILL NEVER KNOW UNLESS YOU TALK TO HER TO FIND OUT.

Answer 18

I wanted to know why she gave me up. I mean she was a drug addict among other things, so I knew why. I guess i wanted to hear from her as to why she lived that lifestyle instead of taking care of me. I also wanted to know my hertiage.

But if you feel it is worthless to find your biological mother then that is your opinion and feelings.

Answer 19

I felt a hole in my heart where my bio mom was not.  I found her (and two sisters with 7 nieces and nephews) and I am now complete.  Not everyone is the same.  My adopted brother has no desire to find his bio mom.  For him, he is missing nothing.  Everyone is different and everyone will have a different reason to search or not.

Answer 20

That's your truth - that's for you to decide.

For me - I wanted to know about my bio fam my entire life.

For me - it was always on my mind - I wanted to know who my mother was - where she came from - where my ancestors came from - why she gave me up - what the story was behind the adoption papers - what lay in my families medical history.

For me - I wanted to see people that looked like me.

For me - I wanted to let my mother know that I was OK - that I had a good life - to help ease her mind - as after I had children of my own - I began to understand what a huge thing it would have been to give up a child - which then spurred on my wanting to search more - as I wanted again to know 'why'.

For me - it took until I was 35 to stop running away from the elephant in my lounge room - that I did want to search - and seek out my truth - and be ready for whatever I would find.

For me - it's something I just had to do.

For me - 'I care' - because my a-mum taught me to love, care and forgive deeply.

For me - I didn't think it was a waste of time - because it meant a lot to me.

Again - for you - that's your choice - that's fine.

I wish you well.

Answer 21

My bf is adopted and never wants to even go back to Korea let alone look for his bio parents. He doesn't wanna know them. He is completely statisfied with his adoptive parents. He has two other sisters that were adopted I have never spoken to them about it tho.

Those shows like true life always have those people that just wanna know where they came from. I guess sometimes it matters what kind of adoptive parents you have also.

Answer 22

Because she is my mother and she gave me life.

You never know why a woman gives her child up for adoption.  Children from the BSE such as myself, most of our mothers didn't HAVE a choice.  I suggest reading "The Girls Who Went Away" for more insight into what conditions were like for women who were pregnant out of wedlock.  

Maybe then some people will have a little more respect for what a mother goes through.

Answer 23

It's an assumption and a common myth of adoption that all bio-mothers willing give up their children.  In most situations, they were forced, coerced, threatened (with being left without the financial means or family help), or shamed into relinquishing.  

Regardless of the fact that my adoptive family was dysfunctional (with functioning alcoholic parents), they were my PARENTS.  They raised me.  I did not search for my birth mother expecting her to be a "mother" to me.  

I searched because I wanted to know my history, my heritage, my genealogy, my medical information.  I wanted to know what happened and why she "gave me up".  I found out she didn't give me up.  I was taken away from her and placed in foster care because she was "living with a man to whom she was not married" (per court docs) and didn't make much money.  A year later, she was told she'd never have custody of me again, but could give me up for adoption.

Now I know who I look like, who I take after (both sets of parents - a blend of nature AND nurture), where I get certain traits. I know my heritage (and my children's) and my medical information (for my children as well).  

Some people are interested in history, digging up past civilizations and studying ancient cultures, anthropology, archeology, biology, genetics, genealogy, etc.  Look at the many museums of  history all over the world!  

Others are totally uninterested in these topics.  There's nothing wrong with adoptees who have no desire to find.  Nor is there any thing wrong with adoptees who do want to find.  

We are all amazingly, miraculously, uniquely individual.

Answer 24

I am a baby scoop era baby.  I also know that my natural father wanted me.  I want to know where I get my dark brown eyes from.  I want my daughter's spouses not to have to worry that my daughters have cheated on them.  I want to hear about my heritage from both of my natural parents.

Answer 25

i want to ding mine when im older not know wut if i meet my real dad he doesnt know i was even born so wut if he trys to take me.

Answer 26

I was adopted when I was 2 days old so my adoptive parents are my real parents. The only reason I'd wanna find my birth mom is for some health reasons ( I have lupus) and some answers and just to know what she was like and if I'm like herin any ways

Answer 27

thats true i think if u was adopted then why try to find ur bio parents they didnt want u when they had u and they didnt care then what makes u think they will now? and what about the parents who did adopt u well they was there for all ur life and they did want u and u are just gonna try and find ppl that gave u away so many years ago?? thats wrong

Answer 28

1) I nearly died of a genetic disorder because I didn't have any medical info.

2) I wanted to know what to tell my children, instead of passing down an empty piece of paper where their family tree should be.

3) I am a human being with a natural sense of curiosity.

There are many valid reasons for wanting to know who you are and where you came from. Genealogy is the biggest hobby in the US for a reason. This is something most people think is important. Why should adoptees be any different in this regard?

Answer 29

There are a few fallacious statements that often get made when discussing adoption reunion.  One is that "they didn't want" the relinquished child.  Well, you don't know that.  Giving up a child is a torturous decision, and sometimes it's not the parents' decision at all.  Others decide for them.  Also, a person may feel they don't want to be a parent at the time they relinquish, but it doesn't mean they don't care, nor does it mean they will never want to see their child again.

The second is that an adopted person already has parents who love them (the adoptive parents.)  This has absolutely nothing to do with it.  Finding one's natural parents in no way negates the parental relationship and love between the adopted person and his or her adoptive parents.  Most adopted people I know who have good relationships with their adoptive parents find that their relationship with them gets even better following a reunion with natural parents, whether the reunion is a good one or a bad one.

The two are mutually exclusive.

My natural father searched for me before I ever looked for him.  We reunited 6 years ago and have a great relationship.  It has only added to my life.  I had no idea what kind of a person he was prior to that.  All I had were stories, and the stories were only about what people THOUGHT he was as a young person.  When we met, he was obviously not a teenager anymore.  I'm glad to know him.  Besides, we're so much alike it's scary, so it's fun to be around him.

Answer 30

yes, my neighbor is adopted and he sees his bio mom every month. I eould love to see my real mom, i mean, she had you. she should get a little credit. maybe your mom had to put you up for adoption, just try.

Answer 31

My life started with them.  Without them, I wouldn't be who I am today.  For me, that is important.  I wanted to know where I came from.  It has nothing to do with my adoptive parents.  They are good to me.  We love each other.  But that doesn't settle the matter of where I came from, or where I fit in.  For me, this is about my heritage, my connection to the human race.  

I think it's fine if you don't want to know your first family.  I certainly won't ridicule your choice.

But why must you claim that it is worthless and a waste of time?  I certainly haven't felt that way.  I assume you would like your choices respected.  I feel the same way.